Thursday, 8 August 2013


I went out with the intention to buy tobacco. Afterwards I intended to go shopping for food, because I perceived that I am out of some "basics", although there is enough food in the house to sustain us for at least a week - when food is perceived as food that sustains the physical body, and not as "breakfast", which needs to consist of certain foods, "lunch" of others, and "snacks" that represent comfort, relaxing, bonding, etc.

One thought that crossed my mind was that I will go shopping because it's a "necessary activity" and because I can (at this point in my life) shop for food without having to be too careful about prices.

I would like to point out that I am one of those people that "absolutely abhor shopping" - as the activity that is defined and perceived as relaxing and uplifting. There is no worse thing for me than shopping for anything else but food. I get nervous in shopping centres, I hate having to walk around clothing shops and try out stuff, because I 'already know' that the stuff made for 'regular' (non-fat) people is simply not going to fit me or 'look good' on me. Therefore I avoid shopping for clothes as much as I can. I do it only when it is absolutely necessary.

I compensate for the brain-chemical release that other girls get while shopping for clothes and accessories - by shopping for food. Spend my money on useless and frivolous food shit - "because I can, and at some point in my life I couldn't... and I might not be able to in the future."

I entered the first shop with the intention of perhaps finding some fresher meat than they keep in my regular shop, and I saw the greengrocer part right at the entrance. I remembered reading that this is a tactic - newer shops all have the greengrocer part at the beginning of the shop. I forgot the reason, but it made me consider that I should buy some fruit and veggies, because they're "healthy", but at the same time I didn't want to drag all that weight home, therefore I only took a pack of overripe bananas - because I had to 'do something healthy for myself', and 'I like ripe bananas'. At the same time I was fearing that the shop employee, who was sorting out the greens, would perceive me as a poor person, because I was going through the cheap stuff.

I went on to the dairy product refrigerator, and looked around for things that I might like, specifically yoghurt that tastes like the one from my childhood. Now it is called "Greek-type yoghurt", and it contains way more fat than regular yoghurt. They didn't have it. I considered buying some sweet products from the refrigerator, but at that point my mind was like "nah, that's not healthy or in any way beneficial, except to fuel the mind with sugar".

I headed for the meat refrigerator, and on my way I passed the bread and delicates part of the shop. I stopped to look whether they had any products that aren't completely wheat-based, and would also be packed in such a way so that moths can't get to them, because for breakfast I had some wassa breads, and just as I was about to finish my meal, I noticed a worm wriggling on my wassa bread. I was annoyed and I threw the worm away, but I finished my meal, because I have done quite extensive self-forgiveness on fearing insects, insects on food, etc. What annoyed me was the fact that no matter how clean I try to keep things these days, there's constantly a hoard of fruit flies in the house, they're camping out and procreating in the trash that gets carried out only every other week or so.

There were no products that matched what I was looking for, so I went on to the meat part, took out some pre-packed ground meat and looked at the label. I got a bit frustrated, when I read the percentages of pork and beef, because it also wrote that there was connective tissue in there, and there was a number next to the data, but without the % sign, so I felt like I was being hustled a little. It was a bit absurd, and I felt angry for being powerless to do anything about it. I have to buy what they're offering me, or I can kiss lunch good-bye. Not that there's anything really wrong with connective tissue. It is a bit more chewy, but essentially it contains protein that my body can break down and use their components to build it's own protein. It's just that I perceive and define certain pieces of meat to be more valuable, tasty, tender, pleasant, you name it, than others. Which is entirely mind bullshit that has fuckall to do with sustenance.

I took the meat, glanced at some other meat products, and every time I do that, I briefly remember the absolute abuse that is the meat industry, therefore I quickly give up on the idea of buying meat. Which is a bit of a problem, because I thrive on meat, but I'm too lazy to go to a butcher with a bit more controlled source of meat. Especially in this heat.

I felt like entertaining myself with browsing some more because I didn't want to go home yet and work, so I took a turn to the shelves with sweets, and there I went into absolute mind-possession. "Oh look, my partner's favourite sweets are cheaper, let's take them for him, I like them too." Then I turned to the product that has been around from my childhood, and nostalgia came over me. "I haven't had those in a while, and I wonder what this new flavour is like." So I took both versions. Then I saw the third product. "Ooooh, those have a respected reputation, and they are so good, and usually too pricey for me, but now I can afford them, and indulge in them while I work, like a little treat to counter the monotony of working." The back chat in my head was going wild, and I was so possessed that I didn't even consider stopping it with breathing.

Then I saw that I've probably indulged in this mind construct a bit too much, so I went to the cashier. Next to it was a refrigerator with salads and fresh cut up melons and other fruit, and that caught my attention too. "Melons are refreshing and my partner would like it. But I still have to get home after visiting another shop, it could get smooshed by the stuff I buy there, as I only have one bag with me, and I can get them there too, if I'll want to."

I paid and as I was about to exit, I noticed a coffee machine right next to the exit. "Coffee, hmm... Nah, not in this heat." But if it were about 15 degrees cooler, there'd be a 50/50 chance that I would have gotten that coffee and lit a cigarette outside that shop. It's amazing how tactically shops are built.

I went to the next shop with the intent to get some ice-coffee. I came out with a bunch of other shit that I didn't need, mostly sweets, because the same thought processes took place as in the first shop. "Don't need greens, if I need them tomorrow, I'll come tomorrow. Can't take the meat, don't know where it's from and how abused it was. Oooh, sweets and ice cream, these will do fantastic in the coolness of the evening. OK, that's enough, Hilda, go pay and get the hell out. Ooops, almost forgot the ice-coffee. Do I need anything else? Bread. Oh, these salty croissants look good, I bet they'd go great with ice-coffee. Oh, our favourite beverage is in the place where they keep the discount articles. There's no price. OK, it will probably be here tomorrow. I'll have to come back for some or other shit anyway."
Again, my mind went rampant about stupid bullshit. I was entertaining myself with shopping. All the while I was being completely oblivious to the opposite polarity of this, which someone is living right now. The not being able to afford such shit, the worrying about how to feed oneself, the dying of 40 000 children per day from famine, while I throw away food that spoiled, because I didn't eat it due to buying so much packaged, flavour-enhanced shit, which is so much more appealing than fresh spoilables. I didn't see the whole picture, only my little fragment of the world, that minute part of life called eating. We've blown it out of proportions in our minds, and that's why half of the population of the planet doesn't have food - because at our end it's blown out of proportions. We throw food away. With that we throw these people's livelihoods away, but do we care? No, because "the price is sooo low!" We don't even consider why it is low, and who has lost a job for it to be able to be so low.

This is the mindset that powers the capitalistic/consumerist movement. The capitalists know it, and the consumers know it. But somehow we've completely accepted this as normal within ourselves. But it is completely unacceptable, because it contributes to our slow but sure destruction. Therefore we have to change our perceptions of most everything. For food that means that we have to get rid of our definitions and perceptions of food as entertainment, social bonding agent and status symbol, to what it really is - sustenance of the human body - it is a very simple thing.

Tomorrow I will publish extensive self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements to the thought patterns and mind constructs I have described today.

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