Day 192: Feeling threatened by other people's success

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened, compromised and diminished by someone else's success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior, less than and bad about myself, whenever I see that someone has succeeded in a point which I would like to or am trying to succeed in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel jealous and envious of someone whom I perceive has succeeded in a point or points that I am trying to succeed in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a positive value to the word success and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior, whenever I perceive that I have succeeded within something and on the flip side feel inferior, whenever I perceive that I have not succeeded.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative value to the word failure and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior, less than and negative and bad about myself, whenever I perceive that I have failed in/with some point.

When and as I see myself feeling inferior, whenever I see/perceive that someone else has succeeded in/with something that I would like to succeed in/with as well, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that within that moment I am participating in comparison and competition constructs of my mind, therefore I immediately release the trigger point and thought pattern, I forgive myself for comparing and competing within my own thoughts, and I direct myself in breath and do not allow myself to have any energetic reactions towards the success of others. 

I commit myself to stopping and removing any and all energetic/emotional reactions towards other people's successes and my own as well, because I realise and understand that any kind of emotional reactions to success spring from my own comparison and competition mind constructs, with which I abuse myself and potentially others as well while allowing my mind to run rampant with polarity constructs thus feeding it energy to survive as ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate success with winning, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a winner, whenever I perceive that I have succeeded at something, and on the flip side feel as a loser, whenever I perceive that I didn't succeed at something. Within this I also forgive myself for feeling like a loser in the light of another's success within a point that I myself would like to succeed in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and angry with myself and blame myself for failing or not succeeding, whenever I see/perceive that someone else has succeeded in a point that I would like to succeed within as well, instead of realising and understanding that I am judging myself and with that limiting myself within comparison and competition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to myself in the face of another's success with the thoughts/words: "They can do it, they are strong, you cannot do it, you are weak", instead of realising and understanding that within that very moment of addressing myself as "you", I am experiencing and allowing and accepting the ultimate separation of myself from myself through energies of wants/needs/desires/competition/comparison, and I am allowing my mind as ego to have complete directive principle over me.

When and as I see myself having backchat and talking to myself about how and what I am like within comparison to another's success or failure, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment accepting and allowing myself to be severely separated from myself into multiple characters that are having a fight, therefore I stop my thoughts with breathing, I apply the necessary self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath with awareness and do not allow myself to have inner conversations with myself.

I commit myself to becoming aware of my internal conversations with myself and stopping them, because I realise and understand that in the moment of having an internal conversation with myself, I am fragmented and separated into multiple dimensions which are run automatically by my mind, and I do not have any directive principle over myself, but am abdicating it to my mind as ego which is in that moment feeding itself energy to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior, whenever I see/perceive that someone has failed in a point that I was working with as well, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel called and justified to give advice to that person and help them from the starting point of wanting to fortify and cement my feeling of superiority over them, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's ego polarity construct of feeling positive, more than and superior in the face of someone's failure, and on the flip side will feel negative, less than, and inferior in the face of someone's success, all stemming from comparison and competition of my mind as ego with which I generate energy for it to survive.

When and as I see myself feeling superior, positive and good about myself in the face of someone else's failure, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment participating with my mind as ego in constructs of comparison and competition, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath, not allowing myself to have any energetic movement within myself towards another's failure, but direct myself in equality towards doing what is best for us both within the context of what is best for all.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all feelings of superiority in the face of someone else's failure, and all feelings of inferiority in the face of someone else's success with points that I am working with myself, because I realise and understand that with those feelings I am allowing separation within myself form myself and all that is here, and am not being the directive principle of myself, but am abdicating that function to my mind as ego and am feeding it energy to survive.

next point will be: misery loves company

Day 191: Hippies. Hippies everywhere.

Yesterday I went to visit a friend who lives in a house where only vegan people live. I was greeted by a girl, and when I asked for her name, she told me some incomprehensible Indian multisyllabic tongue-breaker instead of her birth name. That immediately reminded me of my mother, who at some point in her life after encountering the Hare Krishna movement also started insisting on being called something Indian-sounding. I did my very best not to judge this girl based on my own personal experience with my mother, and I succeeded, but later we went to the garden, where I met another inhabitant of this house and his dog, whom he is feeding a vegan diet, and I lost my cool. I started speaking from reaction and said that this is animal abuse, with which I caused an equal and opposite reaction in him.

I've always had a negative attitude towards so-called hippies and their infatuation with Indian culture. I don't have anything against Indian culture itself, but people who try to mimic it here are a pain in the but for me. Whenever I encounter a hippie, I react with judgement, I am repelled by their programming. I want to challenge them and their beliefs, I want to break their program, I cannot stand them, I hate them. Here I will start dealing with and deconstructing this part of my personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively to people I perceive as hippies, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to challenge them and their belief systems in order to break their illusion of 'love being able to fix all of world's problems'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive 'hippies' as a useless form of human beings that want to kumbaya this world into a better existence, which doesn't and has never worked, instead of realising and understanding that with this attitude I am putting myself in a superior position to them and see them as inferior to myself, therefore I am only perpetuating the fuckup of inequality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience myself as superior to people I perceive as hippies, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's construct, where I define/perceive hippies as smelly singing guitar-playing bastards and with this am making myself superior to them in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate hippies and react towards them with superiority and define/perceive them as inferior human beings for not being able to accept who they are and where they were born, and need to search for meaning of life in another culture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define the Indian scriptures such as the Bhagavat Gita and Mahabharata as an unscientific incomprehensible bunch of metaphors that only sound nice and leave everything to the imagination, and do not actually explain anything about this existence and humans within it, not realising and understanding that with these perceptions/definitions I am putting myself in a superior position to people who read this stuff and am perceiving them as a sorry bunch of losties who will grab anything that will give them solace and peace of mind and will relieve them of responsibility for their own lives, just like Christians do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start hating anything remotely connected to the hippie movement because I resented my mother for throwing herself into Hare Krishna and going to the 'temple' and working on reaching the 'transcendental sound', while she neglected her family and her motherly duties, which I then took upon myself and cared for my brother and sister instead of her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a victim of my mother who would rather not be home and not deal with her family and would rather go be with the Hare Krishna people, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start hating the Hare Krishna movement and hippies altogether and blame them for the fact that my mother didn't want to be home with me/us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start perceiving myself as a victim because I took over my mother's family chores, because someone had to do the household chores, not realising and understanding that I am trapping myself into a limited mind construct, where I would later blame my mother for everything that went wrong in my life because 'I had to do her work', with which I would then abdicate my full self-responsibility for myself and my life and directing myself in my life.

When and as I see myself reacting to people I perceive as hippies, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating in my own mind polarity construct, where I define/perceive hippies to be inferior to me due to not scientifically looking at the world, or I am subconsciously reacting to some memory of/with my mother that I have not yet cleared. Therefore I investigate and release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath with common sense towards what is best for all, not allowing myself to go into energetic reactions towards with perceptions of what hippies are and what hippies do.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my energetic definitions, perceptions, thought patterns about hippies and all that surrounds them, because I realise and understand that when I react to hippies I am allowing and feeding energy to my mind as ego and am not being equal with what is here.

Day 190: Fat people as second class human beings

The treatment of fat people in our society is just a much milder form of the hatred black people had to endure solely because of their appearance. In this blog I am revealing and de-constructing the thought processes behind this phenomenon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as a second class human being because I am fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy into and participate within the social construct of fat people being seen and treated as second class human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that human beings who are fat are worth less than human beings who are slim, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad and negative about myself for not being slim and feel inferior to slim human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is not ok to be fat and that I have to do everything in my power to lose weight, not realising and understanding that my power to lose weight it pretty limited, and therefore feel like a failure whenever I fail to lose weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a constant and continuous wish to not be fat, and therefore exist in a constant and continuous battle with myself in order to lose weight, instead of realising and understanding that it is my perception that I need to change, and not my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as gross because of being fat, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive fat people to be gross for being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that there is something wrong with me because fat accumulates on my body in greater quantities than on slim people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that the sight of fat people is offending to thin/slim people, and therefore avoid being seen, thus closing myself off in my room and rarely go out in order to not offend anyone with the way I look.

When and as I see myself having resistances to going outside and exposing myself to people's sight due to the way I look and due to fearing how other people will see/perceive me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my own self-created mind polarity construct of definitions and perceptions about fat and thin people, therefore I investigate and release the trigger point and thought pattern with writing and self-forgiveness, I direct myself in breath and I do not allow myself to limit myself in what I do and where I go because of the way I look.

I commit myself to writing out and stopping all of my definitions and perceptions of fat people and thin people, because I realise and understand that I am limiting myself in actual physical reality due to those definitions and perceptions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with sadness and anger and frustration and resentment, whenever I see and perceive that people, especially men, are treating fat people worse than thin people. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so sad that I would bawl and cry my eyes out due to my perception of this behaviour being completely unfair.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the energetic reaction of "this is so unfair", whenever I see/perceive that thin people are being treated with more attention, respect, admiration and love than fat people, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself, whenever I see this, and go into sadness and anger, frustration and resentment towards myself for apparently not being able to cause people to behave towards me and perceive me like they behave towards and perceive thin people, instead of remaining here in breath within the realisation that picture driven behaviour is part of the abusive ego, and that I do not have do accept and allow such an existence within myself.

When and as I see myself reacting to my perception of thin people being treated nicer than fat people, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am reacting to something that I am still allowing to exist within myself, therefore I turn the point inwards, I release the thought pattern with which I am allowing within myself the behaviour that I am reacting to, and I direct myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I have within myself accepted and allowed a world in which fat people are seen and treated as second class human beings, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that this is ok that fat people are being treated worse than thin people, because everyone is saying how being fat is not only ugly but is also unhealthy, and that everyone should be thin in order to avoid being sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that being fat means that one is unhealthy, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to have health problems in my future due to being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate being fat with being unhealthy. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having heart and coronary problems in the future due to being fat, and feel powerless and helpless to do anything about it, because within my observations I have found that I can only lose weight if I starve myself, which I also know is not healthy for my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as being trampled and treated nastily by society for being fat, instead of seeing, realising and understanding that I am the creator of my own experience, thus I am the one that has accepted and allowed society's perceptions, beliefs and constructs about fat people to become part of me, and so I am actually the one that is trampling myself and treating myself nastily based on the constructs I have adopted from society over the years of my life.

When and as I see myself feeling that society is somehow to blame that I experience myself as inferior for being fat, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am experiencing my own mind within my own body, I am participating within my own constructs that I have adopted throughout the years, therefore I stop myself and investigate and release the trigger point and thought patter with which I created the experience within myself, and I direct myself in breath within the realisation that I am unconditionally responsible for way I experience myself and am also unconditionally responsible for correcting the way I experience myself with writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my inner experiences and energetic reactions that I have towards society's treatment of fat people, because I realise and understand that everything I see on the outside that I react to is actually my own acceptances and allowances within my mind, which I need to clear and correct into a direction that is best for me within the context of what is best for all.

Day 189: Blaming myself for the way I look - continued

This blog is a continuation of my previous blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that there is something wrong with me because I am fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively and be angry at myself and hate myself, whenever I am trying to lose weight, and the number on the scale will not go down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a number on the scale, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself, whenever I see that the number on the scale has dropped from the previous day, and on the flip side feel bad about myself, whenever the number has not dropped or has increased from the previous day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive having a fat body as not being eligible to do all the activities that I have defined as normal for thin people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that as long as I am fat, I will never be able to enjoy all the activities with friends, family and partners that I perceive slim people to be able to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I shouldn't be wearing a swimsuit, and that the sight of me in a swimsuit is offensive to other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive fat people in a swimsuit to be an offensive sight for thin and slim people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that fat people should never be seen in a swimsuit, instead of realising and understanding that I have brainwashed myself into society standards of what it is acceptable to look like, and what is not acceptable in terms of appearance, not realising and understanding that I myself have adopted within myself the kind of thinking that I perceive to be abusive in other people, thus I am abusing myself with this kind of thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others and be angry at other people for accepting and allowing and following society norms about what one's appearance should be like, and for calling fat people names and believing that fat people are ugly, instead of realising and understanding that I myself have adopted these 'norms' within myself, and am therefore abusing myself with thoughts about these norms, and it is not other people that are abusing me with their perceptions and thoughts, but me myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that it is not other people who are abusing me with their beliefs, perceptions and definitions of fat and thin people, but me myself, because I have bought into and integrated within myself the societal standards of how one should look in order to be acceptable.

When and as I see myself feeling angry or energetic in any other way about what other people think/believe/perceive about fat and slim people, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am not in fact reacting to what they are saying, but to my own inner beliefs/perceptions/definitions of appearance that I triggered within myself through their words. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness until I am clear of the energetic reaction, and I direct myself in breath and do not allow myself to go into energetic reactions of blame towards others or myself for having certain beliefs about fat people, but I simply remove those beliefs from myself with self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, hateful and resentful, whenever I see/perceive that someone, especially someone who has in their life not struggled with weight, is trying to teach me something about weight loss. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with the thoughts 'how dare you, you know nothing, I have been researching this all my life', not realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct of feeling inferior, whenever someone is trying to teach me something about weight loss, and accompanying guilt for being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel outraged and diminished, whenever I see/perceive that someone is trying to give me dieting advice, especially if that someone never actually was obese or had weight problems, instead of remaining here in breath and not allowing myself to take other people's comments about my weight and dieting personally. 

When and as I see myself reacting to other people telling me what I should be doing in order to lose weight, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that by reacting to their statements I am allowing myself to validate myself through their words and am therefore giving my power away to someone else's perception and belief about me and weight loss, instead of remaining here in breath in self-certainty and self-trust that I know best how my body responds to various diets and weight loss plans.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that losing weight is as simple as cutting my calorie intake and exercising more, and within this feel guilt and shame for not being able to do so, not realising and understanding that with this perception/belief I have clouded my ability to see what is here, and that my weight loss/gain is not following the mechanism that I have accepted myself to believe it is.

In the next blog I will investigate the things that are apparently wrong with me.

Day 188: Blaming myself for the way I look

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself, hate myself, be resentful towards and angry with myself for the way I look / for being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt because I am fat within the belief that I am to blame that I am fat because I eat too much, instead of realising and understanding from my own observations of the amount of food I eat that there is something more going on than just the amount of food I eat that is responsible for the accumulation of fat on my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt in front of other people for being fat, because I think/believe/perceive that they are going to blame me for being fat and that I am to be blamed because I do not do anything about being fat, although I constantly and continuously battle my body to not be fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a constant and continuous battle with my body, within which I will work against it and deprive it of food and necessary nutrients in my belief that if I cut my food intake, I will lose weight, instead of realising and understanding from my observations of my own eating habits and weight fluctuations that I have a very limited influence on my weight, when I adjust my food intake, therefore the core of the problem is not in the amount and type of food I eat, but somewhere else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate about losing weight, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to lose weight in order to feel normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive having a slim body as normal, and having a fat body as abnormal, instead of relising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct of what is normal/beautiful and what is not, which I have built up through years of accumulating outside knowledge about these factors based on media and other people's perceptions of normal/beautiful and abnormal/ugly, not realising and understanding that I am with this only supporting the unreal mind polarity construct of perceptions about the human body, and am not taking into consideration the actual physical body and its functions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work against my body and constantly and continuously try to make it slimmer by investigating and applying different diets and exercise plans in order to mould myself into a shape that I have perceived and defined as acceptable, instead of realising and understanding after years of this application that I am harming my body by completely ignoring it while trying to mould it into a shape that I would deem acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my body whenever I would feel hungry, because I believed that by cutting my calorie intake dramatically I will force my body to lose weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to force my body into losing weight, and within that ignore what it is telling me.

I ask my body for forgiveness for working against it all these years and trying to force it into a shape that I, within my minds polarity constructs about normalcy and beauty, have conjured up to be acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that only having a slim body is acceptable, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never accept my body as my own due to perceiving that only a slim body is acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel remorse about having worked against my body in complete separation of it in order to mould it into a shape that I have defined as acceptable, instead of realising and understanding that crying about time that I have lost in the past by working against my body is not going to have any practically useful outcome, and I am just wasting time with this remorse.

I ask my body for forgiveness for starving it within my minds desire to be thin, slim and have a body of a shape that I deemed acceptable and normal.

I ask my body for forgiveness for using chemicals with the starting point of wanting to lose weight, with which I substituted the nourishment and nutrients that my body needed from food.

I ask my body for forgiveness for separating myself from it in the moment when I accepted the belief that there is apparently something wrong with my body because it is fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my body by starting to believe that there is something wrong with my body because I saw/perceived it as fatter than the bodies of my female friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my body by starting to hate it, when I was being teased by my peers for being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start working against my body by starving and trying to shape and mould it into something that would not cause my peers to tease me and call me names for being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become reluctant to go and be outside with my peers because I was afraid all the time of being teased about being fat, and I would rather stay inside and entertain myself with tv, books and comics, while trying to figure out a way to mould and shape my body into a form that would be perceived as acceptable, that I would not be teased about, and could spend time with my peers outside in comfortable self-expression without being teased.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel cheated out of the experience of being comfortable with myself and having relaxed self-expression in the company of my peers due to being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when in company of other people, constantly and continuously be afraid and worry about people teasing me about being fat, and what they are going to say about my body, and within this never feel relaxed and ok about myself.

When and as I see myself worrying and being afraid of what other people might say or think about my body, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct that I have built up a long time ago based on my past experiences with my peers teasing me about being fat, within which I define having a slim body as acceptable and having a fat body as unacceptable. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath, not allowing myself to participate within my mind's/society's perceptions and beliefs about what a body should look like.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all perceptions, beliefs, wants, needs, desires, mind constructs about what a body should look like, because I realise and  understand that a body's appearance is not important for its functions, and that the mind/society's construct on what bodies should look like is only an abusive limiting thought pattern with which we abuse ourselves and others by participating in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with sadness, frustration, anger and resentment, whenever I was/am being teased about being fat, and feel enraged because my influence on my body's weight is very limited and I cannot mould it into the shape that would stop people from teasing me for being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and react with hatred, anger, resentment, and a wish for revenge, whenever I see/perceive that people are teasing me about being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start believing that there is something really actually wrong with me for being fat, because people were teasing me for it, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start wishing/wanting/needing/desiring to change myself into a shape that will not be wrong and will prevent people from teasing me about being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a misanthrope and start hating people and hating humanity for perceiving me in a way that I do not perceive myself.

to be continued

Day 187: How words create my world

A few years ago my flatmate asked me to be honest with her. It was a touchy subject, and I should have anticipated that she would take my honesty hard, but I didn't, because I was caught up in my own desire to be seen as an honest person, as well as the belief that as long as one speaks the truth, nothing bad can happen, because the truth shall always prevail. (Assange and Snowden are proving this collective belief to be quite wrong.)

So while being caught up in my own conglomerate of beliefs, fears and desires, I was completely unaware of how my words would actually impact this person, whereas had I been clear of all this mental garbage, I would have clearly seen that my honesty was not going to have a positive outcome for this relationship, and sure enough, it crumbled and stopped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak before considering what kind of impact my words would have on the person that I am speaking to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so energetically possessed as to become completely unaware of the words that I am speaking and what kind of impact they are having on the people around me.

When and as I see myself being energetic and wanting to speak, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that if I speak from an energetic reaction, I am only causing discord and chaos, because I am not directing my words in breath within the context of what is best for all, but rather trying to prove a point, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath, and speak only when I am clear of all energetic reactions.

I commit myself to stopping myself whenever I see that I am being energetic, and within this I commit myself to really seeing myself whenever I am being possessed by anger/pride/vanity and effectively stopping myself in that moment with breathing within the realisation that speaking in that state of unawareness is going to have consequences that are not favourable.

Day 186: Fears in relation to time

Getting my work done by the deadline is extremely important to my boss, and is a vital part of me getting paid for my work.

I've always been one that is late. I've also always been one that promises to do something, and then doesn't follow through. It's not that I wouldn't want to do something I promised, it's a point of laziness (escaping reality) and wanting to enjoy myself (escaping reality) rather than working, thus losing time and eventually not being able to complete what I have promised.

I was always late with my schoolwork - if I've done it at all. I always had correctional exams at the end of the school year in high school, because I didn't do the work during the school year (due to escaping reality - drunk parents, which became a big source of excuses for me not doing in life what I'm supposed to do and what is expected of me - by watching tv, reading books and comics), thus my vacation was always tainted with schoolwork in high school. I've started defining myself as lazy and tardy, and I exist in fear of never being able to overcome this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I will never be able to overcome the point of being lazy and tardy, instead of realising and understanding that with this fear I am justifying myself as a tardy and lazy person and with this fear I am justifying why I do not change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive/see myself as a lazy and tardy person, instead of realising and understanding that with this definition I am allowing myself to not change this point.

When and as I see myself being lazy and tardy and/or perceiving myself as a lazy and tardy person, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that by allowing such thoughts within me to exist, I am giving myself permission to be the way I think I am, tardy and lazy. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath towards what is best for all, and I do not allow myself to perceive/define myself as tardy and lazy.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all thought patterns of laziness and tardiness, because I realise and understand that I compromise myself with these patterns and do not allow myself to face my responsibilities immediately, but put them off and procrastinate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel resistance towards immediately dealing with my responsibilities and to rather put them off for later.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use work as an excuse to not deal with my responsibilities immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define my work as my greatest responsibility, instead of realising and understanding that I am hiding behind work from my other responsibilities, which I do not want to face due to me defining them as a hassle, boring, inconvenient and unpleasant.

When and as I see myself avoiding facing my responsibilities, and working instead, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's construct, where I feel less bad about shunning my other responsibilities in order to do work, because I define/perceive work to be very important and I use it as a "good excuse" to not have to deal with my other responsibilities in life. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to avoid my responsibilities and I direct myself in breath towards taking care of what I can in the moment.

I commit myself to stopping and removing my thought patterns with which I hide behind work from having to face my other responsibilities in life, because I realise and understand that by hiding from my other responsibilities in life, I am compromising myself by piling up my other responsibilities and creating unwanted consequences for myself.

I didn't do my schoolwork, because I defined/perceived it as boring, as hard work. I didn't take good notes in school, because I could never decide on the form and design of the notes, on prioritizing with colours, even on the shape of my handwriting. I changed it frequently to be similar to the handwriting of schoolmates that I admired/wanted to be like. I thought that if I wrote like them, and had nice notes and notebooks like them, I will be as effective as them. (I always strived for perfection, and at the slightest sign of not being able to achieve it, I would give up - which was almost always.) However, when I got home, and had to deal with drunk parents and a moneyless broken home, I lost all willpower to do schoolwork. I had it in school, and then reality abruptly changed every day when I'd get home, and I'd go and watch tv in order to isolate myself from this harsh reality, thus manifesting the ever present lateness in my life.

I always wanted to live up to my parents claims that I am special, better than others, more than, superior, but through growing up I gave up on it and secluded myself in my own little fantasy world with tv and reading and later computer games and the internet.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being late with my work, and my boss yelling at me for being late, and threatening me that I will lose my job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being late with my work and not completing it until the dead line to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my job because of being late with my work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being late with work and losing my job because of it to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing a constant source of money if I lose my job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect losing money due to losing my job to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about having fun and about completing my tasks as soon as possible so that I can have fun, while I am doing the work that must be done, instead of realising and understanding that I am compromising myself by doing so, because I am wasting time by thinking about having fun while doing the work, I am not fully concentrated on my work, but am divided into separate dimensions of reality and future projections of having fun in my mind, and so I am separating myself from all that is Here and the task at hand, therefore rendering myself less effective with the task than my full potential is. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/desire that the work would already be over/be over as soon as possible so that I could focus on having fun and not have to worry about work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive work as something that I have to worry about and feel negative about, instead of realising and understanding that I am compromising myself with these definitions and energetic reactions towards work.

When and as I see myself thinking about having fun and hurrying to get the work done as soon as possible in order to be able to have fun afterwards, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am compromising the quality of my work, because I am not absolutely concentrated on it, not fully being Here while thinking about fun, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath and do not allow myself to go into mind dimensions of wanting to have fun and wishing that the work was already over.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all definitions of fun and not fun, because I realise and understand that by defining things as fun and not fun, I am participating within a polarity construct of my mind, where I will gladly and enthusiastically do things that I define/perceive as fun, and will create resistance within myself/my mind towards doing things that I define/perceive as not fun, thus separating myself from whatever I am doing.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the justification and excuse about me having had a hard life and growing up with alcoholic parents within communication with people I perceived as authority, whenever I didn't finish a responsibility or whenever I wanted to avoid doing something that was expected of me in the system, such as finishing school and having good grades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of myself for having used excuses and justifications about having a hard life and alcoholic parents in communication with people I perceived to be authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as helpless and hopeless within the context of directing my own life into a direction that is best for me within the context of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as a failure that is unable to direct my life in a direction that is best for me within the context of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become comfortable with defining/perceiving myself as a failure that is not able to direct her life effectively.

When and as I see myself looking for justifications and excuses for not doing something that I know I should do/be doing, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that by looking for justifications and excuses, I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility for directing my life into a direction that is best for me within the context of what is best for all, therefore I release the trigger point of looking for justifications/excuses and I direct myself in breath towards completing the task at hand, and do not allow myself to trap myself into inaction with justifications and excuses.

I commit myself to stop and remove all justifications and excuses for not doing something, because I realise and understand that I inhibit myself with justifications and excuses from effectively directing my life into a direction that is best for me within the context of what is best for all.