Day 137: Battling others with knowledge

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to prove and validate myself with knowledge in communication with (a group of) people, because I perceive/believe that I lack qualities in other areas of my existence, such as my appearance and academic achievements, therefore I want to balance out the inferiority that I experience towards those areas of my existence with superiority through proving that I am smarter than everyone else. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with annoyance, frustration and wanting to overpower others, whenever I see/perceive that they are participating within the same point, when they talk to me or in a company of people, instead of realising and understanding that I am in that moment attacking myself, because I'm attacking a pattern that is existent within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that the older I am, the smarter I am and the more knowledge I have, thus my worth is greater, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I will make myself feel superior about my age and knowledge in order to compensate for the inferiority that I generate towards myself in other areas of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into 'battle mode', whenever I see/perceive that someone is trying to be a smartass, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my 'competing with knowledge' construct, which I have built up many years ago, when I started comparing and competing and feeling inferior towards my father, who was telling me that I will never be as smart as him. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to win every debate/discussion about and with knowledge, and thus make myself feel superior and more than people that I am having the conversation with, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's automated mode of operation that I have accepted and allowed to exist within me since childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to humiliate people by pointing out that their knowledge is flawed and inaccurate, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to beat and overpower with knowledge people that I react to with disliking them, instead of realising and understanding that I am doing onto another what has been done onto me by my father, who would tell me that I am stupid and that my statements are stupid, after which I would allow myself to feel bad about myself, and now I am trying to get other people to feel bad about themselves in the same way that has been effective on me.

When and as I see myself wanting to participate within a battle of knowledge and information with other people, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I will feel inferior and less than if I perceive that others are stronger in knowledge than myself and will therefore dislike them and want to overpower them, and I will feel superior and more than, when I perceive that I am stronger in knowledge and information than others, and will feel more than within the prospect of me overpowering them and beating them with knowledge. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to battle with knowledge with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath within the realisation that battling and overpowering others with knowledge is me creating artificial separation between us.

I commit myself to stop and remove all needs/wants/desires to prove myself with knowledge, because I realise and understand that by using intellectualism and education and knowledge and information I am the creator of dimensions of separation between me and others and all that is here, therefore I commit myself to stopping my own self-accepted creation of separation by wanting to battle people with knowledge.

Day 136: Fear of break ups

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that my partner will meet a new girl and that they will fall in love, and that he will break up with me, and that I will be left alone, feeling inferior, less than, negative, bad and beaten, instead of realising and understanding that I am the one that is generating these definitions and perceptions about being broken up with, and that whatever my partner might do or say has nothing to do with me. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in violent thoughts such as "I will kill him and do something bad to him if that happens", instead of realising and understanding that I am reacting to my own self-accepted inferiority in this potential situation with superiority as anger in an attempt to balance myself out within the mind polarity construct that I am participating in.

When and as I see myself becoming afraid that my partner might leave me for another girl or whatever other reason, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a self-validation mindconstruct, where I will generate constant fear of being broken up with and justify it with the belief that I am not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough and not young enough for my partner to like me, and I realise and understand that all of these thoughts I am generating within myself and then projecting onto my partner, therefore I release the trigger point of the fear of being left/broken up with with self-forgiveness, and direct myself in breath and not allow myself to participate within these self-destructive thought patterns any more.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all fear of being left/broken up with, because I realise and understand that a break up can only affect me, when I have allowed myself to define myself with my partner/partnership, therefore I commit myself to remove all definitions of myself with my partner and within partnerships, and stand as one and equal in breath with myself and all that is here, and not allowing myself to be dependent on another/my partner.

Day 135: Self-forgiveness on ending relationships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into jealousy, whenever I see and perceive that my partner has called another girl, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner is looking for a better partner than me, instead of realising and understanding that I am projecting onto him my own construct of looking for a better partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive it as unacceptable to leave my partner, if he is financially supporting me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obliged to a partner that is financially supporting me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive it as acceptable to leave a guy, when he is being violent and dismissive, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within fear of leaving a guy, even when they are violent or dismissive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify, perceive and define it as acceptable to leave a guy, when I am no longer capable of generating good feelings within myself around him, instead of realising and understanding that I am in that moment completely disregarding the other person as life and looking to satisfy my own energetic cravings for good feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction of anger, disappointment, resentment, sadness and frustration, whenever I see/perceive that my partner is resisting facing points, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire for my partner to be willing to face points in self-honesty so that I could rest assured that I can trust his application and his process, instead of realising and understanding that I am doing this, because I am afraid of him leaving me due to energies, and then I would have to feel inferior and less than and diminished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as inferior, less than, diminished and overpowered in the situation that my partner would leave me, instead of realising and understanding that I have built this definition/perception of myself in that situation because I would perceive myself as 'not good enough to stick around with'. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define people who got left behind by their partners as 'not good enough to stick around with', instead of realising that within this I am making them/myself unequal in my head.

Day 134: "Thin equals freedom"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as inferior, feel negative, less than and bad, whenever I see/perceive that my partner doesn't want to cuddle and touch me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately compare myself to thin women and think/believe/perceive that if there was a thin woman in my place, that my partner would be hugging her and cuddling with her, instead of realising and understanding that I am compromising myself in my own mind by comparing myself to theoretical thin women in my head and making myself feel inferior to them, because that is how I power my mind as ego by feeling inferior to thin women and wanting to feel superior thus wanting to be thin like thin women.

When and as I see myself thinking about how my partner would treat a thin woman, if she was in my place, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, in which I have gotten so used to comparing myself to thin women and feeling inferior to them, that I do not even notice it anymore. Within this construct I will generate friction through comparison with thin women and feeling inferior to them, and then I will think about how to achieve the goal of becoming thin in order to compensate for the feelings of inferiority with superiority about being thin.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all points of comparison with thin women in my head in relation to my partner, my partnerships, relationships and life in general, because I realise and understand that comparison to thin women is what powers my mind and generates energy as friction for my mind to exist as ego within the constant and continuous flow of thoughts from the negative, where I will hate myself in comparison to thin women for being fat and envying the freedom that I perceive thin women have, to the positive, where I will promise myself to loose the weight and gain the freedom that I perceive thin women to be having within their relationships with men and their surroundings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate being thin with having freedom, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am less free to do what I want, because I am fat, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy and feel jealous of thin women, because I perceive that they have more freedom than me to exist and coexist with their surroundings than me, instead of realising and understanding that I have built up my own perception of not being free due to being fat in my head as a mind construct, within which I participate in order to power my mind as ego.

When and as I see myself longing for or being jealous and envious of thin women due to perceiving that they have more freedom than me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I have defined thin women to be more free and fat women to be less free in their self-expression, therefore I remove the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for all without perceiving myself as less free due to being fat.

I commit myself to stop and remove all my self-accepted limitations of definitions and perceptions that I have built up in my mind due to being fat, because I realise and understand that I have built up all my personalities with this undercurrent, and that they are controlling every aspect of my life and self-expression.

Day 133: "I'm a freak"

Yesterday I remembered how I always perceived myself as a freak and out of place, always and everywhere, simply for being fat. In my pre-teens I thought that due to being so different physically, my life and behaviour and relationships will also be totally different.
Then through puberty I kind of tried blending in and persuading myself that I am a 'normal person', although I am fat. I was falling in love with the same pretty guys as thin girls, and I wished I could enjoy girlie stuff like playing with clothes, and later manipulating and seducing with clothes, but perceived myself as unable to, due to being fat.
So the process of programming my mind about this stuff went from first creating self-judgement about being abnormal by referencing my surroundings and especially the (anti)social media, then suppressing it and layering a 'trying to blend in and be normal' pattern over it. It never worked, of course, because I was physically different to my references to start with, therefore I grew angrier and angrier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as an abnormal person due to being fat, as a freak that no one could and/or would ever love, and then I allowed this perception to grow into a fear out of the desire to be normal and be loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that other people are seeing/perceiving/defining me as a freak and abnormal person, because I was the one that labelled myself as such, and would then project this onto other people in my surroundings. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that no one will ever love me and that no one could ever love me, instead of realising and understanding that this fear is coming from my own relationship with myself, where I didn't love myself but in fact hated myself for being fat and labelled myself as a freak for it.

When and as I see myself perceiving myself as an abnormal person and a freak for being fat, and when I see myself thinking that other people are seeing/perceiving me as an abnormal person and a freak for being fat, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am projecting onto myself through myself or other people self-hatred, which I allowed to fester within me for being fat, not realising and understanding that I can stop and change this experience of myself in breath. Therefore I release the trigger point of perceiving myself as abnormal and a freak with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath within equality with myself without self-judgement and self-deprecation.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my self-hatred and my own labelling of myself as a freak onto my partner, where I would then think/believe/perceive and be afraid of my partner seeing me the way I see myself (as a freak), and would then lash out at him, and demand, tacitly and covertly through blackmailing him that I will leave or violently burst out and break something, for him to show me his appreciation and love, so that I could at least have that from him, because I perceived that I was unable to give this to myself.

When and as I see myself looking for and demanding of my partner to show me love and appreciation, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's construct of self-hatred and self-deprecation, where I hate myself very much, and want to counter it by having my partner show me his appreciation and love so that I wouldn't feel like I am not worthy of those, which is how I felt about myself inside. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting my partner to show me appreciation and love with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath within respecting/regarding/considering myself as an equal to all human beings and without self-hatred and self-deprecation. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I could never ever love myself and respect myself and genuinely care for myself because I was fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to succumb to feelings of sadness (which I would then transform into anger as to not perceive myself as weak), which I created and generated from the thoughts that "I am fat and therefore no one could ever like me and love me", instead of realising that I myself am the creator of my own experience and that I do not have to allow such thoughts to exist within me.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within myself and then periodically generate feelings of inadequacy within comparison with pictures of thin women, from which I would power my self-hatred and be sad, angry and bewildered as to why I cannot lose weight and why I have to be fat and not have what I perceived to be a normal life.


When and as I see myself generating within myself the feeling of inadequacy through comparison with thin women in terms of how males perceive me and them, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's ego polarity construct in order to keep my ego going within self-judgement and the polarity of wanting to be superior and feeling inferior to other/thin women, with which I generate energy for my mind to survive as ego and am not regarding myself as life in breath. Therefore I immediately stop and remove the trigger point of generating inadequacy about myself within myself with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath within consideration of me as life, not a picture with which I compare and compete with other women for the attention and love of males, because I realise and understand that this is an ego program, an energetic program within which I only exist as energy that needs to win and will also generate energy through feeling as a looser, instead of being here as myself as breath.

Day 132: The constant search for a perfect partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, annoyance, resentment, frustration and a general feeling of unfairness, whenever I see/perceive my partner looking at another woman, and to allow fear to come up within me that he is comparing me to that woman and that he is not satisfied with my appearance, and therefore he looks at others, instead of realising that I am comparing and judging myself through this perception and also projecting onto him a point that is existent within me, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my partner to other men that I look at, and consider those other men that I have looked at as potential partners in my mind, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind construct, in which I will scan and asses all men that I meet as potential partners and grade them and rate them in my mind from not being interested in them to being very interested in them according to their physical appearance and mind programming in terms of it matching my own mind programming and their financial situation in terms of them being able to support and take care of me financially.

When and as I see myself participating within the mind construct of checking other men and assessing them as potential partners in my mind, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within an automated thought pattern of looking for a partner, within which I believe and perceive that I must always be on the lookout for a better partner, one that would 'complete' me in terms of being everything I want my partner to be, thus looking to find a partner to build what I have defined and perceived to be a perfect relationship, which I know and realise does not exist outside of my mind. Therefore I release the trigger point of participation within this construct with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath and perceive men as my equals and not as potential partners.

I commit myself to stop and remove all automated relationship constructs from within myself, because I realise and understand that within those relationship constructs I am ultimately abdicating my self-responsibility through trying to achieve being in a perfect relationship as I have defined it, within which I can run and hide from myself and my self-responsibility.

Day 131: Mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mother, because I perceive that she hasn't taken good care of me, and that she has been taking advantage of me in order to boost her own ego at my expense, by sharing my personal information that I was sensitive to, with her friends and other people, instead of realising and understanding that I was being insulted, because I wasn't ok with who and what I am, and I was terribly concerned with what other people think of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I must have control over my mother's actions and thoughts, because I was afraid that if I didn't control what she is doing and saying, that she would somehow hurt my reputation by gossiping about me, and that she would do something irresponsible that would affect me in the end. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate and powerless, because my mother wasn't around for me to control her words and actions, instead of realising and understanding that what my mother says and does does not reflect me in any way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mother, because she allowed her friend to drive her car, which was promised to me, and then her friend smashed it, and my mother is paying it off till this very day, instead of realising and understanding that I am actually reacting in jealousy, because I perceived that my mother would rather make her friends happy and content instead of her children, because her children couldn't just walk away from her if they had a 'bad' opinion of her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my mother as a weakling for needing other people to validate her all the time, instead of realising and understanding that within this I am judging myself as such, because I was also looking for attention and validation from my friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to control my mother's life, in order to ensure her being a good mother, a perfect TV mom that I could feel safe and secure with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to control my own life through controlling my mother, instead of simply controlling my own life directly without making my mother and other people responsible for the way my life is/was.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to refuse to help my mother with her financial problems, in order to spite her and punish her for what I perceive to have been her indiscretions towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, whenever I remember and talk about my mother's past actions and choices, instead of realising that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I am being superior to my mother through anger in order to compensate for the feeling of inferiority and helplessness and hopelessness that I have experienced in the past in relation to my mother's actions and words and behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to see my mother realise what I perceive to be her bad behaviour in the past, instead of realising and understanding that I want this, because I feel hurt by her past actions and now I want retribution and I want to feel righteous and justified when seeing her cope with the consequences of her past actions and choices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel resistance and reluctance towards helping my mother by vouching for her, because I feel like she doesn't deserve my help, because she has walked out on me in the past, so why would I help her now?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to get back at my mother and have my revenge on her for her past actions by giving her the same treatment as she has given me in the past, thus tell her that she is old enough to take care of herself and that I am not responsible for her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hatred for my mother, because I perceived that she never gave a shit about me, and has always regarded other people before me in her life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to give my mother terms and conditions that she must follow, if she wants my help, instead of realising and understanding that this is part of my wanting to take revenge on her, because I perceive that she has hurt me in the past and that she was never a good mother, and that she never took care of me adequately, instead of realising and understanding that I am within this justifying why I shouldn't help her have the best life possible based on memories of the past, thus I am participating within a mind construct instead of directing myself in breath according to common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother based on memories of past events and experiences, instead of realising and understanding that I am supporting the sins of those that have gone before us and not giving us a chance to forgive ourselves and continue with a clean slate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger and annoyance and frustration and resentment to what I perceive to be my mother's attempts of making herself appear special and more than other people.

When and as I see myself reacting to my mother based on memories of past experiences, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity/memory construct, where I am being directed by definitions and perceptions of my mother that I have shaped throughout my life with her, instead of regarding her as an equal. Therefore I release the judgements/memories/feeling/emotions with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath and not allow myself to see/perceive my mother as anything less or more than my equal.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my memories and perceptions and definitions of my mother, because I realise and understand that otherwise I cannot perceive her as an equal, and therefore cannot treat her as an equal being.