Day 213: The Middle of a Conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated, anxious and feel lost and trapped, whenever I perceive that I have little time and still need to work, but am not working due to some other activity I'm participating in.

When and as I see myself becoming emotional, irritated, anxious and feel lost and trapped due to perceiving that I am short on time, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am not helping myself by being emotional, but am in fact wasting even more time by being emotional about it, therefore I commit myself to stay here in breath and do not allow myself to dwell on the fact that I have little time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like other people are wasting my time, and them blame them for it, whenever I talk to them while having little time to spare, and the conversation is not taking the direction that I want it to take, instead of realising and understanding that I am the one that chooses what I will be doing with my time and am therefore fully responsible for organizing it.

When and as I see myself wanting to blame others for 'wasting my time', I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am fully responsible for arranging and organizing my time so I spend it as efficiently as I can, and by blaming others I am only trying to shift this responsibility onto them, thus I am taking my power over it away from myself. Therefore I commit myself to not go into blame towards other people for wasting my time, but direct myself in breath and prioritize my time with common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless and hopeless, whenever I participate in a (group) conversation, where things seem to have slipped out of hand and a conflict seems to arise. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to yell at the participants to stop it, and think/believe/perceive that this is the only way to stop a conflict from happening. I also forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my ability to resolve a conflict between people in a calm and civilized way.

I realise and understand that I would only be fueling the fire of conflict more by participating with yelling, therefore I commit myself to, whenever I see a conflict arising in a group around me, to ground myself with breathing and direct the conversation back to common sense with self-trust that I am able to do it.

I forgive myself  that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with annoyance and want/need/desire to lash out at people and shout at them, whenever I perceive that I am doing everything in my power to resolve issues in a calm and civilised way, instead of realising and understanding that I am in that moment participating with superiority by thinking how calm and civilised I am, and am then being bewildered as to why it is not working, start feeling inferior and want to compensate for that by lashing out, thus taking a superior stance. This all is then my participation within and as ego that is looking for energy.

When and as I see myself becoming annoyed that my calm approach to a conflict is not working, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am only trying to appear calm, but am in fact participating within and as ego wanting to direct others and take credit for it's/my 'efficiency'. Therefore I commit myself to stop myself first, ground myself with breath and direct myself with common sense towards what is best for all, thus I assess whether it is beneficial to all to keep participating in the conversation in that moment or not.

Day 210: Deconstructing resentment towards my mother

Recently my mother and I had to spend a few days together, and I was having a lot of reactions that I had not cleared up yet because we haven't spent that much time together in years. Out of sight, out of mind. So in this one and the next few blogs I will be focusing on deconstructing my behavioral patterns in relation to my mother.

The first thing I'd like to focus on is my childhood. In our time together I noticed that I blame my mother for not giving me direction in childhood, for not being the directive principle for me to develop and use my 'many talents'.
I also noticed that since childhood I was perceiving her and my father to be spiteful towards me, to have a sort of hatred towards me because my grandmother in their eyes spoiled me rotten and kind of took me over from them, stole me from them (emotionally). Which was the easiest thing in the world to do considering how they were violent alcoholics, and she was not, therefore she represented a safe haven for me form my parents.
The third thing I'll be focusing on is my mother's inability to keep a promise and my resentment towards her for it. This is a pattern that I have developed within myself as well, therefore I will turn the point inwards and work on correcting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mother, to resent and blame her because I perceive that she was not giving me the opportunity to develop my talents in terms of music, especially singing, and dancing, especially ballet. Within this I also forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and resentful towards my father, for whom I have learned after his death that he had said to my mother that it is a pity that Hilda didn't go into singing, but he never said that to me.

When and as I see myself remembering/thinking that my parents didn't give me the direction that I perceive would have been right for me, and wanting to feel resentful towards them and blame them for me "not reaching my utmost potential", I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am dwelling on the past in order to feed energy to my mind as ego with shifting the responsibility for the way my life turned out onto my parents. Therefore I commit myself to stop myself in that moment and not allow myself to go into blame and resentment, because I realise and understand that by staying in that mind pattern I am dwelling on the past, thus taking my power away from myself in that very moment, instead of empowering myself to create the direction I want to take for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dissatisfied with the way my life turned out and where I am at the moment, to feel unrealised and incomplete, because I perceive that I should have pursued a career in music rather than science. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for apparently not showing me the way to pursuing a career in music, especially singing, instead of realising and understanding that I myself have also never moved myself to realise this part of me, thus the responsibility is on me.

When and as I see myself dwelling on the past in terms of my parents not doing anything to push me into the direction of singing, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment in my mind shifting responsibility for my life and how it turned out onto my parents, which is unacceptable, therefore I commit myself to bring myself here with breathing and do not allow myself to dwell on the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I was never good enough to pursue a career in music, specifically that I wasn't a good enough violin player in order to become a professional violin player, and have therefore rather directed myself towards science.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel remorse for not recognizing my own talents "soon enough" and not pursuing a career in singing and music myself, and be angry at myself for that, instead of realising and understanding that by having remorse and anger at myself for the past, I am locking myself in the past, I am not being here and I am taking away my power/directive principle in the present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is too late for me to pursue a career in music/singing, and feel bad about this, like I have missed something big in my life, and due to that feel incomplete, unrealised, less than and inferior to the potential I see within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare even consider pursuing a career in singing/music, because I thought/believed/perceived that I am not pretty enough to do so, not realising and understanding that I am being influenced by and am comparing myself to the images I see in the media, which are not even real to start with, but generated with makeup and artistic illusions.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like my parents, especially my mother, were being spiteful towards me because I liked to be at my grandmother's place more than at home, because I perceived it to be more safe and peaceful there than at home where my parents were fighting. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt and attacked every time my mother would bring up the subject of my grandmother having stolen me from her, and feel like she is making me responsible for something that was the consequence of her own doing, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like an innocent victim of my mother's delusions and victimize myself instead of realising and understanding that this is how I take my power away from myself by acknowledging that she had more power than me to make me feel a certain way.

When and as I see myself thinking back and perceiving that my mother/my parents were blaming me and being spiteful towards me for my grandmother stealing me from her/them emotionally, and feeling like an innocent and powerless victim within this, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am only feeding my mind as ego (negative) energy, therefore I commit myself to immediately bring myself back here and do not allow myself to feel like a victim of my mother, because I realise and understand that I am in that moment shifting responsibility for the way I experience myself onto her, which is unacceptable.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with and resentful towards my mother for never keeping her promises, especially about quitting drinking, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like her victim every time she didn't fulfill her promise that she will quit drinking. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop the belief that not all promises need to be kept.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior, less than and unimportant to my mother every time she failed to keep a promise to me, instead of realising and understanding that her not keeping her promises had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.

When and as I see myself thinking back on my mother's unkept promises and feel like I was not good enough or worthy enough for her to keep her promises to me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within self-victimization, therefore I commit myself to bring myself back here with breathing, because I realise and understand that I am abdicating my self-responsibility with self-victimization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not respect and fulfill my promises and commitments, and find it easy to not keep/fulfill them according to the way I felt or didn't feel in the moment of having to keep them, instead of realising and understanding that this is how I crumble and ruin my integrity and standing.

When and as I see myself wanting to back out of a promise/commitment and not do what I promised/committed myself to do for any reason, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment compromising my integrity, therefore I commit myself to investigate the reasons for not wanting to keep a promise and/or fulfill a commitment, I remove the reasons with self-forgiveness and correct myself and direct myself towards keeping the promise/fulfilling the commitment within common sense and the principle of what is best for all.

Day 192: Feeling threatened by other people's success

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened, compromised and diminished by someone else's success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior, less than and bad about myself, whenever I see that someone has succeeded in a point which I would like to or am trying to succeed in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel jealous and envious of someone whom I perceive has succeeded in a point or points that I am trying to succeed in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a positive value to the word success and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior, whenever I perceive that I have succeeded within something and on the flip side feel inferior, whenever I perceive that I have not succeeded.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative value to the word failure and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior, less than and negative and bad about myself, whenever I perceive that I have failed in/with some point.

When and as I see myself feeling inferior, whenever I see/perceive that someone else has succeeded in/with something that I would like to succeed in/with as well, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that within that moment I am participating in comparison and competition constructs of my mind, therefore I immediately release the trigger point and thought pattern, I forgive myself for comparing and competing within my own thoughts, and I direct myself in breath and do not allow myself to have any energetic reactions towards the success of others. 

I commit myself to stopping and removing any and all energetic/emotional reactions towards other people's successes and my own as well, because I realise and understand that any kind of emotional reactions to success spring from my own comparison and competition mind constructs, with which I abuse myself and potentially others as well while allowing my mind to run rampant with polarity constructs thus feeding it energy to survive as ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate success with winning, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a winner, whenever I perceive that I have succeeded at something, and on the flip side feel as a loser, whenever I perceive that I didn't succeed at something. Within this I also forgive myself for feeling like a loser in the light of another's success within a point that I myself would like to succeed in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and angry with myself and blame myself for failing or not succeeding, whenever I see/perceive that someone else has succeeded in a point that I would like to succeed within as well, instead of realising and understanding that I am judging myself and with that limiting myself within comparison and competition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to myself in the face of another's success with the thoughts/words: "They can do it, they are strong, you cannot do it, you are weak", instead of realising and understanding that within that very moment of addressing myself as "you", I am experiencing and allowing and accepting the ultimate separation of myself from myself through energies of wants/needs/desires/competition/comparison, and I am allowing my mind as ego to have complete directive principle over me.

When and as I see myself having backchat and talking to myself about how and what I am like within comparison to another's success or failure, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment accepting and allowing myself to be severely separated from myself into multiple characters that are having a fight, therefore I stop my thoughts with breathing, I apply the necessary self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath with awareness and do not allow myself to have inner conversations with myself.

I commit myself to becoming aware of my internal conversations with myself and stopping them, because I realise and understand that in the moment of having an internal conversation with myself, I am fragmented and separated into multiple dimensions which are run automatically by my mind, and I do not have any directive principle over myself, but am abdicating it to my mind as ego which is in that moment feeding itself energy to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior, whenever I see/perceive that someone has failed in a point that I was working with as well, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel called and justified to give advice to that person and help them from the starting point of wanting to fortify and cement my feeling of superiority over them, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's ego polarity construct of feeling positive, more than and superior in the face of someone's failure, and on the flip side will feel negative, less than, and inferior in the face of someone's success, all stemming from comparison and competition of my mind as ego with which I generate energy for it to survive.

When and as I see myself feeling superior, positive and good about myself in the face of someone else's failure, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment participating with my mind as ego in constructs of comparison and competition, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath, not allowing myself to have any energetic movement within myself towards another's failure, but direct myself in equality towards doing what is best for us both within the context of what is best for all.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all feelings of superiority in the face of someone else's failure, and all feelings of inferiority in the face of someone else's success with points that I am working with myself, because I realise and understand that with those feelings I am allowing separation within myself form myself and all that is here, and am not being the directive principle of myself, but am abdicating that function to my mind as ego and am feeding it energy to survive.

next point will be: misery loves company

Day 189: Blaming myself for the way I look - continued

This blog is a continuation of my previous blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that there is something wrong with me because I am fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively and be angry at myself and hate myself, whenever I am trying to lose weight, and the number on the scale will not go down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a number on the scale, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself, whenever I see that the number on the scale has dropped from the previous day, and on the flip side feel bad about myself, whenever the number has not dropped or has increased from the previous day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive having a fat body as not being eligible to do all the activities that I have defined as normal for thin people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that as long as I am fat, I will never be able to enjoy all the activities with friends, family and partners that I perceive slim people to be able to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I shouldn't be wearing a swimsuit, and that the sight of me in a swimsuit is offensive to other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive fat people in a swimsuit to be an offensive sight for thin and slim people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that fat people should never be seen in a swimsuit, instead of realising and understanding that I have brainwashed myself into society standards of what it is acceptable to look like, and what is not acceptable in terms of appearance, not realising and understanding that I myself have adopted within myself the kind of thinking that I perceive to be abusive in other people, thus I am abusing myself with this kind of thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others and be angry at other people for accepting and allowing and following society norms about what one's appearance should be like, and for calling fat people names and believing that fat people are ugly, instead of realising and understanding that I myself have adopted these 'norms' within myself, and am therefore abusing myself with thoughts about these norms, and it is not other people that are abusing me with their perceptions and thoughts, but me myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that it is not other people who are abusing me with their beliefs, perceptions and definitions of fat and thin people, but me myself, because I have bought into and integrated within myself the societal standards of how one should look in order to be acceptable.

When and as I see myself feeling angry or energetic in any other way about what other people think/believe/perceive about fat and slim people, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am not in fact reacting to what they are saying, but to my own inner beliefs/perceptions/definitions of appearance that I triggered within myself through their words. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness until I am clear of the energetic reaction, and I direct myself in breath and do not allow myself to go into energetic reactions of blame towards others or myself for having certain beliefs about fat people, but I simply remove those beliefs from myself with self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, hateful and resentful, whenever I see/perceive that someone, especially someone who has in their life not struggled with weight, is trying to teach me something about weight loss. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with the thoughts 'how dare you, you know nothing, I have been researching this all my life', not realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct of feeling inferior, whenever someone is trying to teach me something about weight loss, and accompanying guilt for being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel outraged and diminished, whenever I see/perceive that someone is trying to give me dieting advice, especially if that someone never actually was obese or had weight problems, instead of remaining here in breath and not allowing myself to take other people's comments about my weight and dieting personally. 

When and as I see myself reacting to other people telling me what I should be doing in order to lose weight, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that by reacting to their statements I am allowing myself to validate myself through their words and am therefore giving my power away to someone else's perception and belief about me and weight loss, instead of remaining here in breath in self-certainty and self-trust that I know best how my body responds to various diets and weight loss plans.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that losing weight is as simple as cutting my calorie intake and exercising more, and within this feel guilt and shame for not being able to do so, not realising and understanding that with this perception/belief I have clouded my ability to see what is here, and that my weight loss/gain is not following the mechanism that I have accepted myself to believe it is.

In the next blog I will investigate the things that are apparently wrong with me.