Saturday, 22 September 2012

Day 36: I, Monster


The pattern of fighting with my partner: I want to be in control, I want to dictate what he does, and If he doesn't do it, I will bite his head off, I will destroy him into nothingness. I threaten and yell and hit around, and I threaten with knives. I threaten to kill him and myself, because I don't care what happens to me or this existence. It can all go to hell, as far as I am concerned, as long as I am considered as 'right', even if my claim is absolutely ridiculous and stupid.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by my desire to be in control and overpower my partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to excert and ensure my power over my partner by making him do things for me that I want him to do, and if he does them, then I have power over him, and if he doesn't, then I don't have power over him and I feel diminished and inferior, at which point I move into emotional manipulation again with feeling sorry for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to emotionally manipulate my partner with feeling sorry for myself, in order to sneakily get what I want anyway, because I didn't succeed in getting it by force.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I have the right to force my partner into decisions with yelling, screaming and threatening him.
I'm blaming my mother for this
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for me being a violent person, because she was a violent wife towards my father, instead of realising that I have accepted and allowed every program to exist within me, and I became what I hated about my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my mother for being a violent person towards my father and for diminishing his worth as a man.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define my father as a poor thing and unable to do anything about my crazy mother, and within that see him as inferior to her and powerless against her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my mother that all men are bad and that I should hate them all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly and openly hate all men and want to overpower and win over them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as hatred towards men that stems from my hatred towards my father and my perception that he never accepted me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my father never accepted me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the desire to be accepted by my father as an equal being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and less than, because I perceived that my father never accepted me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/Perceive that all men are like my father, and that I have to have the same masculine communication with all men, instead of realising that all men are different and I have ruined most (or all) of my relationships because I have judged all men to be the same as my father
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my childhood innocence perceive and define all men as my dad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see all men as my dad and equate all other men that I have seen with and as my dad
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become violent and want to physically beat men, when they do not agree with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take revenge on all men for what I perceived my father did to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is ok to want to take revenge on all men for what one man has 'done to me'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to destroy all men and 'break their spirit', because I feel inadequate and inferior towards them because of my relationship with my father.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that fighting is normal in a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to accept violence in relationships as something normal in life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that if I don't become violent towards my partner, I will be overpowered by him like I was always overpowered by my father.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as overpowered by my father within our communication.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump at my partner and want to overpower him physically, whenever we do not agree on something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is wrong for a man to hit a woman, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exploit this societal belief and attack my partners physically, because 'they won't hit me back anyway, they can't'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed and embarrassed of attacing my partners physically.
I realise and understand that it is unacceptable to physically attack another being, because I would not want to be physically attacked myself.
When and as I see myself becoming violent and agressive, I stop and I breathe. I do not allow myself to play my agression out, instead I release the trigger point with self forgiveness and I direct myself in breath.
When and as I see myself wanting to fight with my partner and blame my partner for anything, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that blaming other people is me not wanting to take absolute self responsibility, therefore I release the point of blame with self forgiveness and I direct myself in breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to threaten my partner that I will kill him.
My father used to throw that word aroud like it was a toy. "I will kill you, I will destroy you, I will make you piss blood, I will anihilate you."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to threaten other people that I will kill them, if they do not conform to my wishes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is normal and ok to threaten other people with killing them, instead of realising that this is a pattern that emerges from my childhood, when my friends used to say that all the time, and is in no way acceptable
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to and scared of my friends, when they were threatening to kill me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to threaten people that I will kill them, so that they would feel inferior and scared of me, instead of realising that I would not want other people to do this to myself, therefore it is unacceptable to threaten people to kill them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become full of rage, whenever people/my partner do not agree with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as rage, whenever I cannot come to a point of agreement with someone.
When and as I see rage coming up within me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that rage is simply a program that makes me unable to communicate effectively with others, therefore I release it with self forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to threaten my partner that I will stab him with a knife, if he doesn't comply with what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be prepared to physically fight my partner for real, instead of realising that this pattern comes from me feeling inferior to my friends, when they were hitting me, and I wanted to inflict this on someone else as well, who is considered 'wrong', therefore I would always see my partner as 'being wrong', so that I could inflict on him what was inflicted on me so many years ago.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and scared of my friends, because they were hitting me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my friends for hitting me, instead of realising that they were programmed by hostile families as well.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the desire for revenge towards my friends for hitting me, which later transformed into the desire for revenge towards my partner, because I perceived him as 'a friend', and I believed that friends hit each other.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive friendship as something dangerous, because friends will want to hit me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is normal for friends to hit each other.
I had a friend who didn't come from a violent family, and she never wanted to hit me. When I said to her that I will hit her, because I thought that she would not retaliate, I was utterly scared and surprised when she said that she would hit me back, therefore I never tried to hit her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pray on people whom I perceived as weaker than me to hit them and get back at them for what was done to me by completely different people.
I perceived the outer world as a unit, and myself as another unit, therefore whatever came from the world - I would give back into the world, but within this I always made other people (especially my partners) pay for what was done onto me by my parents and friends.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my violence out on my partners, instead of realising that I am angry at my friends and parents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for not standing up for myself to my parents and my friends, when they were being violent towards me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for not taking me into consideration when he made his choices, instead of realising that I am being jealous because I perceive that he has taken care of only his ass and went somewhere, where he will have fun without any care about what is going to happen to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become angry with my partner and blame him, whenever I perceive that he is not taking me into consideration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel alone in this world without a partner, instead of realising that I want a partner so that I would not have to face myself in absolute self responsibility.
When and as I see myself longing for a partner, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that wanting a partner and longing for a partner is an abdication of absolute self responsibility, therefore I release the point with self forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner has forsaken me in order to have fun himself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to my partner, because I perceive that he has only taken care of his own ass and not considered me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/define/perceive my partner as selfish, whenever I perceive that he doesn't take me into consideration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner should always take me into consideration and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to my partner, whenever I perceive that he doesn't take me into consideration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and violent, whenever I perceive that people are not taking me into consideration.
When and as I see myself wanting people/my partner to take me into consideration, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that wanting to be considered is a mechanism of inferiority and superiority, therefore I release the point of want with self forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for walking this point in self-honesty.

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