Day 214: Putting things off

One of my most prominent and tenacious behaviour patterns is procrastination. I remember once writing a blog on it with self-forgiveness, where I was forgiving myself for procrastinating, but afterwards I didn't change. Today I realised why. Because I am not living the word procrastination. This is an English word that is only part of my knowledge. I know what it means and I know how to use it, but I don't say to myself: "I'm gonna procrastinate now." What I do live is the statement: "I don't feel like it right now." There's many other statements that make up my procrastination pattern, like:
"I still have time to do it.
I will do it later.
If I don't do it now, the consequences are not going to be that bad, I hope.
I will do this first thing in the morning, but now I am going to do something I enjoy."
I'm going to tackle this pattern for real now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, whenever I have work, duties and obligations, and feel resistance towards doing them, use the statements "I do not feel like it right now, I still have time to do it, I will do it later, I hope the consequences are not going to be that bad if I don't do it now, I will do this first thing in the morning, but now I am going to do something I enjoy" in order to persuade myself and justify not doing them immediately.

When and as I see myself trying to use those statements to persuade myself into and justify not doing my work, obligations and duties, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am compromising myself and the quality of my life by putting off my work until the last minute, where I will often be late with completing it, therefore I commit myself to push myself and push through the resistance I might be feeling to get the work done in time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for excuses, justifications and explanations for why it is ok for me to be late with work or fulfilling my obligations/duties.

I've always taken my duties and obligations lightly, ever since elementary school. I never really took them seriously, I never really worried about them, because all my capacity for worrying was used up by the situation at home. Compared to what was going on at home, the consequences of not doing my schoolwork on time seemed laughably small. I used to worry that my mother one day simply wouldn't come home anymore. Schoolwork was the last thing on my mind. That is why I never developed self-discipline.
In my teenage years I started using the situation at home as an excuse to not do my schoolwork or to get special treatment, when I learned that teachers and adults in general tend to be more lenient, when they know what is going on in my life. I remember being really surprised, when this method didn't work on our social worker in high school.
This all lead to me never developing real working skills, which is biting me in the ass today, and I want to rectify it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself for having a hard situation at home, and in that feeling sorry for myself say "fuckit, I'm not going to do my obligations, what's the point anyway", not realising and understanding at the time that I should be doing my schoolwork for myself and not because it is being asked of me by adults.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my obligations/duties/work lightly and avoid doing them until the last minute or until it is already too late.

When and as I see myself wanting to wait with my duties/work/obligations and wanting to put them off to a later time, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am with this sort of behaviour compromising myself, because other people involved usually do not have the patience/understanding for why I am being late with my work, therefore I commit myself to breathe through the resistance towards work and direct myself towards doing it in the first possible time slot I have available for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my life situation as hard in order to use it as an excuse to not do my work/duties/obligations immediately when I have the chance.

When and as I see myself trying to justify and look for excuses for not doing my work/duties/obligations immediately when I can by perceiving that my life situation is hard, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am with this compromising my own life and well-being, therefore I commit  myself to removing the excuses, stabilizing myself in breath and directing myself towards getting my work done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/think/perceive that I am not an organized person and that I lack self-discipline to do all my work on time, instead of realising and understanding that I am creating myself to be that way by believing it, therefore I commit myself to immediately stop myself with breath, when I notice myself thinking this about myself, and directing myself towards completing my work in the necessary time frame.

I also always had a great resistance towards schedules, because I perceive that they take freedom and spontaneity away from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate and loathe schedules and scheduling my days, my life, because I perceived/believed that scheduling takes the freedom and spontaneity out of life. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist making schedules for myself, instead of realising and understanding that they make life a lot easier, because then I can follow a list instead of deciding in the moment what I will be doing next, and losing time with it.

When and as I see myself resisting making a schedule for myself, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that making a schedule will make things much easier for me, therefore I commit myself to remove my resistances and direct myself to make the schedule and follow it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am a person who does not enjoy following schedules, not realising and understanding that I am manifesting and creating myself that way, thus I am limiting myself to a set of beliefs about what I should or shouldn't do, enjoy and be like.

When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that I do not enjoy making and following schedules, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I have never given myself the opportunity to expand myself by making schedules for myself and see how they impact my life, therefore I commit myself to try scheduling out for myself.

In the next blog I will be focusing on my tendency to not follow schedules and previously made arrangements with other people.

Day 213: The Middle of a Conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated, anxious and feel lost and trapped, whenever I perceive that I have little time and still need to work, but am not working due to some other activity I'm participating in.

When and as I see myself becoming emotional, irritated, anxious and feel lost and trapped due to perceiving that I am short on time, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am not helping myself by being emotional, but am in fact wasting even more time by being emotional about it, therefore I commit myself to stay here in breath and do not allow myself to dwell on the fact that I have little time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like other people are wasting my time, and them blame them for it, whenever I talk to them while having little time to spare, and the conversation is not taking the direction that I want it to take, instead of realising and understanding that I am the one that chooses what I will be doing with my time and am therefore fully responsible for organizing it.

When and as I see myself wanting to blame others for 'wasting my time', I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am fully responsible for arranging and organizing my time so I spend it as efficiently as I can, and by blaming others I am only trying to shift this responsibility onto them, thus I am taking my power over it away from myself. Therefore I commit myself to not go into blame towards other people for wasting my time, but direct myself in breath and prioritize my time with common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless and hopeless, whenever I participate in a (group) conversation, where things seem to have slipped out of hand and a conflict seems to arise. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to yell at the participants to stop it, and think/believe/perceive that this is the only way to stop a conflict from happening. I also forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my ability to resolve a conflict between people in a calm and civilized way.

I realise and understand that I would only be fueling the fire of conflict more by participating with yelling, therefore I commit myself to, whenever I see a conflict arising in a group around me, to ground myself with breathing and direct the conversation back to common sense with self-trust that I am able to do it.

I forgive myself  that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with annoyance and want/need/desire to lash out at people and shout at them, whenever I perceive that I am doing everything in my power to resolve issues in a calm and civilised way, instead of realising and understanding that I am in that moment participating with superiority by thinking how calm and civilised I am, and am then being bewildered as to why it is not working, start feeling inferior and want to compensate for that by lashing out, thus taking a superior stance. This all is then my participation within and as ego that is looking for energy.

When and as I see myself becoming annoyed that my calm approach to a conflict is not working, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am only trying to appear calm, but am in fact participating within and as ego wanting to direct others and take credit for it's/my 'efficiency'. Therefore I commit myself to stop myself first, ground myself with breath and direct myself with common sense towards what is best for all, thus I assess whether it is beneficial to all to keep participating in the conversation in that moment or not.

Day 212: Reactions towards knowledge and information that I do not agree with

A friend shared information about a herbalist who claims to be able to cure any disease with administering the right herbal mix. The friend quoted the herbalist, and the quote was in my perspective a bunch of words that were put together to sound educated to people who have no scientific training whatsoever. There were big words in the quote, but when put together, they don't really mean a damn thing to someone who really understands them. I reacted to this with anger, annoyance and frustration. I hate the fact that people can be so easily manipulated into believing anything simply because they lack the basic education/understanding on how things work. And I hate the fact that other people know this and use it to their advantage to make money on people who are desperate.

In all this it became apparent how different people see things differently according to their exposure to knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, hatred, frustration, resentment, annoyance, whenever I see/perceive that someone is trying to scam people for money by using words that sound scientific, but in my view aren't. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to attack those words and destroy them, in that attacking the one who is saying them by labeling them as ignorant and uneducated, not realising and understanding that I am in that moment putting myself in a superior position because I apparently understand those words, and am thus not taking into consideration the other participant as an equal but as someone who is less than me for not understanding the words like I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insulted and infuriated, whenever I perceive that someone is trying to manipulate me and people in general with knowledge that I have some understanding of and do not agree with what is being said.

When and as I see myself reacting with anger due to hearing knowledge/information that I do not agree with and deem to be inaccurate, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that if I go into debate about the accurateness of the knowledge, I am playing a knowledge/information based power play in order to feed energy to my mind as ego. Therefore I commit myself to not reacting with anger anymore when I hear information I do not agree with, but remain here in breath and direct myself in common sense towards what is best for all and take into consideration the other person/people and their understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with being incredulous and wanting to make fun of someone saying something that I do not agree with, not realising and understanding that I am doing so because I feel inferior because I perceive that the other person thinks that I am dumb enough to buy what they are saying, thus I am trying to compensate for the feeling of inferiority by trying to subdue the other person with making fun of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with the statement "Do you expect me to believe this" either in thoughts or words, whenever someone is presenting to me knowledge/information that I do not agree with or have trouble accepting because it is outside of my scope of knowledge, instead of realising and understanding that I am in that moment feeling inferior because I perceive that I lack something in order to be on the same page with what the person is saying.

When and as I see myself feeling incredulous about someone trying to present something to me that i do not agree with, and reacting with the words "do you expect me to believe this", I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am trying to compensate with superiority the feeling of inferiority I experience whenever I am not on the same page with the person presenting the knowledge, therefore I commit myself to breathe, not allow myself to go into inferiority, but stay here and direct myself with common sense.

I commit myself to take a step back and breathe, whenever I hear knowledge and information that I do not agree with and I commit myself to stopping and removing my reactions of taking it personally whenever someone is presenting to me knowledge and information that I do not agree with, because I realise and understand that by taking it personally, I am trapping myself into an energetic power play where I will try to persuade the other person into adopting my knowledge and information and way of thinking, thus try to subdue them and will not regard them as equals, which I realise is unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with hatred and anger and resentment, frustration and annoyance towards people whom I perceive to be trying to scam other people out of their money by using big words that those other people do not fully understand, and label such people as evil and abusive, instead of realising and understanding that I am taking the 'moral high ground' and making myself superior to them in my mind, thus feeding my mind as ego energy.

When and as I see myself reacting with anger towards people whom I perceive are trying to scam other people out of their money, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment taking the moral high ground, trying to be superior to those people by labeling them as scammers, as evil and not to be trusted, not realising and understanding that they are just as much trying to survive in this world as anyone else. Therefore I commit myself to stopping and removing all my energetic reactions to those people and directing myself in breath with common sense towards what is best for all.

Day 211: Deconstructing resentment towards my mother - continuation

This is a continuation to my previous blog. In this blog I will be focusing on me blaming my mother for the past in order to have the 'upper hand' in arguments with her, to manipulate her and subdue her. I have been participating in this pattern extensively throughout my life with all the people in my reality, and it became very apparent for me within communication with my mother, therefore I will apply self-forgiveness for the general point.

I will also write forgiveness for/to my mother in this blog. The need for this came up in a heated conversation with her and she asked me to do it, and I recognize the need for it in order to clear up things within myself and in our relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, whenever I perceive that my mother/someone has done something unto me that I don't like, to go into inferiority and remember past occurrences of conflicts between me and her/that person, use these memories to charge myself with negative emotional energy and lash out at her/the person with the information of the memories in order to have the upper hand in the conflict with the goal of subduing her/them, making/forcing her/them do or say what I want her/them to do and say in order to make me feel good, not realising and understanding that I am trying to compensate for the feeling of inferiority that I felt during the conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it easy to, when in conflicts (my mother), manipulate her/people with what I perceive to be her/their mistakes and transgressions from the past, especially people close to me like my family members and partners, not realising and understanding that I am deliberately hurting them in order to compensate for the feeling of being hurt myself, not realising and understanding that within that I am making them responsible for the way I feel instead of taking full responsibility for creating whatever is going on within me and thus empowering myself to change that within myself instead of trying to manipulate my surroundings (by bringing up the past) into adjusting to me.

When and as I see myself participating in a conflict and wanting to bring up the past in order to win the conflict, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am acting out from inferiority, which I'm generating myself, therefore I commit myself to investigate and clear up the feeling of inferiority within myself and to not lash out at people by bringing up the past and try to manipulate them so that I would feel superior and compensate for the feeling of inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in conflicts assume the position of a victim, someone that had something be done unto, and use that as a justification to lash out at other people participating in the conflict by bringing up the past to feel superior to compensate for feeling inferior/as a victim, not realising and understanding that I am trapping myself into an energetic ping pong game for the sake of generating energy for my mind as ego and staying limited within the confines of my own mind, where I do not consider/regard the other being(s) as equals, but am abusively using them to build my ego, be right, be the winner.

When and as I see myself feeling like a victim, as if something 'unfair' is being done to me by someone else (and therefore wanting to bring up the past in order to manipulate the other into feeling bad so that I would feel good, superior, as a winner), I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am limiting myself in that moment and not seeing all that is here in equality, but building up energy for my mind to survive as ego. Therefore I commit myself to not allowing myself to go into the experience of feeling like a victim of another and feeling like something unfair is being done to me, rather I stay here in breath and direct myself in common sense towards what is best for all.

--

I forgive my mother for not effectively directing me to develop my talents for dancing, singing and music into skills that I could use in life. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my mother was neglectful in not doing so, not realising and understanding that she was acting in the belief that she is allowing me to make my own choices by not directing me herself.

I forgive my mother and father for being/behaving spiteful and sarcastic towards me because they perceived that I loved my grandmother more than them. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt by my parent's sarcasm and apparent spitefulness, not realising and understanding their starting point for doing so, and therefore developing within me a deep resentment towards them, instead of realising and understanding that they were fighting a battle for my love and appreciation that they were perceiving to be losing and therefore resorted to the hateful polarity of love.

I forgive my mother for physically hitting me and yelling at me, when I was child, and having what I perceived as evil remarks towards me. I realise and understand that my mother was acting out her programming that she took over from her own parents and surroundings and at that time had no directive principle over how she behaved towards me.

I forgive my mother for always taking care of other people's children at a party first, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt by MY mother apparently putting other children higher on her priority list than me, not realising and understanding that within doing so, I was building and developing my mind as ego, where I would perceive that I should have priority over other children in my mother's life.

I forgive my mother for becoming and being an alcoholic and thereby fortifying the abusive nature of her communication with me. I also forgive my mother for not keeping her promises, especially her promise to stop drinking. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel personally diminished, hurt and violated by her not keeping her promise, because I would build up hope within me that things are going to change in our relationship, and then felt disappointed when they didn't due to her not keeping her promises, not realising and understanding that I am conditioning my inner experience of myself with an outside factor, thus abdicating my responsibility for the way I feel, for the feelings/emotions I am generating within myself.

Day 210: Deconstructing resentment towards my mother

Recently my mother and I had to spend a few days together, and I was having a lot of reactions that I had not cleared up yet because we haven't spent that much time together in years. Out of sight, out of mind. So in this one and the next few blogs I will be focusing on deconstructing my behavioral patterns in relation to my mother.

The first thing I'd like to focus on is my childhood. In our time together I noticed that I blame my mother for not giving me direction in childhood, for not being the directive principle for me to develop and use my 'many talents'.
I also noticed that since childhood I was perceiving her and my father to be spiteful towards me, to have a sort of hatred towards me because my grandmother in their eyes spoiled me rotten and kind of took me over from them, stole me from them (emotionally). Which was the easiest thing in the world to do considering how they were violent alcoholics, and she was not, therefore she represented a safe haven for me form my parents.
The third thing I'll be focusing on is my mother's inability to keep a promise and my resentment towards her for it. This is a pattern that I have developed within myself as well, therefore I will turn the point inwards and work on correcting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mother, to resent and blame her because I perceive that she was not giving me the opportunity to develop my talents in terms of music, especially singing, and dancing, especially ballet. Within this I also forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and resentful towards my father, for whom I have learned after his death that he had said to my mother that it is a pity that Hilda didn't go into singing, but he never said that to me.

When and as I see myself remembering/thinking that my parents didn't give me the direction that I perceive would have been right for me, and wanting to feel resentful towards them and blame them for me "not reaching my utmost potential", I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am dwelling on the past in order to feed energy to my mind as ego with shifting the responsibility for the way my life turned out onto my parents. Therefore I commit myself to stop myself in that moment and not allow myself to go into blame and resentment, because I realise and understand that by staying in that mind pattern I am dwelling on the past, thus taking my power away from myself in that very moment, instead of empowering myself to create the direction I want to take for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dissatisfied with the way my life turned out and where I am at the moment, to feel unrealised and incomplete, because I perceive that I should have pursued a career in music rather than science. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for apparently not showing me the way to pursuing a career in music, especially singing, instead of realising and understanding that I myself have also never moved myself to realise this part of me, thus the responsibility is on me.

When and as I see myself dwelling on the past in terms of my parents not doing anything to push me into the direction of singing, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment in my mind shifting responsibility for my life and how it turned out onto my parents, which is unacceptable, therefore I commit myself to bring myself here with breathing and do not allow myself to dwell on the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I was never good enough to pursue a career in music, specifically that I wasn't a good enough violin player in order to become a professional violin player, and have therefore rather directed myself towards science.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel remorse for not recognizing my own talents "soon enough" and not pursuing a career in singing and music myself, and be angry at myself for that, instead of realising and understanding that by having remorse and anger at myself for the past, I am locking myself in the past, I am not being here and I am taking away my power/directive principle in the present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is too late for me to pursue a career in music/singing, and feel bad about this, like I have missed something big in my life, and due to that feel incomplete, unrealised, less than and inferior to the potential I see within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare even consider pursuing a career in singing/music, because I thought/believed/perceived that I am not pretty enough to do so, not realising and understanding that I am being influenced by and am comparing myself to the images I see in the media, which are not even real to start with, but generated with makeup and artistic illusions.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like my parents, especially my mother, were being spiteful towards me because I liked to be at my grandmother's place more than at home, because I perceived it to be more safe and peaceful there than at home where my parents were fighting. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt and attacked every time my mother would bring up the subject of my grandmother having stolen me from her, and feel like she is making me responsible for something that was the consequence of her own doing, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like an innocent victim of my mother's delusions and victimize myself instead of realising and understanding that this is how I take my power away from myself by acknowledging that she had more power than me to make me feel a certain way.

When and as I see myself thinking back and perceiving that my mother/my parents were blaming me and being spiteful towards me for my grandmother stealing me from her/them emotionally, and feeling like an innocent and powerless victim within this, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am only feeding my mind as ego (negative) energy, therefore I commit myself to immediately bring myself back here and do not allow myself to feel like a victim of my mother, because I realise and understand that I am in that moment shifting responsibility for the way I experience myself onto her, which is unacceptable.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with and resentful towards my mother for never keeping her promises, especially about quitting drinking, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like her victim every time she didn't fulfill her promise that she will quit drinking. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop the belief that not all promises need to be kept.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior, less than and unimportant to my mother every time she failed to keep a promise to me, instead of realising and understanding that her not keeping her promises had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.

When and as I see myself thinking back on my mother's unkept promises and feel like I was not good enough or worthy enough for her to keep her promises to me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within self-victimization, therefore I commit myself to bring myself back here with breathing, because I realise and understand that I am abdicating my self-responsibility with self-victimization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not respect and fulfill my promises and commitments, and find it easy to not keep/fulfill them according to the way I felt or didn't feel in the moment of having to keep them, instead of realising and understanding that this is how I crumble and ruin my integrity and standing.

When and as I see myself wanting to back out of a promise/commitment and not do what I promised/committed myself to do for any reason, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment compromising my integrity, therefore I commit myself to investigate the reasons for not wanting to keep a promise and/or fulfill a commitment, I remove the reasons with self-forgiveness and correct myself and direct myself towards keeping the promise/fulfilling the commitment within common sense and the principle of what is best for all.