Day 168: Rendering myself inactive with perfectionism paranoia

It was suggested to me to write a blog (series) about paranoia on beauty and physical appearance. I immediately went into fear and self-doubt about whether I’ll be able to do this effectively and whether other people are going to understand my writings and whether they’ll see me as more than for having such “deep insight”. I allowed these thoughts and fears to fester. I have neglected my daily writings, and caught myself in the same vicious loop of being inactive that I’ve been living since forever - the loop of simply not doing something because of fear and self-doubt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and self-doubt, whenever someone asks me to do something that I have not done before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing new things and trying out new things due to being afraid that I might not excel at them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that everything I do must be perfect, or it is not worth even trying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I would do less than perfect, if I tried out a new thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have perfect results with everything that I do, so that I would be praised by other people for being so good at things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things and try out new things with the starting point of being praised by other people for my results, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed my mind with energy by feeling positive, whenever someone praises me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crave other people’s appraisal for the things that I do in life, instead of me being the starting point of doing things for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself for being inactive and not writing blogs regularly every day, instead of realizing and understanding that I am giving into anger, because I feel helpless and worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel worthless, whenever I do not know how to do something, instead of assisting and supporting myself to try and find a way to learn how to do things that I do not know how to do yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself, and think/believe/perceive that I am unable to do something, just because I haven’t learned it yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I will be having problems with learning how to do new things, instead of realizing and understanding that I have accepted within myself the opinion/perception/belief about myself that I have trouble learning and that I am not a capable learner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as an incapable learner, instead of realizing and understanding that learning is a result of putting in the effort and time to assist and support myself to learn something. I realize and understand that if I assist and support myself efficiently and put in enough time to learn something, then I will learn it – it is only a matter of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from having to do new things, because I’m afraid of failure, by claiming to myself that I am a bad learner anyway and it is not even worth trying to learn to do something new.

When and as I see myself wanting to avoid doing new things and learning how to do new things, I stop and I breathe. I realize and understand that I am compromising myself by wanting to do things perfectly, even the first time, or not do them at all, therefore I release the trigger point of avoidance with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath and do not allow myself to go into self-doubt and want/need/desire to do the new thing perfectly, because I realize and understand that wanting to do something perfect is stemming from my desire for other people’s approval and appraisal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lazy and to feel lazy, whenever I should be learning or doing something new, instead of realizing and understanding that this laziness is actually my fear of not having perfect results, and the underlying fear of being criticized and the underlying desire to be praised.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be praised by other people for the results of the things that I do, which I have built up in childhood, where I was praised by my teachers and mother as a very bright child, which I then took as condition that I must justify by having perfect results, and if I cannot do that, I would rather not try at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crave/want/need/desire to have my father’s appraisal and approval, for him to be proud of me, so that I could have some positive experiences with him, instead of having to fear him all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my father’s response about the things that I am doing and the results that I am getting. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to do everything perfectly, so that my father would not be angry with me for not doing it perfectly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take what I perceive to be other people’s inactivity and laziness about process as an excuse for my own inactivity and laziness, instead of realizing and understanding that I am comparing and within that compromising myself and my own process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loop and spiral into weeks of inactivity due to fear of the unknown, whenever I have to do something new, and the fear of failure, instead of realizing and understanding that the longer I wait for myself, the more unwanted consequences I’ll have to deal with for not having taken responsibility immediately when I had the chance.

Whenever I see myself making up excuses and feeling too lazy or too tired or too busy to write a blog and do some self-forgiveness every day, I stop and I breathe. I realize and understand that by not moving forward in my process every day, I take steps backwards and render myself useless and ineffective. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to skip writing and doing process with self-forgiveness, and I direct myself in breath towards completing my daily writing and working through points, because I realize and understand that otherwise I will allow myself to unnecessarily loop and fall in life.

I commit myself to through writing and self-corrective application stop wasting my own time and stop running away from having to face myself by playing games and entertaining myself with watching movies and series as a compensation for the work for money that I have to do and define as less pleasant than the entertainment part (with which I balance the work), because I realize and understand that I am wasting time with only my own definitions and perceptions of how things are, thus I realize and understand that writing out and removing those perceptions and definitions with self-forgiveness is crucial, because then I stop defining things as positive and negative, with which I enable myself to do things that are necessary and need to be done in order to manifest a reality that is best for all.

Day 167: Grown ups are unstable and unpredictable monsters to children

When I was little, my mother and father tried to get me to say "thank you" to the nice lady that sold ice cream. I didn't want to do it, so they first yelled at me, and then punished me by throwing away the ice cream they had just bought for me. They didn't bother investigating, why it was that I didn't want to communicate with that lady. They simply saw me as stubborn and impolite.

The truth is that I didn't want to interact with grown ups, because I was horribly afraid of them, starting with my own parents. In one moment they would be nice and ok, and then all of the sudden they'd demand something from me, and if I failed to comply for whatever reason, be it not wanting to do it or not knowing how to do it, they'd turn into yelling monsters. The fear of them diminished as I grew up and learned more about the behavioural patterns that are accepted in this world, but before I did, I was absolutely terrified of them, because there was simply no stability and no way of predicting how they would react in new and unknown situations I constantly found myself in as a growing up child, a tabula rasa.

So if my own parents, whom I knew best and were closest to me of all grown ups, were like that, then what could I expect from grown ups whom I didn't even remotely know? They could jump at me any minute for something that I did, or failed to do, therefore I was absolutely terrified of them and didn't enjoy their company one bit.

Every child goes through this. I realised how monstrous and impossible the world of grown ups is, when I saw myself becoming angry with a 2 yr old girl I was babysitting . I stopped myself immediately, because I was already doing process back then, but most grown ups around children are not, and the consequences of that are horrifying. The situation was as follows: the little girl threw some food on the floor, and I felt anger coming up, because I had to get up and clean the floor. To a grown up that would seem as a perfectly normal reaction. But from the child's perspective, who has no concept of "dirt", "germs", "tidiness" and "cleanliness", let alone "work", "tiredness" and "duty", a grown up screaming at them for dropping food on the floor is an absolutely horrifying experience. There's the child, completely oblivious to those concepts, simply doing the physical act of throwing a piece of food on the floor and watching it land, just as it does with toys. It's interesting to the child to see how it lands, because children learn about their surroundings by testing out the physical effects of their body on stuff around them. So they drop something, just like numerous times before that, when the grown up didn't react, only this time, in this case with food, they get yelled at by a grown up, which absolutely horrifies them. So they become "educated" by remembering that throwing toys on the floor is ok, but throwing food will cause the big human to scream and yell and become completely different from what they were a moment ago. Only much much later in life will they find out why food on the floor is a no-no. Until then, they'll simply act within a reference frame of fear of  the big human, and will therefore many times not dare do something that would expand their horizons and understanding of this physical existence.

Grown ups are unpredictable monsters to children, and the fact that children eventually do learn why grown ups behave the way they do, is of little solace, because by then they adopt those same ways of behaviour, rendering themselves into the same sub- and unconscious fear driven biological robots as their parents are. This is a vicious cycle of human existence, and it should really stop.

If you're a parent, I warmly suggest walking the Desteni I Process in order to stabilize oneself and be able to bring up a child that can trust you and not be afraid of you, thus empowering their critical thinking and investigation, and not just turning them into another societal sheep that is conditioned by fear.

Day 166: VIP

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/equate happiness with having important and famous friends, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value people who are perceived as important and famous in this world as more than and superior to others, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my own mind's polarity construct, where I feel less than and inferior to people, who are perceived as important and famous in this world, and therefore wish to feel superior and more than others by making friends with those "important and famous" people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have "famous and important" friends, so that I could define/perceive myself as important, and could easily manipulate others in self-interest, because they would perceive me as important for having important friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yearn for importance, and want/need/desire to experience myself as someone important in this world, instead of realising and understanding that by wanting to be important, I am wanting to be superior and thus I am negating and not considering the equality and interconnectedness of all beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that being important and/or having "important" friends in life will make my life easier and more comfortable, and will open up all doors for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have "important" friends in order to be able to use those/my VIP connections to make my own life easier within the system by simply being able to say a name in relation to myself and have all doors open for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy and be jealous of people, whom I perceive to have important friends and/or who are important themselves, because I thought/believed/perceived that they have it easier in life, and that everyone loves and adores them for being important and/or famous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be adored, admired and loved myself by being an "important person", instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where on the flip side I make myself feel unimportant and inferior, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as unimportant and feel inferior for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that having important friends will give me extra value in the eyes of others, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive people with "important" friends as more than, superior and more valuable than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive famous people as more important and more valuable than others in this world, instead of realising and understanding that this is how I support inequality within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be a member of this worlds 

"high society", so that I could make myself feel and perceive/define myself as more than and superior to others, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating in my mind's imagination, because all people are physically equal, and "more important" and "less important" are only constructs of my mind with which I support the inequality between people in this world.

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive the human being to be more important and superior to all other beings, instead of realising and understanding that I am supporting the inequality of all living beings by allowing this perception to exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of not being important in this world, instead of realising and understanding that I am equating and perceiving importance as a trait that will help me have an easier life due to other people helping me and assisting me, within which I abdicate my absolute self-responsibility for my life and my survival within this system.

When and as I see myself wanting to be important and/or wanting to have important friends and/or wanting to be able to socialize with people whom I perceive to be important and famous in this world, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating in my mind's construct of believing and perceiving that mingling with "important and famous" people will make my life easier and more fun, which I realise is an abdication of my full self-responsibility and self-sufficiency, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern about "important and famous" people with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath in awareness that no being on this planet is physically more important than another.

I commit myself to through self-investigative writing and self-forgiveness stop and remove all my perceptions/definitions/beliefs of importance and about "important and famous" people, because I realise and understand that wanting to be important and perceiving some beings as more important than others, I am participating in and allowing a polarity construct of the mind in order to generate energy for it to exist as ego, in which I want to abdicate my self-responsibility due to my perception that "important and famous" people have easier lives than myself, which I realise and understand is a fuckup, because they physically breathe and move the same as me, and everything else, such as "easier and more comfortable life" than my own is just a perception of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be "important and famous", so that men would easier be infatuated with me, fall in love with me, and that I could experience myself as more desirable and have easy access to sex and admiration from all men. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive "important and famous" people as more desirable and sexually attractive than "regular people", instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's construct of believing and perceiving that those people have easier lives, and if I were to be sexually and emotionally involved with such people, I would have an easier life as well, which is all but an abdication of my self-responsibility.

When and as I see myself being sexually attracted to a "famous and/or important" person, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's construct, where I perceive and define those people as more attractive because I perceive that they have easier lives, and am being attracted by their lavish lifestyles, which I allow myself to desire, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath in awareness that the perceptions of my mind about those people and their lives do not reflect physical reality, only the perceptional reality of the human, which is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sexually attracted by famous men and want/need/desire to have their lavish lifestyles, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's construct of "class", which I have built up from data input from my family, the media and my surroundings, and am wanting to actualize my fantasies of having a classy lifestyle.

When and as I see myself defining and perceiving something or someone as "more classy" and "less classy", I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I feel inferior to people whom I perceive to be classier than me, and superior to people whom I perceive less classy than me, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself feel superior by defining/perceiving myself as more classy than others, and by telling other people/my partner  that they have no class, instead of realising and understanding that whenever I do this, I do it from a feeling of inferiority, which I then try to balance out with superiority, therefore when I notice myself wanting to feel superior to another by using class and classiness, I stop and I breathe. I investigate the feeling of inferiority with which I caused this reaction within myself, release it with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath within awareness that classiness and class are fuckups of the human mind that enforce inequality.

Day 165: More self-forgiveness on Mother

My mother recently asked me for help. I said I'd do it under the condition that she starts her process. She promised she would, but after a while it became apparent that she's doing it only to satisfy my demand. She wrote a few blogs in the beginning, and I was absolutely thrilled, because I saw self-honesty in them. I told her that, and that was probably the fuckup - she relaxed and started writing half-assed blogs, and then after a while they completely ceased.

I was quite busy for a while, so I didn't pay much attention to what she was doing, but one day I got a breather and I checked it out. When I saw what happened, I completely freaked out. Multiple thoughts started arising in my head of her "bad deeds" in life, and then anger at her for wanting me to help her in life after she had done all those bad deeds. I freaked out, called her and told her that I can see her deception, and that for every day she continues with it, the due date her receiving my help will prolong, so that if she in the end receives my help too late, it will be entirely her own fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obliged to help my mother only because she is my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire my mother to beg for mercy for what she has done to me, instead of realising and understanding that i am participating within a mind polarity construct, where i have in the past felt defeated and betrayed by my mother and I felt inferior to her, and now want to feel superior to her by wanting her to beg and cry for mercy and forgiveness for what she had done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to punish my mother for what I perceive to be the bad deeds that she had done onto me in my life, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within the revenge construct, where I want to compensate with feeling superior to my mother by punishing her for the feelings of inferiority that I allowed within myself, when I perceived her to be haring me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my mother harmed me in the past, instead of realising and understanding that by allowing myself to feel harmed by her, I am giving in to self-pity and abdicating my full self-responsibility for what I accept and allow to come up within my own mind.

When and as I see myself remembering past occurrences with my mother, where I perceive to have been harmed by her, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that holding on to bad memories of experiences with my mother only powers my mind as ego within the polarity construct of love and hate, superiority and inferiority, where I will pity myself and abdicate my self-responsibility to that feeling and allow that feeling to define me, therefore I release with self-forgiveness the trigger point of remembering past occurrences with my mother where I perceive to have been harmed by her and the thought pattern triggered by those memories, and I direct myself in breath towards what is best for all within awareness that holding onto such memories is an abdication of self-responsibility for who I am in every breath.

I commit myself to through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application stop and remove all my feeling and emotional definitions, thoughts, memories of and towards my mother, because I realise and understand that my mother is not responsible for who I allow myself to be in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be able to run to my mother for protection and advice and consolation, whenever I feel bad, instead of realising and understanding that within wanting my mother's protection I am abdicating my self-responsibility for directing myself in breath with common sense and abdicating my self-direction onto her, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel cheated by my mother, because I perceived that she didn't provide me with protection and guidance, instead of realising that I am giving into self-pity and allowing myself to define myself as a poor thing for not having had what i perceive to be a good mother.

Day 164: Understanding Hitler and ourselves

In the first part of this video there is a rap battle between Hitler and Vader. When asked, who won, the viewers mostly chose Vader, because, as one simply and plainly put it - they just didn't want it to be Hitler. They didn't say why.

This is what an automated mind response looks like. We have been conditioned to believe and perceive Hitler to be the single most evil and bad individual in the history of human kind. Which is funny, because Hitler himself never actually killed any of the people that were murdered under his reign. It was done by his followers.

We like to judge Hitler, because we do not understand the situation that was going on. When hating on Hitler, we do not actually stop for a moment to remember or learn that before the war he actually saved an absolutely ruined Germany and lifted it's people from a devastating crisis by fixing the economy and creating jobs for everyone to be able to feed their families. 
But something went terribly awry, and he went nuts, absolutely bonkers. He started having ludicrous ideas, for which we oh so like to judge him and hate on him. But was this poor mad person, who lost his grasp on reality, to blame? Or are his followers to blame, who without questioning chose to carry out the mad ideas of an obviously mentally compromised individual? Where in this equation is the real crazy?

Is the so-called elite of rich people to blame for the state of this world, or is it us, who choose to blindly and automatically, without questioning, carry on executing the necessary mechanisms for this abusive world system to continue existing as it does? After all, we're all in this together, aren't we?

Start questioning and explore the alternative.

Day 163: Food=Love=Safety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have validation and recognition from my classmates and teachers in school in terms of getting feedback from them, which I could use to make myself feel good about myself, and define/perceive myself to be popular, smart, loved by everyone and desired by my male counterparts in order to compensate for the feeling of unpopularity that I made myself feel at home, which I felt because I wasn't getting the recognition and validation from my father that I wanted, which I wanted in order to feel like I have a safe place where I can come and hide in I need to do so in my life, because I perceived that I cannot rely and count on my mother to give me safe haven.

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I saw that I wouldn't get the desired recognition and validation from my classmates in order to make myself feel good, more than, popular and desired by males, close off from company into my own little world, where I would then read and play games and watch tv and eat in order to escape the reality of this reality, where I perceived myself to be unpopular and perceived by others as a weirdo.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that other people were seeing/perceiving me as a weirdo and a looser, instead of realising and understanding that I had labeled myself that way due to my perception that I wasn't able to fit in and communicate with the cool kids.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to run away from this reality and my self-responsibility within it towards myself and the planet and all that is here with eating and entertaining myself with watching tv, browsing the internet, playing games and working, instead of realising and understanding that I am compromising myself within this pattern.

When and as I see myself wanting to indulge myself in terms of running away from this reality by means of using entertainment, such as watching tv, playing games and browsing the internet, work and eating, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind thought pattern of running away from having to face myself in self-honesty in every breath, and I am using food in order to enhance my experience. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to run away and not face myself with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards facing myself in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use food as an enhancer of my good experience, because I have defined food to be the ultimate enjoyment in life and an expression of love towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from food within my belief/perception that eating food is the ultimate enjoyment in life and an expression of love towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use food and eating food in order to compensate for the love that I perceived I was lacking/not getting in my childhood from my parents, especially my father, and later in life from my partners.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I perceive that my partner is not giving me love, because I have defined giving love to be different from what he is showing me, to compensate that expression of love from my partner with eating food and in that way giving myself love, instead of realising and understanding that I am separating myself from love even further by wanting my partner to show me love, which I have built my own picture/perception of through movies and input form my surroundings, and am even further separating myself from love by compensating the love that I perceive I wasn't getting from my partner with food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate/define/perceive eating food with loving myself, instead of realising and understanding that I am separating myself from myself, food and love at the same time within this perception.

I realise and understand that food does not give me love, and that I have been harming and compromising myself by trying to feel loved by eating food, therefore I commit myself to stop and remove all my perceptions of food being a comforter and a giver of love, and to use it strictly for the physical support that my body needs in order to function properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive love as my partner doing everything that I want him to do, obeying my every desire as a command, hugging me and kissing me all the time, always regarding me when he's passing me, and always telling me that he loves me and that I am his whole world, and always wanting to have sex with me, thus making me feel desirable, instead of realising and understanding that I have built up this perception of love through fairy tales, tv shows and movies and data input from my surroundings, not realising and understanding that within these perceptions and definitions  I am separating myself from love, myself and all that is here into an imaginary mind dimension which can never be satisfied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resort to eating food in order to make myself feel loved, whenever I perceived that my partner wasn't meeting my standards of behaviour towards me in terms of love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from love within my desire to feel loved by my partner, instead of realising and understanding that I am looking to love myself, and I perceived that I can only love myself through my perceptions of my partner's love towards me, therefore when those perceptions were not met, I would not love myself and would therefore resort to eating food in order to make myself feel loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to get the love from my partner that I perceived I never got form my father, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a secret spitefulness towards my partner because I equated and perceived them as a substitute for my father, and because I never felt loved and appreciated by my father, I moved those behavioural patterns onto the relationship with my partner, where no matter how much my partner would try to show me appreciation, I would still feel unappreciated, because what I didn't realise was that I wasn't really having a relationship with my partner, but was only mimicking with him the relationship that I had with my father, in which I accepted and allowed myself to always feel belittled, not appreciated and abandoned.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I have never in fact had a relationship with my partners, but have only transferred the behavioural relationship patterns from the relationship with my father onto my relationships with my partners, thus dooming the relationships to failure, because there was no way that I could ever feel loved within them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from love, appreciation and caring within my desire/want/need to feel loved, appreciated and cared for by my father, instead of realising and understanding that within this desire I am separating myself from myself and my self-responsibility to take care of myself in terms of surviving within this world, and my self-responsibility to love, appreciate and care for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want /desire that I could always rely on my parents/partner for money and shelter, so that I wouldn't have to get those things for myself, because I perceived and defined getting money and shelter for myself and being self-responsible in terms of survival in this world as hard, arduous and unpleasant. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for my parents/partner to show me love, appreciation and care and worry, so that I could make myself feel like I can rely on them in the future for survival without having to do anything in terms of making money, but could emotionally manipulate them into caring for me.

When and as I see myself wanting my parents(mother)/partner to express love for me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am wanting this because I want them to ensure my survival in the future, within which I abdicate my absolute self-responsibility for doing that, therefore I release the trigger point and thought patterns with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath in absolute self-responsibility towards myself and my survival within this world and manifesting a world that is best for all in terms of helping implement the equal money system.

I commit myself to stop and remove all wants/needs/desires to feel loved and perceive that I am loved, because I realise and understand that this desire for love is my masked fear of survival and absolute self-responsibility, therefore I commit myself to thoroughly and fully investigate and remove my fear of survival thus fear of death.

In high school I was desperate for validation from boys and recognition from other people, especially in my class, but I perceived that I wasn't getting any, so I decided to isolate myself from it, and not look for it, thus suppressing the desire for it and taking on a kind of "fuckit" attitude. I enjoyed myself most when I was alone by myself eating food; that was when I felt happiest and most content and least threatened. So food was my way of making myself feel good and happy.

Eating due to having a fuckit attitude, to compensate for the love that I feel I am not getting from my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate and sad and hopeless inside, whenever I was indulging in food in order to make myself feel better, because I thought that every bite of that food will make me fatter, and give me even less chance to feel loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always eat with fear of getting fat, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming even more fat and therefore never experiencing that love and being desired by males in my surroundings. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to perceive that I am desired by males in my surroundings in order to be able to validate myself and feel superior about myself and feel safe in terms of having many options of being with many males that could take care of me in terms of survival, not realising and understanding that I am within this running away from my absolute self-responsibility and am reacting in fear of survival thus fear of death.

When and as I see myself wanting to perceive that men find me desirable, and feeling frustrated and angry because I am not able to do so due to my fat body, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that within wanting to be desirable I am looking to abdicate my absolute self-responsibility and wanting to lead a comfortable life without having to do anything for it, therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to feel desirable and the trigger point of frustration about my body's fat with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards removing all thoughts with which I want to abdicate my absolute self-responsibility and having to face myself in self-honesty in every breath.

I commit myself to stopping and removing my desire to be perceived as desirable, because I realise and understand that I am within this desire abdicating my self-responsibility for my own survival in the system and looking to have a comfortable life in a world where people starve to death, which is unacceptable, therefore I commit myself to face myself in self-honesty in every breath and work on myself with self-forgiveness and SCA in order to eventually globally manifest heaven on earth for everyone as the EMS.

Day 162: "Don't touch my stuff without my Permission!"

I've always considered myself to be a "generous person" who would always share things, and even sometimes give away things to another, and be left without myself. How generous. Only, it is not, because it was always done in self-interest, the self-interest being that I wanted to define/perceive myself as a "generous person", so that I could make myself feel superior to and more than others in my mind, which is not real sharing because of seeing another as oneself, but sharing from the starting point of being more than the other. What a fuckup.

I noticed myself reacting to someone taking something of mine without asking for it. I had absolutely no need for it in that moment, and if they hadn't taken it, it would just sit there, unused. But I reacted anyway, because it was -mine-. I know fully well what impudent stupidity it is to limit another's access to something that they need in a moment just for the sake of claiming ownership of it, but there I was, reacting inside like it was a matter of life and death. These feelings inside every human being are exactly what causes global starvation, conflicts and wars for resources. This is why we deny each other access to basic living accessories and necessities, because we either claim ownership or want to claim it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with annoyance, resentment, anger and frustration, whenever I see/perceive that someone has taken something from me or used something that I claim as mine, instead of realising and understanding that I do the same thing, only I justify it with "they don't need it at this moment, and I will buy them a new one", not realising and understanding what a hypocrite I am every time I energetically react to something that someone does which I do as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is rude for someone to take/use something that I claim as mine (especially when I am not using it), instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind construct, which I have built up a long time ago, when my parents and surroundings taught me the concept of ownership and having to politely ask and wait for permission in order to use/take something that was not considered to be mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like people need to ask my permission in order to use/take things that I claim ownership over, even when I am not using them, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disrespected, angry, frustrated and resentful, when they do not ask my permission before taking/using it, instead of realising and understanding that I am reacting this way because I feel like I have been denied courtesy and consideration of my feelings, because I want to feel regarded and considered, thus superior, when I give the permission for my stuff to be used.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself and define myself as a generous person, whenever I am asked to give/lend something that I claim ownership over, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for others, especially those borrowing/taking/using, to perceive me as a generous person, so that I could make myself feel superior in my mind and define myself as a good person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am a good person, whenever I give permission for something of "mine" to be used/taken by another, instead of realising and understanding that I am in that moment not in fact considering the other as an equal, but am considering myself as superior to them for allowing them to use/take my stuff. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and often give to others something that I myself needed to have/use, just for the sake of being able to feel like a good person, like a superior and generous human, instead of realising and understanding how I am in fact harming and compromising myself in order to satisfy my ego's need for feelings of superiority and validation as a good and generous person, within which I also often did more damage than good, because I would allow and give permission for something that wasn't necessarily good, but I would allow it in order to make myself feel good about myself.

When and as I see myself wanting to give more to another than I am able to just for the sake of feeling good about myself afterwards, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, within which I will feel bad for giving away something that I myself needed and will also feel good about myself for "helping another", not realising and understanding that I am in that moment not regarding myself and the other as equals, but am looking to fulfil and satisfy my ego's desire for superiority, and will after that action expect the same in return, thus doing it from a starting point of self-interest - doing a favour in order to receive a favour - not regarding the reality of the situation and what is best for me in the context of what is best for all. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to feel good by giving to others with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for me in the context of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect people to return the favours/actions/things/money/words that I "give" and "bestow" upon them, instead of realising and understanding that I am having this expectation because of self-interest, fear of the future, within which I do not absolutely rely on myself but am expecting to be able to rely on others, which is not absolute self-responsibility and self-sufficiency, thus making another "in my debt" and creating the feeling within myself of another being in my debt and feeling superior about it and thinking that I have the right to claim reciprocity whenever I damn well please.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed, angry, sad, resentful and frustrated, whenever I perceive that I cannot claim reciprocity of a favour that I did to another, instead of realising and understanding that I am feeling this way because I have not regarded doing the favour in equality, but did it in self-interest in order to once be able to materialise/monetise that favour back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry, resentful, frustrated and sad, whenever I perceive that someone is not returning, doesn't want to, or cannot return a favour that I did for them, instead of realising and understanding that I am feeling this way, because I had expectations and tied that person in my mind to myself as being in debt to me, thus not regarding them as an equal but as my inferior.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all energetic mind reactions and thought patterns about giving/lending/doing favours to others, and to remove all my expectations of reciprocity in those cases, because I realise and understand that if I have expectations and feelings/thoughts of them being indebted to me, I am not regarding them or the situation in equality, but am only looking to satisfy my ego's demand for superiority, and powering my mind as ego with superiority and inferiority about and within the subject.

I realise and understand that "give as you would like to receive" doesn't mean that I have the right to claim reciprocity of what I am giving and in essence hold another hostage to reciprocating what I have done for them, but implies the consideration of being able to ask for assistance and support in equality, when that is required.

I realise and understand that having energetic emotional reactions to someone taking/lending/using things that I claim ownership over is the cause of humanity denying access to life-supporting resources between individuals, therefore I commit myself to remove all energetic reactions about the subject that come up in my mind with self-forgiveness and direct myself within consideration of what is best for all.

I realise and understand that "claiming ownership" is a ridiculous concept on this one enclosed planet, where everything and everyone is interconnected, therefore I commit myself to thoroughly investigate my own perceptions and definitions about ownership, and remove them with self-forgiveness. I also realise and understand that claiming ownership is a consequence of fear of survival due to living in a system, where not everything is equally accessible and available to all, therefore I commit myself to investigate and remove those fears of survival from myself (because they are limiting my interaction, communication and perception of others as equal beings), and direct myself in consideration of what is best for all and towards manifesting a reality in which all beings are considered as equals as Life, and have therefore unlimited access to everything that supports and assists Physical Life and not the delusional mind of fears.