Day 194: Feeling uneasy in crowds

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel self-conscious and insecure about myself, my appearance and my behaviour in crowds of people. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start hating crowds, because I perceived that I am being judged by a large number of people at the same time, instead of realising that I am the one judging myself, and I multiply and increase that self-judgment in a large crowd of people, thus feeling way more uneasy and self-conscious than normally, and instead of realising and understanding that I am fearing being done to what I have been doing myself, therefore
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at people in crowds and judge them individually based on their appearance and behaviour in order to make myself feel superior and good about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with friends and other people in talking shit about random people in crowds in order to get a sense of belonging with the people I'm talking with, instead of realising and understanding that with this behaviour I am supporting abuse and inequality, I am doing onto another what I wouldn't want to have done onto me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my fear of being talked shit about, being gossiped about and being addressed with harsh and hurtful words in crowds behind anger and hatred of crowds, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to avoid crowds, especially when I am feeling self-conscious about my appearance. I also forgive myself for accepting and allowing to feel good in crowds and proud of myself and my appearance, whenever I perceive that my appearance is good, satisfactory, that I am pretty, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'like' crowds from the perspective of being admired by males and envied by females for my appearance (note: I've already written on this last point extensively, just not within the context of crowds, which is the focus of this blog)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to counter my fear of being judged in crowds with hostile thoughts and behaviour towards people in them and humanity in general, and label and judge them as sheeple in order to make myself feel superior to the people in crowds to counter my feeling of inferiority in them.

When and as I see myself becoming nervous and anxious in crowds, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am fearing being judged by others as I have judged others myself in crowds, therefore I apply this realisation, I remove the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath, not allowing myself to judge other and myself, but stay here in breath in equality with all that is here.

When and as I see myself wanting to judge people in a crowd or the crowd in general as sheeple, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am trying to make myself feel superior in order to compensate for the feeling of inferiority that comes up in me, therefore I release the trigger point of inferiority and following thought pattern with self-forgiveness, and I direct myself in breath, not allowing myself to judge anyone as well as myself, but stay here in breath in equality with all that is here.

I commit myself to stopping and removing my anxiety towards crowds, because I realise and understand that it is stemming from my fear of being judged as I have judged others in crowds in the past.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all of my trigger points and thought patterns that lead me to judge people in crowds, such as wanting to belong with the people that I am judging/gossiping with, and feelings of inferiority due to comparison and competition, thus I commit myself to stopping and removing all of my thoughts of comparison and competition with people in crowds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must compare, compete and win over people in crowds in terms of appearance, behaviour and popularity.

When and as I see myself comparing myself to people in crowds, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within an automated mind-pattern of superiority and inferiority, with which I feed energy to my mind as ego for it to survive, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern of comparison and consequential competition and desire to win, and I direct myself in breath in equality with all that is here.

I commit myself to stopping comparing, competing and desiring to win in crowds in terms of appearance, behaviour and popularity, because I realise and understand that with this behaviour I am simply feeding my mind energy for it to survive as ego instead of being here in breath in with myself in equality with all that is here.