Day 195: Walking alone in the woods in order to avoid people in the park

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when taking a walk, choose a path that is not too popular with other people and is less walked by them, in order to not have to meet people, not have to walk behind them in their pace while perceiving and judging them as being too slow, not have to fear being judged for my appearance by them, which I am fearing because I myself in my mind judge and compare to and compete with people in my field of vision based on appearance, way of walking or jogging. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then feel superior to other people and perceive myself as adventurous for taking a less popular path than the people who walk on surfaces that have been specifically designed to be walked on in the park.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to people whom I see jogging, whenever I take a walk, and be sad and angry with myself for not being as physically fit as them and not being able to run and with that get and keep myself physically fit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer seeing plants and animals on my walks rather than people, because plants and animals do not talk and do not judge, instead of realising and understanding that any kind of judgement I am fearing from people is actually a self-judgement that I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel calmer and happier with plants and animals than with people, because I perceive that I can be myself with plants and animals, and I perceive that with people I always have to keep up some energetic appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive people outside of my home whom I do not know as a burden, whenever I have to pass them, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anger, frustration and even hatred for people outside of my home, because I do not feel comfortable in my own skin in order to share myself, my self-expression unconditionally without fear of being judged for my appearance and behaviour, for which I realise and understand that I am fearing it because I'm doing it myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid people on my walks in order to not feel judged, not realising and understanding that I am fearing only my self-judgement, which I will experience as fear of others doing it to me.

When and as I see myself trying to avoid people on my walks because I fear being judged by them for my appearance and behaviour, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am fearing judgement, because I myself have judged others by appearance and behaviour on my walks, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath within the realisation that the judgement I fear is my own self-judgement, and I release that self-judgement with self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I commit myself to stopping myself every time I see myself wanting to avoid people on my walks due to fear of being judged by them for my appearance and behaviour, because I realise and understand that whatever judgement I am fearing that they have is actually my own self-judgement.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all of my self-judgements that I normally project as fear of others doing to me, with which I prevent myself from walking amongst people and avoid doing so because of my own judgements, because I realise and understand that with this kind of behaviour I am limiting myself from walking where I would actually like to be walking.

Day 189: Blaming myself for the way I look - continued

This blog is a continuation of my previous blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that there is something wrong with me because I am fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively and be angry at myself and hate myself, whenever I am trying to lose weight, and the number on the scale will not go down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a number on the scale, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself, whenever I see that the number on the scale has dropped from the previous day, and on the flip side feel bad about myself, whenever the number has not dropped or has increased from the previous day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive having a fat body as not being eligible to do all the activities that I have defined as normal for thin people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that as long as I am fat, I will never be able to enjoy all the activities with friends, family and partners that I perceive slim people to be able to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I shouldn't be wearing a swimsuit, and that the sight of me in a swimsuit is offensive to other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive fat people in a swimsuit to be an offensive sight for thin and slim people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that fat people should never be seen in a swimsuit, instead of realising and understanding that I have brainwashed myself into society standards of what it is acceptable to look like, and what is not acceptable in terms of appearance, not realising and understanding that I myself have adopted within myself the kind of thinking that I perceive to be abusive in other people, thus I am abusing myself with this kind of thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others and be angry at other people for accepting and allowing and following society norms about what one's appearance should be like, and for calling fat people names and believing that fat people are ugly, instead of realising and understanding that I myself have adopted these 'norms' within myself, and am therefore abusing myself with thoughts about these norms, and it is not other people that are abusing me with their perceptions and thoughts, but me myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that it is not other people who are abusing me with their beliefs, perceptions and definitions of fat and thin people, but me myself, because I have bought into and integrated within myself the societal standards of how one should look in order to be acceptable.

When and as I see myself feeling angry or energetic in any other way about what other people think/believe/perceive about fat and slim people, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am not in fact reacting to what they are saying, but to my own inner beliefs/perceptions/definitions of appearance that I triggered within myself through their words. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness until I am clear of the energetic reaction, and I direct myself in breath and do not allow myself to go into energetic reactions of blame towards others or myself for having certain beliefs about fat people, but I simply remove those beliefs from myself with self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, hateful and resentful, whenever I see/perceive that someone, especially someone who has in their life not struggled with weight, is trying to teach me something about weight loss. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with the thoughts 'how dare you, you know nothing, I have been researching this all my life', not realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct of feeling inferior, whenever someone is trying to teach me something about weight loss, and accompanying guilt for being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel outraged and diminished, whenever I see/perceive that someone is trying to give me dieting advice, especially if that someone never actually was obese or had weight problems, instead of remaining here in breath and not allowing myself to take other people's comments about my weight and dieting personally. 

When and as I see myself reacting to other people telling me what I should be doing in order to lose weight, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that by reacting to their statements I am allowing myself to validate myself through their words and am therefore giving my power away to someone else's perception and belief about me and weight loss, instead of remaining here in breath in self-certainty and self-trust that I know best how my body responds to various diets and weight loss plans.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that losing weight is as simple as cutting my calorie intake and exercising more, and within this feel guilt and shame for not being able to do so, not realising and understanding that with this perception/belief I have clouded my ability to see what is here, and that my weight loss/gain is not following the mechanism that I have accepted myself to believe it is.

In the next blog I will investigate the things that are apparently wrong with me.

Day 188: Blaming myself for the way I look

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself, hate myself, be resentful towards and angry with myself for the way I look / for being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt because I am fat within the belief that I am to blame that I am fat because I eat too much, instead of realising and understanding from my own observations of the amount of food I eat that there is something more going on than just the amount of food I eat that is responsible for the accumulation of fat on my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt in front of other people for being fat, because I think/believe/perceive that they are going to blame me for being fat and that I am to be blamed because I do not do anything about being fat, although I constantly and continuously battle my body to not be fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a constant and continuous battle with my body, within which I will work against it and deprive it of food and necessary nutrients in my belief that if I cut my food intake, I will lose weight, instead of realising and understanding from my observations of my own eating habits and weight fluctuations that I have a very limited influence on my weight, when I adjust my food intake, therefore the core of the problem is not in the amount and type of food I eat, but somewhere else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate about losing weight, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to lose weight in order to feel normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive having a slim body as normal, and having a fat body as abnormal, instead of relising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct of what is normal/beautiful and what is not, which I have built up through years of accumulating outside knowledge about these factors based on media and other people's perceptions of normal/beautiful and abnormal/ugly, not realising and understanding that I am with this only supporting the unreal mind polarity construct of perceptions about the human body, and am not taking into consideration the actual physical body and its functions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work against my body and constantly and continuously try to make it slimmer by investigating and applying different diets and exercise plans in order to mould myself into a shape that I have perceived and defined as acceptable, instead of realising and understanding after years of this application that I am harming my body by completely ignoring it while trying to mould it into a shape that I would deem acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my body whenever I would feel hungry, because I believed that by cutting my calorie intake dramatically I will force my body to lose weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to force my body into losing weight, and within that ignore what it is telling me.

I ask my body for forgiveness for working against it all these years and trying to force it into a shape that I, within my minds polarity constructs about normalcy and beauty, have conjured up to be acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that only having a slim body is acceptable, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never accept my body as my own due to perceiving that only a slim body is acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel remorse about having worked against my body in complete separation of it in order to mould it into a shape that I have defined as acceptable, instead of realising and understanding that crying about time that I have lost in the past by working against my body is not going to have any practically useful outcome, and I am just wasting time with this remorse.

I ask my body for forgiveness for starving it within my minds desire to be thin, slim and have a body of a shape that I deemed acceptable and normal.

I ask my body for forgiveness for using chemicals with the starting point of wanting to lose weight, with which I substituted the nourishment and nutrients that my body needed from food.

I ask my body for forgiveness for separating myself from it in the moment when I accepted the belief that there is apparently something wrong with my body because it is fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my body by starting to believe that there is something wrong with my body because I saw/perceived it as fatter than the bodies of my female friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my body by starting to hate it, when I was being teased by my peers for being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start working against my body by starving and trying to shape and mould it into something that would not cause my peers to tease me and call me names for being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become reluctant to go and be outside with my peers because I was afraid all the time of being teased about being fat, and I would rather stay inside and entertain myself with tv, books and comics, while trying to figure out a way to mould and shape my body into a form that would be perceived as acceptable, that I would not be teased about, and could spend time with my peers outside in comfortable self-expression without being teased.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel cheated out of the experience of being comfortable with myself and having relaxed self-expression in the company of my peers due to being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when in company of other people, constantly and continuously be afraid and worry about people teasing me about being fat, and what they are going to say about my body, and within this never feel relaxed and ok about myself.

When and as I see myself worrying and being afraid of what other people might say or think about my body, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct that I have built up a long time ago based on my past experiences with my peers teasing me about being fat, within which I define having a slim body as acceptable and having a fat body as unacceptable. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath, not allowing myself to participate within my mind's/society's perceptions and beliefs about what a body should look like.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all perceptions, beliefs, wants, needs, desires, mind constructs about what a body should look like, because I realise and  understand that a body's appearance is not important for its functions, and that the mind/society's construct on what bodies should look like is only an abusive limiting thought pattern with which we abuse ourselves and others by participating in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with sadness, frustration, anger and resentment, whenever I was/am being teased about being fat, and feel enraged because my influence on my body's weight is very limited and I cannot mould it into the shape that would stop people from teasing me for being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and react with hatred, anger, resentment, and a wish for revenge, whenever I see/perceive that people are teasing me about being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start believing that there is something really actually wrong with me for being fat, because people were teasing me for it, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start wishing/wanting/needing/desiring to change myself into a shape that will not be wrong and will prevent people from teasing me about being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a misanthrope and start hating people and hating humanity for perceiving me in a way that I do not perceive myself.

to be continued