Day 55: Removing Jealousy - part four

Today I was quite disturbed, when my partner wasn't around to talk to, and I wrote out the self-forgiveness statements bellow in a moment of "great distress" and fear, so they might be a bit quirky, because I wanted to rid myself of these terrible energies asap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear of loss, fear of the unknown and fear of not having control over my partner, when/as I see/perceive that my partner doesn't want to talk to me/isn't there for me to talk to, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I will feel good, whenever I have my partner at my disposal to talk to because I will perceive that I have control over the situation and my partner, and I will feel bad/inferior/afraid of loosing control over my partner, whenever my partner is not there for me to talk to and I will go into all sorts of fear dimensions, such as my partner not wanting to talk to me, my partner being manipulated by other women into not talking to me.

When and as I see myself reacting emotionally to my partner not being at my disposal to talk to, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am reacting because I want to feel in control of my partner in order for me to feel superior and feel good within being able to talk to my partner all the time, and I will feel scared/inferior and less than, when my partner is not there to talk to, therefore I release the trigger point of my reaction with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.


I commit myself to stop any and all points of wanting to have control over my partner, because I realise and understand that I am wanting to control my partner, because I perceive that by having control over my partner, I have control over my future, therefore I will remove all such points with self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to manipulate men/my partner into not talking to other women, because I want to hold on to them and emotionally manipulate them into being with me/prevent them from considering other partners/ have them as a reserve point for myself in the future, instead of realising that I am doing this from the mind construct of fear of loss of my partner/reserve point for myself in the future. I realise and understand that with wanting to have a reserve point for sex and safety in the future, I am manipulating myself into abdicating my self-responsibility by going into future projections/dimensions in my mind, where I will want to ensure myself safety and comfor and sex in the future, instead of remaining here in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become worried, whenever my partner is not around for me to talk to, and start explaining to myself in my mind what might have happened in order to comfort myself and compensate for the bad feeling that I am generating within myself when my partner is not around for me to talk to, instead of realising that within this I am fearing loosing my good feeling that I generate within myself when I talk to my partner, and fearing loosing him as a stability point for myself in the future, not realising and understanding that with this I am separating myself from myself within thinking that I need a partner to have stability in the future and generating friction to create energy for my mind to survive as ego.

When and as I see myself becoming worried whenever my partner is not readily available for me to talk to, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I will react with fear because my mind is fearing loosing control over my partner and the situation and go into all sorts of paradnoid projections such as other girls having manipulated my partner into not talking to me for the reason of themselves making themselves appear more than and superior to me, instead of realising that I am participating within the construct of competition and comparison with other women, where I will feel good/superior/more than when I preceive that my partner would rather talk to me than other women, and I will feel inferior/less than/bad when I perceive that my partner would rather talk to other women than me.

When and as I see myself feeling superior/inferior to other women that my partner participates with and talks to, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a polarity construct of my mind in order to through separating myself from myself within these feelings create friction/energy for my mind to survive as ego, therefore I release the thougths/feelings with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.


I commit myself to through writing and self-corrective application release all points of comparison and competition to other women that my partner participates with and talks to, and all points of superiority/inferiority towards them, because I realise and understand that by participating within such constructs in my mind, I am generating energy for my mind to survive as ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure and frightened that my partner is in the process of becoming partners with another girl, whenever he is not there to talk to me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be reluctant to talk to my partner and communicate the whole truth of myself to him, whenever I become more interested in another man than my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when my partner is not around for me to talk to - in my mind make scenarios and guesses about what could have happened that my partner is not there for me to talk to, and go into fear and inferiority and feeling bad and less than, because my partner is not there for me to talk to, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind construct within which I generate fear within myself to feed my mind as ego, and I will feel relieved when my partner becomes available for me to talk to, and make myself feel like everything is ok again.


When and as I see myself generating fear within myself when my partner is not around to talk to, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a polarity construct of my mind, where I want to have control over my partner by talking to him, by which I am trying to ensure my future with him in terms of being with him and living with him and having financial support from him, and will feel inferior and less than, when I perceive that those things are in jeopardy when he is not around to talk to me, therefore I release the fear with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish for my partner to come back and as soon as possible to be available for me to talk to, so that I could feel comforted and rest assured that everything is fine again or manipulate him into acting/behaving so that I could make myself feel good and rest assured that everything is fine between us again, instead of realising that with this I am compromising myself, becuase I am making myself dependent on my partner/I am giving my power away to my perception of him in order to make myself feel good and generate good feeling within myself about us being together, not realising and understanding that within this I am participating within a polarity construct of my mind, where I feel scared of loosing my partner when he is not around for me to talk to (because when I talk to him I perceive that I have control over him and the situation and feel superior and more than), and I will feel safe and secure and assured that I will not loose my partner, whenever he is around to talk to.


When and as I see myself wishing/wanting to communicate with my partner, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that this want/desire is stemming from me wanting to have control over what my partner is doing and manipulating him into directions that I want him to go into in my self-interest, therefore I release the trigger point of the desire with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.


I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness release all points of wanting to have control and wanting to be able to manipulate my partner in my self-interest, because I realise and understand that by wanting to have control and wanting to be able to manipulate my partner in my self-interest, I am compromising both of us, because I am causing friction as separation within myself to generate energy for my mind to survive as ego through superiority as the perception of control over my partner, and I am causing separation between us by making myself superior to my partner within this, with which I put him into an inferior position, and am not considering and regarding him as an equal.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel safe/secure, good about myself and superior and more than, whenever I perceive that my partner is showing me that he likes me and wants to be with me, instead of realising that I am participating within a polarity construct where on the flip side I will feel bad about myself, insecure, unsafe, inferior and less than, whenever I perceive that my partner is disliking me and wants to leave me, within which I am separating myself from myself and all that is here by generating friction within myself for the creation of energy for my mind to survive as ego.


When and as I see myself feeling good in relation to my partner, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that this is me participating in my mind's relationship construct, where I will define/perceive my partner as special/more than/superior to other people to then make myself feel superior and more than for being in a partnership with him, thus separating myself from myself and all that is here in order to make myself experience more of myself as positivity and good feelings, with which I create friction within myself for the creation of energy for my mind to survive as ego, and I am not regarding my partner as an equal, but as 'special', which turns into the oposite polarity of hatred towards my partner, when he doesn't behave in ways that make me generate these good feelings within myself


I commit myself to through writing and self-corrective application stop and remove any and all feelings of both polarities towards my partner, and walk the process of birthing life from the physical with him as an equal until this is done

Day 54: Removing Jealousy - part three

Preventing my partner from talking to and participating with other girls

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to prevent my partner from talking to and participating with other girls because of my fear that he might get seduced by them and leave me for them, thus leaving me without a point of sex and security, instead of realising and understanding that this fear is coming from a point from within myself, where I allow myself (and all people in this world) to be such as to want to be able to seduce all members of the opposite sex in order to validate myself through feeling superior for being able to do that, no matter whether they are in a partnership or not, and completely disregarding and ignoring the partner of the person/people that I want to seduce to make myself feel superior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to get validation (in order to make myself feel superior/more than other women) from men that have girlfriends/wives/partners as desirable enough and worthy of the 'sin' of cheating on their partners with me or even leaving their partners for me, instead of realising that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I will feel superior, when I perceive that men find me desirable enough to mess with me sexually despite having a partner, and feel inferior, when I perceive that men do not find me desirable enough to mess with me sexually despite having a partner (and thus will want to compensate for that feeling of inferiority by trying to present myself as superior to their partner in terms of looks, knowledge/information, education, smartness, cuteness, world view), not realising and understanding that with participating in this construct I am the cause of separation as jealousy within myself and in this world and am abusing myself and other beings in order to get the energetic fix for my mind to survive as ego.

When and as I see myself wanting to get validation from men with partners as desirable enough to want to mess with me sexually, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that this need for validation from men with partners is coming from my mind that wants to constantly/continuously validate itself as superior to other women/people in order for me to experience more of myself as feeling positive and good about myself all the time, thus generating friction within myself to power itself for it's existence as ego, therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to be validated with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness and self-corrective application remove any and all points of wanting to be validated by men and specifically men with partners, because I realise and understand that by participating within the mind's construct of wanting/needing/desiring validation from men and men with partners specifically, I create and am the cause (self-)abuse as jealousy within myself and within this world, because I am comparing and competing with other women for the validation of men to feel more than/superior to other women, with which I am separating myself from myself and all that is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid and worry that my partner is not telling me the whole truth of himself and being honest with me all the time, instead of realising and understanding that this fear is coming from a point from within myself, where I would not communicate the whole truth of myself to my partner and other people in order to keep them appeased and liking me and not think bad about me, so that I could count on them being there for me in the future, not realising and understanding that I am making myself feel superior by granting myself the 'right' to lie to them and not tell them the whole truth of myself, within that justifying it with it 'being for their own good', which was a mask for my self-interest of not 'losing' them and keeping them around as a point of stability and safety in the future in case I need them to make myself feel good and do my biding, which I would ask of them in self-interest, thus abusing them to my advantage

When and as I see myself becoming reluctant to share myself in self-honesty and wanting to lie to people and not tell them the whole truth of myself in a given situation, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that this reluctance is stemming from me wanting to manipulate them in self-interest, because within doing what is best for all there are no resistances towards communicating myself openly and fully, therefore I release with self-forgiveness the trigger points of reluctance towards open communication and trigger points of wanting to lie to others, and direct myself in breath

I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness identify and remove all points where I would want to lie to others about myself and not communicate the whole truth of me, because I realise and understand that this kind of behaviour is what is causing the abuse in my/this world that is being justified with 'privacy' and 'secrecy'.

Day 53: Removing Jealousy - part two

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by jealousy, when and as my partner is talking to and about other girls/participating with other girls, and immediately feel inferior to them and fear that my partner will leave me for them, if they will want to be with him, and go into comparison and competition with them in my mind and anger towards my sexual partner because I perceive that he might leave me for them, instead of realising that I am reacting from a point from within where I will always be looking for sex with other men that I perceived as handsomer than my partner and always be looking for 'something better' in terms of looks/physical appearance, not realising that with this I am looking to validate myself in front of my friends/family/surroundings as 'worthy of a beautiful partner', which is a polarity construct of my mind, where I will feel superior if I 'have' and 'get' a partner that I define/perceive as 'good looking'/'beautiful', and feel inferior when I don't have a partner that I define/perceive as 'good looking'/'beautiful', and will always strive towards having a partner that is more than the previous partner, within this separating myself from myself and all that is here by wanting to make myself superior in terms of having a 'beautiful partner' in order to generate energy for my mind to survive as ego.

When and as I see myself becoming jealous, when my partner participates with and talks about other girls, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that in that moment I am fearing loosing my partner to those/other girls, which is actually my mind fearing loosing a point of definition/validation/identification for the creation of energy for itself to survive as ego, therefore I release the trigger point of jealousy with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness stop and release all points of validating/defining/identifying myself with my (sexual) partner, because I realise and understand that this is a polarity construct of my mind within which I will want to make myself superior to other people with my partner, and feel inferior to other people if I loose/don't have a partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forsake/forget about my sexual partner the moment 'something better' shows up in terms of a potential partner that I have defined as 'wealthier'/'handsomer'/'more beautiful' than my partner, and want to be with them and work towards being with them, not realising and understanding that I am doing this because I want to validate myself with this person/people in front of my family/friends/surroundings and make myself feel superior, with which I am separating myself from myself and all that is here, I am craeting friction within myself and my partner, thus generating energy for my mind to survive as ego.

When and as I see myself considering leaving and forgetting about my partner for someone that I have defined/perceived as 'better'/'handsomer'/'more beautiful'/'smarter', I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that this consideration is coming from my mind's desire to validate and define and identify myself in front of other people with a/my sexual partner and feel superior within myself, thus creating energy for my mind to survive as ego through friction/separation, within which I completely neglect and forsake another human being/my partner, I use/abuse him as a reserve point for my own self-interest of having sex/safety until I 'get something better to validate myself with', therefore I release the point of consideration of another partner with self-forgivness and direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to stopping and removing from within me any and all sexual desires and looking for more people to have sex with based on looks and money, because I realise and understand that this very construct in itself is the cause of jealousy and internal (and external) war.

Day 53: Removing Jealousy - part one

Here I continue walking the removal of Jealousy that I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

The self-forgiveness statements in brackets are the ones from my previous blog that my buddy expanded for me, which I then supported with self-corrective statements.

(I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of my sexual partner's ex girlfriends and compare myself with them and compete with them in terms of looks, intelligence and control over my sexualpartner as I had created the belief within and as myself through the comparisons that I made that I am less than my partners ex-girlfriends and through this being less I created and manifested jealousy within and as myself where I would become jealous if my partners ex-girlfriends came over to visit or just spoke to him as I would then feel that I have to compete not seeing realising and understanding that I am the one who started with the comparison and I am the one who is then competing against my own comparison that I had created within and as my mind.)

When and as I see myself feeling inferior and comparing myself and competing with my sexual partner's ex girlfriends, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I have made myself feel inferior to them, and will want to compensate for this feeling of inferiority through comparing and competing with them in order to make myself feel superior, which is a polarity construct of my mind with which I create friction to generate energy with which to feed my mind as ego, therefore I release the point of inferiority with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to through writing and self-corrective application stop all feelings of inferiority towards my partner's ex girlfriends, as I realise and understand that I am making myself unequal within myself and separating myself from all that is here by participating in such feelings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened by my sexual partner's ex girlfriends and give into fear of him liking them better than me, and that he might some day go back to them, because they are more wealthy than me.

(I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened by my sexual partner's ex girlfriends through my acceptance and allowance of me comparing myself to them within and as my mind and through this I would give into my fear of him liking them better than me, as my comparison within and as my mind told me that they are better than me, and through this I forgive myself that I would then fear that he might some day go back to them, because I had created the idea within and as my mind that people with wealth get the partners that they want, thus he will go to them because they are more wealthy than me.)

(I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to create an idea within and as my mind that only wealthy people get the people that they want to be with as this has been my application where I would seek out men who are wealthy and now on the flip side of the coin I fear that my partner will do the same, thus through this I now see, realise and understand that I am experiencing (fearing) exactly the pattern that I had accepted and allowed myself to become.)

When and as I see myself becoming fearful of my partner leaving me for a wealthier girl, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that this fear is coming from a point that I have allowed myself to be/become as one that seeks out wealthy people for partners to have perceived safety/security within this world, therefore I release the trigger point of this fear with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to be/become attracted to and seek out wealthy men, which I would define/perceive as my potential 'saviours', instead of realising that I am searching out wealthy men for/as my partners in order for me to not have to be self-responsible in terms of money, because I have created a resistance within myself towards making/earning money in this world, and have defined it as unfair to have to work for money, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be self-responsible in terms of making money and would rather shift that responsibility onto my partner, to be able to enjoy my life without having to slave away for it, instead of standing up within myself and working towards manifesting a reality where all people can equally enjoy our lives without having to slave away for it.

Safety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become jealous of people whom I perceive to have more safety and social security within the system, and make myself feel inferior to them, because I've created the perception within myself that they don't have to work as hard as me to survive in this world, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of those people because I've created the perception within myself that their life experience is much better than mine because of it, not realising and understanding that these are all perceptions of my mind with which I generate inferiority within myself, for which I will want to compensate with superiority as spitefulness and anger towards them, not realising and understanding that I am participating within a polarity construct with which I am feeding my mind as ego.

When and as I see myself becoming jealous and spiteful of people whom I perceive to have more social security and safety in the system than me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am separating myself from myself and all that is here by participating in such thoughts and making myself feel inferior and superior, thus creating energy for my mind to survive as ego, therefore I release the trigger point of jealousy toward people that I perceive as wealthier than myself and direct myself in breath.
I commit myself to through writing and self-corrective application stop all points of inferiority as jealousy towards people that I perceive as wealthier than myself, because I realise and understand that by participating within this construct of my mind, I am limiting myself within an energetic experience of myself, I am creating friction within myself and separating myself from myself and all that is here, and not allowing myself to express myself in equality within breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become angry with people whom I perceive as wealthier than myself for not wanting to share their wealth with all other people, not realising and understanding that with this feeling of anger I am compensating for my feelings of inferiority towards them, because I have defined them as more than me and superior to me for having a lot of money.

When and as I see myself becoming angry at and spiteful towards people with lots of money, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that by participating with this anger, I am trying to compensate for my self-created feelings of inferiority towards them, because I have accepted and allowed the belief to exist within me that people with more money are worth more and are superior in this world to people with less money, and thus get more attention and respect, and with these self-accepted definitions I have created/generated jealousy as inferiority within myself towards them, which I am trying to ballance out with anger and spitefulness as superiority, therefore I release the trigger point of anger and spitefulness with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to through writing and self-corrective application stop within myself all jealousy towards people with more money than me, because I realise and understand that jealousy is a self-created program that I have built up within myself to create energy for my mind to survive as ego, and by participating within this program I am limiting myself and not allowing myself to express myself in their vicinity in equality within breath.

Day 52: Jealousy

This is something that I've been avoiding within myself for the longest time due to accepted self-definitions acting as me, perceiving myself as an open minded person and not realising the whole relationship between energetic experiences and money. In this blog I'm sharing the surface that I've scratched with self-forgiveness, once I actually allowed myself to take a self-honest look at the point, which was only today, after the point has been nagging at me for several months. To be continued into absolute depths in blogs to come.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to claim to myself and persuade myself that I am not a jealous person, instead of realising that I am lying to myself, because I have defined jealousy to be negative, and I do not want to be perceived by others as negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of my sexual partner's ex girlfriends and compare myself with them and compete with them in terms of looks, intelligence and control over my sexualpartner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened by my sexual partner's ex girlfriends and give into fear of him liking them better than me, and that he might some day go back to them, because they are more wealthy than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jealous of girls who I perceive to have more money/wealth/social security than me, because I have defined them to be because of that more attractive to males than myself, because all attraction in this world is actually based on money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that my sexual partner is going to choose a girl who is more wealthy than me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at girls who have more money/social security than me, because I am afraid that my sexual partner will leave me for them, instead of realising that I am participating in a polarity construct, where I will feel diminished/inferior/less than if my partner leaves me for a wealthier girl, and feel superior/more than if my partner stays with me in spite of having the chance to be with a wealthier girl.

When and as I see myself becoming energetically involved in a polarity relationship construct of jealousy towards other women my partner participates with, I stop and I breathe. I do not allow myself to go into jealousy, as I realise and understand that jealousy is a form of fear that my partner will leave me and I won't have a point of security and ensured sex anymore, therefore I release the trigger point of jealousy with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to stop any and all points of jealousy within me, as I realise and understand that with jealousy I am creating friction within myself, because I am participating within a polarity construct of my mind, thus generating energy for my mind to survive as ego through superiority and inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within jealousy of my partner's ex girlfriends, as I realise and uderstand that I am fearing being perceived as inferior and less than them by my partner, thus making myself feel inferior and then blaming my partner for me making myself feel inferior.

Day 51: Fear of losing my sexual partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into ultimate fear when/as my sexual partner does not pick up the phone or replies to my messages, which stems from fear that he found somebody else and doesn't want to be with me anymore, instead of realising and understanding that I am validating myself through my perception of my partner wanting to be with me or not, not realising and understanding that I am playing into the relationship polarity construct of the mind, where I will feel good, if he wants to be with me, and feel bad if he doesn't want to be with me. I realise and understand that with participating in this construct, I am separating myself from myself and all that is here, and generating friction for the creation of energy for my mind to survive as ego.

When and as I see myself going into fear about loosing my sexual partner, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that this fear is my mind fearing that it will loose a point with with which to define itself as ego through superiority and inferiority, therefore I release the trigger point of the fear with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to stop defining myself with and through my sexual partner and my relationship with him, as I realise and understand that I do not need him to survive, only my mind does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become worried that my sexual partner doesn't like me anymore, when he is not answering his phone or answering to my messages, instead of realising that I am fearing loosing having sex with him and having someone to cuddle with in the future, not realising and understanding that this is a polarity construct of my mind, in which I will feel good, when I talk to my partner, because with that I am making sure that he likes me and will want to stay with me, and I will feel bad, whenever I percieve that he doesn't want to talk to me, because I perceive that it means that he doesn't like me anymore, therefore I start fearing that I might loose him. I realise and understand that by worrying about 'loosing my partner' (when he is not there for me to communicate with) I am separating myself from myself by judging myself asnot being good enough and believing that he is perceiving me this way, thus experiencing negativity and inferiority as unhappiness and fear of not being able to have sex with him in the future, for which I will want to compensate with superiority as anger at some point, to generate friction within myself to create energy for my mind to keep existing as ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to keep my sexual partner happy and satisfied and appeased in order for me to be able to always have him as a reserve point for sex and protection, in case I do not find anything that I would perceive as "better" than him, instead of realising and understanding that with this behaviour/thoughts I am separating myself from myself and all that is here, I am creating friction within myself and between us and I am creating energy for my mind to keep existing as ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to talk to/have conversations with my sexual partner from the starting point of making sure that he still likes me in order to make sure within myself that he will remain my reserve point for sex and protection, instead of realising that I am playing into my mind's polarity construct, within which I will experience negativity through judging myself as 'not good enough for him' and feel inferior and less than, when he doesn't respond in our conversations the way I would want him to in order to feel sure that he will remain my reserve point for sex and protection, and on the flip side I will experience more of myself as positivity and feel superior and more than, when he does repsond the way I want him to in order to feel secure that he still likes me and will remain a reserve point of sex and protection for me. I realise and understand that by playing into this construct with these thoughts and behaviour - I am compromising myself and our participation together, because it is not based in equality within breath, but in fear of loss of sex and protection, which are energies of my mind as ego. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of 'being alone' in terms of not having a reserve point for sex and protection in/as my sexual partner, instead of realising that I was and am always alone within and as myself, and this fear is only my mind fearing loosing a point with which to define itself and with which to create energy for itself to survive as ego, which is an energetic point in itself.

When and as I see myself going into fear of loosing my sexual partner as a (reserve) point for sex and protection, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that by participating in this fear, I am compromising andabusing my physical body of oneness and equality, by separating myself within myself through self-judgement and creating in fear iority as friction within myself to power my mind with energy to survive as ego, therefore I release the trigger point of this fear with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to through writing and self-corrective application stop and remove any and all points of my mind's dependency on my sexual partner, because I realise and understand that I do not need to be dependent on a sexual partner to stand within and as myself in breath in equality with myself and all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with my (sexual) partner for the attention and approval of our friends/parents/people we know together/groups that we participate in together, instead of realising that I am compromising myself and our participation together with this, because I am wanting to experience more of myself as positivity by generating friction within myself as the desire for superiority over my partner and the desire to be acknowledged by others as superior/equal to my partner and fear of being perceived as inferior/less than my partner, not realising and understanding that with this I am separating myself from myself and all that is here and creating energy for my mind to survive as ego, thus I am playing into a polarity construct of my mind, where I will feel superior if I perceive that I get more attention/approval from others than my partner, and feel inferior if/when I perceive that I am getting less attention/approval from others than my partner. I realise and understand that by comparing myself to my sexual partner, I am compromising myself by judging myself, within which I separate myself from myself and all that is here into a mind dimension, therefore when and as I see myself comparing to my partner in any way, I stop and I breathe - I release the point ofcomparison with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to through writing and self-corrective application stop and remove all comparison and competition within myself, because I realise and understand that by competing and comparing I create friction within myself to create energy for my mind to survive as ego, and within that I am separating myself from my physical body of oneness and equality and abusing it to create energy, as well as separate myself from all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at my sexual partner, whenever I see/perceive that he is doing something else than what he told me he is doing, instead of realising that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, within which I will experience negativity (when/as I perceive that he is lying to me and not telling me the truth about what he is doing) by separating myself from myself through juding myself as not being perceived as trustworthy by my partner and validating myself through this self-created perception of how my partner is perceiving me, and I will make myself feel inferior - create friction within myself to power my mind with energy to survive as ego. On the other side of the construct I will experience positivity, when I see/perceive that my partner told me the truth, by separating myself from myself and all that is here through feeling superior/more than, and validate myself through this self-created perception that I am being perceived as trustwhorthy by my partner, within which I will create a 'special relationship' between us in my mind with the perception that I can have more 'trust' within my relationship with my sexual partner than with other people, not realising and understanding that by participating in this construct, I am supporting and enforcing inequality and separation within myself and in this world.

When and as I see myself reacting positive or negative within a point of 'trust' towards my sexual partner/friends/family/people that I have defined as 'more than others' in my world, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that by participating with such thoughts, I am separating myself from myself and all that is here by creating a point of 'specialness' and 'superiority' of those people above other people in this world, with which I create friction in order to feed my mind energy to survive as ego, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to through writing and self-corrective application stop and remove any and all definitions of 'trust' with other people that I have, as I realise and understand that 'trust' between me and others is a point of separation through which I make myself feel inferior and/or superior to feed my mind as ego, and it is the cause of the abuse caused with/through secrecy in this world. I also realise and understand that self-trust in directing myself in breath is the only valid point of trust in this existence.

Day 50: SF on reactions to my sexual partner

Today I was feeling awfully tired all day long. I didn't go outside any, because I had to do a translation. I was quite distracted all day long with thoughts of my sexual partner, future projections of him coming to visit in the weekend. I wasn't really concentrated on my work, and it took for fucking ever for me to translate something that I normally would have done in three hours. So when he told me, that he might not be able to make it, I went into a reaction, which I felt in my stomach as fear and anger, so I wrote out these:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience inferiority and define it as anger at my sexual partner, whenever I see and perceive that he doesn't want to come to me to have sex, and that he makes excuses as to why he can't make it, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to prove to my sexual partner that I know that he is talking bullshit and that I know what is going on, instead of realising that with this I am trying to compensate with superiority for the inferiority that I am generating within myself because things are not going my way, and thus I am playing into the polarity relationship construct of fighting with my sexual partner, with which I am generating friction for the creation of energy for my mind to survive as Ego.

When and as I see myself becoming energetically affected by my sexual partner's decisions and what I perceive as his self-dishonesty, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that by allowing myself to become energetically affected, I am playing into a polarity construct of my mind in order to generate friction for the creation of energy for my mind to survive as Ego within the goal of acquiring my self-interest, therefore I commit myself to release the trigger point with writing and self-forgiveness and self-corrective application and direct myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become scared that I am not the centerpoint of my partner's existence, when and as he tells me that he doesn't know if he will be able to visit me, or when he says that he won't come to visit, instead of realising and understanding that with this I am separating myself from myself and all that is here by making myself inferior and experiencing negativity as friction for the creation of energy for my mind, which comes from the belief "I should be superior to other women in the eyes of my partner" not being supported by my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and annoyed whenever my partner says that he cannot make it and come and visit me, instead of realising that I am wanting him to come in order for me to feel good, positive, experience more of myself with him, not realising and understanding that with this I am playing into my mind's polarity construct of feeling good/positive when I'm around my sexual partner, and experiencing negativity and feeling bad and incomplete and miss him, when he is not around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lacking, left out and inferior, whenever my partner says he cannot visit me, instead of remaining here in breath and directing myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner is lying to me and making excuses and blaming the system that he cannot come, and that his true intentions are hidden from me, instead of realising that I am being suspicious of him because I am valuing myself through his willingness to give me attention in spite of his duties.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately be suspicios of my sexual partner, when he says that he cannot come and visit, instead of realising that this is me feeling inferior and insulted, because he's not willing to sacrifice fulfilling his duties in order to come and see me, which is what I was readily doing in order to see my sexual partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to readily give up on fulfilling my duties within the system and compromise myself with this in order to have sex with my partner, instead of realising that I am readily playing into my mind's polarity construct, within which I am striving to experience more of myself by having sex, thus separating myself from myself and all that is here in order to generate friction for energy for my mind to survive as ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner should give me undivided and unconditional attention and be willing to come and visit me in spite of his system duties, instead of realising that I am forcing him to give me attention in order for me to feel superior and wanted, thus I am playing into a polarity construct of my mind, where I feel inferior if I see/perceive my partner to not be willing to drop everything and run to me in order to have sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into fantasies about how it would be, if I were to live together with my sexual partner, instead of realising that I am wanting this in order to not have to be absolutely self-responsible and take care of myself on my own, but within a partnership, because I perceive such life to be easier than living alone, not realising and understanding that within this I am abdicating my self-responsibility and inhibiting myself to take absolute responsibility for my life and the consequences of my choices, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of taking absolute responsibility for the consequences of my choices, instead of realising that being afraid and worried about them is not going to change or help the outcome, only inhibit me from directing myself effectively through them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up energies within myself as expectations and projections of how it will be, when my sexual partner visits, instead of realising that I am giving into a mind dimension, I am living in the future and am not here, breathing.

When and as I see myself having expectations and projecting how it will be when my sexual partner visits, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am creating energetic yearning within myself, within which I feel inferior and incomplete, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel crushed and beaten, whenever my sexual partner says that he will not be able to make it and come and visit me, and immediately go into inferiority as suspicion that my partner is not giving me the real reasons for this, isntead of realising that I am projecting a point that I carry within myself, within which I would lie to my partner about my true intentions to have sex with other men in order to keep him apeased so that I could always have him as a reserve point for sex and protection.

To be continued with me picking up this pattern from my mother.