Day 210: Deconstructing resentment towards my mother

Recently my mother and I had to spend a few days together, and I was having a lot of reactions that I had not cleared up yet because we haven't spent that much time together in years. Out of sight, out of mind. So in this one and the next few blogs I will be focusing on deconstructing my behavioral patterns in relation to my mother.

The first thing I'd like to focus on is my childhood. In our time together I noticed that I blame my mother for not giving me direction in childhood, for not being the directive principle for me to develop and use my 'many talents'.
I also noticed that since childhood I was perceiving her and my father to be spiteful towards me, to have a sort of hatred towards me because my grandmother in their eyes spoiled me rotten and kind of took me over from them, stole me from them (emotionally). Which was the easiest thing in the world to do considering how they were violent alcoholics, and she was not, therefore she represented a safe haven for me form my parents.
The third thing I'll be focusing on is my mother's inability to keep a promise and my resentment towards her for it. This is a pattern that I have developed within myself as well, therefore I will turn the point inwards and work on correcting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mother, to resent and blame her because I perceive that she was not giving me the opportunity to develop my talents in terms of music, especially singing, and dancing, especially ballet. Within this I also forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and resentful towards my father, for whom I have learned after his death that he had said to my mother that it is a pity that Hilda didn't go into singing, but he never said that to me.

When and as I see myself remembering/thinking that my parents didn't give me the direction that I perceive would have been right for me, and wanting to feel resentful towards them and blame them for me "not reaching my utmost potential", I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am dwelling on the past in order to feed energy to my mind as ego with shifting the responsibility for the way my life turned out onto my parents. Therefore I commit myself to stop myself in that moment and not allow myself to go into blame and resentment, because I realise and understand that by staying in that mind pattern I am dwelling on the past, thus taking my power away from myself in that very moment, instead of empowering myself to create the direction I want to take for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dissatisfied with the way my life turned out and where I am at the moment, to feel unrealised and incomplete, because I perceive that I should have pursued a career in music rather than science. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for apparently not showing me the way to pursuing a career in music, especially singing, instead of realising and understanding that I myself have also never moved myself to realise this part of me, thus the responsibility is on me.

When and as I see myself dwelling on the past in terms of my parents not doing anything to push me into the direction of singing, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment in my mind shifting responsibility for my life and how it turned out onto my parents, which is unacceptable, therefore I commit myself to bring myself here with breathing and do not allow myself to dwell on the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I was never good enough to pursue a career in music, specifically that I wasn't a good enough violin player in order to become a professional violin player, and have therefore rather directed myself towards science.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel remorse for not recognizing my own talents "soon enough" and not pursuing a career in singing and music myself, and be angry at myself for that, instead of realising and understanding that by having remorse and anger at myself for the past, I am locking myself in the past, I am not being here and I am taking away my power/directive principle in the present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is too late for me to pursue a career in music/singing, and feel bad about this, like I have missed something big in my life, and due to that feel incomplete, unrealised, less than and inferior to the potential I see within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare even consider pursuing a career in singing/music, because I thought/believed/perceived that I am not pretty enough to do so, not realising and understanding that I am being influenced by and am comparing myself to the images I see in the media, which are not even real to start with, but generated with makeup and artistic illusions.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like my parents, especially my mother, were being spiteful towards me because I liked to be at my grandmother's place more than at home, because I perceived it to be more safe and peaceful there than at home where my parents were fighting. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt and attacked every time my mother would bring up the subject of my grandmother having stolen me from her, and feel like she is making me responsible for something that was the consequence of her own doing, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like an innocent victim of my mother's delusions and victimize myself instead of realising and understanding that this is how I take my power away from myself by acknowledging that she had more power than me to make me feel a certain way.

When and as I see myself thinking back and perceiving that my mother/my parents were blaming me and being spiteful towards me for my grandmother stealing me from her/them emotionally, and feeling like an innocent and powerless victim within this, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am only feeding my mind as ego (negative) energy, therefore I commit myself to immediately bring myself back here and do not allow myself to feel like a victim of my mother, because I realise and understand that I am in that moment shifting responsibility for the way I experience myself onto her, which is unacceptable.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with and resentful towards my mother for never keeping her promises, especially about quitting drinking, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like her victim every time she didn't fulfill her promise that she will quit drinking. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop the belief that not all promises need to be kept.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior, less than and unimportant to my mother every time she failed to keep a promise to me, instead of realising and understanding that her not keeping her promises had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.

When and as I see myself thinking back on my mother's unkept promises and feel like I was not good enough or worthy enough for her to keep her promises to me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within self-victimization, therefore I commit myself to bring myself back here with breathing, because I realise and understand that I am abdicating my self-responsibility with self-victimization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not respect and fulfill my promises and commitments, and find it easy to not keep/fulfill them according to the way I felt or didn't feel in the moment of having to keep them, instead of realising and understanding that this is how I crumble and ruin my integrity and standing.

When and as I see myself wanting to back out of a promise/commitment and not do what I promised/committed myself to do for any reason, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment compromising my integrity, therefore I commit myself to investigate the reasons for not wanting to keep a promise and/or fulfill a commitment, I remove the reasons with self-forgiveness and correct myself and direct myself towards keeping the promise/fulfilling the commitment within common sense and the principle of what is best for all.

Day 190: Fat people as second class human beings

The treatment of fat people in our society is just a much milder form of the hatred black people had to endure solely because of their appearance. In this blog I am revealing and de-constructing the thought processes behind this phenomenon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as a second class human being because I am fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy into and participate within the social construct of fat people being seen and treated as second class human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that human beings who are fat are worth less than human beings who are slim, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad and negative about myself for not being slim and feel inferior to slim human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is not ok to be fat and that I have to do everything in my power to lose weight, not realising and understanding that my power to lose weight it pretty limited, and therefore feel like a failure whenever I fail to lose weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a constant and continuous wish to not be fat, and therefore exist in a constant and continuous battle with myself in order to lose weight, instead of realising and understanding that it is my perception that I need to change, and not my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as gross because of being fat, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive fat people to be gross for being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that there is something wrong with me because fat accumulates on my body in greater quantities than on slim people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that the sight of fat people is offending to thin/slim people, and therefore avoid being seen, thus closing myself off in my room and rarely go out in order to not offend anyone with the way I look.

When and as I see myself having resistances to going outside and exposing myself to people's sight due to the way I look and due to fearing how other people will see/perceive me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my own self-created mind polarity construct of definitions and perceptions about fat and thin people, therefore I investigate and release the trigger point and thought pattern with writing and self-forgiveness, I direct myself in breath and I do not allow myself to limit myself in what I do and where I go because of the way I look.

I commit myself to writing out and stopping all of my definitions and perceptions of fat people and thin people, because I realise and understand that I am limiting myself in actual physical reality due to those definitions and perceptions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with sadness and anger and frustration and resentment, whenever I see and perceive that people, especially men, are treating fat people worse than thin people. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so sad that I would bawl and cry my eyes out due to my perception of this behaviour being completely unfair.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the energetic reaction of "this is so unfair", whenever I see/perceive that thin people are being treated with more attention, respect, admiration and love than fat people, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself, whenever I see this, and go into sadness and anger, frustration and resentment towards myself for apparently not being able to cause people to behave towards me and perceive me like they behave towards and perceive thin people, instead of remaining here in breath within the realisation that picture driven behaviour is part of the abusive ego, and that I do not have do accept and allow such an existence within myself.

When and as I see myself reacting to my perception of thin people being treated nicer than fat people, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am reacting to something that I am still allowing to exist within myself, therefore I turn the point inwards, I release the thought pattern with which I am allowing within myself the behaviour that I am reacting to, and I direct myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I have within myself accepted and allowed a world in which fat people are seen and treated as second class human beings, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that this is ok that fat people are being treated worse than thin people, because everyone is saying how being fat is not only ugly but is also unhealthy, and that everyone should be thin in order to avoid being sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that being fat means that one is unhealthy, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to have health problems in my future due to being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate being fat with being unhealthy. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having heart and coronary problems in the future due to being fat, and feel powerless and helpless to do anything about it, because within my observations I have found that I can only lose weight if I starve myself, which I also know is not healthy for my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as being trampled and treated nastily by society for being fat, instead of seeing, realising and understanding that I am the creator of my own experience, thus I am the one that has accepted and allowed society's perceptions, beliefs and constructs about fat people to become part of me, and so I am actually the one that is trampling myself and treating myself nastily based on the constructs I have adopted from society over the years of my life.

When and as I see myself feeling that society is somehow to blame that I experience myself as inferior for being fat, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am experiencing my own mind within my own body, I am participating within my own constructs that I have adopted throughout the years, therefore I stop myself and investigate and release the trigger point and thought patter with which I created the experience within myself, and I direct myself in breath within the realisation that I am unconditionally responsible for way I experience myself and am also unconditionally responsible for correcting the way I experience myself with writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my inner experiences and energetic reactions that I have towards society's treatment of fat people, because I realise and understand that everything I see on the outside that I react to is actually my own acceptances and allowances within my mind, which I need to clear and correct into a direction that is best for me within the context of what is best for all.

Day 180: Holding a grudge

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold a grudge towards my partner/parents/siblings/family/friends/other people, whenever I perceive that they have hurt me, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within the victimisation construct of my mind and I am not taking absolute self-responsibility for how I experience myself in every moment. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have revenge on the people whom I held a grudge against, instead of realising and understanding that by doing so, I am living in the past and giving in to my mind's energetic fluctuations, and am not stable here, directing myself in breath.

When and as I see myself holding a grudge against anyone and perceiving that they have hurt me or somehow wronged me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment abdicating my self-responsibility for how I experience myself through participation within a victimisation mind construct, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath within the realisation that I solely am responsible for how I experience myself in every moment.

I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness and self-corrective application stop and remove all my victimisation constructs and consequential grudges and quarrels, because I realise and understand that those are a consequence of me not taking absolute responsibility for how I experience myself in every moment, and I realise and understand that I am in fact absolutely responsible for the energetic reactions that I myself create within the bounds of my physical body.