Day 155: Professors

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of professors, and never question their "authority", because I was afraid of being on their bad side due to not wanting to have bad grades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to professors within my perception that they are more knowledgeable, experienced and older than me. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to challenge professors and prove to them that I am smart in order to balance out the feeling of inferiority towards them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to get acknowledgement from my professors as being a smart kid, because I felt inferior due to my grades not always being excellent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my professors, whenever I got a bad grade, instead of realising and understanding that I am hating them so that I wouldn't have to take responsibility for not having done enough work/studying in order to get a better grade.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be an excellent student in order to feel superior and more than others, and so that I could brag about this and so that other people would perceive me as "special" and "better" than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to get good grades, because I believed/perceived that good grades will "open all doors for me in life".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for not having excellent grades and feel like I am failing myself, my parents and everyone's expectations because I didn't have good grades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have good grades in school in order for my parents to be able to be proud of me, not realising and understanding that I was valuing myself according to my perception of what my parents and professors thought of me, thus separating myself from myself with the desire to be highly valued by my parents and professors.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to prove myself to my professors as a smart kid in order for them to consider giving me a higher grade whenever I was being tested.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my professors know everything better than me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed and superior to my professors, whenever I found out that this is not so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ridicule professors by gossiping about them with my schoolmates, friends and family, instead of realising and understanding that I am doing that in order to balance out the inferiority and the feeling of powerlessness that I felt towards them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive/feel like my professors hold my future in their hands, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless against professors and feel like I am left to their mercy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adjust my behaviour in my professors presence in a such a way to get a positive response from them, in order to manipulate them into being merciful and nice to me in terms of grades, so that I wouldn't have to study so hard, but could get a good grade just because they would like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my professors for my own academic failures and label them as bad professors or boring professors, instead of realising and understanding that with doing this I was abdicating my self-responsibility for academic success due to being lazy and not actively studying.

Day 154: "Help" and "assistance" in realtionships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be able to help my partner, whenever I see/perceive that he is struggling with something, instead of realising and understanding that I am wanting this due to wanting him to like me, so that I would get reciprocated the same way, when I perceive to be struggling with something myself, not realising and understanding that I am with this abdicating my self-responsibility towards solving my own problems and dealing with my own difficulties, and I am wanting to hide in a relationship from my problems and difficulties, because I perceive that it is easier to deal with problems and difficulties together with a relationship partner. 

When and as I see myself wanting to support and assist my partner, because I feel sorry for him or want him to like me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am doing this from a starting point of someday wanting to get the same treatment back, which is manipulation, in order to not have to stand absolutely self-responsible in dealing with my own problems and difficulties. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath by assessing the situation with common sense in terms of what is best for all, and act accordingly.

I commit myself to stopping and removing my need/want/desire to 'help' my partner in matters where my help really isn't needed, because I realise and understand that I am simply doing this so that I could 'strengthen' our relationship and ask for support and assistance whenever I don't feel or want to deal with my own shit myself and want to abdicate my self-responsibility towards my own existence onto my partner.

Day 153: "Trust" and "intimacy" in relationships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have trust within my relationships, to want/need/desire to have a partner that I could 'trust', instead of realising and understanding that the 'trust' that I am seeking is a systematized manifestation of separation, where I will want my partner to keep my secrets, opinions and beliefs which I define myself with within and as the mind, not realising and understanding that within this desire for 'trust' I am actually compromising myself, my partner, and separating myself and both of us from all that is here by wanting to keep secrets that 'bind' us together. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive trust as an action of intimacy, within which I can 'trust' my partner with knowledge and information of myself as mind as definitions and perceptions with which I define myself, instead of realising and understanding that I am manifesting quite the opposite of the intended by separating myself into more dimensions of self-definition that I want to hide from certain people, and share with others, not realising and understanding that with this I am creating even more separation within myself and my outer world.

When and as I see myself wanting to share knowledge and information with another as/within 'trust', perceiving it to be an act of intimacy, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment searching for my self-intimacy through another/externalised point, thus moving even farther away from myself than I already was. I realise and understand that the word intimacy means Into me I see, therefore I release the trigger point of looking for intimacy outside of myself with self-forgiveness and direct myself in self-responsibility and self-intimacy towards what is best for me in a given situation within the context of what is best for all.


I commit myself to stopping and removing the energetic definitions and perceptions of trust as intimacy from 
myself, because I realise and understand that by searching for trust and intimacy in another, I am looking for myself, but moving further away from myself by participating within 'trust' and 'intimacy' with another instead of myself.

Day 152: Comfortableness, safety and stability within relationships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search and look to be in a relationship in order to have the comfortableness that I have come to define relationships to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive relationships as carriers of comfortableness and safety, instead of realising and understanding that by doing so, I am separating myself from comfortableness and safety.


When and as I see myself fearing not having comfortableness and safety in the future in terms of not being in a relationship, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I will perceive that I can only have comfortableness and safety within a relationship, and on the flip side I will think/believe/perceive that I am not able to be comfortable and safe, if I am not in a partnership. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself towards being my own comfortableness and safety within the context of what is best for all.


I commit myself to stopping and removing all ties and desires/wants/needs within which I make my partner responsible for my comfortableness and safety, because I realise and understand that I am abdicating my self-responsibility and separating myself from it by desiring my partner to give me stability, comfort and safety.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have a partner, whom I perceive will give me stability, instead of realising and understanding that within this I am abdicating my self-responsibility towards stability and separating myself from stability by wanting another to give it to me.


When and as I see myself desiring/wanting/needing stability, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind construct, where I will separate myself from stability by searching for it in another, instead of me being my own point of stability. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting stability with self-forgiveness and stand as my own stability within the context of what is best for all.


I commit myself to stopping and removing any and all points, where I look for stability outside of myself and thus separate myself from stability, because I realise and understand that by looking for stability outside of myself, I am abdicating my self-responsibility towards keeping myself grounded and stable.

Day 151: Every single human being is absolutely mad

Yesterday a friend came over to visit. In the past year his mental state deteriorated a lot, and during the visit I was witnessing a complete mind possession. He completely allowed his thoughts to take control of him, despite having all the knowledge and tools to not allow it. This possession has escalated to a point, where he talks to himself and gestures a lot, hardly recognizing or acknowledging anyone in his vicinity. I was absolutely amazed to see this. His thoughts took over so much, that it has screwed up his physical wiring. He actually needs to be medicated in order to regain some control over his body. The sad part is that no one in his surroundings seems to be recognizing this.

At some point I suggested to his friend (I'll name him Friend2 for the purpose of differentiation), who came with him, that we should take him to the hospital and show him to the doctors in this state. But Friend2 chickened out, because he's afraid of Friend1's parents. But Friend1's parents don't seem to be recognizing that Friend1 needs help, because they're afraid of some kind of stigma. So he's left completely on his own, a broken unit that all the other units seem to be ignoring, me included. See, I didn't push the point of helping him, because I was afraid of making Friend2 too uncomfortable if I did. Therefore we said our goodbyes, and as they left, I walked from the front door to my room. I was incredibly angry at myself for not helping, so I said "Fuck" out loud and made an angry gesture towards myself. In that moment I stopped, completely flabbergasted with what I just did. I did the absolutely same thing that "crazy" Friend1 was doing while visiting, only on a much smaller scale. I also talked to myself and gestured. By those standards I am also "crazy". Every human is, in fact. We do not have control over our thoughts, we mostly do not know where they originate from and we all talk to them. Ourselves. Because inside we are separated into a myriad of thoughts, each and every single of which is us, and yet isn't. Crazy, huh?

I realised a bit more the importance of doing Process, of deprogramming and removing thoughts with Self-Forgiveness, of Amalgamating with Self until all that is left is Me Here in Understanding and Breath, Directing Myself as Life as What is Best for All Life.

Stop the craziness. www.lite.desteniiprocess.com

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop myself from helping someone, when and as I see that they need help, just because I am afraid that it might inconvenience me or someone else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of helping another human being, because then people might see me as weird, instead of realising that it is absolutely crazy and demented to live in a world where helping people is seen as weird. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive people who want to help other people as weird and uncommon, instead of realising that with this exact belief I am fuelling the fucked-upedness of this world, where no one is ready to help a neighbour.

When and as I see myself allowing myself to not help someone, when I know exactly what needs to be done, and justifying it with any kind of thoughts, I stop and I breathe. I remove the dis-empowering thoughts with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in Breath towards what is Best for All.

I commit myself to stop being inactive, when I see that someone or something needs help or fixing and I have all the know-how to do it, because I realise and understand that I am one unit in this broken oneness, and I need to take responsibility to fix another unit if it is broken, because I myself would like to be fixed if I was broken.

Day 150: Manipulating with Good Memories

This is a continuation to the blog Day 148: Manipulating people with Bad Memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and other people with memories of experiences that I perceive/define to be good/positive, in order to make myself and others feel good in retrospection and/or to neutralise possible bad feelings that I notice accumulating within myself and others. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use memories of experiences that I define/perceive as good/positive in order to make myself superior to other people for having such memories and making them envious and jealous (to neutralize the feeling of inferiority that I might be experiencing in their presence).

When and as I see myself wanting to bring up memories of 'good/positive' experiences, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity "bonding" construct, where I will either try to "come closer" to someone or manipulate myself and others into feeling better in a moment of feeling bad, or I will try to make someone jealous and envious of me, so that I could feel superior to them. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to manipulate with good memories with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for all.

I commit myself to stopping and removing my behaviour of manipulating myself and others with good/positive memories, because I realise and understand that by doing so, I am participating and perpetuating past dimensions in my own head and the heads of others, thus causing myself and others to separate from All that is Here into an imaginary mind dimension of a moment that doesn't exist any more.

Day 149: How Humanity keeps being perpetually Fucked Up

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1353071/Christian-parents-shunned-medicine-prayer-son-died-spared-prison.html

A fundamentalist Christian couple who prayed instead of calling a doctor while their two-year-old son was left to die of pneumonia have been spared jail.

Herbert and Catherine Schaible told homicide detectives: ‘We tried to fight the devil, but in the end the devil won’ after Kent Schaible was found dead.

The parents are members of the controversial First Century Gospel Church which tells members it is a sin to use medicine.

Are we really this stupid? Yes, sadly we are. We live in a world, where the 'right to life' and 'pursuit of happiness' are mostly decided by the parents, no matter how fucked up those parents might be. And most parents are fucked up, uneducated results of a system, where all Life is not supported by default, but one must have children in order to take care of one in the final days of old age.

The 'right' to "bring up my child whatever way I damn please" is sacred in this fucked up society, and usually only challenged by the powers that be when it is already too late, like in this case.

Being a parent is THE MOST difficult and responsible work, yet we have no rules, regulations or any form of control over who is capable of doing this work. And children, when they actually get a chance to grow up, like these two poor babies didn't (check the link), grow up to be just as fucked up as the parents. Or even more so, seeing how the average parent in this day and age is too busy making money and taking care of survival, to even teach their child that the Sun is in fact a star. Children up until the age of 14, when the most crucial part of a human's development occurs, are left to themselves and a uniformed, impersonal and abusive schooling system that treats everyone the same, regardless of one's individual needs, talents or drawbacks. Children are taught to compare and compete, and consequentially cheat, therefore they grow up into cheating lying individuals, some of who will stop at nothing to be able to be the winner within the comparison and competition of life.

And that's one of the reasons we have a fucked up society of highly selfish individuals that destroy the planet in the pursuit of personal 'happiness'. It's funny that we've evolved into such a highly technologically advanced civilisation, yet during all years of evolution it hasn't occurred to us to implement a system that would take care of and support every single individual from birth to death, therefore everyone has to step on each other's toes and kick each other's teeth in to survive. That is why now we're highly technologically slowly killing ourselves and destroying the planet. But do we stop? No, because "my happiness is more important than the planet". And then we bring children into this planet that we're destroying. Fucked up, eh?

Changing the world means changing the individual. But the individual can only change oneself, no one else can do it for one.

To change self into a responsible being, visit www.lite.desteniiprocess.com and www.desteni.org

and support the solution of Equal Money that will globally take care of each individual from birth to death and allow them to develop to their utmost potential.

Or do not have children, because they most certainly will have no real future as we approach the endgame times of capitalism.