Day 214: Putting things off

One of my most prominent and tenacious behaviour patterns is procrastination. I remember once writing a blog on it with self-forgiveness, where I was forgiving myself for procrastinating, but afterwards I didn't change. Today I realised why. Because I am not living the word procrastination. This is an English word that is only part of my knowledge. I know what it means and I know how to use it, but I don't say to myself: "I'm gonna procrastinate now." What I do live is the statement: "I don't feel like it right now." There's many other statements that make up my procrastination pattern, like:
"I still have time to do it.
I will do it later.
If I don't do it now, the consequences are not going to be that bad, I hope.
I will do this first thing in the morning, but now I am going to do something I enjoy."
I'm going to tackle this pattern for real now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, whenever I have work, duties and obligations, and feel resistance towards doing them, use the statements "I do not feel like it right now, I still have time to do it, I will do it later, I hope the consequences are not going to be that bad if I don't do it now, I will do this first thing in the morning, but now I am going to do something I enjoy" in order to persuade myself and justify not doing them immediately.

When and as I see myself trying to use those statements to persuade myself into and justify not doing my work, obligations and duties, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am compromising myself and the quality of my life by putting off my work until the last minute, where I will often be late with completing it, therefore I commit myself to push myself and push through the resistance I might be feeling to get the work done in time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for excuses, justifications and explanations for why it is ok for me to be late with work or fulfilling my obligations/duties.

I've always taken my duties and obligations lightly, ever since elementary school. I never really took them seriously, I never really worried about them, because all my capacity for worrying was used up by the situation at home. Compared to what was going on at home, the consequences of not doing my schoolwork on time seemed laughably small. I used to worry that my mother one day simply wouldn't come home anymore. Schoolwork was the last thing on my mind. That is why I never developed self-discipline.
In my teenage years I started using the situation at home as an excuse to not do my schoolwork or to get special treatment, when I learned that teachers and adults in general tend to be more lenient, when they know what is going on in my life. I remember being really surprised, when this method didn't work on our social worker in high school.
This all lead to me never developing real working skills, which is biting me in the ass today, and I want to rectify it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself for having a hard situation at home, and in that feeling sorry for myself say "fuckit, I'm not going to do my obligations, what's the point anyway", not realising and understanding at the time that I should be doing my schoolwork for myself and not because it is being asked of me by adults.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my obligations/duties/work lightly and avoid doing them until the last minute or until it is already too late.

When and as I see myself wanting to wait with my duties/work/obligations and wanting to put them off to a later time, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am with this sort of behaviour compromising myself, because other people involved usually do not have the patience/understanding for why I am being late with my work, therefore I commit myself to breathe through the resistance towards work and direct myself towards doing it in the first possible time slot I have available for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my life situation as hard in order to use it as an excuse to not do my work/duties/obligations immediately when I have the chance.

When and as I see myself trying to justify and look for excuses for not doing my work/duties/obligations immediately when I can by perceiving that my life situation is hard, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am with this compromising my own life and well-being, therefore I commit  myself to removing the excuses, stabilizing myself in breath and directing myself towards getting my work done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/think/perceive that I am not an organized person and that I lack self-discipline to do all my work on time, instead of realising and understanding that I am creating myself to be that way by believing it, therefore I commit myself to immediately stop myself with breath, when I notice myself thinking this about myself, and directing myself towards completing my work in the necessary time frame.

I also always had a great resistance towards schedules, because I perceive that they take freedom and spontaneity away from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate and loathe schedules and scheduling my days, my life, because I perceived/believed that scheduling takes the freedom and spontaneity out of life. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist making schedules for myself, instead of realising and understanding that they make life a lot easier, because then I can follow a list instead of deciding in the moment what I will be doing next, and losing time with it.

When and as I see myself resisting making a schedule for myself, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that making a schedule will make things much easier for me, therefore I commit myself to remove my resistances and direct myself to make the schedule and follow it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am a person who does not enjoy following schedules, not realising and understanding that I am manifesting and creating myself that way, thus I am limiting myself to a set of beliefs about what I should or shouldn't do, enjoy and be like.

When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that I do not enjoy making and following schedules, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I have never given myself the opportunity to expand myself by making schedules for myself and see how they impact my life, therefore I commit myself to try scheduling out for myself.

In the next blog I will be focusing on my tendency to not follow schedules and previously made arrangements with other people.

Day 213: The Middle of a Conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated, anxious and feel lost and trapped, whenever I perceive that I have little time and still need to work, but am not working due to some other activity I'm participating in.

When and as I see myself becoming emotional, irritated, anxious and feel lost and trapped due to perceiving that I am short on time, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am not helping myself by being emotional, but am in fact wasting even more time by being emotional about it, therefore I commit myself to stay here in breath and do not allow myself to dwell on the fact that I have little time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like other people are wasting my time, and them blame them for it, whenever I talk to them while having little time to spare, and the conversation is not taking the direction that I want it to take, instead of realising and understanding that I am the one that chooses what I will be doing with my time and am therefore fully responsible for organizing it.

When and as I see myself wanting to blame others for 'wasting my time', I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am fully responsible for arranging and organizing my time so I spend it as efficiently as I can, and by blaming others I am only trying to shift this responsibility onto them, thus I am taking my power over it away from myself. Therefore I commit myself to not go into blame towards other people for wasting my time, but direct myself in breath and prioritize my time with common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless and hopeless, whenever I participate in a (group) conversation, where things seem to have slipped out of hand and a conflict seems to arise. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to yell at the participants to stop it, and think/believe/perceive that this is the only way to stop a conflict from happening. I also forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my ability to resolve a conflict between people in a calm and civilized way.

I realise and understand that I would only be fueling the fire of conflict more by participating with yelling, therefore I commit myself to, whenever I see a conflict arising in a group around me, to ground myself with breathing and direct the conversation back to common sense with self-trust that I am able to do it.

I forgive myself  that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with annoyance and want/need/desire to lash out at people and shout at them, whenever I perceive that I am doing everything in my power to resolve issues in a calm and civilised way, instead of realising and understanding that I am in that moment participating with superiority by thinking how calm and civilised I am, and am then being bewildered as to why it is not working, start feeling inferior and want to compensate for that by lashing out, thus taking a superior stance. This all is then my participation within and as ego that is looking for energy.

When and as I see myself becoming annoyed that my calm approach to a conflict is not working, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am only trying to appear calm, but am in fact participating within and as ego wanting to direct others and take credit for it's/my 'efficiency'. Therefore I commit myself to stop myself first, ground myself with breath and direct myself with common sense towards what is best for all, thus I assess whether it is beneficial to all to keep participating in the conversation in that moment or not.

Day 202: Releasing the desire for falling in love

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and live within and as the desire for lovey-dovey feelings and emotions of 'falling in love'. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize and desire and want and need to have physical contact with a boy I find cute within this emotion/feeling of 'falling in love' and think/believe/perceive that I cannot live without this experience and that this experience is the meaning of human life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive the experience of falling in love and the hormonal bliss it brings as something that I should ultimately strive for in my life.

When and as I see myself fantasizing about having a hormonal lovey-dovey relationship, when I see myself fantasizing about the excitement and exhilaration and ecstasy of 'falling in love' and kissing and having sex with a new man, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within the desire for the addictive substances that my mind releases in my body whenever a new relationship like that occurs, and I also realise that this is a way of my mind countering perceived boredom and monotony, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern and I direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my desires for new relationships and all my desires for feeling the rush, excitement, exhilaration and ecstasy of 'falling in love', because I realise and understand that this is an addictive pattern of my mind as ego, where I look for a higher experience of myself to feel good, superior, nice, lovey-dovey, because I have not accepted experiencing myself as enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive the everyday living experience of myself as 'not enough', as not fun enough, and therefore look for a heightened experience of myself as myself falling in love and experiencing the lovey-dovey hormonal experience of excitement, exhilaration and ecstasy with another in order to feel better than by myself in my everyday experience of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself by defining /perceiving my everyday experience of myself as not enough and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself by looking for/seeking a higher/heightened experience of myself as the hormonal exciting exhilarating ecstasy-like experience of falling in love with another human being and having a romantic/sexual relationship with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive having a romantic/sexual relationship with another human being as 'more than' my everyday life experience of myself, not realising and understanding that this is how I separate myself from myself by looking for a higher experience of myself within a romantic/sexual relationship with another.

Day 196: A not-so-surprising twist

Today I set out to do self-forgiveness on my perceptions and beliefs and definitions of myself in relation to sustainability, but the more I turned the points inwards, the more I gravitated towards money and the power it represents in our minds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, frustration, resentment, sadness and powerlessness, when I see other people not caring for the environment, throwing trash on the streets and lawns and parks and anywhere outside of the designated trashcans and containers, when I see people wasting water, when I see people not dividing their trash into recyclables, throwing away glass bottles and paper together with non-recyclable trash, and everything else that I perceive to be transgressions against nature, instead of realising and understanding that with these feelings/emotions I am putting myself in a superior position over them by judging them as living unsustainably, I am comparing myself to them, thus I am participating within my mind and feeding it energy with this behaviour/experience within myself, not realising and understanding that I am limiting myself into a polarity mind construct of positive and negative, superior and inferior, thus disabling myself from directing myself effectively towards what is best for all in equality with all that is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior, better and more than people whom I perceive are not caring for the planet and the environment by taking into consideration the management of trash.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior, less than, limited, disempowered and helpless, when I see people not taking into consideration the waste that they produce and how wasteful they are.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/define people whom I perceive to be wasting resources such as water and food as bad/inferior/evil/limited, not realising and understanding that with this judgement I am participating within my mind's polarity construct where on the flip side I judge/define myself as superior/good/benevolent for taking into consideration nature and resources and trying to minimize my wasting of resources, thus I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, with which I feed energy to my mind as ego, and I am limiting myself from being directive about the subject.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear telling people that they should be less wasteful and think/believe/perceive that I have no right to tell them how they should live, because I myself wouldn't want other people to tell me how I should live, thus in this case I am perpetuating the fuckup by not doing to another what I wouldn't want done onto myself in terms of the ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be insulted and angry, whenever I see/perceive that other people are telling me how I should be living my life, and have the words "how dare they" come up within me, instead of critically assessing what they are saying and implementing with myself that which is good without any emotional reactions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that no one should be and has the right to be telling me how I should live my life and what I should be doing in my life with things that I perceive to be mine, instead of realising and understanding that with this kind of thinking I am allowing ultimate separation within myself, where I will perceive myself as completely autonomous and separated from the world into my own little bubble, my own little life, where I am allowed to do as I please without considering others and my environment and the planet as a whole, but focus only on myself and the instant gratification of my own personal needs/wants/desires.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have in my life more things and more resources than I actually need to live and function normally, instead of realising and understanding that this want/need/desire is coming from my fear of not having enough in the future and is also stemming from a desire to prove myself in society as a successful person, which I would display through owning more than I need, through owning pricy products, not realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind construct of conspicuous consumption, where I will want to flaunt my status with products and services of a high/the highest standard in order to feel equal or superior to other people within my comparison and competition with them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare and compete with other people in terms of owning products, money, resources, and feel inferior to them, when I perceive that I have less material possessions than them and/or have products of less value, and on the flip side will feel superior to them, when I perceive that I have more material possessions than them and products of more value, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct and I am feeding my mind as ego energy with these thoughts of comparison and competition, inferiority and superiority in terms of material possessions in order for my mind to survive as ego, thus I am abusing my physical body and am harvesting its substance in order to transform it into energy for the sake of generating these thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I 'own' anything in this world, and create energetic relationships to the things that I perceive to be owning by creating within myself a fear of loss towards those things, and creating self-definitions with which I will value/validate myself, thus I will use those things in order to create definitions of myself in relation to those things, where I will feel superior or inferior for 'owning' them, and I will also feel superior and/or inferior for not 'owning' certain things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as a person that lives more or less sustainably, and within this feel superior and more than other people, not realising and understanding that with this self-definition I have limited myself into a mind construct, beyond which I cannot see.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior to other people for NOT owning certain products that I perceive/define as wasteful and useless or not too useful, and overpriced for being of a certain brand.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior to people whom I see using Apple products, and whom I perceive to not have any practical need for them, and to then judge those people as wasteful and falling victim to conspicuous consumption, instead of realising and understanding that I am doing so because I feel inferior for not being able to afford/not wanting to afford and compromise my budget for an Apple product, thus I am essentially being jealous and envious of those people and their monetary status/ability to afford Apple products.
When and as I see myself wanting to judge people for having Apple products, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am wanting to make myself feel superior, because I feel inferior for not having an Apple product, because I perceive/define Apple products to be a status symbol of the wealthy/well of people, therefore
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive Apple products to be a status symbol of the wealthy/well off people, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to have Apple products in order to project an image of myself and have other people perceive me as a wealthy/well off person, who deserves their respect.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate Apple products and people who have Apple products to respect, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate money and the display of having enough/a lot of money with respect.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel respect and envy at the same time for people who have Apple products, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within comparison and competition with those people, thus I am participating within my mind and I am not being equal to all that is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel respect and fear for/of people whom I perceive to have a lot of money, and then compare to them and wish that I was like them, and then start competing with them in my mind and then feel inferior and try to project superiority in order to compensate for the inferiority I am feeling, which I would then project outwards as hostility, jealousy and general judgment of those people as being less than myself because they are indulging in such a despicable display of wealth, which I would also like to be indulging in, in order to be respected and feared for having a lot of money, because I connect and equate that with power over others and over my own life.
When and as I see myself having any kind of energetic reactions towards people whom I perceive to be having a lot of money, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I will feel inferior to them, because I connect and equate having a lot of money with having power, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath in equality with those people, and I do not allow myself to go into polarity experiences of my mind.
I commit myself to stopping and removing all of my energetic reactions towards people whom I perceive to have a lot of money, because I realise and understand that money is only a perceived form of power that we have all agreed upon collectively, and is causing massive abuse of life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people, whom I perceive to have a lot of money, can hurt me in some way, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel vulnerable, exposed, and at the mercy of people whom I perceive to have a lot of money, instead of realising and understanding that by allowing this fear within me I am perpetuating the abuse that money causes in the world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use/utilize money to hurt other people, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about having a lot of money with which I could then hurt people that I perceive have done me wrong, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within the abusive mind patterns that sometimes play out in reality, thus I am supporting the abuse that money can buy.
When and as I see myself thinking about using money in order to hurt/spite other people, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct of inferiority/superiority and constructs about displays of power, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for all, because I realise and understand that the utilization of money as power is unacceptable.
I commit myself to stopping and removing all of my thought patterns and mind constructs about money as power, because I realise and understand that as long as I have those within me, I cannot be trusted with Life, I cannot trust myself with Life, because there exists a potential of abuse in me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use money as power over others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use money in order to buy affection and fondness of other people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy things for others in order for them to like me and to be my friends whom I could rely on in the future to have my back and essentially return the favour that I did them by buying things for them, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within an energetic debt system as a debtor, thus I am abusing others by binding them into a non-spoken contract/agreement that they will return what I perceive that I have given them, when in reality I handed over a few pieces of paper, a few numbers, an illusion.

Day 193: Misery loves company

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel miserable whenever I perceive that I am not succeeding with something and/or when something is not going according to my plans.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, whenever I feel miserable, look to other people to support my misery, and instead of me immediately taking responsibility for the way I experience myself and correct myself with self-forgiveness and with breathing, turn to other people to justify the way that I am feeling and talk to them about my misery from the starting point of wanting them to commiserate with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel justified and elevated within feeling miserable, thus allowing myself to keep the point with which I made myself miserable at status quo and doing nothing about it, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind and feeding it energy and am with that limiting myself and taking my own power to do something practical and change the point away from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want other people to tell me what a poor thing I am, thus empower my misery, whenever I am miserable about a point that I haven't succeeded in, in order to further justify my own inability to handle the point, instead of realising and understanding that I am severely limiting myself with this kind of behaviour.

When and as I see myself becoming miserable whenever I perceive that I am not able to handle something, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that with this emotion of misery I am limiting myself from finding a practical solution by justifying to myself that I cannot handle the point I am being miserable about and will even go as far as looking for other people to confirm this experience of myself. Therefore I immediately release the trigger point and thought pattern behind the misery with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath towards finding a solution to the point and do not allow myself to limit myself with feeling miserable.

When and as I see myself engaging or thinking about engaging other people into a conversation about the point of my misery, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that this is a point of abdication of self-responsibility, where I want to talk to others in order for them to help me justify my misery and empower it, thus confirm my inability to be self-responsible and find a solution to the point that I'm being miserable about. Therefore I stop myself with breathing and release the trigger point and thought pattern behind wanting to confirm and justify my misery, and direct myself in breath towards finding practical solutions and I do not allow myself to limit myself with misery and look for other people in order to justify it.

I commit myself to, whenever I am seeing myself becoming miserable, stop and remove all points I can find about the uprising emotion with self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, because I realise and understand that when I allow myself to be miserable, I am abdicating my self-responsibility and power to find solutions to whatever is bothering me and causing the misery.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support other people's misery, whenever we talk about points that make them miserable, instead of realising and understanding that I am justifying their inability to direct the point into an outcome that would be best in the context of best for all and disempowering them from doing so, because I would prefer it if they would support my mind like that as well, if I came to them, which I realise and understand is unacceptable.

When and as I see myself engaging in conversations with people that are miserable within a starting point of validating and justifying their misery, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am supporting their mind in limiting them from actually finding solutions for their points, because I would want them to reciprocate like that if the roles were reversed, and I also realise and understand that with this behaviour I am supporting the individual's and collective inability to direct oneself and be the solution to all that is here and all that self has to handle, therefore I release from myself the point of abdication of self-responsibility that I want to empower in them in that moment and I direct myself in breath towards finding solutions, and I do not allow myself to participate with this pattern and support this abdication of self-responsibility.

I commit myself to stopping myself and directing myself towards a solution that is best for all, whenever I see myself wanting to console and support other people's misery, because I realise and understand that otherwise I am only supporting disempowerment within myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into misery, whenever I feel too lazy to face and handle and direct a point, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for other people and want to talk to them in order to justify that I cannot handle this point and that my misery is justified, when in reality I am simply being too lazy to handle the point.

When and as I see myself wanting to go into misery because I am being too lazy to handle and direct a point, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am only justifying and empowering my laziness with misery, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern behind the misery/laziness with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath towards solving and directing the point, and I do not allow myself to be lazy about it.

I commit myself to immediately stopping myself whenever I see misery arising from laziness, because I realise and understand that I am only justifying my laziness with misery and am limiting myself from directing the point, therefore I commit myself to remove the laziness and direct the point(s) into an outcome that will be best for me within the context of what is best for all.

Day 189: Blaming myself for the way I look - continued

This blog is a continuation of my previous blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that there is something wrong with me because I am fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively and be angry at myself and hate myself, whenever I am trying to lose weight, and the number on the scale will not go down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a number on the scale, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself, whenever I see that the number on the scale has dropped from the previous day, and on the flip side feel bad about myself, whenever the number has not dropped or has increased from the previous day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive having a fat body as not being eligible to do all the activities that I have defined as normal for thin people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that as long as I am fat, I will never be able to enjoy all the activities with friends, family and partners that I perceive slim people to be able to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I shouldn't be wearing a swimsuit, and that the sight of me in a swimsuit is offensive to other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive fat people in a swimsuit to be an offensive sight for thin and slim people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that fat people should never be seen in a swimsuit, instead of realising and understanding that I have brainwashed myself into society standards of what it is acceptable to look like, and what is not acceptable in terms of appearance, not realising and understanding that I myself have adopted within myself the kind of thinking that I perceive to be abusive in other people, thus I am abusing myself with this kind of thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others and be angry at other people for accepting and allowing and following society norms about what one's appearance should be like, and for calling fat people names and believing that fat people are ugly, instead of realising and understanding that I myself have adopted these 'norms' within myself, and am therefore abusing myself with thoughts about these norms, and it is not other people that are abusing me with their perceptions and thoughts, but me myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that it is not other people who are abusing me with their beliefs, perceptions and definitions of fat and thin people, but me myself, because I have bought into and integrated within myself the societal standards of how one should look in order to be acceptable.

When and as I see myself feeling angry or energetic in any other way about what other people think/believe/perceive about fat and slim people, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am not in fact reacting to what they are saying, but to my own inner beliefs/perceptions/definitions of appearance that I triggered within myself through their words. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness until I am clear of the energetic reaction, and I direct myself in breath and do not allow myself to go into energetic reactions of blame towards others or myself for having certain beliefs about fat people, but I simply remove those beliefs from myself with self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, hateful and resentful, whenever I see/perceive that someone, especially someone who has in their life not struggled with weight, is trying to teach me something about weight loss. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with the thoughts 'how dare you, you know nothing, I have been researching this all my life', not realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct of feeling inferior, whenever someone is trying to teach me something about weight loss, and accompanying guilt for being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel outraged and diminished, whenever I see/perceive that someone is trying to give me dieting advice, especially if that someone never actually was obese or had weight problems, instead of remaining here in breath and not allowing myself to take other people's comments about my weight and dieting personally. 

When and as I see myself reacting to other people telling me what I should be doing in order to lose weight, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that by reacting to their statements I am allowing myself to validate myself through their words and am therefore giving my power away to someone else's perception and belief about me and weight loss, instead of remaining here in breath in self-certainty and self-trust that I know best how my body responds to various diets and weight loss plans.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that losing weight is as simple as cutting my calorie intake and exercising more, and within this feel guilt and shame for not being able to do so, not realising and understanding that with this perception/belief I have clouded my ability to see what is here, and that my weight loss/gain is not following the mechanism that I have accepted myself to believe it is.

In the next blog I will investigate the things that are apparently wrong with me.

Day 187: How words create my world

A few years ago my flatmate asked me to be honest with her. It was a touchy subject, and I should have anticipated that she would take my honesty hard, but I didn't, because I was caught up in my own desire to be seen as an honest person, as well as the belief that as long as one speaks the truth, nothing bad can happen, because the truth shall always prevail. (Assange and Snowden are proving this collective belief to be quite wrong.)

So while being caught up in my own conglomerate of beliefs, fears and desires, I was completely unaware of how my words would actually impact this person, whereas had I been clear of all this mental garbage, I would have clearly seen that my honesty was not going to have a positive outcome for this relationship, and sure enough, it crumbled and stopped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak before considering what kind of impact my words would have on the person that I am speaking to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so energetically possessed as to become completely unaware of the words that I am speaking and what kind of impact they are having on the people around me.

When and as I see myself being energetic and wanting to speak, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that if I speak from an energetic reaction, I am only causing discord and chaos, because I am not directing my words in breath within the context of what is best for all, but rather trying to prove a point, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath, and speak only when I am clear of all energetic reactions.

I commit myself to stopping myself whenever I see that I am being energetic, and within this I commit myself to really seeing myself whenever I am being possessed by anger/pride/vanity and effectively stopping myself in that moment with breathing within the realisation that speaking in that state of unawareness is going to have consequences that are not favourable.

Day 183: Blaming parents for not completing my education

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I've never amounted to anything and within this feel inferior to other human beings, whom I perceive have done something with their lives in terms of education and survival in the system - getting what I perceive to be a good job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that the goal in life is/should be getting the highest form of education, excel at it, get a job, excel at it, and within this I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel inferior/negative/less than because I perceived that I was unable to complete my schooling and get what I'd perceive to be an ideal job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior in the presence of people who have finished their schooling, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself and others who have not reached/completed the highest form of education as inferior to those that have completed it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear of not finishing my schooling/university within myself when I was a child, when I read in a paper article that a woman didn't/couldn't finish university and left before she graduated. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to that woman, and fear that I too will not be able to finish my schooling, not realising and understanding that that is when I started creating my own reality of not graduating from university.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as a student who is not capable of concentrating enough in order to learn the information presented at school, instead of realising and understanding that with this perception/definition I was creating an excuse for myself, because I didn't want to or had the drive to study and better myself amidst the emotional turmoil I subdued to because of living with alcoholic parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my childhood experience with my parents as hard and a turmoil, and use it as an excuse to not have to take responsibility for myself in the system in terms of educating myself effectively on how to survive in the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply not care what happens to me in terms of education and survival within the system and justify this not caring with having too many problems at home to be able to focus on my education and learning how to survive in the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the fact that my parents were alcoholics for me not studying, not wanting to study, not feeling like studying and not caring what happens to me in the future if I do not study, instead of realising and understanding that with this blame I am abdicating my self-responsibility and shifting it onto my parents, not realising and understanding that I was haring myself in the process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for the way I experienced myself as a child, instead of realising and understanding that I created my own inner experience and I myself allowed myself to feel like a victim and feel powerless as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child feel powerless and like a victim, instead of breathing here and not allowing myself to go into self-victimisation.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise as a child that I am the sole creator of my inner experience and that only I am responsible for what I create within my mind based on the input from outside of myself.

When and as I see myself wanting to blame my parents and their drinking of alcohol and irresponsible behaviour for the experiences I have created within myself and my reality in life, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within abdication of absolute self-responsibility within my mind, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath without blaming my parents, and I take absolute responsibility for the situation I am in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my parents as irresponsible and neglectful because they drank alcohol, and within this feel superior to them, instead of realising and understanding that with this I am justifying/causing separation between myself and my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my parents by defining and perceiving them as bad, neglectful and irresponsible parents, instead of realising and understanding that I am with this blaming my parents and with that abdicating my self-responsibility for the way I experience myself in this world.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my thought patterns about blaming my parents for the way I turned out, because I realise and understand that what I am is a result of what I have accepted and allowed to exist within my own mind.