Day 168: Rendering myself inactive with perfectionism paranoia

It was suggested to me to write a blog (series) about paranoia on beauty and physical appearance. I immediately went into fear and self-doubt about whether I’ll be able to do this effectively and whether other people are going to understand my writings and whether they’ll see me as more than for having such “deep insight”. I allowed these thoughts and fears to fester. I have neglected my daily writings, and caught myself in the same vicious loop of being inactive that I’ve been living since forever - the loop of simply not doing something because of fear and self-doubt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and self-doubt, whenever someone asks me to do something that I have not done before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing new things and trying out new things due to being afraid that I might not excel at them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that everything I do must be perfect, or it is not worth even trying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I would do less than perfect, if I tried out a new thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have perfect results with everything that I do, so that I would be praised by other people for being so good at things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things and try out new things with the starting point of being praised by other people for my results, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed my mind with energy by feeling positive, whenever someone praises me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crave other people’s appraisal for the things that I do in life, instead of me being the starting point of doing things for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself for being inactive and not writing blogs regularly every day, instead of realizing and understanding that I am giving into anger, because I feel helpless and worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel worthless, whenever I do not know how to do something, instead of assisting and supporting myself to try and find a way to learn how to do things that I do not know how to do yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself, and think/believe/perceive that I am unable to do something, just because I haven’t learned it yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I will be having problems with learning how to do new things, instead of realizing and understanding that I have accepted within myself the opinion/perception/belief about myself that I have trouble learning and that I am not a capable learner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as an incapable learner, instead of realizing and understanding that learning is a result of putting in the effort and time to assist and support myself to learn something. I realize and understand that if I assist and support myself efficiently and put in enough time to learn something, then I will learn it – it is only a matter of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from having to do new things, because I’m afraid of failure, by claiming to myself that I am a bad learner anyway and it is not even worth trying to learn to do something new.

When and as I see myself wanting to avoid doing new things and learning how to do new things, I stop and I breathe. I realize and understand that I am compromising myself by wanting to do things perfectly, even the first time, or not do them at all, therefore I release the trigger point of avoidance with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath and do not allow myself to go into self-doubt and want/need/desire to do the new thing perfectly, because I realize and understand that wanting to do something perfect is stemming from my desire for other people’s approval and appraisal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lazy and to feel lazy, whenever I should be learning or doing something new, instead of realizing and understanding that this laziness is actually my fear of not having perfect results, and the underlying fear of being criticized and the underlying desire to be praised.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be praised by other people for the results of the things that I do, which I have built up in childhood, where I was praised by my teachers and mother as a very bright child, which I then took as condition that I must justify by having perfect results, and if I cannot do that, I would rather not try at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crave/want/need/desire to have my father’s appraisal and approval, for him to be proud of me, so that I could have some positive experiences with him, instead of having to fear him all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my father’s response about the things that I am doing and the results that I am getting. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to do everything perfectly, so that my father would not be angry with me for not doing it perfectly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take what I perceive to be other people’s inactivity and laziness about process as an excuse for my own inactivity and laziness, instead of realizing and understanding that I am comparing and within that compromising myself and my own process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loop and spiral into weeks of inactivity due to fear of the unknown, whenever I have to do something new, and the fear of failure, instead of realizing and understanding that the longer I wait for myself, the more unwanted consequences I’ll have to deal with for not having taken responsibility immediately when I had the chance.

Whenever I see myself making up excuses and feeling too lazy or too tired or too busy to write a blog and do some self-forgiveness every day, I stop and I breathe. I realize and understand that by not moving forward in my process every day, I take steps backwards and render myself useless and ineffective. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to skip writing and doing process with self-forgiveness, and I direct myself in breath towards completing my daily writing and working through points, because I realize and understand that otherwise I will allow myself to unnecessarily loop and fall in life.

I commit myself to through writing and self-corrective application stop wasting my own time and stop running away from having to face myself by playing games and entertaining myself with watching movies and series as a compensation for the work for money that I have to do and define as less pleasant than the entertainment part (with which I balance the work), because I realize and understand that I am wasting time with only my own definitions and perceptions of how things are, thus I realize and understand that writing out and removing those perceptions and definitions with self-forgiveness is crucial, because then I stop defining things as positive and negative, with which I enable myself to do things that are necessary and need to be done in order to manifest a reality that is best for all.