Friday, 29 June 2012

Day 3: Money and relationships

I am absolutely going out of my mind, because my agreement partner has chosen to go back into an exclusive relationship. He knows it is wrong, but she's richer than me. It's much more comfortable to stay with her, where it is safe, and I am jealous, because I don't have that safety. I feel  so insulted, I feel betrayed, I cannot find the words to explain how unfair all of this is, but that's capitalism and capitalistic self-interest. I would have done the same before process - I'd disregard people with no money, and give all my attention to people with enough money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sad, because I have to move away from x.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry, because I have to move away from x.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as sick of having to move around constantly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards my partner for choosing to be with someone else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to persuade my partner to not leave me and abandon me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as abandoned, when my partner breaks off our agreement/relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insulted, betrayed and incredulous, when my partner chooses to break up with me and go into another relationship due to self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for relationships due to capitalistic self-interest of having material safety in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to punch my partner and physically punish him, because I perceive that he is abandoning me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to punish my partner and wish harm upon him, because I perceive that he is abandoning me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish harm upon the girl for whom my partner is leaving me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for a partner who is well suited within this system, so that I would be comfortable and safe and wouldn't have to do anything about the situation in the world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for safety with people who are well suited in this system, instead of realising that they are safe, because someone else gets abused and is unsafe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to without questioning think/believe/perceive that I can only make myself safe in this world, and that I cannot do anything for anyone else but myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for safety in partnerships so that I wouldn't have to stand up within myself for equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world system in which not all are equally safe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself, because I perceive that I have no safety in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself, because I perceive that I have no one to turn to but myself in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have someone whom I could turn to in moments, when I perceive that I am unsafe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience spitefulness, jealousy and envy, whenever I see a couple that is making each other safe in this world, and feel sorry for myself, because I have no one to lie to that I'll love them forever in order to secure myself safety in the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to my partners that I will love them forever, because I was afraid of not having material safety in the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mask my self-interest for being safe as love towards my partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself that I love my partner, when I am not in fact allowing him to expand with other people, and am holding him in my grips, because I am afraid that I will not find anyone else who will like me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of not being able to find a partner in this world with whom I will be able to build up safety for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise and limit myself and my partner with jealousy and exclusivity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have my partner only to myself, because I feel insecure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that if I do not hold on to my partner exclusively, I will feel diminished and less than.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished, inferior and less than, whenever my partner wants to be with other people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as worried and insecure, whenever my partner wants to be with other people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will never find someone else, and therefore limit and compromise myself and my partner within an exclusive and abusing relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my partner in order to make myself feel superior, more than and cherished and loved in this world, instead of me cherishing and loving myself first.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love and cherish myself through my partner, instead of giving those things directly to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have enough money with which I could bind my partner emotionally to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy presents for my partner in order to bind him emotionally to myself and ensure that he will not leave me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to extort my partner with money, and want to force him into staying with me by giving or not giving him money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use money and manipulate with it openly and covertly in order to make my partner stay with me due to my insecurities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of people, who have enough money and material safety to be able to manipulate other people with it into liking them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like people, who have money, more than people who do not have money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard people who have no money as people who are not worth hanging with, because I perceive that there is nothing they can give me, if they are poor.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more attention and respect to people with money, because I am hoping to have their assistance and be in their good grace for the future, if I ever need their help and support.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed money to determine, create and direct the relationships that  I have with other people.

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