Day 146: Fear of Death

Yesterday I got this Eqafe gift https://eqafe.com/p/heart-attack-death-research-part-1, I also got part two.

It freaked me out, because I usually get gifts form the farm, and usually they deal with a relevant point that I'm walking in that moment. I also got a few random gifts, but this wasn't one of them, because I do occasionally feel a slight stab in the heart area, but until now I would always kind of brush it off and think it away, with backchat such as: "Nah, it's nothing, I'm sure I'll be fine" or "I'm too young to die". After receiving the gift and listening to it, I started being more alert to the pain, and I'd panic a little every time I felt it. I had, up until now, completely forgotten that my grandmother, of whom I've inherited most of my genetic make-up, died from a heart attack around the age of 60.
First I was a little pissed, as in "If someone on the farm knows something more about me than I do, then tell it to my face, so I can prepare", and I wrote there to ask, who got me the gift, but it was gifted anonymously, so they couldn't give me that information. I also know that it's completely irrelevant who got me the gift; the point is here and I need to face it in absolute self-responsibility.
I went to the movie theatre today, and I felt a stab during the film. Fear of death overcame me (which is funny - it came, because I hadn't written out this particular fear yet. I'm not afraid of dying in a car accident, for instance, because I've written on it, and I had already been in a dangerous situation on the road, in which I noticed that I wasn't afraid for my life). So I did the self-forgiveness, and after releasing the fear, I got curious about how it is on the other side. I also forgave those thoughts. But I was still worried a bit, and when my partner and I were walking home, and he was talking about the film, all I could think of was that I have a heart problem and that I need to go to a doctor for tests and write out the mindfucks about it. I told him about what I was going through, and he laughed. I felt incredibly insulted and was angry at him for it, although at the same time I knew that I was being silly. I wanted his 'understanding' and 'caring', instead I got laughter, and my mind didn't like that, not one bit. I was like "How dare you laugh at my fears", and he was like "That's exactly what you're supposed to do". He was right, of course. I had thoughts like "I'm not ready to die yet, I haven't dome anything substantial with my life yet, I'm afraid that I'll have regrets if I die now". Yes, I was actually considering that I was going to die pretty soon. I did some self-forgiveness while walking, and my fears and anger stopped. And now for the nitty-gritties.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself for "having a heart problem", without even having confirmed that I have one, instead of realising and understanding that I am looking for other people's pity and slack, because "sick people get benefits and treated kinder and with more attention".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that if/when I am sick with any kind of physical condition, that I have the right to people being nicer to me and kinder and give me more attention. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be kinder and nicer to people, whenever I see/perceive that they have health problems, because I think/believe/perceive that they are afraid for their life and/or because they are/might be enduring physical discomfort and pain.

When and as I see myself wanting to manipulate people into being nice and kind to me by sharing my physical ailments, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within abdication of my self-responsibility by wanting others to pamper me and 'take care of me' and treat me with more care and kindness and understanding, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself as an equal regardless of what my physical condition is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I haven't done anything substantial with my life yet, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be recognised by others (posthumously) that I have done something substantial in my life, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be remembered after I die, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I will want to feel superior by perceiving that I have left a legacy that will live on instead of me when I die, and I will feel inferior, because I perceive that I haven't created such a legacy yet, not realising and understanding that I am with this creating energy for my mind to survive as ego.

When and as I see myself thinking/believing /perceiving that I haven't done anything substantial with my life, and within that feeling inferior and afraid of dying, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is only my mind as ego that is afraid of being no more, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in the moment towards what is best for All.

I commit myself to stop believing and perceiving that I need to create a legacy that will live on after I die, because I realise and understand that this is only my mind's desire to live forever in people's memories as a mind of definitions, and I also realise and understand that death is inevitable and therefore it is ludicrous to fear it, because that is like fearing having to pee or poo - it's something that inevitably happens.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of having to stop existing in the form that I exist in now, instead of realising and understanding that I will inevitably stop existing as I exist now, therefore it is silly to cling onto my existence as it is now. I realise and understand that I cling onto my current existence because I have defined and built myself up in such a way, and is the only thing I know, and the fear of stopping existing as I do now is the fear of the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death because I do not know what happens afterwards, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from theword 'death' by fearing the unknown factor that comes after it.

When and as I see myself fearing death/the unknown and having to face it myself, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind construct, where I fear the unknown, because I fear not having control in the unknown, and on the flip side I am not afraid of the known, because I perceive that I know my limitations and can control the known to some extent. Therefore I release the trigger point of the fear with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath without fearing the unknown.

I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness stop and remove my fear of death/the unknown, because I realise and understand that I am fearing loosing myself as the mind of definitions and polarities, and I also realise and understand that death is a naturally occurring state of being, therefore it is unnecessary to fear it.

To be continued.

Day 145: Shit is Fucked, let's Fix it

The river caught my eye today. It was as greyish brown from the pollution as ever, but today there was some shit floating on the surface as well, and it looked absolutely disgusting.
I remembered my childhood and how rivers used to be clear, the water was see-through, and one could see the fish in it.

The sky was all grey and misty as well, from the shit that they spray it with all day long. There were no real clouds, only water vapour that has condensed onto the powdered condensation cores. On a sunny spring or summer day one can observe the man made creation of "clouds" happen: first there's blue skies, like spring and summer skies are supposed to be like, and air planes spraying long trails across the sky. Sometimes the sky is completely zigzagged with these trails. Several hours later the trails dissipate, and form a canvas of formless water vapour. The skies become grey, but there is no rainfall. Only greyness.
I remembered my childhood, when spring and summer skies were blue as the sky, with little fluffy clouds in them.

I have a new hobby. On my way home from the big shopping centre, where I can find everything, from shoelaces and tomatoes to TVs the size of a wall, I count the closed down little shops in the city. Only in my short street, with only 20 or so house numbers, there were 6 of them last month. This week I have noticed that 2 more shops closed down. The windows of apartments above the shops have dusty and sun-bleached signs "for sale" on them.

Every part of this bio-social-system is falling apart, but no one seems to notice. I glanced to my right, and saw a bunch of younger students jumping, laughing and yelling at each other, having "fun", completely oblivious to the decaying world they're in. I was like that too, before I started my Process. I just wanted to have fun, I wanted to laugh and go to parties in the weekends, so that I would rest from the tiring studying and later working all week long.
And then I started my Process of self-forgiveness, of deprogramming my mind, of birthing myself into the Physical, the Journey to Life - it has many names. Each day I stepped a little more out of the Human Drama, I stopped being a participator in it, an Actor, and became more and more an Observer. I started becoming aware of what it is that I was participating in - the slow, but sure demise of my home planet. I did this by racing along the other rats in this completely and fully accepted rat-race for "happiness". Now when I watch this world and other people exist in the sad state that I existed in even a few years ago, it's like I'm watching a scary science-fiction movie. It truly and utterly looks more and more like the Matrix and a zombie movie combined.

Slowly but surely I am Stopping my part as an actor in this movie. I realised and understood that "happiness" cannot exist without "sadness/unhappiness", therefore I am stopping both polarities within myself. What I am gaining is an awareness that I am actually a co-Creator of this existence, and therefore I have commit myself to become a Creator of a different world. One in which every being's Life is supported by the planet, and where every being supports the planet, because that's how it's supposed to be.

The sad part is that I see children, who have never known the Nature I have known - with blue skies and clouds of different forms, and rivers that show the stones on their bottoms. To them grey waters and sprayed skies are normal. Dirty empty closed shops with signs "for sale" are normal. Just like it is "normal" to us that money and happiness are the main goals in life, and that people in Africa are starving. That's just the way things have always been. Or is it?

This is how the river and sky looked in my childhood,

and this is how they look today.

Let's stop the Human Drama, and become Creators of a Decent World, which we all want so badly.
To stop one's own Drama, visit http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ and http://desteniiprocess.com/
To stop the Global Drama, visit http://equalmoney.org/
To educate oneself more on both dramas, visit http://desteni.org/ and poke around the forums a bit.

This world is as it is, because we are as we are. The world is collapsing, because we are collapsing on the inside. Something is terribly wrong, and we mostly don't know what it is that is wrong. It has become impossible to form successful relationships outside of facebook nowadays, have we noticed this? All newly formed relationships tend to fall apart quickly, and the old ones simply don't cut it any more. That is because our whole existence has been based on lies, we're walking Lies ourselves, we've completely become Apathy and Denial.

It's time we wake up and become self-willed co-Creators that do what is best for All.

Day 144: Frisbee mistakes

I've been playing with the frisbee lately. I have been noticing myself becoming very frustrated, whenever I would pass it in a way that was less than perfect, and my co-players would have to either run for it or walk away and get it, because I threw it in a crooked way. I feel like they have to pay for my mistakes, and then I feel guilty, and start being angry at myself for making the mistake and judging myself as incompetent. Therefore I start blaming myself for making them walk, and I let out a dissatisfied grunt that is both angry (towards myself) and apologetic (towards them). I used to say out loud that I am stupid, as if telling myself and others that I am stupid is somehow going to lighten the situation or change it in any way. Fortunately I have curbed this, but the dissatisfied grunt still comes out every single time - absolutely automatically. This is not limited to frisbee, of course, it is a pattern that repeats itself in any activity that I take part in with other people. I also do this when I do something myself, but with less loud grunts, although occasionally they do some out. If it's not a grunt, then it's a sigh, with which I show myself how disappointed I am at myself for 'failing' at something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become disappointed and frustrated with myself, whenever I perceive that I made a mistake, and then judge myself as a failure and judge my miss-take as an action of failing and as something negative, instead of realising and understanding that within this I make myself inferior to myself and all that is here, thus separating myself from myself within, and participating within my mind's polarity construct, where on the flip side I will feel superior, whenever I perceive that I have done a task or activity 'right' and without miss-takes, and give it a positive connotation, thus creating friction and energy for my mind to exist as ego.

When and as I see myself becoming disappointed and frustrated with myself, whenever I perceive that I have made a mistake, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that in allowing further thoughts to manifest, I will start judging and perceiving myself as a failure, with which I am compromising my self-expression by judging it as inferior and incapable of doing something, thus will make myself reluctant and afraid to express myself in the same way in the future. Therefore I release the trigger point of disappointment and frustration, and direct my self-expression in breath without judging myself for my miss-takes.

I commit myself to stop and remove all self-judgement that I inflict upon myself, whenever I perceive that I have made a miss-take, because I realise and understand that in doing so, I am only giving myself an energetic boost of negative energy in order for my mind to survive as ego, and am not benefiting myself in any way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automate myself to let out a dissatisfied grunt, whenever I perceive that I have made a mistake in front of other people, and when I am alone with myself, as a form of apology to others for making the mistake and as a form of self-punishment for making the mistake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be openly angry at myself in front of others, whenever I perceive to have made a mistake, and show it with a dissatisfied grunt, so that other people would see that I am angry with myself, which I do from a fear of other people's anger towards me for making the perceived mistake, so I think/believe/perceive that it is still better if I am angry at myself first instead of having to endure other people's anger, so in essence I am being angry at myself so that other's wouldn't have to be, because I am less afraid of my own anger than of that of other people, because I do not have control over other people's anger, just my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that other people will judge me and ridicule me for making a mistake, instead of realising and understanding that I am afraid of this, because I judge and ridicule other people for making mistakes, which is a pattern that I have received and accepted from my parents, who judged me and ridiculed me for making a mistake, thus I started believing that all people behave this way, and therefore I started to behave this way as well, towards others as well as myself. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start judging and ridiculing myself, whenever I made a mistake, as a form of pre emptive strike, thinking/believing/perceiving that if I judge and ridicule myself out loud, that my parents would refrain from ridiculing and judging me, thus by judging and ridiculing myself I wanted to prevent my parents from judging and ridiculing me, because I always felt hurt and betrayed/abandoned and ashamed and embarrassed, when they would do it, especially in front of other people. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I have developed a self-destructive and self-humiliating mechanism, with which I compromised myself in my life, and so didn't allow myself to try anything new or anything that I wasn't already good at, so that I would prevent the possibility of me making mistakes and being ridiculed and judged by myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassment and shame and fear of what other people will say and think about me, whenever I perceive that I have made a mistake, and thus put myself in an inferior/negative position in my mind.

When and as I see myself judging and ridiculing myself for a perceived mistake, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's construct of doing this as a pre emptive strike, so that I would prevent others from judging and ridiculing me, in order to avoid feeling embarrassed and ashamed of myself in case they did so. Therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself without self-judgement and self-ridiculing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take other people's ridiculing and judging of my perceived mistakes personal, and think/believe/perceive that their judgements define me, and feel embarrassed and ashamed, whenever this happens, and therefore feel negative and inferior to those people, instead of realising and understanding that I myself am allowing this negativity to happen within me, and that if I do not allow myself to have these energetic responses, then their words cannot hurt me in any way. I can only hurt myself with their words.

When and as I see myself taking people's responses to my perceived mistakes personal and as a point to define myself with, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I will feel negative and inferior, whenever I perceive that people are judging me for my mistakes, and I will feel superior and positive, whenever I perceive that people are praising me for doing something good, thus within this construct I am actually defining myself with the opinions of others, thus I am not my own starting point, but am existing as ego. Therefore I release the points of taking other people's opinions personal, and I direct myself in breath by being my own starting point and NOT by wanting/desiring positive response from others, and at the same time fearing negative response from others.

I commit myself to stop self-judgement and self-ridicule whenever I perceive that I made a mistake in order to stop others from criticizing me, and within this I commit myself to stop using other people's opinions of me as a point of self-definition, because I realise and understand that by allowing such behavioural patterns to exist within me, I am powering my mind as ego and not being my own starting point, but am giving my power away to the opinions and other programs of my surroundings.

Day 143: Waiting for things to happen instead of directing them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build myself up in such a way that I always wait for things to happen to me, instead of me directing the things to happen in my life. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become used to people telling me what to do to such an extent that I became more comfortable with following orders from my parents, other grown-ups, teachers and other perceived authorities in my life, instead of taking the initiative to direct things myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take initiative in my life, because I was afraid of my father's reaction to it. 

My father was always angry with me, whenever I would take the initiative to do something, and he would yell at me for it and make fun of me as in 'who do I think I am, taking initiative'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to my father and scared of him, whenever he would yell at me for taking the initiative to do something instead of asking his advice/permission to do it. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to render myself inactive due to my fear of my father's response to my actions, and develop a waiting personality, within which I would wait for things to happen and for other people to do things for me first, and tell me what to do and then do them, instead of me directing myself to find out what to do and then doing them on my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my father's and my surrounding's critique for things that I would create to such an extent that I would rather flush my creations down the toilet rather than having to face my father's and my surrounding's opinion of my work. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with the critique and opinions of my father and my surroundings about my creations, instead of realising that within this I am separating myself from myself by wanting to have a positive response to my creations from my surroundings/father.

When and as I see myself fearing/wondering what my surrounding's feedback on my creations would be, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind construct, where I will want to validate myself with feedback about my creations from my surroundings, thus separating myself from myself and me not being the starting point of my own self-expression within creation, but rather creating from the starting point of wanting 'good feedback' from my surroundings, with which I could validate myself and feel superior and more than, thus powering my mind as ego. Therefore I release the trigger point of fearing/wondering/wantinggood feedback with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath without compromising my self-expression within my creations with wondering what other people would make of it.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my fears that I have built up throughout my life regarding my creations and stopping and removing thoughts with which I render myself inactive instead of creating, because I realise and understand that by allowing these fears to exist within me, I am compromising myself in my self-expression and not allowing myself to be a creator as myself as the starting point.

Day 142: Procrastination dimension/character - Fear of Failure

Incredible. I've written an introductory blog on procrastination, and then - I procrastinated for a whole week. I wrote some self-forgiveness statements in my own document where I do daily process as points come up, but I haven't put them in a blog. Now when I look back at it, I can see some more reasons as to why I am a procrastinator in the first place: I have an immense fear of failure. I started judging myself and wondering "how other people are going to understand what I'm writing" and whether my writings are good enough or relevant enough, and so instead of simply moving one point forward each day, I allowed myself to take seven steps back. Because it has already become painfully apparent to me that when one does not move forward in Process - one definitely moves backward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a procrastinating personality, with which I would enable myself to put off my responsibilities off indefinitely and until the very last moment, which sometimes resulted in me not completing my responsibilities on time, and always resulted in me having to do correctional exams at the end of a year in highschool, instead of realising and understanding that I was absolutely abdicating my self-responsibility within developing this personality due to running away from reality and not wanting to deal with it, with which I compromised my well-being and stability within the system.
When and as I see myself wanting to put off a responsibility onto another time, because in that particular moment "I do not feel like it", and justify it to myself with backchat such as "I have enough time" and "fuck it, I don't care about myself enough to do this responsibility", I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that not completing my responsibilities in this system carries consequences that are not favorable to my existence, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself towards completing the task at hand without resistances.
I commit myself to stopping and removing my procrastinating personality, because I realise and understand that by allowing myself to become this procrastinating personality, I compromise myself, my well-being in the system by causing penalties that are developed for procrastination and I compromise my own standing within the system and myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my procrastination (with which I was only running away from my responsibilities, which I have come to define as a hassle) with backchat such as "when did the system do anything good for me" and "why should I do something for the system and for myself in the system, when I do not approve of it", instead of realising and understanding and acknowledging the consequences that I manifest for myself with such behaviour, which are always negative and unwanted.
When and as I see myself justifying to myself in backchat why I shouldn't do my responsibility immediately as it comes up, and put it off in order to "momentarily enjoy myself now and worry about responsibilities later", I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that with this backchat I am allowing myself to loop and waste time and manifest unwanted consequences as penalties and bad feelings/emotions for myself, therefore I release the trigger point of "wanting to feel good now and do my tiresome responsibilities later" with self-forgiveness and direct myself towards completing my responsibilities in breath without resistances. When I see resistances come up, I investigate them, release them with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards completing my responsibilities.
I commit myself to stopping and removing the backchat within myself with which I justify and excuse myself from doing my 'responsibilities' immediately and effectively, because I realise and understand that otherwise I will only waste time and manifest consequences that are detrimental to my existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to always "feel good" in this moment and therefore in this moment do things that I define/perceive to be pleasant, enjoyable and make me feel good, instead of realising that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I will focus on feeling positive and doing things that I define/perceive to be positive, and try to ignore the things that I define as negative, such as completing my responsibilities, not realising and understanding that by focusing on the positive and ignoring the negative, I am giving the negative free reign and manifesting consequences for myself in the negative that I have allowed to roam free without control, thus making myself a 'victim' to the consequences that I myself have manifested by ignoring the things that I have defined as negative.
When and as I see myself wanting to focus on the positive and good, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where i will try to manifest for myself as many 'positive' experiences as I can, and on the flip side i will try to ignore the 'negative' as much as I can, thus I put effort and energy into ignoring the negative, thus powering it from that side and manifesting it for myself in form of consequences that come around when I least expect them.
I commit myself to stop myself from focusing and wanting to experience only the good and the positive, because I realise and understand that within that I am ignoring the negative, thus powering it in unawareness and manifesting consequences of the negative for myself. Therefore I commit myself to remove all the definitions of positive and negative from within myself until all that is left is me directing me in breath as life for life, without the positive and negative definitions, which I have used as motivation to do things in this life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to motivate myself with promises of feeling good and positive and superior, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to motivate myself with fear of negativity and do my chores and responsibilities from the starting point of fearing the negative consequences if I do not complete my chores and responsibilities, instead of realising and understanding that by motivating myself with these polarities, I am participating within my mind's polarity construct in order to generate energy for it to survive as ego.
When and as I see myself motivating myself to do things/my responsibilities with promising myself to feel good afterwards and with fearing the negative consequences of me not completing my responsibilities and tasks, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I define doing the work/responsibilities/chores as negative, and completing the work/chores/responsibilities and the time afterwards when I do not have responsibilities as positive, therefore I power my mind as ego by creating friction (voice crack, I'm not sure that this is how it works, it's knowledge, not a realisation) between these two polarities. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern of motivating myself with promises of feeling good and fears of feeling bad in relation to my responsibilities with self-forgiveness and direct myself towards completing my responsibilities and daily chores as myself in breath without motivating energetic backchat.
I commit myself to stopping and removing the (need for) motivation to do things within the polarity of wanting to feel good and fearing feeling bad, because I realise and understand that by motivating myself within this polarity construct, I am powering my mind as ego and abusing and sacrificing my physical body for it, and abdicating my responsibility to direct myself in breath as life to an automated mind construct, which consumes my life essence/physical body in order to make decisions for me, instead of me directing my decisions towards what is best for myself as all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate with my duties/obligations/commitments within Process due to fear of failure. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of how other people will understand what I am writing, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for other people to be able to use and identify with my writings so that they would eventually start their own process of writing and self-forgiveness, instead of realising and understanding that within this I have been making other people my starting point for writing, and not myself, within which I separated myself from myself and all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my blogs/self-forgiveness statements are not going to be identifiable for other people, instead of realising that I am compromising myself by focusing on whether others are going to understand and relate to my writings, instead of my starting point being me removing my own points in order to gain clarity on my own points regardless of whether others understand them or not.

When and as I see myself thinking and having back chat about how other people are going to perceive my writings or anything else that I do, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that in that moment I am not being my own starting point, but am separating myself from myself within my desire to be assisting and supportive to other people, with which I would then validate myself in my mind. Therefore I stop, I breathe and I release the trigger point of my back chat with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath with myself being my own starting point for everything that I do.

I commit myself to stop doing things from the perspective of 'pleasing' or 'assisting' others, and I commit myself to do things with me being my own starting point, because I realise and understand that otherwise I am separating myself within by wanting to feed my ego with validation about how effective I am.

Day 141: Procrastination (scratching the surface of the personality)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a procrastinating personality, with which I would enable myself to put off my responsibilities off indefinitely and until the very last moment, which sometimes resulted in me not completing my responsibilities on time and having to deal with the negative consequences of that, and always resulted in me having to do correctional exams at the end of a year in highschool, instead of realising and understanding that I was absolutely abdicating my self-responsibility within developing this personality due to running away from reality and not wanting to deal with it, with which I compromised my well-being and stability within the system.


When and as I see myself wanting to put off a responsibility onto another time, because in that particular moment "I do not feel like it", and justify it to myself with backchat such as "I have enough time" and "fuck it, I don't care about myself enough to do this responsibility (now or ever)", I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that not completing my responsibilities in this system carries consequences that are not favourable to my existence, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself towards completing the task at hand without resistances.


I commit myself to stopping and removing my procrastinating personality, because I realise and understand that by allowing myself to become this procrastinating personality, I compromise myself and my well-being in the system by causing penalties that are developed for procrastination, and I compromise my own standing within the system and within myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my procrastination (with which I was only running away from my responsibilities, which I have come to define as a hassle) with backchat such as "when did the system do anything good for me" and "why should I do something for the system and for myself in the system, when I do not approve of the system" - with which I power the system from the negative side, instead of realising and understanding and acknowledging the consequences that I manifest for myself with such behaviour, which are always negative and unwanted.


When and as I see myself justifying to myself in backchat why I shouldn't do my responsibility immediately as it comes up, and put it off in order to "momentarily enjoy myself now and worry about responsibilities later", I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that with this backchat I am allowing myself to loop and waste time and manifest unwanted consequences as penalties of the system and bad feelings/emotions for myself, therefore I release the trigger point of "wanting to feel good now and do my tiresome responsibilities later" with self-forgiveness and direct myself towards completing my responsibilities in breath without resistances. When I see resistances come up, I investigate them, release them with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards completing my responsibilities.


I commit myself to stopping and removing the backchat within myself with which I justify and excuse myself from doing my 'responsibilities' immediately and effectively, because I realise and understand that otherwise I will only waste time and manifest consequences that are detrimental to my existence.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to always "feel good" in this moment and therefore in this moment do things that I define/perceive to be pleasant, enjoyable and make me feel good, instead of realising that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I will focus on feeling positive and doing things that I define/perceive to be positive, and try to ignore the things that I define as negative, such as completing my responsibilities, not realising and understanding that by focusing on the positive and ignoring the negative, I am giving the negative free reign and manifesting consequences for myself in the negative that I have allowed to roam free without control, thus making myself a 'victim' to the consequences that I myself have manifested by ignoring the things that I have defined as negative.


When and as I see myself wanting to focus on the positive and good, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where i will try to manifest for myself as many 'positive' experiences as I can, and on the flip side i will try to ignore the 'negative' as much as I can, thus I put effort and energy into ignoring the negative, thus powering it from that side and manifesting it for myself in form of consequences that come around when I least expect them.


I commit myself to stop myself from focusing and wanting to experience only the good and the positive, because I realise and understand that within that I am ignoring the negative, thus powering it in unawareness and manifesting consequences of the negative for myself. Therefore I commit myself to remove all the definitions of positive and negative from within myself until all that is left is me directing me in breath as life for life, without the positive and negative definitions, which I have used as motivation to do things in this life.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to motivate myself with promises of feeling good and positive and superior, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to motivate myself with fear of negativity and do my chores and responsibilities from the starting point of fearing the negative consequences if I do not complete my chores and responsibilities, instead of realising and understanding that by motivating myself with these polarities, I am participating within my mind's polarity construct in order to generate energy for it to survive as ego.


When and as I see myself motivating myself to do things/my responsibilities with promising myself to feel good afterwards and with fearing the negative consequences of me not completing my responsibilities and tasks, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I define doing the work/responsibilities/chores as negative, and completing the work/chores/responsibilities and the time afterwards when I do not have responsibilities as positive, therefore I power my mind as ego by creating friction (voice crack, I'm not sure that this is how it works, it's knowledge, not a realisation) between these two polarities. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern of motivating myself with promises of feeling good and fears of feeling bad in relation to my responsibilities with self-forgiveness and direct myself towards completing my responsibilities and daily chores as myself in breath without motivating energetic backchat.


I commit myself to stopping and removing the (need for) motivation to do things within the polarity of wanting to feel good and fearing feeling bad, because I realise and understand that by motivating myself within this polarity construct, I am powering my mind as ego and abusing and sacrificing my physical body for it, and abdicating my responsibility to direct myself in breath as life to an automated mind construct, which consumes my life essence/physical body in order to make decisions for me, instead of me directing my decisions towards what is best for myself as all life

to be continued

Day 140: Procrastination (introduction)

It has been 7 full days since I last wrote a blog. I missed one day, and then one thing lead to another, so I ended up putting it off indefinitely, justifying it to myself in various bogus ways. I've been swamped with work, but that has little to nothing to do with my process, and me pushing through this point of procrastination, which I've been staring at for almost a month. I've proven to myself numerous times that I'm absolutely capable of writing a blog even after 12 hours of work. It was actually almost like I didn't dare engage the point, because it seems so vast and all-encompassing in my life. So here goes.

I've been putting off my responsibilities to the very last moment before the deadline ever since I can remember. It started in elementary school (that's as far as I can remember now), when I would put off my homework and other projects until the very last day. I remember trying to 'be a good student', and do my homework and studying regularly, but that just didn't work for me, because I perceived to be living in a too hostile environment for me to focus on schoolwork. That was my main justification for not caring about school. When I would get home from school, I'd toss my bag in the corner and run away into an alternate reality either by reading books and comics or watching TV, and later the computer became my main focus in search of entertainment. I was running away from reality, mainly from having to face the 'dire situation' that I had with my parents, and the constant worry and fear for my survival that stemmed from their relationship to each other, which was highly unstable and volatile, to say the least.

This running away from reality manifested a laziness, as I would much rather stay in my own little mind-world than do any chores and tasks, which I have started defining as a hassle. In my teens it seemed much easier to engage my mother in verbal and sometimes physical conflict than to 'respect her authority', which by then I gave her absolutely no right to any more, as I was completely disillusioned with her conduct and behaviour.
My father was another story, I both respected and feared him, but he wasn't around as much as mother was.

So I developed this procrastinating personality as a coping mechanism for the hardship I perceived to be enduring (which is laughable, when put in a global perspective). Little did I know that I was terribly harming myself in this absolute abdication of self-responsibility. I was semi-aware of it not being a good thing... but I allowed it within myself anyway, because I perceived the world to be a too scary place to engage on my own, therefore I created my own little alternate world of fantasies and fairy tales, in which I was safe and secure and happy, and I was very reluctant to get out of it, but now it's time to face the music.

Self-forgiveness statements will follow.

Day 139: The Educated Ones

"I am the Educated One. I don't know shit about the economy, or the government that is cutting and freezing my pension, and social and medical services, or how people really live in other countries, except for what they tell me on tv and in the papers, and I am absolutely unaware of the forces that make these run and how they influence me, but look at me knowing my Roman and Greek and yes, even Chinese history. Which I got from the history channel. I even know some physics and quantum mechanics that I got from discovery. Not really, but the Chinese part must have gotten me in by now. If not, this person is not for me to interact with. There's nothing to talk bullshit about and fill the emptiness of my Helpless little life with. Oh hai, didn't see you there, how you duin babe? No, I didn't see the latest game. Want a drink? Terrible weather, eh?"

End Ignorance. Enter Life.

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Day 138: Complacency

com•pla•cen•cy (k m-pl s n-s )
n.
1. A feeling of contentment or self-satisfaction, especially when coupled with an unawareness of danger, trouble, or controversy.
2. An instance of contented self-satisfaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to give off a vibe of complacency so that other people wouldn't know how unhappy I really am with my life. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to hide from people and for this purpose lie to them that my life is peachy and that everything is fine with me in order for me to hide the fact that I am extremely unhappy with my life, instead of realising and understanding that I am generating this feeling of unhappiness within myself in the first place and then covering it in complacency in order to hide from myself the self-responsibility I have towards how I experience myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to persuade myself and believe myself that I like my life and that everything is fine and dandy within it, instead of realising and understanding that I am doing so, so that I wouldn't have to take full responsibility for making my life ok, but pretending that it already is ok, so that I wouldn't have to do anything about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act and feel complacent in order to neutralise/balance the unhappiness that I felt was permeating me and my existence money wise and self-experience wise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act and feel complacent in order to come off to people like I do not care what they think about me, when in reality I cared a great deal about what they would think of me, but assumed immediately that their opinion of me would be negative due to my appearance/fat, instead of realising that my own opinion of me was negative, which I would then project onto others and then play out complacency in order to neutralise/balance out my own perception of other's perceptions of me, which I have generated within me in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act in front of people like I am extremely satisfied with myself, instead of realising and understanding that I am doing this in order to hide my own dissatisfaction with myself from myself and using others simply as mirrors to further hide from myself.

When and as I see myself feeling satisfied with myself or trying to give off the vibe of being satisfied with myself to myself or to others, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that this is the consequence of me not being happy with where I am one bit, therefore I investigate and release the trigger points with self-forgiveness and direct myself in awareness that when I am acting/being complacent, I am actually hiding points from myself.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all points of complacency from myself, because I realise and understand that complacency is part of a mind polarity design that I participate with in order to neutralise/balance/mask/hide the dissatisfaction with my life that I am generating within myself, instead of taking full responsibility for the way I experience myself in breath and correcting the points that I need to correct in order to direct myself effectively towards what is best for All Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend and lie to my partner, family and friends and other people in my surroundings that I like who I am and that I am perfectly fine with myself, instead of realising and understanding that I am with this action hiding from myself and from the responsibility of correcting points that I am not satisfied with.

When and as I see myself pretending that I like myself and that I am satisfied with myself, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I will try to hide from myself my own dissatisfaction with myself by running into the opposite polarity of 'being satisfied with myself' or at least giving off the vibe that I am satisfied with myself, with which I only power my mind as ego by creating friction between these two polarities. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards releasing the points which I wanted to hide from myself by being satisfied with myself.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all feelings of being satisfied with myself, because I realise and understand that I experience those feelings, because I allow the opposite polarity of dissatisfaction with myself to exist within me, therefore I will release the polarity constructs with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath without feelings of being satisfied with myself.