Thursday, 25 April 2013

Day 144: Frisbee mistakes

I've been playing with the frisbee lately. I have been noticing myself becoming very frustrated, whenever I would pass it in a way that was less than perfect, and my co-players would have to either run for it or walk away and get it, because I threw it in a crooked way. I feel like they have to pay for my mistakes, and then I feel guilty, and start being angry at myself for making the mistake and judging myself as incompetent. Therefore I start blaming myself for making them walk, and I let out a dissatisfied grunt that is both angry (towards myself) and apologetic (towards them). I used to say out loud that I am stupid, as if telling myself and others that I am stupid is somehow going to lighten the situation or change it in any way. Fortunately I have curbed this, but the dissatisfied grunt still comes out every single time - absolutely automatically. This is not limited to frisbee, of course, it is a pattern that repeats itself in any activity that I take part in with other people. I also do this when I do something myself, but with less loud grunts, although occasionally they do some out. If it's not a grunt, then it's a sigh, with which I show myself how disappointed I am at myself for 'failing' at something.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become disappointed and frustrated with myself, whenever I perceive that I made a mistake, and then judge myself as a failure and judge my miss-take as an action of failing and as something negative, instead of realising and understanding that within this I make myself inferior to myself and all that is here, thus separating myself from myself within, and participating within my mind's polarity construct, where on the flip side I will feel superior, whenever I perceive that I have done a task or activity 'right' and without miss-takes, and give it a positive connotation, thus creating friction and energy for my mind to exist as ego.

When and as I see myself becoming disappointed and frustrated with myself, whenever I perceive that I have made a mistake, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that in allowing further thoughts to manifest, I will start judging and perceiving myself as a failure, with which I am compromising my self-expression by judging it as inferior and incapable of doing something, thus will make myself reluctant and afraid to express myself in the same way in the future. Therefore I release the trigger point of disappointment and frustration, and direct my self-expression in breath without judging myself for my miss-takes.

I commit myself to stop and remove all self-judgement that I inflict upon myself, whenever I perceive that I have made a miss-take, because I realise and understand that in doing so, I am only giving myself an energetic boost of negative energy in order for my mind to survive as ego, and am not benefiting myself in any way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automate myself to let out a dissatisfied grunt, whenever I perceive that I have made a mistake in front of other people, and when I am alone with myself, as a form of apology to others for making the mistake and as a form of self-punishment for making the mistake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be openly angry at myself in front of others, whenever I perceive to have made a mistake, and show it with a dissatisfied grunt, so that other people would see that I am angry with myself, which I do from a fear of other people's anger towards me for making the perceived mistake, so I think/believe/perceive that it is still better if I am angry at myself first instead of having to endure other people's anger, so in essence I am being angry at myself so that other's wouldn't have to be, because I am less afraid of my own anger than of that of other people, because I do not have control over other people's anger, just my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that other people will judge me and ridicule me for making a mistake, instead of realising and understanding that I am afraid of this, because I judge and ridicule other people for making mistakes, which is a pattern that I have received and accepted from my parents, who judged me and ridiculed me for making a mistake, thus I started believing that all people behave this way, and therefore I started to behave this way as well, towards others as well as myself. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start judging and ridiculing myself, whenever I made a mistake, as a form of pre emptive strike, thinking/believing/perceiving that if I judge and ridicule myself out loud, that my parents would refrain from ridiculing and judging me, thus by judging and ridiculing myself I wanted to prevent my parents from judging and ridiculing me, because I always felt hurt and betrayed/abandoned and ashamed and embarrassed, when they would do it, especially in front of other people. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I have developed a self-destructive and self-humiliating mechanism, with which I compromised myself in my life, and so didn't allow myself to try anything new or anything that I wasn't already good at, so that I would prevent the possibility of me making mistakes and being ridiculed and judged by myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassment and shame and fear of what other people will say and think about me, whenever I perceive that I have made a mistake, and thus put myself in an inferior/negative position in my mind.

When and as I see myself judging and ridiculing myself for a perceived mistake, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's construct of doing this as a pre emptive strike, so that I would prevent others from judging and ridiculing me, in order to avoid feeling embarrassed and ashamed of myself in case they did so. Therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself without self-judgement and self-ridiculing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take other people's ridiculing and judging of my perceived mistakes personal, and think/believe/perceive that their judgements define me, and feel embarrassed and ashamed, whenever this happens, and therefore feel negative and inferior to those people, instead of realising and understanding that I myself am allowing this negativity to happen within me, and that if I do not allow myself to have these energetic responses, then their words cannot hurt me in any way. I can only hurt myself with their words.

When and as I see myself taking people's responses to my perceived mistakes personal and as a point to define myself with, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I will feel negative and inferior, whenever I perceive that people are judging me for my mistakes, and I will feel superior and positive, whenever I perceive that people are praising me for doing something good, thus within this construct I am actually defining myself with the opinions of others, thus I am not my own starting point, but am existing as ego. Therefore I release the points of taking other people's opinions personal, and I direct myself in breath by being my own starting point and NOT by wanting/desiring positive response from others, and at the same time fearing negative response from others.

I commit myself to stop self-judgement and self-ridicule whenever I perceive that I made a mistake in order to stop others from criticizing me, and within this I commit myself to stop using other people's opinions of me as a point of self-definition, because I realise and understand that by allowing such behavioural patterns to exist within me, I am powering my mind as ego and not being my own starting point, but am giving my power away to the opinions and other programs of my surroundings.

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