Day 178: Releasing the need for shopping - general points

Here are self-forgiveness statements on general points in relation to shopping. I will be going into specific points in blogs to come. For context please read this blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself with shopping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and perceive shopping as a fun, entertaining activity.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that shopping is fun, when I saw pictures and videos of girls having fun while shopping, instead of realising and understanding that shopping is a physical activity of getting things that are needed to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become seduced by low prices, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy things that I do not need simply because they had a lower price and because I could afford them.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that buying something with a lower price than usual will somehow benefit me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become happy, whenever I see that something has a lower price than usual, instead of realising and understanding the implications of products having lower prices, which is that someone had to be at a loss in order for me to have the lower price available.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become excited, whenever I see that something has a lower price, and that I can afford it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive shopping and finding lower priced products as exciting.

When and as I see myself having an energetic reaction to products with reduced prices, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's money constructs, where I will try to save as much money as possible due to my belief/perception that one can never have enough money, and on the flip side I will try to get as much things for as little money as possible, thus separating myself from all that is here into that one dimension of 'saving money and getting as much as possible' for my self-interest. Therefore I investigate the trigger point and thought pattern, release the points with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for me in the context of what is best for all, thus buying the things that I need to support myself physically and not participating within the consumerist constructs of my mind.


I commit myself to stopping and removing with writing and self-forgiveness the consumerist constructs in my mind, because I realise and understand that I entertain myself with them energetically while shopping and separate myself from all that is here.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that this is a "one time chance" to buy a product with a reduced price, and that this sort of chance does not come often, instead of realising and understanding that "reduced prices" are a common and regular practice of selling products.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am missing out on something, whenever I do not buy a product with a reduced price, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive buying products with reduced prices as "a smart move", instead of realising and understanding that I have been duped by myself by believing the propaganda from sellers that buying things with low prices is a smart thing to do.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate, connect and equate buying sweets with happiness, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that if I buy sweets for myself, I will make myself happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in back chat about sweets, buying sweets and defining them according to my memories of experiences with them and memories of valuing them a certain way, which I identified myself with.

When and as I see myself having back chat about sweets and wanting to buy sweets in order to pamper myself and make myself feel better, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I have defined sweets to be a pampering agent to make oneself feel better, in which on the flip side I feel worse without sweets and want/need/desire to buy them as a "pick-me-up" agent, therefore I investigate the trigger point and thought pattern, release the points with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath within the realisation that my physical body does not need sweets in order to support itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive buying sweets for another and another buying sweets for me as an act of love and appreciation, instead of realising and understanding that I am within this separating myself from appreciation, and buying into the consumerist act of manifesting my inner energetic movement into the physical through money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive spending money on other people as a sign of appreciation, instead of realising and understanding that by doing so, I am manifesting the inner system into my outside world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel appreciated, whenever someone spends money on me and buys me things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire for people to spend money on me and buy me things, in order for me to feel appreciated, instead of realising and understanding that within doing so, I am separating myself from appreciating myself and all that is here.

When and as I see myself wanting to spend money on people in order to show them my appreciation, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that within doing so, I am separating myself from myself and appreciation, I am participating within my mind's consumerist constructs, with which I contribute to the system of separation and abuse of life in this world by appreciating someone/thing more than another. Therefore I investigate the trigger point and thought pattern, I release the points with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath towards what is best for all without allowing myself to follow and play into the money-spending patterns of my mind, but rather focus on the physical needs that need be taken care of.

I commit myself to stop using money and buying things for myself and other people as a means of showing appreciation, because I realise and understand that by doing so, I am participating in manifesting the abusive system of inner energetic movement into the physical.

Day 177: Coping with Bernard's death

When I read about this on facebook, I couldn't believe it. I thought that this is either a joke or a test. My mind went "it cannot be true". I went to check my mail, and there it was - a mail informing the group that he had died. I felt like crying, because I felt cheated out of my experience with the man. I've never met him in person, and I wanted to meet him so badly, I wanted to talk to him, find out stuff from him, get my ass kicked by his unwavering common sense in person. I've had the pleasure and honour of chatting with him a few times, and that will have to do.

He left us with the standing principle of doing what is best for All, and he left behind the tools and more than enough data for us to assist and support ourselves to start standing as that principle, so now we're going to be standing on our own, without Bernard as a safety net.

He's influenced my life more than any other being ever, and for that I am eternally grateful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself and feel sad and angry because I will never get to meet Bernard in person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that Bernard could/would somehow be able to improve and better my process, instead of realising and understanding that within this belief I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility towards my own process and myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel cheated out of the experience of meeting Bernard, when I learned that he died, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to meet Bernard due to my accepted and allowed beliefs about him being extraordinary and superior to me, which I gained through reading about other people's experiences with him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lost and scared because Bernard has died, instead of realising and understanding that I am giving into my mind's polarity construct in which on the flip side I have felt safe for having Bernard around, not realising and understanding that by doing so, I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility towards myself, process and Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/perceive/define Bernard as a safety net, someone who would always be there to guide me, despite knowing that I have to be my own guidance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to listening to Bernard's words and think/believe/perceive that listening to his words is enough, instead of realising and understanding that I must become those words by using the tools and data that he gave us.

Yesterday I was in a state of mourning, in which I made a joke about his death and caused a lot of distress with my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel elevated in my state of mourning, and feel like I am honouring the person that has passed away by being sad about their death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad for the death of one person/being, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's construct, where I will feel sad about having lost a relationship connection, with which I was creating/generating energy for my mind to keep existing as ego, all the while having a limited/skewed/veiled view of the whole picture of life in which countless beings are dying every day while I am busy mourning this one person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior and better than within mourning, and define/perceive myself as a "good person" because I am being sad over the death of a particular being, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive the deaths of people to be "sad", instead of realising and understanding that this sadness is a cover for fear and abdication of my own self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I should be sad, whenever someone dies, instead of realising and understanding that the way I feel about a situation is not going to alter/change/better that situation in any way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define people dying and death as a game changer, as a change for which I need time to overcome it and adjust to it, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my own beliefs about death, and in reality I am still here and I still breathe, walk and am responsible for myself.

When and as I see myself having energetic reactions towards someone dying, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I have formed a relationship connection of knowledge and information towards the input with which I am making myself experience these energetic reactions, therefore I investigate the trigger point and thought pattern that follows it, I release the points with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath towards what is best for All without energetic reactions to death/someone dying.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my energetic reactions, thoughts, feeling, emotions, perceptions, beliefs about death and someone dying, because I realise and understand that death is inevitable, and that countless beings die in vain every day just to support the human system of (self-)abuse.
Therefore I also commit myself to walk this process and help establish a system, where no death will be in vain, and no abuse of Life will be tolerated.

Day 176: SHOPPING, SHOPPING, SHOPPING

I went out with the intention to buy tobacco. Afterwards I intended to go shopping for food, because I perceived that I am out of some "basics", although there is enough food in the house to sustain us for at least a week - when food is perceived as food that sustains the physical body, and not as "breakfast", which needs to consist of certain foods, "lunch" of others, and "snacks" that represent comfort, relaxing, bonding, etc.

One thought that crossed my mind was that I will go shopping because it's a "necessary activity" and because I can (at this point in my life) shop for food without having to be too careful about prices.

I would like to point out that I am one of those people that "absolutely abhor shopping" - as the activity that is defined and perceived as relaxing and uplifting. There is no worse thing for me than shopping for anything else but food. I get nervous in shopping centres, I hate having to walk around clothing shops and try out stuff, because I 'already know' that the stuff made for 'regular' (non-fat) people is simply not going to fit me or 'look good' on me. Therefore I avoid shopping for clothes as much as I can. I do it only when it is absolutely necessary.

I compensate for the brain-chemical release that other girls get while shopping for clothes and accessories - by shopping for food. Spend my money on useless and frivolous food shit - "because I can, and at some point in my life I couldn't... and I might not be able to in the future."

I entered the first shop with the intention of perhaps finding some fresher meat than they keep in my regular shop, and I saw the greengrocer part right at the entrance. I remembered reading that this is a tactic - newer shops all have the greengrocer part at the beginning of the shop. I forgot the reason, but it made me consider that I should buy some fruit and veggies, because they're "healthy", but at the same time I didn't want to drag all that weight home, therefore I only took a pack of overripe bananas - because I had to 'do something healthy for myself', and 'I like ripe bananas'. At the same time I was fearing that the shop employee, who was sorting out the greens, would perceive me as a poor person, because I was going through the cheap stuff.

I went on to the dairy product refrigerator, and looked around for things that I might like, specifically yoghurt that tastes like the one from my childhood. Now it is called "Greek-type yoghurt", and it contains way more fat than regular yoghurt. They didn't have it. I considered buying some sweet products from the refrigerator, but at that point my mind was like "nah, that's not healthy or in any way beneficial, except to fuel the mind with sugar".

I headed for the meat refrigerator, and on my way I passed the bread and delicates part of the shop. I stopped to look whether they had any products that aren't completely wheat-based, and would also be packed in such a way so that moths can't get to them, because for breakfast I had some wassa breads, and just as I was about to finish my meal, I noticed a worm wriggling on my wassa bread. I was annoyed and I threw the worm away, but I finished my meal, because I have done quite extensive self-forgiveness on fearing insects, insects on food, etc. What annoyed me was the fact that no matter how clean I try to keep things these days, there's constantly a hoard of fruit flies in the house, they're camping out and procreating in the trash that gets carried out only every other week or so.

There were no products that matched what I was looking for, so I went on to the meat part, took out some pre-packed ground meat and looked at the label. I got a bit frustrated, when I read the percentages of pork and beef, because it also wrote that there was connective tissue in there, and there was a number next to the data, but without the % sign, so I felt like I was being hustled a little. It was a bit absurd, and I felt angry for being powerless to do anything about it. I have to buy what they're offering me, or I can kiss lunch good-bye. Not that there's anything really wrong with connective tissue. It is a bit more chewy, but essentially it contains protein that my body can break down and use their components to build it's own protein. It's just that I perceive and define certain pieces of meat to be more valuable, tasty, tender, pleasant, you name it, than others. Which is entirely mind bullshit that has fuckall to do with sustenance.

I took the meat, glanced at some other meat products, and every time I do that, I briefly remember the absolute abuse that is the meat industry, therefore I quickly give up on the idea of buying meat. Which is a bit of a problem, because I thrive on meat, but I'm too lazy to go to a butcher with a bit more controlled source of meat. Especially in this heat.

I felt like entertaining myself with browsing some more because I didn't want to go home yet and work, so I took a turn to the shelves with sweets, and there I went into absolute mind-possession. "Oh look, my partner's favourite sweets are cheaper, let's take them for him, I like them too." Then I turned to the product that has been around from my childhood, and nostalgia came over me. "I haven't had those in a while, and I wonder what this new flavour is like." So I took both versions. Then I saw the third product. "Ooooh, those have a respected reputation, and they are so good, and usually too pricey for me, but now I can afford them, and indulge in them while I work, like a little treat to counter the monotony of working." The back chat in my head was going wild, and I was so possessed that I didn't even consider stopping it with breathing.

Then I saw that I've probably indulged in this mind construct a bit too much, so I went to the cashier. Next to it was a refrigerator with salads and fresh cut up melons and other fruit, and that caught my attention too. "Melons are refreshing and my partner would like it. But I still have to get home after visiting another shop, it could get smooshed by the stuff I buy there, as I only have one bag with me, and I can get them there too, if I'll want to."

I paid and as I was about to exit, I noticed a coffee machine right next to the exit. "Coffee, hmm... Nah, not in this heat." But if it were about 15 degrees cooler, there'd be a 50/50 chance that I would have gotten that coffee and lit a cigarette outside that shop. It's amazing how tactically shops are built.

I went to the next shop with the intent to get some ice-coffee. I came out with a bunch of other shit that I didn't need, mostly sweets, because the same thought processes took place as in the first shop. "Don't need greens, if I need them tomorrow, I'll come tomorrow. Can't take the meat, don't know where it's from and how abused it was. Oooh, sweets and ice cream, these will do fantastic in the coolness of the evening. OK, that's enough, Hilda, go pay and get the hell out. Ooops, almost forgot the ice-coffee. Do I need anything else? Bread. Oh, these salty croissants look good, I bet they'd go great with ice-coffee. Oh, our favourite beverage is in the place where they keep the discount articles. There's no price. OK, it will probably be here tomorrow. I'll have to come back for some or other shit anyway."
Again, my mind went rampant about stupid bullshit. I was entertaining myself with shopping. All the while I was being completely oblivious to the opposite polarity of this, which someone is living right now. The not being able to afford such shit, the worrying about how to feed oneself, the dying of 40 000 children per day from famine, while I throw away food that spoiled, because I didn't eat it due to buying so much packaged, flavour-enhanced shit, which is so much more appealing than fresh spoilables. I didn't see the whole picture, only my little fragment of the world, that minute part of life called eating. We've blown it out of proportions in our minds, and that's why half of the population of the planet doesn't have food - because at our end it's blown out of proportions. We throw food away. With that we throw these people's livelihoods away, but do we care? No, because "the price is sooo low!" We don't even consider why it is low, and who has lost a job for it to be able to be so low.

This is the mindset that powers the capitalistic/consumerist movement. The capitalists know it, and the consumers know it. But somehow we've completely accepted this as normal within ourselves. But it is completely unacceptable, because it contributes to our slow but sure destruction. Therefore we have to change our perceptions of most everything. For food that means that we have to get rid of our definitions and perceptions of food as entertainment, social bonding agent and status symbol, to what it really is - sustenance of the human body - it is a very simple thing.

Tomorrow I will publish extensive self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements to the thought patterns and mind constructs I have described today.