Sunday, 30 June 2013

Day 170: "I am not like my mother!"



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and avoid being and becoming like my mother. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become like my mother anyway, and have her "escapades" serve as an excuse for my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my mother as pathetic and sad due to needing my help, because of my belief that parents should be a source of stability and support for their children, and not the other way around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have financially and psychologically stable parents, to whom I could turn for stability and support, whenever I feel in need of them, instead of realising and understanding that within this I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility by wanting to have parents that I could run to away from myself and my self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with my mother and act spitefully towards her and want/need/desire to deny her my help because I perceive her to be weak and to be a less than an exemplary parent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that children should be able to rely on their parents all their lives, even after coming of age, instead of realising and understanding that I am within this belief looking for an excuse and reason to not take absolute self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, disinterest, annoyance, resentfulness, frustration and spitefulness, whenever my mother asks me for help, because I feel like it is unfair for her to ask my help, when I perceive that she didn't do a good job in being a parent, and now I perceive her to be the same freeloader I always perceived her to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/perceive/define my mother as a lazy freeloader, who is not willing to work for a decent survival of her children, but would rather have and make fun only for herself no matter the consequences to others, instead of realising and understanding that I am projecting a part of myself onto her, because I too carry a very selfish part within myself, where I would put my own indulgences and energetic addictions before the actual physical needs of other beings, which I can observe every time I pass a "less fortunate" than myself, and do not share with them everything I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that a mother should always consider and regard her children first, before everyone else, even herself, and to label/define/judge/perceive a mother, who doesn't do so, as a bad mother, as one that does not deserve to be helped by her children, when they come of age.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to promise help to  my mother if she does process, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated, angry, annoyed and resentful, when I see/perceive that my mother is doing process from the starting point of making me happy in order to get my help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remember all the bad memories and instances, where I perceived that my mother has hurt me, whenever I talk to her, especially, when she is asking my help, and then use these memories within myself to justify and excuse my reluctance to help her, instead of allowing myself to have a blank clean slate and a common sense outlook on my mother's situation without allowing the polarity driven memories about my experiences with my mother, which I have not released yet, to dictate and direct my responses to her situation.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally let go of all the polarity driven memories that I use in order to generate the characters of the personality, within which I communicate and participate with my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into blame and resentment towards my mother, whenever she asks me for help, in order for me to not have to take responsibility to help her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for my mother to leave me alone and not ask me for help, because I perceive/define helping my mother to be a hassle, and I perceive that if I help her, she will not appreciate or respect it anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be appreciated and respected by my mother/parents/family/siblings/friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to help my mother from the starting point of wanting to get her respect and appreciation. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always feel unappreciated and disrespected by my mother because I perceive that she was being self-indulgent and always put her own wants/needs/desires before my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my mother doesn't respect of appreciate me, because I perceive she never cared to take care of my needs before her own self-indulgent behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive/judge/label my mother as a self-indulgent bitch, instead of realising that I am the self-indulgent bitch, who is projecting parts of myself onto her, and feeling superior within it, since "I do not have children that need my care and attention, which I am then not giving them, which is what my mother behaved like".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry within myself a constantly and continuously running underlying hatred for my mother, because I perceived/believed/thought that she didn't make an effort in order to provide her children with a dignified life, but instead counted on them to provide that for her, instead of realising and understanding that I am projecting myself onto her, because I myself was counting on other people including my mother to provide me with a dignified life, within which I was running away from my own self-responsibility to provide myself with a dignified life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to count on other people in my life - my parents, siblings, family, relatives, friends and partner - to provide a dignified life for me, and then react with resentment, anger, frustration, spitefulness and hatred, whenever I perceived that this didn't happen, instead of realising and understanding that within this I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility to provide a dignified life for myself.

When and as I see myself reacting negatively or positively in interaction and participation with my mother, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that in that moment I am projecting onto her a part of myself that I have not yet dealt with, therefore I investigate the trigger point and release the thought/behavioural pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath with common sense towards what is best for both my mother and me in the given situation.

I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application stop and remove all my memories and consequential reactions to my mother, because I realise and understand that as long as I have reactions towards her, I am not standing and directing myself in stability and clarity, but am participating with/through my mind as ego.

I commit myself to observing myself, when interacting, talking to and participating with my mother, and immediately writing out the memories and reactions that come up within me, because I realise and understand that by doing so, I will gain clarity and self-direction necessary for directing the situation at hand and assisting and supporting myself and my mother as myself, instead of denying her my help due to spitefulness based on the polarity of memories of the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect my mother to always behave as she did, when I felt happy and content with having her around, where she devoted her time to me, spent time with me, and wasn't drunk, instead of realising and understanding that by having expectations of my mother to always behave in a way that makes me happy and content, I am setting myself up for disappointments and resentment and hatred towards my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  define/perceive my mother to be a cool mother, when she wasn't drunk, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire for my mother to always be sober and act like the "caring" mothers on TV, and show interest in how I am doing in my life and show interest in my school and grades, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind polarity construct of wishing to have the perfect mother and wishing to feel superior to other kids/my friends for having a perfect mother and being able to brag about it, and on the flip side feeling inferior for not having these experiences that I have come up with in my head about my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my mother as not caring and not loving and not attentive enough for me to want to help her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to swear to myself that I will never be like my mother, and hate being compared to her, instead of realising and understanding that this is so, because I am like my mother, and am projecting myself on her, and this is why I hate her. I realise and understand that for me to clear myself of energetic reactions towards my mother, I must release from myself the points that I judge in her, with which I will give myself a stable and clear outlook and self-direction in communication and participation with my mother.

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