Friday, 20 June 2014

Day 188: Blaming myself for the way I look

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself, hate myself, be resentful towards and angry with myself for the way I look / for being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt because I am fat within the belief that I am to blame that I am fat because I eat too much, instead of realising and understanding from my own observations of the amount of food I eat that there is something more going on than just the amount of food I eat that is responsible for the accumulation of fat on my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt in front of other people for being fat, because I think/believe/perceive that they are going to blame me for being fat and that I am to be blamed because I do not do anything about being fat, although I constantly and continuously battle my body to not be fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a constant and continuous battle with my body, within which I will work against it and deprive it of food and necessary nutrients in my belief that if I cut my food intake, I will lose weight, instead of realising and understanding from my observations of my own eating habits and weight fluctuations that I have a very limited influence on my weight, when I adjust my food intake, therefore the core of the problem is not in the amount and type of food I eat, but somewhere else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate about losing weight, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to lose weight in order to feel normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive having a slim body as normal, and having a fat body as abnormal, instead of relising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct of what is normal/beautiful and what is not, which I have built up through years of accumulating outside knowledge about these factors based on media and other people's perceptions of normal/beautiful and abnormal/ugly, not realising and understanding that I am with this only supporting the unreal mind polarity construct of perceptions about the human body, and am not taking into consideration the actual physical body and its functions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work against my body and constantly and continuously try to make it slimmer by investigating and applying different diets and exercise plans in order to mould myself into a shape that I have perceived and defined as acceptable, instead of realising and understanding after years of this application that I am harming my body by completely ignoring it while trying to mould it into a shape that I would deem acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my body whenever I would feel hungry, because I believed that by cutting my calorie intake dramatically I will force my body to lose weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to force my body into losing weight, and within that ignore what it is telling me.

I ask my body for forgiveness for working against it all these years and trying to force it into a shape that I, within my minds polarity constructs about normalcy and beauty, have conjured up to be acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that only having a slim body is acceptable, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never accept my body as my own due to perceiving that only a slim body is acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel remorse about having worked against my body in complete separation of it in order to mould it into a shape that I have defined as acceptable, instead of realising and understanding that crying about time that I have lost in the past by working against my body is not going to have any practically useful outcome, and I am just wasting time with this remorse.

I ask my body for forgiveness for starving it within my minds desire to be thin, slim and have a body of a shape that I deemed acceptable and normal.

I ask my body for forgiveness for using chemicals with the starting point of wanting to lose weight, with which I substituted the nourishment and nutrients that my body needed from food.

I ask my body for forgiveness for separating myself from it in the moment when I accepted the belief that there is apparently something wrong with my body because it is fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my body by starting to believe that there is something wrong with my body because I saw/perceived it as fatter than the bodies of my female friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my body by starting to hate it, when I was being teased by my peers for being fat.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start working against my body by starving and trying to shape and mould it into something that would not cause my peers to tease me and call me names for being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become reluctant to go and be outside with my peers because I was afraid all the time of being teased about being fat, and I would rather stay inside and entertain myself with tv, books and comics, while trying to figure out a way to mould and shape my body into a form that would be perceived as acceptable, that I would not be teased about, and could spend time with my peers outside in comfortable self-expression without being teased.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel cheated out of the experience of being comfortable with myself and having relaxed self-expression in the company of my peers due to being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when in company of other people, constantly and continuously be afraid and worry about people teasing me about being fat, and what they are going to say about my body, and within this never feel relaxed and ok about myself.

When and as I see myself worrying and being afraid of what other people might say or think about my body, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct that I have built up a long time ago based on my past experiences with my peers teasing me about being fat, within which I define having a slim body as acceptable and having a fat body as unacceptable. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath, not allowing myself to participate within my mind's/society's perceptions and beliefs about what a body should look like.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all perceptions, beliefs, wants, needs, desires, mind constructs about what a body should look like, because I realise and  understand that a body's appearance is not important for its functions, and that the mind/society's construct on what bodies should look like is only an abusive limiting thought pattern with which we abuse ourselves and others by participating in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with sadness, frustration, anger and resentment, whenever I was/am being teased about being fat, and feel enraged because my influence on my body's weight is very limited and I cannot mould it into the shape that would stop people from teasing me for being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and react with hatred, anger, resentment, and a wish for revenge, whenever I see/perceive that people are teasing me about being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start believing that there is something really actually wrong with me for being fat, because people were teasing me for it, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start wishing/wanting/needing/desiring to change myself into a shape that will not be wrong and will prevent people from teasing me about being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a misanthrope and start hating people and hating humanity for perceiving me in a way that I do not perceive myself.

to be continued

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