Monday, 22 April 2013

Day 142: Procrastination dimension/character - Fear of Failure

Incredible. I've written an introductory blog on procrastination, and then - I procrastinated for a whole week. I wrote some self-forgiveness statements in my own document where I do daily process as points come up, but I haven't put them in a blog. Now when I look back at it, I can see some more reasons as to why I am a procrastinator in the first place: I have an immense fear of failure. I started judging myself and wondering "how other people are going to understand what I'm writing" and whether my writings are good enough or relevant enough, and so instead of simply moving one point forward each day, I allowed myself to take seven steps back. Because it has already become painfully apparent to me that when one does not move forward in Process - one definitely moves backward.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a procrastinating personality, with which I would enable myself to put off my responsibilities off indefinitely and until the very last moment, which sometimes resulted in me not completing my responsibilities on time, and always resulted in me having to do correctional exams at the end of a year in highschool, instead of realising and understanding that I was absolutely abdicating my self-responsibility within developing this personality due to running away from reality and not wanting to deal with it, with which I compromised my well-being and stability within the system.
When and as I see myself wanting to put off a responsibility onto another time, because in that particular moment "I do not feel like it", and justify it to myself with backchat such as "I have enough time" and "fuck it, I don't care about myself enough to do this responsibility", I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that not completing my responsibilities in this system carries consequences that are not favorable to my existence, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself towards completing the task at hand without resistances.
I commit myself to stopping and removing my procrastinating personality, because I realise and understand that by allowing myself to become this procrastinating personality, I compromise myself, my well-being in the system by causing penalties that are developed for procrastination and I compromise my own standing within the system and myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my procrastination (with which I was only running away from my responsibilities, which I have come to define as a hassle) with backchat such as "when did the system do anything good for me" and "why should I do something for the system and for myself in the system, when I do not approve of it", instead of realising and understanding and acknowledging the consequences that I manifest for myself with such behaviour, which are always negative and unwanted.
When and as I see myself justifying to myself in backchat why I shouldn't do my responsibility immediately as it comes up, and put it off in order to "momentarily enjoy myself now and worry about responsibilities later", I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that with this backchat I am allowing myself to loop and waste time and manifest unwanted consequences as penalties and bad feelings/emotions for myself, therefore I release the trigger point of "wanting to feel good now and do my tiresome responsibilities later" with self-forgiveness and direct myself towards completing my responsibilities in breath without resistances. When I see resistances come up, I investigate them, release them with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards completing my responsibilities.
I commit myself to stopping and removing the backchat within myself with which I justify and excuse myself from doing my 'responsibilities' immediately and effectively, because I realise and understand that otherwise I will only waste time and manifest consequences that are detrimental to my existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to always "feel good" in this moment and therefore in this moment do things that I define/perceive to be pleasant, enjoyable and make me feel good, instead of realising that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I will focus on feeling positive and doing things that I define/perceive to be positive, and try to ignore the things that I define as negative, such as completing my responsibilities, not realising and understanding that by focusing on the positive and ignoring the negative, I am giving the negative free reign and manifesting consequences for myself in the negative that I have allowed to roam free without control, thus making myself a 'victim' to the consequences that I myself have manifested by ignoring the things that I have defined as negative.
When and as I see myself wanting to focus on the positive and good, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where i will try to manifest for myself as many 'positive' experiences as I can, and on the flip side i will try to ignore the 'negative' as much as I can, thus I put effort and energy into ignoring the negative, thus powering it from that side and manifesting it for myself in form of consequences that come around when I least expect them.
I commit myself to stop myself from focusing and wanting to experience only the good and the positive, because I realise and understand that within that I am ignoring the negative, thus powering it in unawareness and manifesting consequences of the negative for myself. Therefore I commit myself to remove all the definitions of positive and negative from within myself until all that is left is me directing me in breath as life for life, without the positive and negative definitions, which I have used as motivation to do things in this life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to motivate myself with promises of feeling good and positive and superior, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to motivate myself with fear of negativity and do my chores and responsibilities from the starting point of fearing the negative consequences if I do not complete my chores and responsibilities, instead of realising and understanding that by motivating myself with these polarities, I am participating within my mind's polarity construct in order to generate energy for it to survive as ego.
When and as I see myself motivating myself to do things/my responsibilities with promising myself to feel good afterwards and with fearing the negative consequences of me not completing my responsibilities and tasks, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I define doing the work/responsibilities/chores as negative, and completing the work/chores/responsibilities and the time afterwards when I do not have responsibilities as positive, therefore I power my mind as ego by creating friction (voice crack, I'm not sure that this is how it works, it's knowledge, not a realisation) between these two polarities. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern of motivating myself with promises of feeling good and fears of feeling bad in relation to my responsibilities with self-forgiveness and direct myself towards completing my responsibilities and daily chores as myself in breath without motivating energetic backchat.
I commit myself to stopping and removing the (need for) motivation to do things within the polarity of wanting to feel good and fearing feeling bad, because I realise and understand that by motivating myself within this polarity construct, I am powering my mind as ego and abusing and sacrificing my physical body for it, and abdicating my responsibility to direct myself in breath as life to an automated mind construct, which consumes my life essence/physical body in order to make decisions for me, instead of me directing my decisions towards what is best for myself as all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate with my duties/obligations/commitments within Process due to fear of failure. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of how other people will understand what I am writing, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for other people to be able to use and identify with my writings so that they would eventually start their own process of writing and self-forgiveness, instead of realising and understanding that within this I have been making other people my starting point for writing, and not myself, within which I separated myself from myself and all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my blogs/self-forgiveness statements are not going to be identifiable for other people, instead of realising that I am compromising myself by focusing on whether others are going to understand and relate to my writings, instead of my starting point being me removing my own points in order to gain clarity on my own points regardless of whether others understand them or not.

When and as I see myself thinking and having back chat about how other people are going to perceive my writings or anything else that I do, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that in that moment I am not being my own starting point, but am separating myself from myself within my desire to be assisting and supportive to other people, with which I would then validate myself in my mind. Therefore I stop, I breathe and I release the trigger point of my back chat with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath with myself being my own starting point for everything that I do.

I commit myself to stop doing things from the perspective of 'pleasing' or 'assisting' others, and I commit myself to do things with me being my own starting point, because I realise and understand that otherwise I am separating myself within by wanting to feed my ego with validation about how effective I am.

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