Day 214: Putting things off

One of my most prominent and tenacious behaviour patterns is procrastination. I remember once writing a blog on it with self-forgiveness, where I was forgiving myself for procrastinating, but afterwards I didn't change. Today I realised why. Because I am not living the word procrastination. This is an English word that is only part of my knowledge. I know what it means and I know how to use it, but I don't say to myself: "I'm gonna procrastinate now." What I do live is the statement: "I don't feel like it right now." There's many other statements that make up my procrastination pattern, like:
"I still have time to do it.
I will do it later.
If I don't do it now, the consequences are not going to be that bad, I hope.
I will do this first thing in the morning, but now I am going to do something I enjoy."
I'm going to tackle this pattern for real now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, whenever I have work, duties and obligations, and feel resistance towards doing them, use the statements "I do not feel like it right now, I still have time to do it, I will do it later, I hope the consequences are not going to be that bad if I don't do it now, I will do this first thing in the morning, but now I am going to do something I enjoy" in order to persuade myself and justify not doing them immediately.

When and as I see myself trying to use those statements to persuade myself into and justify not doing my work, obligations and duties, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am compromising myself and the quality of my life by putting off my work until the last minute, where I will often be late with completing it, therefore I commit myself to push myself and push through the resistance I might be feeling to get the work done in time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for excuses, justifications and explanations for why it is ok for me to be late with work or fulfilling my obligations/duties.

I've always taken my duties and obligations lightly, ever since elementary school. I never really took them seriously, I never really worried about them, because all my capacity for worrying was used up by the situation at home. Compared to what was going on at home, the consequences of not doing my schoolwork on time seemed laughably small. I used to worry that my mother one day simply wouldn't come home anymore. Schoolwork was the last thing on my mind. That is why I never developed self-discipline.
In my teenage years I started using the situation at home as an excuse to not do my schoolwork or to get special treatment, when I learned that teachers and adults in general tend to be more lenient, when they know what is going on in my life. I remember being really surprised, when this method didn't work on our social worker in high school.
This all lead to me never developing real working skills, which is biting me in the ass today, and I want to rectify it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself for having a hard situation at home, and in that feeling sorry for myself say "fuckit, I'm not going to do my obligations, what's the point anyway", not realising and understanding at the time that I should be doing my schoolwork for myself and not because it is being asked of me by adults.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my obligations/duties/work lightly and avoid doing them until the last minute or until it is already too late.

When and as I see myself wanting to wait with my duties/work/obligations and wanting to put them off to a later time, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am with this sort of behaviour compromising myself, because other people involved usually do not have the patience/understanding for why I am being late with my work, therefore I commit myself to breathe through the resistance towards work and direct myself towards doing it in the first possible time slot I have available for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my life situation as hard in order to use it as an excuse to not do my work/duties/obligations immediately when I have the chance.

When and as I see myself trying to justify and look for excuses for not doing my work/duties/obligations immediately when I can by perceiving that my life situation is hard, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am with this compromising my own life and well-being, therefore I commit  myself to removing the excuses, stabilizing myself in breath and directing myself towards getting my work done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/think/perceive that I am not an organized person and that I lack self-discipline to do all my work on time, instead of realising and understanding that I am creating myself to be that way by believing it, therefore I commit myself to immediately stop myself with breath, when I notice myself thinking this about myself, and directing myself towards completing my work in the necessary time frame.

I also always had a great resistance towards schedules, because I perceive that they take freedom and spontaneity away from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate and loathe schedules and scheduling my days, my life, because I perceived/believed that scheduling takes the freedom and spontaneity out of life. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist making schedules for myself, instead of realising and understanding that they make life a lot easier, because then I can follow a list instead of deciding in the moment what I will be doing next, and losing time with it.

When and as I see myself resisting making a schedule for myself, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that making a schedule will make things much easier for me, therefore I commit myself to remove my resistances and direct myself to make the schedule and follow it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am a person who does not enjoy following schedules, not realising and understanding that I am manifesting and creating myself that way, thus I am limiting myself to a set of beliefs about what I should or shouldn't do, enjoy and be like.

When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that I do not enjoy making and following schedules, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I have never given myself the opportunity to expand myself by making schedules for myself and see how they impact my life, therefore I commit myself to try scheduling out for myself.

In the next blog I will be focusing on my tendency to not follow schedules and previously made arrangements with other people.

198: The Fear and Pride in Perfectionism

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit my work in a less than what I perceive to be perfect form due to fear that if I do not submit my work in a perfect form, that someone will find a mistake in my translation and have me fired for it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become obsessed with submitting perfect translations to the point of not allowing myself to have any free time for myself in the day, but spend almost all of my time on work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that a viewer might notice a mistake in my translation and write to my superiors and have me fired for it, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of losing my livelihood, my financial self-support in case I got fired, instead of realising and understanding that I am through this fear abdicating my absolute self-responsibility to keep myself financially stable and fluent to support myself within the system with any kind of job I can get.
When and as I see myself becoming overly worried and perfectionistic about my work, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am being overly perfectionistic because I'm afraid to make a mistake and I am fearing the possibility of being fired due to a mistake or mistakes, thus I am afraid of losing my source of income. I also realise and understand and trust myself that I can provide for myself another source of income in case I lose my job, and I realise and understand that I fear losing this job because I perceive it as glamorous and respected, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern of the perfectionism with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath and do not allow myself to be overly perfectionistic to the point of wasting my own time with unimportant details.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my job as a translator to be a respected and glamorous job, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I will make myself feel superior to other people for being a translator and am causing separation within myself and my world by defining/perceiving some jobs to be better/more than and others as worse/less than.
I commit myself to stopping and removing my wasteful and time-consuming perfectionism, because I realise and understand that otherwise I will be limiting myself only to my job and being good at work and I will not be allowing myself to expand in other areas of my life.
I commit myself to allowing myself to not worry and be perfectionistic about my job, so that I may expand myself in and explore and enjoy self-expression in other areas of my life that I am currently neglecting/ignoring due to being overly perfectionistic about my job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overly perfectionistic about my work to the extent of compromising my time, my life, my self-expression in physical movement, my process, in order to do a perfect job so that I may get feedback from others, especially my former boss, that I am doing a good job, so that I could feel proud of myself and the work that I have done, instead of realising and understanding that with this kind of behaviour and thinking I am limiting myself into a mind polarity construct, where I will feel pride as superiority to others/my peers for having done a good job, and on the flip side I will fear making a mistake and consequentially feel shame for not having done a good job, not realising and understanding that I am simply generating energy with these thoughts for my mind to survive as ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pride as superiority over others, whenever I perceive that I have done a good job with my work, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overly perfectionistic about my job and the work that I do in order to be able to feel that pride as superiority over others, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be perceived as a good translator so that I could be proud of that aspect of myself.
When and as I see myself being overly perfectionistic about my job and the work that I do, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I will feel pride for doing a good job, and on the flip side I will feel fear of not doing a good job and therefore feeling shame, thus I am generating energy for my mind to survive as ego. Therefore I release the trigger point and though pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards doing the necessary adequate work, and I do not allow myself to go into desire to be proud of my work, as I realise and understand that with that I am only supporting my ego and am not being productive at all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become overly perfectionistic about my job and the work that I do due to fear of being scolded by my superiors for not doing a good job and due to fear of being fired by my superiors for not doing a good job. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work from a starting point of fear due to allowing the memory of my boss yelling at me for making mistakes to linger around in me and generate the need for perfectionism so that I would avoid being yelled at if I make a mistake.

Day 183: Blaming parents for not completing my education

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I've never amounted to anything and within this feel inferior to other human beings, whom I perceive have done something with their lives in terms of education and survival in the system - getting what I perceive to be a good job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that the goal in life is/should be getting the highest form of education, excel at it, get a job, excel at it, and within this I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel inferior/negative/less than because I perceived that I was unable to complete my schooling and get what I'd perceive to be an ideal job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior in the presence of people who have finished their schooling, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself and others who have not reached/completed the highest form of education as inferior to those that have completed it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear of not finishing my schooling/university within myself when I was a child, when I read in a paper article that a woman didn't/couldn't finish university and left before she graduated. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to that woman, and fear that I too will not be able to finish my schooling, not realising and understanding that that is when I started creating my own reality of not graduating from university.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as a student who is not capable of concentrating enough in order to learn the information presented at school, instead of realising and understanding that with this perception/definition I was creating an excuse for myself, because I didn't want to or had the drive to study and better myself amidst the emotional turmoil I subdued to because of living with alcoholic parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my childhood experience with my parents as hard and a turmoil, and use it as an excuse to not have to take responsibility for myself in the system in terms of educating myself effectively on how to survive in the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply not care what happens to me in terms of education and survival within the system and justify this not caring with having too many problems at home to be able to focus on my education and learning how to survive in the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the fact that my parents were alcoholics for me not studying, not wanting to study, not feeling like studying and not caring what happens to me in the future if I do not study, instead of realising and understanding that with this blame I am abdicating my self-responsibility and shifting it onto my parents, not realising and understanding that I was haring myself in the process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for the way I experienced myself as a child, instead of realising and understanding that I created my own inner experience and I myself allowed myself to feel like a victim and feel powerless as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child feel powerless and like a victim, instead of breathing here and not allowing myself to go into self-victimisation.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise as a child that I am the sole creator of my inner experience and that only I am responsible for what I create within my mind based on the input from outside of myself.

When and as I see myself wanting to blame my parents and their drinking of alcohol and irresponsible behaviour for the experiences I have created within myself and my reality in life, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within abdication of absolute self-responsibility within my mind, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath without blaming my parents, and I take absolute responsibility for the situation I am in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my parents as irresponsible and neglectful because they drank alcohol, and within this feel superior to them, instead of realising and understanding that with this I am justifying/causing separation between myself and my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my parents by defining and perceiving them as bad, neglectful and irresponsible parents, instead of realising and understanding that I am with this blaming my parents and with that abdicating my self-responsibility for the way I experience myself in this world.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my thought patterns about blaming my parents for the way I turned out, because I realise and understand that what I am is a result of what I have accepted and allowed to exist within my own mind.