Day 10: My observations

My mother is a heavy smoker of weed. She has also heard that hemp oil helps cure cancer, so now she has a potted plant in her room.

Recently they found some growth on her breast. They operated it, and it's fine, only my mother is making a Shakespearean drama about it, so that she would have an excuse to try and get hemp oil. I do not agree with this method of taking on the illness. But I digress.

Since I don't live with my family anymore, I will not be writing this blog based on memories from a personal experience, but rather from a friends interpretation of the situation.

My mother also has a cat. He likes to sunbathe on the window ledge near the weed plant.
So one day this harmless by-passer from the street started petting the cat. He noticed the plant, and asked whether it was weed. Mom replied that it is, and he went away.

In about ten minutes time there was a policeman on a bike at my mother's window, and he asked her, whether she knows that it's illegal to grow weed, and why does she grow it. She answered with her cancer and health excuse, which is kind of hard to negate to a person, even for a policeman. So the policeman said that he will pretend to not have seen this, and asked her, if she can hide the plant away from the window, to which she replied: "But it needs sunshine!" Then the policeman suggested to make some sort of a screen for the window, because people can see it, and people call the police because of it.
My mother made a screen, so that by-passers on the street cannot see the plant, and now the cat cannot look out the window anymore. He's the real victim of our delusional minds.

 Everything is in reverse, lol

The nice, pleasant man, who came to pet the cat, called the police, when he found out about the plant. He probably did it, because he was part of the Reaganistic upbringing, which has manipulated public opinion about drugs in the eighties, and brainwashed people into repeating: "Just say no."
So now, whenever people (who were teens in the eighties) see a drug, they still react with ultimate brainwashed fear and hatred, instead of realising that drugs are not illegal, because they are dangerous. They are dangerous, because they're illegal. Don't get me wrong, I am not promoting drugs - only that taking them is part of the domain of absolute individual self-responsibility, and as such should not be illegal and/or demonized.

The policeman turned out to be more man than police. He did not use any oppression or power, he simply acknowledged my mother as an equal, and even suggested some corrections, so that my mother would not have trouble in/with the system. It's nice to see that policemen are finally starting to realise themselves as human beings.

The cat is still fine, only a bit limited, as the window now looks like the window of a narco-cartel from the outside. My friend gave this description, I find it funny.

All men are created Equal. Therefore we should make an effort to finally implement a system that respects this simple fact of life.

Visit www.equalmoney.org

Day 9: Secrecy in relationships

Secrets with my partner:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have secrets with my partner, with which I make myself feel more than other people outside of our relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have "inside (sexual) jokes" with my partner in order to separate myself from other people and make myself feel superior, more than and better than other people outside of our relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have special intimate secrets with my partner, with which I could feel special, trustworthy, and create a "special bond of secrecy" with my partner, in which I exclude all people except us.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior and more than, and love my partner more, whenever he shares a secret with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an air of dependency and exclusivity and belonging and specialness, by telling my partner secrets that I do not tell other people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to manipulate my partner into trusting me, by telling him my secrets.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep secrets, so that I could create a special bond with people who I share them with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use other people's secrets in order to create a special bond with people who I share them with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use secrecy in this world and capitalistic system, in order to secure my own safety and survival within it.

Secrets I keep from my partner:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep secrets from my partner, because I am afraid that otherwise our relationship will fail.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of admitting to my partner that I am attracted to someone else as well, because I am afraid that he will want to leave me due to the illusion of monogamy in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise the fuckup of attraction in this world, and how it is connected to safety and survival and self-definitions of the ego/consciousness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to my partner and keep things from him in order for him to stay with me and ensure my safety and survival in the future of this world.

My secrets:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the definition of "secret" onto certain information about my behaviour/life, which I perceive that people would judge according to moral and ethical standards of this world and humanity, instead of realising how secrets are the fuckup that keep separation going within me and this world.

When and as I see myself thinking about sharing information that I have labeled as "secrets", I stop and I breathe. I look at the point of secrecy, release it with self-forgiveness and direct myself towards what is best for all in common sense. I do not allow myself to separate myself within myself and in the outer world by having preferences about people in terms of trusting them with my secret or not.

I commit myself to expose and remove all secrecy within myself and this world, so that we can stop perpetuating the separation that secrets cause.

Day 9: Manipulating in self-interest

I have fucked up quite heavily by being dishonest, where I thought I was honest. I honestly wanted to help one person, but in that I did not consider that in order to do that, the truth must be kept from another person.
So I did what I did in order to help person A, and hid the truth from person B, and accomplished absolutely nothing, because the starting point was absolutely self-dishonest - wanting to prove myself as the bigger person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to show and portray myself as the "bigger person" in a given situation, one that allows equality and does not have such big personal issues as other people, instead of realising what I am doing by having such thoughts, remaining in breath and clearing my starting point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I in any way allow equality, when I am not considering all people equally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with equality into believing that what I am planning is all right, instead of realising that planning is a product of consciousness, and as such is absolutely not an action of equality, but self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use anyone's name in vain for my own purposes of manipulating people into doing stuff according to my planning.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make plans that include other people, without having told them about it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to predict people's behaviour in order to plan things in my own self-interest, and then be disappointed, when they do not behave according to my predictions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for my past manipulations, instead of realising that I will not accomplish anything with feeling guilty, remaining here in breath and directing myself with common sense.
 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that others will judge me for my past manipulations, instead of realising that being afraid is unproductive, remaining here in breath and common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate, lie to and deceive myself and others, in order to get what I want in self-interest, instead of remaining in breath and directing myself with common sense towards what is best for all.
When and as I see myself wanting to manipulate, lie, deceive and plan, I stop, I breathe, I reevaluate the point and release self-interest points with self-forgiveness and direct myself in self-honesty with common sense towards what is best for all, not excluding anyone and considering everyone involved.

I commit myself to stop manipulating with lies, words, deceptions and plans, where some have to be excluded for others to be included. I do not participate within these kind of constructs anymore. Instead I expose all manipulation within me and this world, so that we can stop abuse with manipulation once and for all.

Day 8: Being alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that something bad happens, when one is alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an irrational fear reaction, whenever I think of the possibility, idea and notion of being alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that being alone is a bad thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive being alone as a bad thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that one can be alone in a world of 7 bln people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate aloneness with sadness, patheticness, loneliness, and generally define it as being an inferior state of being and existing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afriad that if I live alone, other people will judge me as sad, pathetic, lonely, and label my existence as infeiror.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to other people, who live together in families and/or with friends and partners. – because they allow self-deception... which is a point of spitefulness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards people who live together in families and/or with friends and partners, because they have mutual assistance and support available.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of living alone, because I am afraid of not having mutual assistance and support with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of living without the mutual support and assistance that other people, who live together, have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself for living without the mutual support and assistance that other people, who live together, have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have other people and live with other people, so that I could have mutual assistance and support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, because I perceive that I do not have mutual assistance and support, if I do not physically live with other people, instead of realising that I cannot assist and support other people, if I cannot assist and support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for other people to feel sorry for me, so that they would want to help me, so that I wouldn't have to unconditionally be self-responsible, but could hide in my felling sorry for myself and manipulate people with it into taking responsibility for me instead of me.

Day 8: My father's personality in me

In my first Journey to Life blog I commit myself to expose and remove all violence within myself and this world.

Yesterday I allowed a violent outburst into the physical, within which I didn't remember this commitment. The person that represents my partner in this construct that I am writing out, was making pancakes. He was fucking up royally due to never having cooked in his life. I came there with my years of experience, and immediately started telling him how to make pancakes, not allowing him to do the trial and error method, which is what my father was doing to me. If I didn't want to learn how to do it properly from him, and fucked up on my own, I was scolded.

So I scolded this poor guy, and he reacted back violently, which was the consequence of a particular superiority program that I had caused in him due to my self-interest. I realised the fuckup of my thoughts and actions for the past ten days, and I was asking him to correct it, but he wouldn't, as the programming was too strong, and so was my own. We started manipulating each other with fear, and it all escalated to me banging on the table with my hand. In that moment I was so possessed, that I had not remembered my commitment to not allow violence in me, and it played out in the physical. Later I investigated the point, and realised how I was simply playing out the programming that I had picked up from my father such a long time ago.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become annoyed, angry and resentful, whenever I perceive that someone does not want to take into consideration my experiences and knowledge, and feel unappreciated, disregarded and inferior whenever that happens, instead of realising that I am playing out my father's behavioural patterns from the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and utilize common sense, the Desteni lingo and the message of equality in order to enhance my claims and support my self-interest, instead of remaining here in breath and directing myself according to what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with sadness, go into anger and resentment  and feel hurt and betrayed, whenever I perceive that someone is comparing me to someone else, and is saying that the other person is better than me, instead of remaining here in breath and directing myself with common sense towards what is best for all.

Whenever I see myself going into comparison in my mind, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to compare myself to other people. I do not allow within me in-fear-iority and superiority that stem from comparison. Instead I look at the point that came up, release it with self-forgiveness, and direct myself in breath with common sense towards what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally, whenever I see/perceive that someone is being spiteful towards me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of living on my own again and having to do everything alone again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear and uncertainty, whenever I perceive that someone is being influenced and manipulated by others against me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for decisions to be made in my favour, whenever I am part of a decision that someone else needs to make.

Day 7: Process on relationships - raw and uncut

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate having a partner with having safety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel safe and secure within relationships with men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for/seek out relationships with men in order to create a false sense of safety, instead of realising how I compromise myself and my expression in order to manifest that sense of safety in a relationship with a man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care more about my partner than other people, because I am expecting my partner to care more about me than other people, and keep ME safe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and utilize sex in order to convey to my partner that I care about him more than other people, and so manifest an emotional connection with which I would ensure my own safety within this exclusive emotional/sexual relationship in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself as part of a unit, when I am in a (sexual) relationship with a partner, and feel whole, as opposed to when I am not in a relationship and feel like part of me is missing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a part of me is missing, whenever I am not in a relationship, instead of realising myself as a whole being regardless of me being in a relationship or not.

Yesterday I fucked up. Being part of a stupid triangle is, well, stupid. I have done my best to not exclude the girl, to include her in whatever circle we're in, but I eventually became fed up with her constant sad face. Sadness is to be written out, and that's it. Not to be used as a manipulation point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to persuade myself that I am sad, so that I could persuade others that I am sad, so that I could manipulate them with my sadness into doing things for me, and claim that "I cannot handle/write this out right now", so that I could keep perpetuating my relationship manipulation pattern with sadness and hold power over people/my partner with it, keep them/him doing what I want them/him to do for me, instead of facing myself, releasing the pattern with self-forgiveness, and directing myself with common sense towards what is best for all

When and as I see myself trying to become sad and manipulate myself and others into sadness, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to become sad. Instead I look at the point I wanted to manipulate, I release it unconditionally with self-forgiveness, and I direct myself with common sense towards what is best for all in oneness and equality.

I commit myself to expose and remove the manipulative nature of sadness in relationships within me and this world.

We manipulate with sadness to ensure our safety/survival as the mind in the future. We are fighting for our limitations and to not have to take self responsibility. Unacceptable.

We manipulate ourselves with fear of the future and responsibility into persuading ourselves that we love our partner, that our partner needs us, that we need our partner, because we just cannot do this on our own, which is - my manipulation with integrity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and others into doing what is best for all with "integrity", not realizing that I have not yet cleared integrity for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive integrity as doing what is best for all in common sense, without actually knowing what best for all in common sense in every breath really is. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word integrity in order to manipulate people into doing what I perceive to be best for all, which is clearing oneself with self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force people into doing self-forgiveness, instead of doing self-forgiveness myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as annoyed, whenever I perceive people resisting doing self-forgiveness, instead of realising that the annoyance is coming from me wanting to be right, and having participated in backchat, where I have "won" and "proven my point", which I am now trying to manifest in reality and failing, hence become annoyed

When and as I see annoyance coming up within me, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to become annoyed, and to manipulate with annoyance in superiority. Instead I realise that annoyance is a consequence of superiority/in-fear-iority backchat, I look at the point, I release it with self-forgiveness unconditionally and I direct myself in breath with common sense towards what is best for all in oneness and equality


I coughed big time right now, because I am competing with the girl in terms of process, trying to prove myself as better than her, more self-honest, more applying, more worthy of choosing to be with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my process to those of other people, and to compete with them in terms of "who will make it faster" and "who will do more".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate my process from those of other people, instead of realising that mirroring is assisting me in facing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with other people whom I perceive to be in process, instead of realising that everything and everyone is in process, and that I can only do my process at this point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and force self-forgiveness upon others, instead of realising that if I do my self-forgiveness, I can support others directly with my realisations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to support others in order to be supported myself, instead of supporting myself unconditionally and supporting others only when they are ready to support themselves.

Day 6: Manipulating with Sex in relationships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt, betrayed, incredulous and angry, whenever I see/perceive that someone is manipulating my partner against me/into not liking me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry, because I see/perceive that my partner is being manipulated with sex into not liking me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as insecure, compromised  and threatened, whenever I see/perceive that another girl is using sex to manipulate my partner against me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worried about loosing my partner/my partner being taken away from me, whenever I see/perceive that another girl is trying to seduce him.

The fuckup of exclusive relationships - we women compare and compete for sexual partners, instead of realising ourselves as equals and not using sex as a means of energetic manipulation to control men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to prevent my partner from having sex with other girls, because I perceive that then I will loose my power over him, and that another girl will steal my power and control over him.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that by having sex with men, I hold a power over them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to hold power over men with sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel compromised and threatened, if/when I am not the only one that is having sex with my partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be the only one to have sex with my partner due to my perception of holding power over men with sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate having sex with men with holding power over men.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that if my partner has sex with someone else, he will not want to have sex with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing having sex with my partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that my partner will be manipulated into an exclusive sexual relationship with another girl by means of manipulating with material things and assets.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be rich in order to be able to be sexually more interesting to men.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be more interested in men from rich families, and with sex secure my participating in enjoying the material stability of my partner's family.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must be jealous of other girls that are having sex with my partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must commit myself to have sex with only my partner, and perceive that - now that we have sex - I am his, and he is mine, instead of realising that I am trying to own him through sex, and with that I am compromising his self-directive principle as well as my own.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the concept of cheating and being faithful, instead of realising that those are concepts of separation that support the abuse and manipulation that is going on with sex in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define sex as the corner stone of my relationship with my partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive sex as a tool to manipulate men into doing what I want, and to have power over them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and utilize sex in order to bind men to myself emotionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must secure sex for myself now, because I might not get it in the future, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I will not be able to have sex in the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate men with my material possessions into  thinking that they will be secure with me in the future, and thus make them want to have sex with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate myself according to how well I can control a man with sexual manipulation.

When and as I see myself wanting to manipulate men with material possessions and/or sex, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to manipulate. Instead I look at the point, release it with self-forgiveness and direct myself with common sense in oneness and equality towards what is best for all.