Day 195: Walking alone in the woods in order to avoid people in the park

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when taking a walk, choose a path that is not too popular with other people and is less walked by them, in order to not have to meet people, not have to walk behind them in their pace while perceiving and judging them as being too slow, not have to fear being judged for my appearance by them, which I am fearing because I myself in my mind judge and compare to and compete with people in my field of vision based on appearance, way of walking or jogging. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then feel superior to other people and perceive myself as adventurous for taking a less popular path than the people who walk on surfaces that have been specifically designed to be walked on in the park.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to people whom I see jogging, whenever I take a walk, and be sad and angry with myself for not being as physically fit as them and not being able to run and with that get and keep myself physically fit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer seeing plants and animals on my walks rather than people, because plants and animals do not talk and do not judge, instead of realising and understanding that any kind of judgement I am fearing from people is actually a self-judgement that I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel calmer and happier with plants and animals than with people, because I perceive that I can be myself with plants and animals, and I perceive that with people I always have to keep up some energetic appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive people outside of my home whom I do not know as a burden, whenever I have to pass them, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anger, frustration and even hatred for people outside of my home, because I do not feel comfortable in my own skin in order to share myself, my self-expression unconditionally without fear of being judged for my appearance and behaviour, for which I realise and understand that I am fearing it because I'm doing it myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid people on my walks in order to not feel judged, not realising and understanding that I am fearing only my self-judgement, which I will experience as fear of others doing it to me.

When and as I see myself trying to avoid people on my walks because I fear being judged by them for my appearance and behaviour, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am fearing judgement, because I myself have judged others by appearance and behaviour on my walks, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath within the realisation that the judgement I fear is my own self-judgement, and I release that self-judgement with self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I commit myself to stopping myself every time I see myself wanting to avoid people on my walks due to fear of being judged by them for my appearance and behaviour, because I realise and understand that whatever judgement I am fearing that they have is actually my own self-judgement.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all of my self-judgements that I normally project as fear of others doing to me, with which I prevent myself from walking amongst people and avoid doing so because of my own judgements, because I realise and understand that with this kind of behaviour I am limiting myself from walking where I would actually like to be walking.

Day 194: Feeling uneasy in crowds

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel self-conscious and insecure about myself, my appearance and my behaviour in crowds of people. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start hating crowds, because I perceived that I am being judged by a large number of people at the same time, instead of realising that I am the one judging myself, and I multiply and increase that self-judgment in a large crowd of people, thus feeling way more uneasy and self-conscious than normally, and instead of realising and understanding that I am fearing being done to what I have been doing myself, therefore
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at people in crowds and judge them individually based on their appearance and behaviour in order to make myself feel superior and good about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with friends and other people in talking shit about random people in crowds in order to get a sense of belonging with the people I'm talking with, instead of realising and understanding that with this behaviour I am supporting abuse and inequality, I am doing onto another what I wouldn't want to have done onto me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my fear of being talked shit about, being gossiped about and being addressed with harsh and hurtful words in crowds behind anger and hatred of crowds, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to avoid crowds, especially when I am feeling self-conscious about my appearance. I also forgive myself for accepting and allowing to feel good in crowds and proud of myself and my appearance, whenever I perceive that my appearance is good, satisfactory, that I am pretty, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'like' crowds from the perspective of being admired by males and envied by females for my appearance (note: I've already written on this last point extensively, just not within the context of crowds, which is the focus of this blog)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to counter my fear of being judged in crowds with hostile thoughts and behaviour towards people in them and humanity in general, and label and judge them as sheeple in order to make myself feel superior to the people in crowds to counter my feeling of inferiority in them.

When and as I see myself becoming nervous and anxious in crowds, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am fearing being judged by others as I have judged others myself in crowds, therefore I apply this realisation, I remove the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath, not allowing myself to judge other and myself, but stay here in breath in equality with all that is here.

When and as I see myself wanting to judge people in a crowd or the crowd in general as sheeple, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am trying to make myself feel superior in order to compensate for the feeling of inferiority that comes up in me, therefore I release the trigger point of inferiority and following thought pattern with self-forgiveness, and I direct myself in breath, not allowing myself to judge anyone as well as myself, but stay here in breath in equality with all that is here.

I commit myself to stopping and removing my anxiety towards crowds, because I realise and understand that it is stemming from my fear of being judged as I have judged others in crowds in the past.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all of my trigger points and thought patterns that lead me to judge people in crowds, such as wanting to belong with the people that I am judging/gossiping with, and feelings of inferiority due to comparison and competition, thus I commit myself to stopping and removing all of my thoughts of comparison and competition with people in crowds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must compare, compete and win over people in crowds in terms of appearance, behaviour and popularity.

When and as I see myself comparing myself to people in crowds, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within an automated mind-pattern of superiority and inferiority, with which I feed energy to my mind as ego for it to survive, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern of comparison and consequential competition and desire to win, and I direct myself in breath in equality with all that is here.

I commit myself to stopping comparing, competing and desiring to win in crowds in terms of appearance, behaviour and popularity, because I realise and understand that with this behaviour I am simply feeding my mind energy for it to survive as ego instead of being here in breath in with myself in equality with all that is here.