Day 201: Reacting to being asked for help

A woman, our neighbour, came knocking on our door the other night. It was after 10 pm, and when I opened the door, she asked for help from the boys in our apartment to help her carry furniture from her car to her place in the second floor. She was accompanied by another woman, who waited next to the car. I was very much annoyed by this. I thought it was highly irregular and inappropriate to simply ask for something that people otherwise pay money for. After she saw the annoyed look on my face, she offered to give the boys money for beer afterwards. I said that I would ask, and in that thought that it is the boy's responsibility to either help or refuse to help. Within this I see that I was feeling responsible for something that wasn't my responsibility, for how the boys will answer. I was afraid that they might also react with laziness and would only reluctantly help in order to not be seen as unhelpful and impolite, which is my own projection of myself onto them.
I called the boys together and they helped, but I myself went into justification of my annoyance. "If they hadn't come so late, if they had come beforehand and asked for assistance, not just like this in the given moment... - I wouldn't have been so annoyed." As I was doing that, I was also aware that had I been in their place, I'd have wanted assistance as well. And when my friend told me that the other woman was pregnant, I felt ashamed that I was so unaware in that moment of annoyance and frustration that I completely missed that. I also went into blame. "How dare they simply assume that we will be there at their service whenever they damn well please, they probably think that they can take advantage of students, that they won't say no to a pregnant woman."

Truth is that they were in a situation where they needed help, and due to my reactions I was completely unable to put myself in their shoes, and even went into justification why I cannot. I realised that night how much money interferes with us, human beings, being unable to assist and support each other without expecting anything in return, how money makes true kindness and compassion impossible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obliged to help, whenever I am asked for help, and to react with fear that I will not be liked if I refuse to help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is impolite to refuse to help someone, when they are asking for help, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive people who do not want to help others/me as impolite and rude.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with annoyance, frustration, resentment and anger, whenever I am asked to help with something without the possibility of getting anything in return.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I should always get something in return whenever I do something for other people, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always feel indebted to someone who did me a favour or helped me with something, no matter how small that something is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within myself connect and equate doing something for other people, where I spend my time and effort to do so, with money, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect money or a favour in return, whenever I do something for other people where I spend my time and effort to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insulted, whenever someone is asking me to do something for them without offering anything in return.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into spitefulness towards people who ask me for favours without promising something in return and allow myself to participate within backchat of "how dare they think that I am here at their disposal".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate my time and effort that I put into something with money, and want/need/desire to get money for things that I do for other people, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insulted when I am asked to do something that would take up my time and effort without being promised money or favours in return.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate and connect my time spent on doing something for other people to money, and think/believe/perceive that whenever I do something for other people, I am owed either money or their time as favours they should do for me in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uneasy and uncomfortable, whenever I am asked by other people to do favours for them, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to say no to them without feeling like an impolite and inconsiderate person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is impolite to refuse to help someone, when they ask for help, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I should always be helped, whenever I ask for help, and to define/perceive someone who doesn't want to help me as inconsiderate and rude, and then blame them and judge them for apparently making me feel bad, instead of realising and understanding that with this I am abdicating my self-responsibility for the way I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad, whenever I refuse to help someone, and go into fear that they might not like me for it. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be ready to help someone just for the sake of being liked by them, not realising and understanding that in this way I am opening the doors to being abused/taken advantage of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of people, whom have helped me in the past by relying on them that they will always be there to help me again, instead of realising and understanding that with this I am abdicating my self-responsibility to take care of whatever I can take care of alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into resentment towards other people asking me for help in order to justify my own feelings of not wanting to help them because I am feeling lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into laziness, whenever I am asked by others for help, instead of putting myself in their shoes and assessing whether they really need my help and then helping them accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into justification as to why I shouldn't and will not help someone who asks me for help, instead of realising and understanding that had I been in their shoes, I might have wanted help as well.

When and as I see myself reacting energetically to someone asking me for help without promising something in return (with annoyance, resentment, being insulted and feel like I'm being exploited, anger, frustration), I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment now allowing myself to assess whether it is common sense to help this person and helping accordingly, and I also realise and understand that by expecting something offered in return, I am playing into my mind's and this world's money construct, where I will only be satisfied and 'happy to' spend my time and effort if I get promised or given something in return, thus I am not seeing myself in the being that is asking for help and am separating myself from them, myself and all that is here by participating within this mind construct. Therefore I bring myself back Here with breathing, I assess the situation with common sense, help accordingly and commit to write out and remove with self-forgiveness any kind of energetic reactions that might have come up within me.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all of my energetic reactions towards being asked for help by other people, because I realise and understand that those reactions are a consequence of my mind's patterns and this world's patterns about money and debt, money representing the time and effort put in to do something, and by participating in those patterns I am in my mind separating myself from myself and all that is here and am unable to see myself in another.

Day 200: Product Brands and Conspicuous Consumption

In 6th grade I got introduced to brands and what I have learned only now to be conspicuous consumption. My schoolmates were crazy about Nike shoes and Benetton clothes, and if one had any of those, one's value would dramatically increase in the eyes of my peers. I started desiring those brands, and I even managed to get my hands on some such items. I immediately felt elevated, like my value went up, I felt so much better about myself, I felt respected and appreciated. A memory that stands out is from before I managed to get my own Nike shoes. A classmate, who sat next to me in most classes, and whom I considered to be my best classmate/friend in 6th grade, got Nike shoes, and she demonstratively threw them on the table a few times and said that they bounce a lot. In my mind she was doing that in order to show off the brand and enjoy a little more of the attention that came with Nike shoes.
Then in high-school I adopted the skater style from my best friend because the clothes were baggy and comfortable, and I wanted to hide my body, which I perceived as too overweight to clothe with regular clothes, so I started desiring Airwalk and Vans shoes, and later DC, and clothes from Blind, Billabong and Girl brands. I felt approximately cool in those clothes, but still not good, because they weren't too girly. I really wished I could wear clothes that model-like women wear, and I really longed for the experience of wearing haute-couture type clothes like Prada, Dior, Escada, Max Mara... all the brands that I saw at my rich aunt's place. That is who I wanted to be like, and now it is time to release all of those thought patterns, because brands are part of the construct of perceived separation between people in this world that make us unable to see and treat each other as equals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that owning goods of a certain brand will increase my value in the eyes of other people, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within myself the belief that brands define people's status and their worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am worth more if I own certain pricey items of pricey brands, such as Nike shoes, Benetton clothes, Skinny and Palmers underwear, Prada, Dior and Hugo Boss products.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy products of different brands that I perceived/defined as superior in order to make myself feel superior and to increase my own value and think/believe/perceive that buying certain products of brands that I have defined/perceived as superior to others will increase my value in the eyes of other people, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my own self-accepted mind construct of increased/decreased value due to owning products of different brands, not realising and understanding that by allowing these constructs to exist within me, I am supporting and perpetuating the illusion and abuse of separation between people, I am supporting and perpetuating classism between people and am limiting myself from seeing/not allowing myself to see and treat all people as equals.

When and as I see myself wanting to buy a certain product only because of its brand and not taking into consideration its practical use, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within and fueling my mind's definitions about that certain brand, therefore I release the definitions/perceptions and all thought patterns I have about the brand with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath towards purchasing products that I need by considering their practical functionality.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my preferences towards certain brands and my definitions of brands that I have defined/perceived to be superior, because I realise and understand that those/my preferences and definitions have no base in actual physical reality, but are based on my mind's polarity constructs, where I will want to use/purchase products of those brands in order to make myself feel superior, and will not take into consideration first and foremost the product's practical physical application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself and feel superior to other people, whenever I am walking on the street wearing/carrying products such as Nike shoes, Benetton clothes, Skinny and Palmers underwear, Prada, Dior and Hugo Boss products, Apple products, anything that is pricey and recognised as a "respected, quality brand", instead of realising and understanding that with these products I am trying to increase my value and feel superior because I feel like I have low value as a person and feel inferior in other areas of my life, thus I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I try to compensate for my perceived inferiorities with brands in order to make myself feel superior and balance out the feeling of inferiority, not realising and understanding that I am with these thoughts and actions generating energy for my mind to exist as ego.

When and as I see myself wanting to feel proud of myself and/or superior to other people when walking on the street and/or socializing with other people, when I am carrying/wearing products that I have defined/perceived as "respected, quality brands", I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct of comparison and competition, where I will feel superior to others while carrying/wearing certain brands in order to compensate for the feeling of inferiority about myself as a person and about my appearance and being overweight, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath towards what is best for all, and I do not allow myself to go into the superiority/inferiority polarity game within my mind about brands, because I realise and understand that with this I am only generating energy for my mind to exist as ego.

I commit myself to stopping and removing my mind polarity constructs about brands and remove from my mind the symbolism of brands with which humans/we validate ourselves, because I realise and understand that perceiving and defining some brands as more than others solely because of the brand name and not because of their use/usefulness is perpetuating the separation of perceived value that is attached to different brands, and is preventing me/people to see each other as equals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous and envious of people, whom I see having/carrying/wearing products of brands that I have recognised as "respected, quality brands" and feel inferior to them, if I do not have products of such brands, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct of comparison and competition, where I will feel inferior to people whom I see having those brands, and on the flip side will feel superior to other people, when/if I have products of those brands, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to own products of brands that I have recognised as "respected, quality brands" in order to make other people jealous and envious of me for having those brands so that I can make myself feel superior to them, with which I am compensating for my own perceived inferiorities and am trying to feel equal to other people whom I perceive to lack those inferiorities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have certain products of brands that I have recognised within myself as "respected, quality brands" in order to compensate for my feeling of inferiority about my appearance and about being overweight, when I walk on the street and am socializing with people, not realising and understanding that with this kind of thinking I am participating within my mind's polarity constructs of competition and comparison, of inferiority and superiority, and am generating energy for my mind to exist as ego.

When and as I see myself being jealous/envious of people who have certain brands of cars, clothes, food, products of which I recognise the brands, and when I see myself desiring to have those brands, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that with jealousy/envy I am participating within inferiority and with the desire I am participating as the desire for superiority because I have defined those brands as something more, as something that increases people's value, therefore I release that perceived value with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath within the realisation that a few letters/symbols on a product does not make people superior/inferior.

I commit myself to stopping within myself the perception of brands increasing/decreasing people's value, because I realise and understand that with these perceptions I am only perpetuating the illusion and abuse of separation between people and am not allowing myself to see all people and myself as equals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be interested in and to some degree follow fashion, look at new collections and define myself with knowledge about fashion in order to make myself feel superior to others in order to compensate for my feelings of inferiority, instead of realising and understanding that fashion industry brands with their seasonal/yearly different collections and people who participate in following them and buying them are hugely contributing to the wasting of earth's resources and garbage creation/accumulation, and are abusing this physical existence in order to keep going the separation of status and perceived different worth of human beings who own different brands.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be and fantasize about being a supermodel in the fashion industry, and be able to wear designer clothes, have lots of money and mingle with "high society", and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive models to be superior to other women due to their appearance and jobs, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to models and their appearance and jobs, not realising and understanding that with these thoughts I am participating within my mind's polarity constructs of comparison and competition, with which I generate energy for my mind to exist as ego and am limiting myself from perceiving/seeing all human beings as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a hatred towards the fashion industry and models and designers, and judge/perceive/define models as stupid women, bimbos that have no other good attributes in their lives except for their looks, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within these thoughts in order to make myself feel superior in order to balance out my own feeling of inferiority because I perceive that I cannot be a model and cannot wear designer clothes due to my body shape, due to being overweight, not realising and understanding that I am with these thoughts abusing myself, my physical body in order to generate energy for my mind to exist as ego by participating within my self-accepted constructs of inferiority/superiority through comparison and competition.

When and as I see myself reacting with hate, anger, frustration, resentment towards the fashion industry, models and designers, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct with comparison and competition, where I feel inferior to the fashion industry for not having enough money to be able to afford its products, and feel inferior to models for not being able to wear the designer clothes for thin people, and am therefore balancing this perceived inferiority with superiority as hate, anger, frustration and resentment towards the fashion industry, models and designers. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath, and I do not allow myself to participate within comparison and competition with models, designers and the fashion industry.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all of my energetic reactions, thoughts, perceptions, definitions, feelings and emotions towards the fashion industry and people within it, because I realise and understand that otherwise I am limiting myself into mind polarity constructs about the subject and am not allowing myself to see things as they really are here in equality to all that is here.

Day 199: How I cracked Buddhist mysticism and learned to Stop Desire

Almost everyone with a Facebook account has seen this one, right?

Sounds commonsensical, right? You simply remove the ego and desire, and all of a sudden you are a happy camper.
What this little illustration fails to explain is just how one removes the ego and desire. Even the Buddhist monks and scholars do not know how to explain that one, otherwise Buddhism would have worked, and we would all be happy campers living in a world of peace. But we are not.

I'm sure many people will say that one has to meditate on it. But meditate on what? What exactly is one doing in meditation? Looking at one's own mind. And/or trying to clear it. But what is one looking at, and/or trying to clear, when one does not even know how the mind works? What conclusions and realisations does one come to through meditation? The ones that his "teachers" have told him to come to. Screw that. It is not real, because one has not actually come to any conclusions; one is at best pretending to understand the knowledge one was told by "teachers", who are pretending to understand the knowledge. If they weren't pretending and really understood the knowledge, then they would have been able to transfer that knowledge effectively onto others, Buddhism would have worked, and we would all be happy campers living in a world of peace. But we are not.

In my life I was just enough attracted to spiritualism to try get the answers that science could not give me. And that failed spectacularly.

What really did the trick for me was stumbling upon Desteni, the single greatest source of knowledge still largely unknown to mankind. I learned the power of self-forgiveness, how the mind/ego works, how this whole existence works, and through practical application of this knowledge I was able to suddenly crack all the nice mystic words that spiritual "teachers" fail to explain on a daily basis. I learned not only to remove desire, but to remove the underlying causes of it, along with ALL other mental monsters that make humans unable to enjoy Life and to really Live with themselves and each other.

So if you're ready to stop spending time, effort and money on "teachers" who are pretending to have some greater knowledge than yourself, and become your own Teacher, your own Master, then click on the links bellow and start your own Journey to Life.

https://eqafe.com/ - the knowledge treasury
http://desteniiprocess.com/ - on-line course that presents the knowledge and tools in a structured way
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ - FREE version - not as voluminous, but just as amazingly effective
http://desteni.org/ - mother site with forums and people, who are ready to assist and support you on your journey

No one outside of oneself can fix self and/or this world. It must be Self. Join us.

198: The Fear and Pride in Perfectionism

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit my work in a less than what I perceive to be perfect form due to fear that if I do not submit my work in a perfect form, that someone will find a mistake in my translation and have me fired for it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become obsessed with submitting perfect translations to the point of not allowing myself to have any free time for myself in the day, but spend almost all of my time on work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that a viewer might notice a mistake in my translation and write to my superiors and have me fired for it, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of losing my livelihood, my financial self-support in case I got fired, instead of realising and understanding that I am through this fear abdicating my absolute self-responsibility to keep myself financially stable and fluent to support myself within the system with any kind of job I can get.
When and as I see myself becoming overly worried and perfectionistic about my work, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am being overly perfectionistic because I'm afraid to make a mistake and I am fearing the possibility of being fired due to a mistake or mistakes, thus I am afraid of losing my source of income. I also realise and understand and trust myself that I can provide for myself another source of income in case I lose my job, and I realise and understand that I fear losing this job because I perceive it as glamorous and respected, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern of the perfectionism with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath and do not allow myself to be overly perfectionistic to the point of wasting my own time with unimportant details.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my job as a translator to be a respected and glamorous job, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I will make myself feel superior to other people for being a translator and am causing separation within myself and my world by defining/perceiving some jobs to be better/more than and others as worse/less than.
I commit myself to stopping and removing my wasteful and time-consuming perfectionism, because I realise and understand that otherwise I will be limiting myself only to my job and being good at work and I will not be allowing myself to expand in other areas of my life.
I commit myself to allowing myself to not worry and be perfectionistic about my job, so that I may expand myself in and explore and enjoy self-expression in other areas of my life that I am currently neglecting/ignoring due to being overly perfectionistic about my job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overly perfectionistic about my work to the extent of compromising my time, my life, my self-expression in physical movement, my process, in order to do a perfect job so that I may get feedback from others, especially my former boss, that I am doing a good job, so that I could feel proud of myself and the work that I have done, instead of realising and understanding that with this kind of behaviour and thinking I am limiting myself into a mind polarity construct, where I will feel pride as superiority to others/my peers for having done a good job, and on the flip side I will fear making a mistake and consequentially feel shame for not having done a good job, not realising and understanding that I am simply generating energy with these thoughts for my mind to survive as ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pride as superiority over others, whenever I perceive that I have done a good job with my work, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overly perfectionistic about my job and the work that I do in order to be able to feel that pride as superiority over others, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be perceived as a good translator so that I could be proud of that aspect of myself.
When and as I see myself being overly perfectionistic about my job and the work that I do, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I will feel pride for doing a good job, and on the flip side I will feel fear of not doing a good job and therefore feeling shame, thus I am generating energy for my mind to survive as ego. Therefore I release the trigger point and though pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards doing the necessary adequate work, and I do not allow myself to go into desire to be proud of my work, as I realise and understand that with that I am only supporting my ego and am not being productive at all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become overly perfectionistic about my job and the work that I do due to fear of being scolded by my superiors for not doing a good job and due to fear of being fired by my superiors for not doing a good job. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work from a starting point of fear due to allowing the memory of my boss yelling at me for making mistakes to linger around in me and generate the need for perfectionism so that I would avoid being yelled at if I make a mistake.

Day 197: Wastefulness and Recycling

When I was around 16, I got introduced to the idea of throwing away old clothes, bed sheets, kitchenware, things that we weren't using anymore (but were still perfectly useful). This was a new concept for me, because before that, when I lived in Montenegro with my parents and my father's parents, we simply did not do that, ever. We didn't throw anything away, unless it was broken beyond repair. That must have been a consequence of living in a post-world war socialist state, where capitalism and planned and perceived obsolescence were not introduced yet. Cars didn't just break down. In fact, I don't remember my parents ever taking the car to the mechanic.
Then we moved to Slovenia, a state that was more used to capitalism due to being closer to Western Europe, and I started being introduced to brands and validating oneself with having stuff from different brands. This transition from one state to another was hard on my family financially, therefore we had a constant influx of money and stuff from my rich aunt. We lived in a small apartment, and the stuff started piling up. So then one day my mother told me that this aunt told her to simply get rid of everything we weren't using. I liked the idea because of the space shortage and I perceived it would be easier to manage a home with less stuff in it. So for a while I was infatuated with throwing stuff away, perceived it as practical and felt good about myself for doing it. The aunt said not to let nostalgia get in the way, so I adopted that kind of thinking and felt good about it. This is how I started integrating perceived obsolescence within myself - by throwing away stuff that was still perfectly functional. Clothes I didn't exactly throw away, I always tried to donate them, but I was getting rid of them, because new (and quite unnecessary from a physical standpoint) stuff kept coming in.
On the other hand, I was very concerned with the massive amounts of trash that humanity produces, so when the idea of recycling was introduced in my city, when they installed separate trash bins, I latched on immediately and started recycling my (our family's) trash and believing that "hey, I cannot change the world, but I can do my small part and behave decently in order to diminish/not contribute to the harm that others are doing by throwing everything into the same bin or even on the streets". I was then very worried to hear about recycling not being effective at all, except for paper, glass and metal, due to costing more energy (and thus money) to recycle the material (mostly packaging) then to produce new one from raw resources. My illusion of me having a positive influence on the environment was crumbling fast, but I still recycle in order to feel like I'm doing something good in my endless consumerist trash producing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I was a teenager, adopt the kind of thinking that I have to throw away everything that I am not using in order to make space for the new stuff that would be coming in, that I would be buying/getting due to fashion/trends, instead of realising and understanding that with this kind of thinking I was accepting and allowing within myself the construct of perceived obsolescence, through which I was then wasting things/resources that were still perfectly usable, not realising and understanding that I am contributing to the rapid wasting of earth's resources, which I was otherwise quite unhappy and worried about, but didn't realise and understand how I myself am contributing to it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that clothes, shoes, furniture, cars, kitchenware, toys and appliances have to be periodically thrown away due to not being fashionable anymore, due to not looking good or adequate for 'our time' anymore, not realising and understanding that with this perception I was allowing within myself the wasteful mentality that is on a global scale raping the earth for resources and is incredibly harmful to the environment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conform to the way of thinking of my peers, where I would perceive certain fashion products to be important to have in order to validate myself as good enough to be accepted in the company of my peers, such as shoes and clothes of certain brands, not realising and understanding that the result of this kind of thinking, where I would constantly want to have and buy new fashionable products, would result in massive amounts of things piling up in my home, where I would eventually have to throw away things that are perfectly useful just in order to make space for the new 'fashionable' things that I would be buying/getting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw away things just because they do not look fashionable anymore without any consideration of their usefulness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad for having wasted things in the past by throwing them away even though they were still useful, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for it, be angry at myself for having been so shortsighted, instead of realising and understanding that I cannot change the past and fix it through feeling bad, I can only direct myself in the current moment and commit to not waste anything of use anymore from this point on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am a good person for recycling trash, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is enough of a contribution to improve the state of the world, and feel good about myself within the perception that I have done something good despite knowing that most of the material gathered for recycling will not be recycled due to high energy/money costs, thus I have essentially used recycling as a personality construct in which I would make myself superior to others who don't recycle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior, more than, good, for being a person that recycles, instead of realising and understanding that with this perception I am comparing and competing with other people in terms of being good or bad, not realising and understanding that I have caught myself into a polarity construct of my mind and am therefore ignoring reality such as it is by thinking that I am good and that I did a good deed because I recycled, and within that I would completely ignore the knowledge I have about recycling being less effective than the public/me have lead ourselves to believe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be seen as a good person by other people AND myself because I recycle and take care of the earth, instead of realising and understanding that I am using recycling in order to try and validate myself through manipulating the opinions of others and myself about me into a positive direction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worried and concerned about the massive amounts of trash that humans, especially us in the so-called first world are producing, instead of realising and understanding that with this concern I am yet again trying to build/manipulate myself and others into thinking that I am a good person, and am thinking that this feeling of concern is enough and that then I do not have to move myself practically to have an actual substantial physical effect of diminishing the trash that humans produce.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless to do anything about the amount of trash that humanity produces, and think/believe/perceive that I can only powerlessly watch how this planet is being destroyed by trash, instead of realising and understanding that I am limiting myself with these thoughts from actually doing something substantial about it like educating myself about trash and all the dimensions involved and learning how to effectively diminish the impact that trash has on our planet and then share that knowledge with others.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that my concern and feeling of powerlessness in relation to trash on this planet is only an outflow of laziness and my unwillingness to move myself and find ways to be effective in the diminishing of trash.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that as long as I recycle, that I am good, not realising and understanding that I am simply following some accepted belief imposed on society that recycling is good, and am therefore only automatically reacting to the problem of trash and am following some bogus solution that others have come up with, thus I am not being self-directive about solutions to actually diminish the trash around us and its impact on our world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be horrified by the massive amount of trash that is polluting our oceans, and then define/perceive humanity as horrible beings that don't give a shit about their environment, without actually realising and understanding that I am having just as much of an effect and contribution to the trash in our oceans and everywhere else as other human beings, thus I am essentially being horrified at myself, but am not seeing that in my separation from other human beings, which I manifest by making myself superior to them in my perception that I am ok because I recycle.
When and as I see myself becoming horrified by the massive amounts of trash on earth, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment separating myself from myself, humanity and all that is here with the perception that I am not a part of humanity that does the polluting, thus I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I make myself superior to humanity because I perceive that I would never have allowed something like that if I were in charge, not realising and understanding that no one is really in charge and we are all allowing this collectively. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern behind being horrified and I direct myself in breath towards finding practical solutions of diminishing and clearing the trash.
I commit myself to stopping and removing all of my participation through my mind in the feelings of horror and limitation in relation to trash on earth, because I realise and understand that when I clear myself of energetic reactions towards the subject, I can effectively move myself and direct myself in clarity towards finding solutions that would contribute to the diminishing and clearing of trash on our planet.
blaming producers for packaging stupidly
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project blame, anger, frustration and resentment towards producers of goods that spend a lot of material on packaging, instead of realising and understanding that I am with this again making myself feel superior to them, and am not having any real substantial effect on or solution for diminishing the amount of trash that is being produced by way of packaging.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define plastic shell packaging that most small electronic devices and accessories come in as wasteful and unnecessary, and have a negative emotional reaction towards it such as anger at the company that makes the product and decides to package it this way, instead of investigating the reason for this, which is probably the company wanting the consumer to think that the product has not been tampered with in any way before purchase.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply accept and allow a world where we do not trust each other to not screw each other over in terms of not tampering with a product before purchase, thus making the need for plastic shell packaging a necessity that wastes a lot of earth's resources and is harming it by polluting it after the product has been purchased, instead of realising and understanding that by accepting this behaviour as a fact of life, I am contributing to earth's slow demise and am personally responsible for it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply accept and allow a world where trust between human beings is almost non-existent, and when it does exist, it exists based on money and the power and safety that money represents in this world, not realising and understanding that trust as self-expression not based in money/safety/power is established as self-trust to always do what is best for all, and that I accepted the lack of trust because I was lacking the self-trust to always do what is best for all within the realisation that I am not separate from anything that is here, but am co-existing as an equal part of this physical reality and am therefore responsible for it in its entirety.

Day 196: A not-so-surprising twist

Today I set out to do self-forgiveness on my perceptions and beliefs and definitions of myself in relation to sustainability, but the more I turned the points inwards, the more I gravitated towards money and the power it represents in our minds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, frustration, resentment, sadness and powerlessness, when I see other people not caring for the environment, throwing trash on the streets and lawns and parks and anywhere outside of the designated trashcans and containers, when I see people wasting water, when I see people not dividing their trash into recyclables, throwing away glass bottles and paper together with non-recyclable trash, and everything else that I perceive to be transgressions against nature, instead of realising and understanding that with these feelings/emotions I am putting myself in a superior position over them by judging them as living unsustainably, I am comparing myself to them, thus I am participating within my mind and feeding it energy with this behaviour/experience within myself, not realising and understanding that I am limiting myself into a polarity mind construct of positive and negative, superior and inferior, thus disabling myself from directing myself effectively towards what is best for all in equality with all that is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior, better and more than people whom I perceive are not caring for the planet and the environment by taking into consideration the management of trash.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior, less than, limited, disempowered and helpless, when I see people not taking into consideration the waste that they produce and how wasteful they are.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/define people whom I perceive to be wasting resources such as water and food as bad/inferior/evil/limited, not realising and understanding that with this judgement I am participating within my mind's polarity construct where on the flip side I judge/define myself as superior/good/benevolent for taking into consideration nature and resources and trying to minimize my wasting of resources, thus I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, with which I feed energy to my mind as ego, and I am limiting myself from being directive about the subject.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear telling people that they should be less wasteful and think/believe/perceive that I have no right to tell them how they should live, because I myself wouldn't want other people to tell me how I should live, thus in this case I am perpetuating the fuckup by not doing to another what I wouldn't want done onto myself in terms of the ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be insulted and angry, whenever I see/perceive that other people are telling me how I should be living my life, and have the words "how dare they" come up within me, instead of critically assessing what they are saying and implementing with myself that which is good without any emotional reactions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that no one should be and has the right to be telling me how I should live my life and what I should be doing in my life with things that I perceive to be mine, instead of realising and understanding that with this kind of thinking I am allowing ultimate separation within myself, where I will perceive myself as completely autonomous and separated from the world into my own little bubble, my own little life, where I am allowed to do as I please without considering others and my environment and the planet as a whole, but focus only on myself and the instant gratification of my own personal needs/wants/desires.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have in my life more things and more resources than I actually need to live and function normally, instead of realising and understanding that this want/need/desire is coming from my fear of not having enough in the future and is also stemming from a desire to prove myself in society as a successful person, which I would display through owning more than I need, through owning pricy products, not realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind construct of conspicuous consumption, where I will want to flaunt my status with products and services of a high/the highest standard in order to feel equal or superior to other people within my comparison and competition with them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare and compete with other people in terms of owning products, money, resources, and feel inferior to them, when I perceive that I have less material possessions than them and/or have products of less value, and on the flip side will feel superior to them, when I perceive that I have more material possessions than them and products of more value, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct and I am feeding my mind as ego energy with these thoughts of comparison and competition, inferiority and superiority in terms of material possessions in order for my mind to survive as ego, thus I am abusing my physical body and am harvesting its substance in order to transform it into energy for the sake of generating these thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I 'own' anything in this world, and create energetic relationships to the things that I perceive to be owning by creating within myself a fear of loss towards those things, and creating self-definitions with which I will value/validate myself, thus I will use those things in order to create definitions of myself in relation to those things, where I will feel superior or inferior for 'owning' them, and I will also feel superior and/or inferior for not 'owning' certain things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as a person that lives more or less sustainably, and within this feel superior and more than other people, not realising and understanding that with this self-definition I have limited myself into a mind construct, beyond which I cannot see.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior to other people for NOT owning certain products that I perceive/define as wasteful and useless or not too useful, and overpriced for being of a certain brand.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior to people whom I see using Apple products, and whom I perceive to not have any practical need for them, and to then judge those people as wasteful and falling victim to conspicuous consumption, instead of realising and understanding that I am doing so because I feel inferior for not being able to afford/not wanting to afford and compromise my budget for an Apple product, thus I am essentially being jealous and envious of those people and their monetary status/ability to afford Apple products.
When and as I see myself wanting to judge people for having Apple products, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am wanting to make myself feel superior, because I feel inferior for not having an Apple product, because I perceive/define Apple products to be a status symbol of the wealthy/well of people, therefore
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive Apple products to be a status symbol of the wealthy/well off people, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to have Apple products in order to project an image of myself and have other people perceive me as a wealthy/well off person, who deserves their respect.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate Apple products and people who have Apple products to respect, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate money and the display of having enough/a lot of money with respect.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel respect and envy at the same time for people who have Apple products, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within comparison and competition with those people, thus I am participating within my mind and I am not being equal to all that is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel respect and fear for/of people whom I perceive to have a lot of money, and then compare to them and wish that I was like them, and then start competing with them in my mind and then feel inferior and try to project superiority in order to compensate for the inferiority I am feeling, which I would then project outwards as hostility, jealousy and general judgment of those people as being less than myself because they are indulging in such a despicable display of wealth, which I would also like to be indulging in, in order to be respected and feared for having a lot of money, because I connect and equate that with power over others and over my own life.
When and as I see myself having any kind of energetic reactions towards people whom I perceive to be having a lot of money, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I will feel inferior to them, because I connect and equate having a lot of money with having power, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath in equality with those people, and I do not allow myself to go into polarity experiences of my mind.
I commit myself to stopping and removing all of my energetic reactions towards people whom I perceive to have a lot of money, because I realise and understand that money is only a perceived form of power that we have all agreed upon collectively, and is causing massive abuse of life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people, whom I perceive to have a lot of money, can hurt me in some way, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel vulnerable, exposed, and at the mercy of people whom I perceive to have a lot of money, instead of realising and understanding that by allowing this fear within me I am perpetuating the abuse that money causes in the world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use/utilize money to hurt other people, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about having a lot of money with which I could then hurt people that I perceive have done me wrong, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within the abusive mind patterns that sometimes play out in reality, thus I am supporting the abuse that money can buy.
When and as I see myself thinking about using money in order to hurt/spite other people, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct of inferiority/superiority and constructs about displays of power, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for all, because I realise and understand that the utilization of money as power is unacceptable.
I commit myself to stopping and removing all of my thought patterns and mind constructs about money as power, because I realise and understand that as long as I have those within me, I cannot be trusted with Life, I cannot trust myself with Life, because there exists a potential of abuse in me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use money as power over others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use money in order to buy affection and fondness of other people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy things for others in order for them to like me and to be my friends whom I could rely on in the future to have my back and essentially return the favour that I did them by buying things for them, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within an energetic debt system as a debtor, thus I am abusing others by binding them into a non-spoken contract/agreement that they will return what I perceive that I have given them, when in reality I handed over a few pieces of paper, a few numbers, an illusion.

Day 195: Walking alone in the woods in order to avoid people in the park

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when taking a walk, choose a path that is not too popular with other people and is less walked by them, in order to not have to meet people, not have to walk behind them in their pace while perceiving and judging them as being too slow, not have to fear being judged for my appearance by them, which I am fearing because I myself in my mind judge and compare to and compete with people in my field of vision based on appearance, way of walking or jogging. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then feel superior to other people and perceive myself as adventurous for taking a less popular path than the people who walk on surfaces that have been specifically designed to be walked on in the park.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to people whom I see jogging, whenever I take a walk, and be sad and angry with myself for not being as physically fit as them and not being able to run and with that get and keep myself physically fit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer seeing plants and animals on my walks rather than people, because plants and animals do not talk and do not judge, instead of realising and understanding that any kind of judgement I am fearing from people is actually a self-judgement that I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel calmer and happier with plants and animals than with people, because I perceive that I can be myself with plants and animals, and I perceive that with people I always have to keep up some energetic appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive people outside of my home whom I do not know as a burden, whenever I have to pass them, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anger, frustration and even hatred for people outside of my home, because I do not feel comfortable in my own skin in order to share myself, my self-expression unconditionally without fear of being judged for my appearance and behaviour, for which I realise and understand that I am fearing it because I'm doing it myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid people on my walks in order to not feel judged, not realising and understanding that I am fearing only my self-judgement, which I will experience as fear of others doing it to me.

When and as I see myself trying to avoid people on my walks because I fear being judged by them for my appearance and behaviour, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am fearing judgement, because I myself have judged others by appearance and behaviour on my walks, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath within the realisation that the judgement I fear is my own self-judgement, and I release that self-judgement with self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I commit myself to stopping myself every time I see myself wanting to avoid people on my walks due to fear of being judged by them for my appearance and behaviour, because I realise and understand that whatever judgement I am fearing that they have is actually my own self-judgement.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all of my self-judgements that I normally project as fear of others doing to me, with which I prevent myself from walking amongst people and avoid doing so because of my own judgements, because I realise and understand that with this kind of behaviour I am limiting myself from walking where I would actually like to be walking.