Thursday, 28 June 2012

Day 1: Violence and anger in relationships

Today I started this blog, as per Bernard's suggestion, in order to investigate and clear my starting point for wanting to have an agreement with my agreement partner, who is being forced and manipulated with suicide into being with another girl.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at x for forcing and manipulating x into being in an exclusive relationship with her by threatening that she will kill herself.


I used to do this as well. I used to force and manipulate my partner into doing things for me against his will, and every time I succeeded, which was almost always, I felt powerful, like a winner, superior and more than.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to threaten my partner that I will kill myself, if he doesn't do as I say.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force my partner into doing things against his will by threatening that I will kill myself otherwise.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior, more than, as a winner and powerful, whenever I manipulated my partner into doing something for me by threatening that I will kill myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless, whenever my partner called me out and challenged me to kill myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to overpower men by threatening that I will kill myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the claim that I will kill myself, although I knew that I don't mean it and that it is just a method of manipulation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make another being be worried about me, and  with that manipulate them into doing stuff that I want them to do.


I used to be a monster, and I feel a lot of remourse for the manipulations of men that I did in the past. I caused my ex boyfriend a lot of grief.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel remourseful  about my past emotional manipulations of men.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about the emotional manipulating that I did in the past, instead of realising that remourse is a feeling that is preventing me from taking full self responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel remourse for what I did to x.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for x for the things that I have done to him in the past, instead of writing myself out and clearing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for causing my ex bf so much grief, instead of writing myself out and clearing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about the emotional and physical abuse that I have caused within my first relationship, instead of clearing myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as angry and violent towards my partner, whenever he doesn't want to comply with what I want him to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be able to control what my partner does, and manipulate him emotionally and with physical violence into doing what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become physically violent towards my partner within our relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as physical violence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a violent person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed violence to exist within and as me. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed physical violence to exist within and as me. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of being a violent person. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel remourse and shame for my past violent escapades.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as a violent person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by violence every time I do not get what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I will get what I want if I use violence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use (physical) violence in order to get what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be violent and have violent thoughts about people, whenever they are not complying with what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my surroundings into doing what I want with violence.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  exist within and as violence towards myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be violent towards myself, whenever I do not succeed within something that I wanted to succeed in.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I cannot control and stop the violence that I feel coming up inside me, whenever something doesn't go my way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed violence to come up within me, whenever something doesn't go my way.


When and as I notice violence coming up within me, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to become violent. Instead I look at the point in self-honesty, release it with self-forgiveness and direct myself within common sense in oneness and equality towards what is best for all.


I commit myself to stop violence within and as me.


The violence comes from anger.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as an angry person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use anger in order to manipulate other people into doing what I want them to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with anger into doing things that are required of me within the system.


I used to get angry at myself for not making an effort to succeed in school/the system.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become angry, whenever I perceive that things are not going my way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become angry with myself, whenever I perceive that things are not going my way. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my anger  to scare people into doing what I want them to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make other people scared of me, so that they would do what I want them to do.


When and as I see myself wanting to manipulate people with my anger into being scared of me  and complying with what I want, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to manipulate with anger and fear. Instead I look at the point in self-honesty, I release it with self-forgiveness, and I direct myself within common sense in oneness and equality towards what is best for all.


I commit myself to stop manipulating other people and myself with anger and fear.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my father for being a violent person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my father as a violent person, and be afraid of him for it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pick up my father's angry behavioural pattern.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my father for making me a violent person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my father/parents made me a violent person, instead of realising that I have made myself that way with accepting and allowing anger and violence to exist within me.


I STOP being an angry and violent person.
I STOP allowing angry and violent thoughts within me.
I DO NOT ALLOW any angry and/or violent thoughts to exist within me.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Hilda,
    Thank you very much for sharing your journey to life with us.
    As someone trying to overcome oscillating patterns of co-dependency and cerebral narcissism, I see how I came to be this way trying to escape from and oblige with my quarrelling parents as a child.
    I also see such patterns are fed by fear, a general sense of insecurity and lack of forgiveness and acceptance.
    Your posts help me demystify my own psyche.
    Keep on blogging !!!

    Regards,
    Nikhilesh

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