Tuesday, 30 April 2013
Day 146: Fear of Death
Yesterday I got this Eqafe gift https://eqafe.com/p/heart-attack-death-research-part-1, I also got part two.
It freaked me out, because I usually get gifts form the farm, and usually they deal with a relevant point that I'm walking in that moment. I also got a few random gifts, but this wasn't one of them, because I do occasionally feel a slight stab in the heart area, but until now I would always kind of brush it off and think it away, with backchat such as: "Nah, it's nothing, I'm sure I'll be fine" or "I'm too young to die". After receiving the gift and listening to it, I started being more alert to the pain, and I'd panic a little every time I felt it. I had, up until now, completely forgotten that my grandmother, of whom I've inherited most of my genetic make-up, died from a heart attack around the age of 60.
First I was a little pissed, as in "If someone on the farm knows something more about me than I do, then tell it to my face, so I can prepare", and I wrote there to ask, who got me the gift, but it was gifted anonymously, so they couldn't give me that information. I also know that it's completely irrelevant who got me the gift; the point is here and I need to face it in absolute self-responsibility.
I went to the movie theatre today, and I felt a stab during the film. Fear of death overcame me (which is funny - it came, because I hadn't written out this particular fear yet. I'm not afraid of dying in a car accident, for instance, because I've written on it, and I had already been in a dangerous situation on the road, in which I noticed that I wasn't afraid for my life). So I did the self-forgiveness, and after releasing the fear, I got curious about how it is on the other side. I also forgave those thoughts. But I was still worried a bit, and when my partner and I were walking home, and he was talking about the film, all I could think of was that I have a heart problem and that I need to go to a doctor for tests and write out the mindfucks about it. I told him about what I was going through, and he laughed. I felt incredibly insulted and was angry at him for it, although at the same time I knew that I was being silly. I wanted his 'understanding' and 'caring', instead I got laughter, and my mind didn't like that, not one bit. I was like "How dare you laugh at my fears", and he was like "That's exactly what you're supposed to do". He was right, of course. I had thoughts like "I'm not ready to die yet, I haven't dome anything substantial with my life yet, I'm afraid that I'll have regrets if I die now". Yes, I was actually considering that I was going to die pretty soon. I did some self-forgiveness while walking, and my fears and anger stopped. And now for the nitty-gritties.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself for "having a heart problem", without even having confirmed that I have one, instead of realising and understanding that I am looking for other people's pity and slack, because "sick people get benefits and treated kinder and with more attention".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that if/when I am sick with any kind of physical condition, that I have the right to people being nicer to me and kinder and give me more attention. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be kinder and nicer to people, whenever I see/perceive that they have health problems, because I think/believe/perceive that they are afraid for their life and/or because they are/might be enduring physical discomfort and pain.
When and as I see myself wanting to manipulate people into being nice and kind to me by sharing my physical ailments, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within abdication of my self-responsibility by wanting others to pamper me and 'take care of me' and treat me with more care and kindness and understanding, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself as an equal regardless of what my physical condition is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I haven't done anything substantial with my life yet, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be recognised by others (posthumously) that I have done something substantial in my life, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be remembered after I die, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I will want to feel superior by perceiving that I have left a legacy that will live on instead of me when I die, and I will feel inferior, because I perceive that I haven't created such a legacy yet, not realising and understanding that I am with this creating energy for my mind to survive as ego.
When and as I see myself thinking/believing /perceiving that I haven't done anything substantial with my life, and within that feeling inferior and afraid of dying, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is only my mind as ego that is afraid of being no more, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in the moment towards what is best for All.
I commit myself to stop believing and perceiving that I need to create a legacy that will live on after I die, because I realise and understand that this is only my mind's desire to live forever in people's memories as a mind of definitions, and I also realise and understand that death is inevitable and therefore it is ludicrous to fear it, because that is like fearing having to pee or poo - it's something that inevitably happens.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of having to stop existing in the form that I exist in now, instead of realising and understanding that I will inevitably stop existing as I exist now, therefore it is silly to cling onto my existence as it is now. I realise and understand that I cling onto my current existence because I have defined and built myself up in such a way, and is the only thing I know, and the fear of stopping existing as I do now is the fear of the unknown.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death because I do not know what happens afterwards, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from theword 'death' by fearing the unknown factor that comes after it.
When and as I see myself fearing death/the unknown and having to face it myself, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind construct, where I fear the unknown, because I fear not having control in the unknown, and on the flip side I am not afraid of the known, because I perceive that I know my limitations and can control the known to some extent. Therefore I release the trigger point of the fear with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath without fearing the unknown.
I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness stop and remove my fear of death/the unknown, because I realise and understand that I am fearing loosing myself as the mind of definitions and polarities, and I also realise and understand that death is a naturally occurring state of being, therefore it is unnecessary to fear it.
To be continued.