Wednesday, 24 April 2013
Day 143: Waiting for things to happen instead of directing them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build myself up in such a way that I always wait for things to happen to me, instead of me directing the things to happen in my life. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become used to people telling me what to do to such an extent that I became more comfortable with following orders from my parents, other grown-ups, teachers and other perceived authorities in my life, instead of taking the initiative to direct things myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take initiative in my life, because I was afraid of my father's reaction to it.
My father was always angry with me, whenever I would take the initiative to do something, and he would yell at me for it and make fun of me as in 'who do I think I am, taking initiative'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to my father and scared of him, whenever he would yell at me for taking the initiative to do something instead of asking his advice/permission to do it. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to render myself inactive due to my fear of my father's response to my actions, and develop a waiting personality, within which I would wait for things to happen and for other people to do things for me first, and tell me what to do and then do them, instead of me directing myself to find out what to do and then doing them on my own.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my father's and my surrounding's critique for things that I would create to such an extent that I would rather flush my creations down the toilet rather than having to face my father's and my surrounding's opinion of my work. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with the critique and opinions of my father and my surroundings about my creations, instead of realising that within this I am separating myself from myself by wanting to have a positive response to my creations from my surroundings/father.
When and as I see myself fearing/wondering what my surrounding's feedback on my creations would be, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind construct, where I will want to validate myself with feedback about my creations from my surroundings, thus separating myself from myself and me not being the starting point of my own self-expression within creation, but rather creating from the starting point of wanting 'good feedback' from my surroundings, with which I could validate myself and feel superior and more than, thus powering my mind as ego. Therefore I release the trigger point of fearing/wondering/wantinggood feedback with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath without compromising my self-expression within my creations with wondering what other people would make of it.
I commit myself to stopping and removing all my fears that I have built up throughout my life regarding my creations and stopping and removing thoughts with which I render myself inactive instead of creating, because I realise and understand that by allowing these fears to exist within me, I am compromising myself in my self-expression and not allowing myself to be a creator as myself as the starting point.