Thursday, 28 June 2012

Day 2: Looking for safety in relationships

I had a fallout with my agreement partner. We started fighting because I got taken over by the fear of not having safety in the future, because I have absolutely nothing to fall back on in terms of material safety.

When I moved in with a Destonian, I was under the impression that we will assist and support each other, because that's what Desteni stands for and that's what Destonians do. But slowly but surely I realised that this is not the case, that calling oneself a Destonian means absolutely nothing. One can call oneself Destonian and still cause much harm with not wanting to stop and write oneself out. This was very evident today, when my partner got so angry, and didn't want to stop himself, that it almost came down to a physical fight. He was absolutely possessed and spiteful, and started making fun of my fear of being alone and having nothing.

Which was always my biggest fear since childhood, and it manifested. My family had fallen apart quite some time ago when my father died, and since then I've been moving around to various rooms in various apartments. The only things that I really have is a job and my process. So when I moved in with a Destonian, I thought I was finally home, where assistance and support would come in equality. Boy was I wrong. I'm currently being squeezed out of this agreement by a girl who has everything in terms of material safety, but wants to take this away from me anyway.

He is absolutely under her influence, and it bothers me, because he does not consider us equally at all... she has everything, I have nothing, and he'll still give it all to her, and leave me to fend for myself as before, before he used me for his own self-interest - to move in with him and help him pay for a nice apartment. Only trouble is that in the beginning he didn't tell me that he plans to go to study, and that we'll have to move out in a years time. He told me when it was all said and done, when I had already moved to another city with him. I was completely taken aback that he didn't consider me, and that situation repeated itself a few times - him doing/deciding something that affects me - behind my back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to my partner and look for material safety in partnerships.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of/feel sorry for myself for not having a family to be safe in.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate family with safety.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive Destonians as family and think/believe/perceive that they will assist and support me, as long as we all do process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive Destonians as benevolent, kind and understanding.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for a family that I could fit into, so that I would have material safety and security in the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself because I have no family and material safety of one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous and envious of people who have material safety and families in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am less than and inferior to other people, because I do not have a family or material safety in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to have a family and material safety in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I cannot survive in this world if I don't have material safety and a family.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive having a family and a place to live as having safety.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am not safe if I don't have a family and a place to live.

As I was writing, I noticed that I blame him for giving in to her conditions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner and be angry with him, when he decides to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and be angry with the girl, who is taking over my partner for an exclusive relationship for herself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous and spiteful of the girl who I perceive is taking over my (agreement) partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself, because I perceive that my agreement partner will not take into consideration my situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner that he doesn't want to take me into consideration.
Because that is not true, he's simply trying to balance between equality and self-interest. He promised to help me with moving in with them, and he also defended me, when it came to gossiping about me. Only later did he become possessed by anger so much, that he started making fun of my fears. As I tried to calm him, he was becoming more and more possessed by anger, and I couldn't stop myself from trying to calm him either, because I was wanting for us to talk normally again, and for everything to be ok. It all escalated so far that he wanted to leave the apartment, and I locked the door and hid the key, so that he wouldn't leave but calm himself down, which resulted in him threatening to hit me. It was interesting to observe how effective my self-forgiveness from the previous blog was, because I did not become violent, not one bit. I suggested to him to read the blog, but he was so possessed by anger that he refused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight with my partner, because I feel insecure and threatened and scared of not having safety in the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for my partner to assist and support me in the future, because I do not have anywhere to go.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of living on my own without a partner and not being able to pay for all the living costs and expenses.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that if I live alone and pay for everything myself, my quality of life is diminished, because I have less money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have a comfortable life with material safety, instead of realising that I already have that, since I live in a world, where half of the population is living in poverty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sick of living in poverty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as poor, instead of realising that I still have a roof over my head.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself, because I have no family house to go to and be safe from the big bad world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive this world as big and bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being completely alone in this world in terms of having to fend for myself without anyone's help.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive it as difficult to fend for oneself and live alone in this world.

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