Saturday, 27 October 2012

Day 38: Self-forgiveness on mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mother, because I perceive that she doesn't want to be self-honest and self-responsible, instead of realising and understanding that I am trying to get her to fix herself, so she could help me and support me in my life experience in terms of getting a home together/living together again, within which I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to get a home with my mother, to live with my mother, instead of realising that within this desire I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility and fearing that I will not be able to take care of myself alone, which means that I am compromising myself.
When and as I see myself wanting my mother or anyone else to help me with my living conditions, I stop and I breathe. I do not allow myself to limit myself within the desire to abdicate my responsibility for my living condition onto my mother or any other person, instead I investigate the point through writing and self-forgiveness, release the points, and direct myself in breath.
I commit myself to becoming absolutely self-sustainable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am responsible for my mother, instead of realising that she is responsible for herself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about my mother and be scared that one day she will not return home, instead of realising that this worry is based on a fear of not being taken care of and protected within this world, therefore when and as I see myself worrying about my mother more than other people, I stop and I breathe. I do not allow myself to be/become dependent on the idea of my mother being responsible for me and my well being, instead I release the point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my mother is responsible for me and my well being in this world, instead of realising that only I am responsible for my own well being within this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that one is more vulnerable in this world without a mother than with one.
When and as I see myself feeling vulnerable due to not having a mother that would be able to take care of me, I stop and I breathe. I do not allow myself to victimize myself and subdue to the feeling of vulnerability, instead I release the point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
I commit myself to writing out any and all points in relation to feeling vulnerable and exposed without the protection of my parents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my mother as a shield from the world, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, whenever I perceive that my mother is not supplying the safety and security that I perceive she should be supplying.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from safety within my desire for my mother/my parents/family/siblings to provide me with the safety that I have come to believe should be provided by one's family.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that families are the providers of safety, instead of realising that the safety provided within a family is provided by the money within that family, and if the family runs out of money, it also runs out of 'safety', and becomes unsafe and unstable, as has been proven to me by the falling apart of my family.
When and as I see myself wanting safety from my mother/in relation to my mother/parents/family/siblings, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that only I can provide myself with safety, as only I inhabit my physical body, therefore I stop separating myself from safety by investigating the point through writing and self-forgiveness, release the point of separation from safety and direct myself in breath.
I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness and self-corrective application stop separating myself from safety and become the living expression and manifestation of safety.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my mother should be providing me with safety and security, instead of realising that I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility within doing so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire for my mother to protect me and shield me from the outside world, instead of realising that I am separating myself from the world within doing so.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a belief wtihin myself of what a good mother is, thus expecting certain types of behaviour from my mother and when I do not get these actions / responses from her I feel disappointed within myself and judge my mother for not being a good enough mother and through this I forgive myself that I did not see, realise and understand that my belief of what a mother should be like was the creator of many moments of feeling disappointed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the world within my desire for my mother to protect and shield me from it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of people, whose mothers I perceive and define to be better than how I had defined mine.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my mother to other mothers, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define my mother to be a bad mother and be angry with her for it, because I perceived that she didn't behave as caring as other mothers, but was rather focused on pursuing her own happiness with having sex with various men and drinking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be resentful towards my mother, because I perceived her to be giving her love (which I defined as her time and attention as) to other men and not me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger towards my mother, instead of realising that this anger is an automated system that I have built up within my spitefulness towards her, because I perceived that she was never a good mother due to being an alcoholic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame/judge my mother for being an alcoholic, instead of realising and understanding that she followed a preprogrammed path and didn't really have a choice in the matter, therefore when and as I see myself having spiteful thoughts towards my mother, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that these thoughts are a consequence of my definitions and perceptions of my mother based in not wanting to understand her due to self-interest. I investigate and release the points/thoughts through writing and self-forgiveness, and direct myself in breath.
I commit myself to stop all spitefulness towards my mother by investigating myself through writing and self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define my mother as a bad mother for being an alcoholic, hitting me in her alcoholic fits and having lovers whom I hated, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mother, because I perceived that she didn't take good care of me due to her pursue of her own personal happiness through drinking alcohol and having sex with men.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hatred towards my mother for having cheated on my father, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for my father for having my mother for a wife.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for never taking good care of me due to being an alcoholic and chasing her own happiness that I perceived did not include me, instead of realising and understanding that I am here, I am still alive, and I have not been physically abused, therefore my mother took adequate care of me for me to grow up and survive in this world up to this day.
When and as I see myself reacting to my mother with anger, I stop and I breathe. I do not allow this reaction to manifest into physical reality, instead I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
I commit myself to stop reacting to my mother with anger.
When and as I see myself becoming hurt and perceiving that my mother is doing something wrong, I stop and I breathe. I do not allow myself to blame my mother for doing something wrong, instead I release the point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame/judge/be angry at my mother for not being financially responsible and spending all our family money on other people, so that they would like her, not seeingrealising and understanding that I allowed myself to create the same pattern within and as myself where I would spend all my 'time' as money on other people hoping that other people will then like me in response.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold and eternal grudge towards my mother and hate her, because I perceived that she never took good enough care of me, not seeing realising and understanding that within this I am abdicating the responsibility for me and my own life onto my mother, which is unacceptable.
When and as I see myself wanting to hold a grudge towards my mother, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that there is absolutely no point that I could hold against my mother, as I am self-responsible, therefore I clear my reactions towards my mother with self-forgiveness and direct my own life within absolute self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty towards my mother because of the physical confrontations that we had, where I feel bad about physically hurting her by hitting her, not seeing realising and understanding that feeling bad and guilty is not going to mend any past situation, as the past doesn't exist anymore, and that I must correct this point about me and walk the necessary self-forgiveness in order to stop this pattern of violence within myself as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hit my mother physically in order to get my revenge at her for hitting me and hurting me when I was a helpless child (which I perceived and allowed to exist within myself as a memory for self-manipulation), thus justifying to myself that I was in the right for hitting her, instead of realising and understanding that I was separating myself from her in doing something that I wouldn't want to have done onto myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a hatred towards my mother for physically hitting me when I was a helpless child, not seeing realising and understanding that I had accepted and allowed myself to carry this hatred with me into my adult life, thus through this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my absolute self-responsibility by having nurtured and perpetuated hatred towards my mother within myself.
When and as I see myself having a point of hatred towards my mother, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that this is simply a point of self-manipulation with which I am trying to abdicate my absolute self-responsibility, therefore I release it with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of my mother when I was a child as I now see, realise and understand that she used corporal punishment as a means to instill fear and control within my life and through this I forgive myself that I did not see, realise and understand I no longer have to accept and allow myself to fear my mother as she can no longer use corporal punishment as a means to control my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drag my anger over my mother's past actions such as hitting me and what I perceived as her neglecting me into the present, instead of realising and understanding that I was buying into and feeding a system of emotions towards my mother, which kept me occupied and not focusing on what is here as life.
I commit myself to stop all emotions, feelings and thoughts towards my mother. When and as I see myself thinking and/or reacting to my mother, I stop and I breathe. I investigate and release the point, and direct myself in breath.

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