Tuesday, 11 September 2012

Day 34: Looking for "something better"

I've been realising lately how all of my existence was centered around 'looking for something better', especially considering partners. Previously in my life, when the excitement of hormones and the 'newness' of my relationship cooled down, I started looking for 'something better' and 'something new and more exciting'. While doing all this, I kept my partner close and emotionally dependent on me, just in case 'something better' didn't come my way. But it did. It was new, fresh and better in terms of my interests and social references. I had a short, wild fling, and I didn't tell my partner about it, until I would be absolutely sure that I could have a more substantial relationship with this guy, but that didn't happen, because he was also looking for something better, and he found it. But she was also looking for something better, and she found it. And so on, I am sure. I knew fully well what was going to happen, I could see it happening, but I kept myself deluded with hope that something might change, and my fears wouldn't manifest, lol. Back then I did not know about the mathematical certainty of the future being the same as the past, although I did notice that my life experience keeps repeating itself as a certain pattern. I did, however, to some extent realise the futility of hoping, therefore I still kept my partner close and around as a 'reserve', and simply lied to him that nothing is going on in my life except what I "honestly tell him". He kept coming back, which gave me reassurance that he will always be there in case I don't get something better, and I kept looking for something more, until he eventually decided to move on with his life and stop hoping for me to change back to what I was for him while being with him.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow bored with my partner and succumb to my energetic need for 'new' and 'more exciting and validating partners'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look and seek out men for potential partners, with which I could validate myself and prove myself to my friends.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have a partner who will make me look cool in front of my friends.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have a partner who is perceived by others as attractive in order to validate myself with jealous sighs from my female friends.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to my partner and not be honest with him in terms of what is going on in my life, so that I would my survival within the system by keeping him close, just in case I don't get anything 'better'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed and ashamed of having manipulated men emotionally in order for me to assure my own survival within the system, and to not have to take absolute self-responsibility.
When and as I see myself wanting to go into fear of survival and therefore want to manipulate a man emotionally, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is my fear of 'survival in the future' playing itself out in my mind, therefore I do not allow myself to play it out, instead I release the trigger point of this relationship construct and direct myself in breath.
I commit myself to stop all emotional manipulation of men in order to ensure my own survival (as ego), and expose how it is all connected to money within myself and my world.
To be continued.

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