Day 211: Deconstructing resentment towards my mother - continuation

This is a continuation to my previous blog. In this blog I will be focusing on me blaming my mother for the past in order to have the 'upper hand' in arguments with her, to manipulate her and subdue her. I have been participating in this pattern extensively throughout my life with all the people in my reality, and it became very apparent for me within communication with my mother, therefore I will apply self-forgiveness for the general point.

I will also write forgiveness for/to my mother in this blog. The need for this came up in a heated conversation with her and she asked me to do it, and I recognize the need for it in order to clear up things within myself and in our relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, whenever I perceive that my mother/someone has done something unto me that I don't like, to go into inferiority and remember past occurrences of conflicts between me and her/that person, use these memories to charge myself with negative emotional energy and lash out at her/the person with the information of the memories in order to have the upper hand in the conflict with the goal of subduing her/them, making/forcing her/them do or say what I want her/them to do and say in order to make me feel good, not realising and understanding that I am trying to compensate for the feeling of inferiority that I felt during the conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it easy to, when in conflicts (my mother), manipulate her/people with what I perceive to be her/their mistakes and transgressions from the past, especially people close to me like my family members and partners, not realising and understanding that I am deliberately hurting them in order to compensate for the feeling of being hurt myself, not realising and understanding that within that I am making them responsible for the way I feel instead of taking full responsibility for creating whatever is going on within me and thus empowering myself to change that within myself instead of trying to manipulate my surroundings (by bringing up the past) into adjusting to me.

When and as I see myself participating in a conflict and wanting to bring up the past in order to win the conflict, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am acting out from inferiority, which I'm generating myself, therefore I commit myself to investigate and clear up the feeling of inferiority within myself and to not lash out at people by bringing up the past and try to manipulate them so that I would feel superior and compensate for the feeling of inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in conflicts assume the position of a victim, someone that had something be done unto, and use that as a justification to lash out at other people participating in the conflict by bringing up the past to feel superior to compensate for feeling inferior/as a victim, not realising and understanding that I am trapping myself into an energetic ping pong game for the sake of generating energy for my mind as ego and staying limited within the confines of my own mind, where I do not consider/regard the other being(s) as equals, but am abusively using them to build my ego, be right, be the winner.

When and as I see myself feeling like a victim, as if something 'unfair' is being done to me by someone else (and therefore wanting to bring up the past in order to manipulate the other into feeling bad so that I would feel good, superior, as a winner), I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am limiting myself in that moment and not seeing all that is here in equality, but building up energy for my mind to survive as ego. Therefore I commit myself to not allowing myself to go into the experience of feeling like a victim of another and feeling like something unfair is being done to me, rather I stay here in breath and direct myself in common sense towards what is best for all.

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I forgive my mother for not effectively directing me to develop my talents for dancing, singing and music into skills that I could use in life. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my mother was neglectful in not doing so, not realising and understanding that she was acting in the belief that she is allowing me to make my own choices by not directing me herself.

I forgive my mother and father for being/behaving spiteful and sarcastic towards me because they perceived that I loved my grandmother more than them. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt by my parent's sarcasm and apparent spitefulness, not realising and understanding their starting point for doing so, and therefore developing within me a deep resentment towards them, instead of realising and understanding that they were fighting a battle for my love and appreciation that they were perceiving to be losing and therefore resorted to the hateful polarity of love.

I forgive my mother for physically hitting me and yelling at me, when I was child, and having what I perceived as evil remarks towards me. I realise and understand that my mother was acting out her programming that she took over from her own parents and surroundings and at that time had no directive principle over how she behaved towards me.

I forgive my mother for always taking care of other people's children at a party first, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt by MY mother apparently putting other children higher on her priority list than me, not realising and understanding that within doing so, I was building and developing my mind as ego, where I would perceive that I should have priority over other children in my mother's life.

I forgive my mother for becoming and being an alcoholic and thereby fortifying the abusive nature of her communication with me. I also forgive my mother for not keeping her promises, especially her promise to stop drinking. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel personally diminished, hurt and violated by her not keeping her promise, because I would build up hope within me that things are going to change in our relationship, and then felt disappointed when they didn't due to her not keeping her promises, not realising and understanding that I am conditioning my inner experience of myself with an outside factor, thus abdicating my responsibility for the way I feel, for the feelings/emotions I am generating within myself.