Day 206: "Doing accounts is so boooring and I don't want to!"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to shift my responsibilities for taking care of my business onto other people, and have them take care of those responsibilities of mine so that I wouldn't have to work and educate myself in order to be absolutely responsible for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have other people, like my accountant, take care of my expenses sheets so that I would not have to be bothered with them. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive having to do expenses sheets for myself/my business as a hassle, as a burden, as a bother, instead of allowing myself to learn and be the directive principle of my own business, not realising and understanding that with these negative perceptions about doing expense sheets about my business, I am limiting myself from being able to look at the point, learning and educating myself about the point, and taking full responsibility and be the directive principle in whole of my business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up resistances towards accounting and doing accountant responsibilities for my business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate accounting business with mathematics, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a negative attitude towards doing my accounts and my expense sheets, instead of realising and understanding that I am severely limiting myself from being absolutely self-responsible and in control of my business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as the non-accounting type, as one that is too dumb and too limited and too uneducated to be able to be doing accountant work for my business such as expense sheets, and too dumb and limited to educate myself about the way my business works within the system, instead of realising and understanding that with these perceptions I am making excuses for myself to not have to take absolute self-responsibility and could rather shift that responsibility for my business onto my accountant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think in this moment that "if my friend's mother can do expense sheets, then so can I", instead of realising and understanding that I am going into comparison and competition, and I am also feeling ashamed of myself for not wanting to take responsibility for my business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate doing my accounts, my expenses sheets to boring mathematics.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive mathematics boring and uninteresting, instead of realising and understanding that with this definition/perception I am giving myself permission to not learn it, thus I am limiting myself and abdicating my responsibility towards learning mathematics.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as one that is not naturally talented mathematician, instead of realising and understanding that I have been limiting myself my whole life with this perception and abdicating my responsibility towards learning mathematics.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that some people are naturally gifted for mathematics, and some are not, instead of realising and understanding that learning mathematics is only a matter of exercise, which I have proven to myself numerous times when I passed tests for which I actually studied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of mathematics because I have within myself built up a mind construct about mathematics being hard and incomprehensible to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself when I thought that I am not able to be good with mathematics, instead of realising and understanding that I was simply giving into laziness because I didn't feel like doing the necessary exercises in order to fully grasp mathematics.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I have been limiting myself my whole life from learning mathematics by creating a perception within myself about mathematics, which I charged negatively and so have created resistance towards mathematics.

When and as I see myself feeling any kind of polarity energetic movements within myself towards mathematics or any other school subject, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment compromising myself and limiting myself from effectively learning about that subject, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself towards effectively learning about the subject without any polarized energetic perceptions about it.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my energetic, polarized perceptions about things that I need to learn, because I realise and understand that by allowing myself to have those perceptions, I am limiting myself from effectively learning and I am compromising myself with ignorance about those things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that accountant's work is too complicated and hard for me to comprehend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to accountants for not knowing and understanding the work that they do so that a business may be fully operational within the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself inside a cycle of not wanting to learn new things about how my business is set up and works within the system, and make excuses such as "I just want to be a translator", instead of realising and understanding that by not knowing anything about how my business works within the system, I am severely limiting and compromising myself and putting myself up for failure and to be a victim to the mistakes of other people who are handling my business in terms of accounts and how it is set up in the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed by the amount of data that I have to read and learn about how my business works within the system, instead of realising and understanding that I must take things one by one, breath by breath, and not allow myself to become overwhelmed, because that is me as the mind wanting to abdicate my self-responsibility for learning and expanding myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define learning new things as overwhelming and impossible and a hassle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated if I do not understand something right away, instead of allowing myself to be patient with myself and collect all the necessary data in order for me to effectively learn something new.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to give up in the moment when I do not understand something, instead of realising and understanding that this is how I have ruined my life up until now, and by giving up understanding something, I am severely limiting and compromising myself within the system.

When and as I see myself experiencing resistance towards taking absolute self-responsibility within the business system as not wanting to learn something new or being frustrated because I do not immediately understand something, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment compromising myself and limiting myself and abdicating my full self-responsibility for being the directive principle of my business and my life, therefore I immediately release the cause of resistance with self-forgiveness and I direct myself towards becoming fully educated about how my business is set up within the system.

I commit myself to fully educating myself on and about how my business is set up within the system, about doing my accounts, expense sheets and learning about taxation, so that I may never become compromised and limited and a victim of the system because I didn't know something, because I realise and understand that in order to be fully directive in the system, I must know how the system operates.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel resistance towards learning how businesses operate within the system because I have defined/perceived businessmen to be greedy people who are abusers, and I didn't want to perceive/define myself as such. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate businessmen and define/perceive them as abusers who take advantage of other people and the system for their personal gain, instead of realising and understanding that I am with this perception putting myself in a superior position, thus I have used this perception as a definition of myself, my personality, to feed my mind as ego energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to businesspeople and their ability to take advantage of the system for their personal gain, and their knowledge of how to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that I was one that had knowledge and information about how to take advantage of the system for personal gain and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel jealous and envious of businesspeople who have the knowledge, information and ability to be successful and rich within the system, not realising and understanding and being aware of the fact that those people also had to at some point learn about how to create and develop and direct their businesses in order to become successful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel reluctant to learn about how to build a strong business because of my fear of not being able to understand the knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define economics as a subject that is boring and complicated and impossible to learn, instead of realising and understanding that I am with this perception limiting myself and giving myself permission to not even try to understand it.

When and as I see myself perceiving anything that has to be learned as difficult, boring, complicated, too much or too vast for me to learn, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment giving myself permission to limit myself, to not put in the work and time that is needed for me to understand the knowledge. Therefore I immediately release the trigger point and thought pattern of my limiting perception with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath towards learning what I need to learn in order to be effective, one thing at a time, breath by breath, until I have learned it effectively, and I do not allow myself to go into any kind of polarized perceptions about what I am learning in that moment.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all of my polarized perceptions and definitions about things that need to be learned/that I need to learn, because I realise and understand that nothing is impossible to learn, and for me to learn something, I must put in the necessary time and effort, and by having polarized perceptions/definitions about the knowledge, I am limiting myself as ego and compromising my ability to learn the knowledge.

Day 205: Stopping my judgments towards healthy living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and laugh at people, who consume organic foods and are interested in organic solutions and body cleanses and health tips and ayurveda and holistic medicine, instead of realising and understanding that by doing so, I have put myself in my mind onto a pedestal of 'knowing better', thus in a superior position to them, with which I generate energy for my mind to exist as ego. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now feel ashamed of myself for investigating the same things, after being concerned that my body has become toxic after years of consumption of polluted processed food, and I also forgive myself for being ashamed of making fun of these people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/perceive/define people who are interested and are investigating healthy living as health freaks and hypochondriacs, instead of realising and understanding that I am using this perception as a way of making myself feel superior to them, and I am on the flipside of this construct feeling inferior to them as being someone who doesn't have the money to play along in this what I perceived to be a fad. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label/perceive/define looking for organic foods and caring about health as a fad, not realising and understanding that I have also created this perception in order to make myself feel superior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become irritated and feel superior, whenever someone talks about organic food and alternative medicine, not realising and understanding that I am doing so from my own limited standpoint of having been educated within the westerner medical/pharmaceutical system, in which I learned (and adopted this knowledge as an ego point to feel superior through knowledge) only about western research and experiments, which are kept in strict separation within different disciplines, and I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that separate disciplines are a way to take on science, not realising and understanding that everything within the physical bodies of all beings and everything in nature is interconnected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive holistic medicine as a bunch of bullshit, not realising and understanding that I have picked this belief up from my father, and have taken on his negative view of it and made it part of my ego/personality, instead of investigating holistic medicine for myself and making my own conclusions about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive myself to be an expert on medical/health/pharmaceutical issues due to having been educated in those fields, and thus become irritated and angry, frustrated, resentful and spiteful, whenever that knowledge is challenged, by reacting with inferiority by taking it personally by feeling that I am not being respected as an individual who was educated in these things, thus I am reacting by lashing out with superiority and try to discredit the source of information and act like my source of information is the only valid one, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct of superiority and inferiority, within which I am only generating energy for my mind to exist as ego, and thus am limiting myself from learning new things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive myself to be an expert in dieting and healthy eating because I have read some books on it years ago, instead of realising and understanding that I have trapped myself into a very limited mind construct of considering only that data to be reliable, and shunning all other data as not reliable, not realising and understanding that I have allowed this to become an ego point with which I generate energy for my mind and am not taking into consideration any other type of research or even considering trying out new things for myself.

When and as I see myself in any way energetically reacting to topics about health, weight loss, diets, natural healing, organic foods, ayurveda, holistic methods, alternative medicine and anything that is related to the health of the physical body and nature, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I have allowed myself to become limited by knowledge that I took in throughout my life, and have started to shun any other knowledge that doesn't relate to and fall in with my own sources of knowledge, and that in the moment of reaction I am participating within my mind's polarity construct of inferiority and superiority around knowledge, with which I only fuel my ego with energy. Thus I stop myself, I breathe, I do not allow myself to act on the reaction, but I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself within the awareness that I do not know everything, that I have much to learn and that different things work differently for different people.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my energetic reactions towards knowledge and information about the physical body and nature, about health and dieting and medicine and pharmacy, because I realise and understand that any kind of energetic reactions towards this knowledge means that I have created a personal relationship with it in my mind, with which I generate positive or negative energy within myself to keep my ego going, and am thus limiting myself and not allowing myself to expand by taking in new knowledge and information.

Day 204: Feeling neglected by my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience unhappiness due to my mother and father drinking and fighting. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for giving me an unhappy childhood, not realising and understanding that I am myself within my own body generating the feeling of unhappiness and is therefore my own responsibility to deal with and remove. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for me being fat due to eating in order to make myself happier and forget, not realising and understanding that it was my own decision to eat and so try to make myself happier to compensate for the feeling of unhappiness.

When and as I see myself wanting to blame my parents, especially my mother, for having had a difficult and unhappy childhood, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment participating within my mind's victimization construct, where I will shift responsibility to how I feel, how I experience myself and how I came out in life, what I've created out of my life, onto my parents. Therefore I remove the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath not allowing myself to participate within the victimization construct, because I realize that I have created it in order to not have to take responsibility for my life and my choices.

I commit myself to removing my victimization construct from my mind, because I realise and understand that I have created it within myself in order to no to have to be held accountable for my actions, choices and decisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for not helping me identify and develop my talents into skills, instead of realising and understanding that the responsibility for developing my skills lies wholly within myself, and blaming my parents is just an excuse with which I shift responsibility onto them because I myself was too lazy and didn't give myself direction to develop my talents into skills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and disappointed with my parents for never helping me properly develop my talents into skills, instead of realising and understanding that with these emotions I am giving myself permission to not develop my skills on my own and limit myself to not being skilled and justify it with the emotions I have towards my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents and my unhappy childhood for all the mistakes, bad decisions and bad choices that I made in my life, not realising and understanding that with this blame I am keeping myself in a bad place of bad choices and decisions, because I am abdicating my full self-responsibility and ability to change myself and my ways.

When and as I see myself wanting to blame my parents for not helping me develop my skills during childhood, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's limiting victimization construct by shifting responsibility for developing my skills onto my parents, and I am inhibiting myself from taking responsibility to develop my skills myself. Therefore I breathe, I do not allow myself to go into the victimization construct, I remove trigger points and thoughts with self-forgiveness and direct myself within the awareness that no one is to blame for anything that happened in my life, and that I am responsible for everything that I do or not do.

I commit myself to removing all points of blame towards my parents, because I realise and understand that by blaming my parents, I am justifying to myself the status quo, I am making up excuses and justifications for it, I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility and I am inhibiting myself from directing myself towards where I would like to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry, sad, frustrated, resentful, neglected and disappointed, when I saw that my parents are not too interested in what is going on in my life, how I am doing in school, how I feel, what things I need, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label them as bad parents and blame them for everything bad that would be happening in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a construct of feeling neglected by my parents within my mind, within which I would blame them, especially my mother, for everything that went wrong in my life, not realising and understanding that by participating in this construct, I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility for my life.

When and as I see myself wanting to bring up in my mind the emotion of being neglected by my parents/my mother, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment participating within abdicating my absolute self-responsibility by wanting to blame my parents for how I feel - I am participating within my victimization construct. Therefore I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to participate within my mind and so feed it energy, but I remain in breath and remove trigger points that I see come up with self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to stopping and removing my mind constructs around feeling neglected by my parents and other people, because I realise and understand that I am with those constructs only harming and limiting myself, and inhibiting myself from taking absolute self-responsibility and directing myself towards where I want to be.

Day 203: Defiance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a point of defiance, whenever someone, especially my partner, dares me to do/not do something, where I will go and not do/do that exact thing in order to 'stand my ground' against them, instead of realising and understanding that with this action I am actually creating friction within myself and the other person, I am generating energy for myself as my mind to exist as ego, and I am not taking into consideration the other person, but I am being deliberately spiteful towards them, thus I am not standing equal to them, but I am opposing them and harming our relationship.

When and as I see myself wanting to go into a position of defiance, where I will take a dare and make it personal and will take a stance that is opposite of the other person's in order to validate myself as 'standing my ground', I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment participating within my mind as ego in order to generate energy for it to survive, I am not standing as an equal to all that is here, and I am harming myself and my relationship to the other person. Therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath and do not allow myself to go into the point of defiance towards the other.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all points of defiance from myself, because I realise and understand that within defiance I am generating conflict within myself and my world for the sake of generating energy for my mind to survive as ego, thus I am harming myself and am limiting myself into a mind construct and am not standing equal to all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate going into defiance towards another and doing the opposite of what they are asking/telling me to do with pride. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel proud of myself, whenever I take a stance that is opposite of the one of the person that I perceive is daring me, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior within that pride and in my mind make myself more than/superior/better than the other person, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I am compensating for the feeling of inferiority that I experience whenever I am being dared to do something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior/less than/diminished, whenever I see/perceive that someone is daring me to do something, and think/believe/perceive that if I do not take their dare and do the opposite of what they want/ask, then I am a coward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, resentment, frustration, fury, whenever I see/perceive that someone is challenging me to do something in their own emotional reaction, instead of realising and understanding that by allowing myself to react emotionally to their state, I am accepting their energetic challenge, and I am participating within my own mind's construct of inferiority and superiority, where I will try and prove myself to the other person and myself as superior, and will resort to all kinds of violent behaviour, not realising and understanding that I am harming myself and the other person in the process in order to generate energy for my mind to exist as ego.

When and as I see myself emotionally reacting to what I perceive to be another person's challenge, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment compromising myself and the other person, I am compromising our relationship, all for the sake of generating energy for my mind as ego. Therefore I stop myself with breathing, I release the trigger points and thought patterns with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath not allowing myself to go into an emotional energetic reaction towards the person whom I perceive to be challenging me, but I direct myself within the realisation that only I myself can make myself feel challenged and also make myself feel not challenged.

I commit myself to stopping and removing any and all emotional reaction towards people whom I perceive are trying to dare me, challenge me, because I realise and understand that only I myself can make myself feel challenged and also only I myself can stop this feeling within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a victim, whenever I see/perceive that someone/my partner is trying to challenge me, dare me to do or not do something, or is trying to hurt me, insult me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the emotions of sadness and inferiority and powerlessness, instead of immediately stopping myself and not allowing myself to go into emotional reaction.

When and as I see myself feeling like a victim, going into sadness and inferiority and powerlessness, whenever I perceive that someone is trying to challenge me/dare me into doing or not doing something, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I am in that moment focusing on the negative energies, with which I feed my mind as ego in order to survive. I also realise and understand that I will eventually as the mind try to go into the positive polarity of the construct by trying to return the insults, the hurtful words, with which I will try to within myself generate the feeling of superiority and being more in order to compensate for the feeling of inferiority, and with them will try to put the other person down in order to achieve that. I realise and understand that this behaviour is unacceptable and highly harmful for everyone included, and I also realise that within that I am limiting myself into one small polarity construct of my mind, where I am then not standing equal to the other person/people and all that is here. Therefore I stop myself with breathing, I release the trigger point of feeling like a victim and all thoughts that create the feeling and the potential consequential thoughts of the opposite polarity, and I do not allow myself to go into any kind of energetic reaction towards people whom I perceive are trying to challenge me and dare me to do or not do something.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all of my energetic reactions towards/within situations, where I see/perceive that someone is trying to challenge me/dare me into doing/saying or not doing/saying something, because I realise and understand that by participating within energetic reactions towards and within such situations, I am only feeding energy to my mind as ego, and I am creating a potentially dangerous, harmful and compromising situation, which is unacceptable.

Day 202: Releasing the desire for falling in love

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and live within and as the desire for lovey-dovey feelings and emotions of 'falling in love'. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize and desire and want and need to have physical contact with a boy I find cute within this emotion/feeling of 'falling in love' and think/believe/perceive that I cannot live without this experience and that this experience is the meaning of human life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive the experience of falling in love and the hormonal bliss it brings as something that I should ultimately strive for in my life.

When and as I see myself fantasizing about having a hormonal lovey-dovey relationship, when I see myself fantasizing about the excitement and exhilaration and ecstasy of 'falling in love' and kissing and having sex with a new man, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within the desire for the addictive substances that my mind releases in my body whenever a new relationship like that occurs, and I also realise that this is a way of my mind countering perceived boredom and monotony, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern and I direct myself in breath.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my desires for new relationships and all my desires for feeling the rush, excitement, exhilaration and ecstasy of 'falling in love', because I realise and understand that this is an addictive pattern of my mind as ego, where I look for a higher experience of myself to feel good, superior, nice, lovey-dovey, because I have not accepted experiencing myself as enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive the everyday living experience of myself as 'not enough', as not fun enough, and therefore look for a heightened experience of myself as myself falling in love and experiencing the lovey-dovey hormonal experience of excitement, exhilaration and ecstasy with another in order to feel better than by myself in my everyday experience of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself by defining /perceiving my everyday experience of myself as not enough and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself by looking for/seeking a higher/heightened experience of myself as the hormonal exciting exhilarating ecstasy-like experience of falling in love with another human being and having a romantic/sexual relationship with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive having a romantic/sexual relationship with another human being as 'more than' my everyday life experience of myself, not realising and understanding that this is how I separate myself from myself by looking for a higher experience of myself within a romantic/sexual relationship with another.

Day 201: Reacting to being asked for help

A woman, our neighbour, came knocking on our door the other night. It was after 10 pm, and when I opened the door, she asked for help from the boys in our apartment to help her carry furniture from her car to her place in the second floor. She was accompanied by another woman, who waited next to the car. I was very much annoyed by this. I thought it was highly irregular and inappropriate to simply ask for something that people otherwise pay money for. After she saw the annoyed look on my face, she offered to give the boys money for beer afterwards. I said that I would ask, and in that thought that it is the boy's responsibility to either help or refuse to help. Within this I see that I was feeling responsible for something that wasn't my responsibility, for how the boys will answer. I was afraid that they might also react with laziness and would only reluctantly help in order to not be seen as unhelpful and impolite, which is my own projection of myself onto them.
I called the boys together and they helped, but I myself went into justification of my annoyance. "If they hadn't come so late, if they had come beforehand and asked for assistance, not just like this in the given moment... - I wouldn't have been so annoyed." As I was doing that, I was also aware that had I been in their place, I'd have wanted assistance as well. And when my friend told me that the other woman was pregnant, I felt ashamed that I was so unaware in that moment of annoyance and frustration that I completely missed that. I also went into blame. "How dare they simply assume that we will be there at their service whenever they damn well please, they probably think that they can take advantage of students, that they won't say no to a pregnant woman."

Truth is that they were in a situation where they needed help, and due to my reactions I was completely unable to put myself in their shoes, and even went into justification why I cannot. I realised that night how much money interferes with us, human beings, being unable to assist and support each other without expecting anything in return, how money makes true kindness and compassion impossible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obliged to help, whenever I am asked for help, and to react with fear that I will not be liked if I refuse to help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is impolite to refuse to help someone, when they are asking for help, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive people who do not want to help others/me as impolite and rude.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with annoyance, frustration, resentment and anger, whenever I am asked to help with something without the possibility of getting anything in return.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I should always get something in return whenever I do something for other people, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always feel indebted to someone who did me a favour or helped me with something, no matter how small that something is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within myself connect and equate doing something for other people, where I spend my time and effort to do so, with money, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect money or a favour in return, whenever I do something for other people where I spend my time and effort to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insulted, whenever someone is asking me to do something for them without offering anything in return.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into spitefulness towards people who ask me for favours without promising something in return and allow myself to participate within backchat of "how dare they think that I am here at their disposal".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate my time and effort that I put into something with money, and want/need/desire to get money for things that I do for other people, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insulted when I am asked to do something that would take up my time and effort without being promised money or favours in return.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate and connect my time spent on doing something for other people to money, and think/believe/perceive that whenever I do something for other people, I am owed either money or their time as favours they should do for me in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uneasy and uncomfortable, whenever I am asked by other people to do favours for them, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to say no to them without feeling like an impolite and inconsiderate person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is impolite to refuse to help someone, when they ask for help, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I should always be helped, whenever I ask for help, and to define/perceive someone who doesn't want to help me as inconsiderate and rude, and then blame them and judge them for apparently making me feel bad, instead of realising and understanding that with this I am abdicating my self-responsibility for the way I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad, whenever I refuse to help someone, and go into fear that they might not like me for it. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be ready to help someone just for the sake of being liked by them, not realising and understanding that in this way I am opening the doors to being abused/taken advantage of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of people, whom have helped me in the past by relying on them that they will always be there to help me again, instead of realising and understanding that with this I am abdicating my self-responsibility to take care of whatever I can take care of alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into resentment towards other people asking me for help in order to justify my own feelings of not wanting to help them because I am feeling lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into laziness, whenever I am asked by others for help, instead of putting myself in their shoes and assessing whether they really need my help and then helping them accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into justification as to why I shouldn't and will not help someone who asks me for help, instead of realising and understanding that had I been in their shoes, I might have wanted help as well.

When and as I see myself reacting energetically to someone asking me for help without promising something in return (with annoyance, resentment, being insulted and feel like I'm being exploited, anger, frustration), I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment now allowing myself to assess whether it is common sense to help this person and helping accordingly, and I also realise and understand that by expecting something offered in return, I am playing into my mind's and this world's money construct, where I will only be satisfied and 'happy to' spend my time and effort if I get promised or given something in return, thus I am not seeing myself in the being that is asking for help and am separating myself from them, myself and all that is here by participating within this mind construct. Therefore I bring myself back Here with breathing, I assess the situation with common sense, help accordingly and commit to write out and remove with self-forgiveness any kind of energetic reactions that might have come up within me.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all of my energetic reactions towards being asked for help by other people, because I realise and understand that those reactions are a consequence of my mind's patterns and this world's patterns about money and debt, money representing the time and effort put in to do something, and by participating in those patterns I am in my mind separating myself from myself and all that is here and am unable to see myself in another.

Day 200: Product Brands and Conspicuous Consumption

In 6th grade I got introduced to brands and what I have learned only now to be conspicuous consumption. My schoolmates were crazy about Nike shoes and Benetton clothes, and if one had any of those, one's value would dramatically increase in the eyes of my peers. I started desiring those brands, and I even managed to get my hands on some such items. I immediately felt elevated, like my value went up, I felt so much better about myself, I felt respected and appreciated. A memory that stands out is from before I managed to get my own Nike shoes. A classmate, who sat next to me in most classes, and whom I considered to be my best classmate/friend in 6th grade, got Nike shoes, and she demonstratively threw them on the table a few times and said that they bounce a lot. In my mind she was doing that in order to show off the brand and enjoy a little more of the attention that came with Nike shoes.
Then in high-school I adopted the skater style from my best friend because the clothes were baggy and comfortable, and I wanted to hide my body, which I perceived as too overweight to clothe with regular clothes, so I started desiring Airwalk and Vans shoes, and later DC, and clothes from Blind, Billabong and Girl brands. I felt approximately cool in those clothes, but still not good, because they weren't too girly. I really wished I could wear clothes that model-like women wear, and I really longed for the experience of wearing haute-couture type clothes like Prada, Dior, Escada, Max Mara... all the brands that I saw at my rich aunt's place. That is who I wanted to be like, and now it is time to release all of those thought patterns, because brands are part of the construct of perceived separation between people in this world that make us unable to see and treat each other as equals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that owning goods of a certain brand will increase my value in the eyes of other people, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within myself the belief that brands define people's status and their worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am worth more if I own certain pricey items of pricey brands, such as Nike shoes, Benetton clothes, Skinny and Palmers underwear, Prada, Dior and Hugo Boss products.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy products of different brands that I perceived/defined as superior in order to make myself feel superior and to increase my own value and think/believe/perceive that buying certain products of brands that I have defined/perceived as superior to others will increase my value in the eyes of other people, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my own self-accepted mind construct of increased/decreased value due to owning products of different brands, not realising and understanding that by allowing these constructs to exist within me, I am supporting and perpetuating the illusion and abuse of separation between people, I am supporting and perpetuating classism between people and am limiting myself from seeing/not allowing myself to see and treat all people as equals.

When and as I see myself wanting to buy a certain product only because of its brand and not taking into consideration its practical use, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within and fueling my mind's definitions about that certain brand, therefore I release the definitions/perceptions and all thought patterns I have about the brand with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath towards purchasing products that I need by considering their practical functionality.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my preferences towards certain brands and my definitions of brands that I have defined/perceived to be superior, because I realise and understand that those/my preferences and definitions have no base in actual physical reality, but are based on my mind's polarity constructs, where I will want to use/purchase products of those brands in order to make myself feel superior, and will not take into consideration first and foremost the product's practical physical application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself and feel superior to other people, whenever I am walking on the street wearing/carrying products such as Nike shoes, Benetton clothes, Skinny and Palmers underwear, Prada, Dior and Hugo Boss products, Apple products, anything that is pricey and recognised as a "respected, quality brand", instead of realising and understanding that with these products I am trying to increase my value and feel superior because I feel like I have low value as a person and feel inferior in other areas of my life, thus I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I try to compensate for my perceived inferiorities with brands in order to make myself feel superior and balance out the feeling of inferiority, not realising and understanding that I am with these thoughts and actions generating energy for my mind to exist as ego.

When and as I see myself wanting to feel proud of myself and/or superior to other people when walking on the street and/or socializing with other people, when I am carrying/wearing products that I have defined/perceived as "respected, quality brands", I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct of comparison and competition, where I will feel superior to others while carrying/wearing certain brands in order to compensate for the feeling of inferiority about myself as a person and about my appearance and being overweight, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath towards what is best for all, and I do not allow myself to go into the superiority/inferiority polarity game within my mind about brands, because I realise and understand that with this I am only generating energy for my mind to exist as ego.

I commit myself to stopping and removing my mind polarity constructs about brands and remove from my mind the symbolism of brands with which humans/we validate ourselves, because I realise and understand that perceiving and defining some brands as more than others solely because of the brand name and not because of their use/usefulness is perpetuating the separation of perceived value that is attached to different brands, and is preventing me/people to see each other as equals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous and envious of people, whom I see having/carrying/wearing products of brands that I have recognised as "respected, quality brands" and feel inferior to them, if I do not have products of such brands, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct of comparison and competition, where I will feel inferior to people whom I see having those brands, and on the flip side will feel superior to other people, when/if I have products of those brands, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to own products of brands that I have recognised as "respected, quality brands" in order to make other people jealous and envious of me for having those brands so that I can make myself feel superior to them, with which I am compensating for my own perceived inferiorities and am trying to feel equal to other people whom I perceive to lack those inferiorities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have certain products of brands that I have recognised within myself as "respected, quality brands" in order to compensate for my feeling of inferiority about my appearance and about being overweight, when I walk on the street and am socializing with people, not realising and understanding that with this kind of thinking I am participating within my mind's polarity constructs of competition and comparison, of inferiority and superiority, and am generating energy for my mind to exist as ego.

When and as I see myself being jealous/envious of people who have certain brands of cars, clothes, food, products of which I recognise the brands, and when I see myself desiring to have those brands, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that with jealousy/envy I am participating within inferiority and with the desire I am participating as the desire for superiority because I have defined those brands as something more, as something that increases people's value, therefore I release that perceived value with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath within the realisation that a few letters/symbols on a product does not make people superior/inferior.

I commit myself to stopping within myself the perception of brands increasing/decreasing people's value, because I realise and understand that with these perceptions I am only perpetuating the illusion and abuse of separation between people and am not allowing myself to see all people and myself as equals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be interested in and to some degree follow fashion, look at new collections and define myself with knowledge about fashion in order to make myself feel superior to others in order to compensate for my feelings of inferiority, instead of realising and understanding that fashion industry brands with their seasonal/yearly different collections and people who participate in following them and buying them are hugely contributing to the wasting of earth's resources and garbage creation/accumulation, and are abusing this physical existence in order to keep going the separation of status and perceived different worth of human beings who own different brands.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be and fantasize about being a supermodel in the fashion industry, and be able to wear designer clothes, have lots of money and mingle with "high society", and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive models to be superior to other women due to their appearance and jobs, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to models and their appearance and jobs, not realising and understanding that with these thoughts I am participating within my mind's polarity constructs of comparison and competition, with which I generate energy for my mind to exist as ego and am limiting myself from perceiving/seeing all human beings as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a hatred towards the fashion industry and models and designers, and judge/perceive/define models as stupid women, bimbos that have no other good attributes in their lives except for their looks, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within these thoughts in order to make myself feel superior in order to balance out my own feeling of inferiority because I perceive that I cannot be a model and cannot wear designer clothes due to my body shape, due to being overweight, not realising and understanding that I am with these thoughts abusing myself, my physical body in order to generate energy for my mind to exist as ego by participating within my self-accepted constructs of inferiority/superiority through comparison and competition.

When and as I see myself reacting with hate, anger, frustration, resentment towards the fashion industry, models and designers, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct with comparison and competition, where I feel inferior to the fashion industry for not having enough money to be able to afford its products, and feel inferior to models for not being able to wear the designer clothes for thin people, and am therefore balancing this perceived inferiority with superiority as hate, anger, frustration and resentment towards the fashion industry, models and designers. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath, and I do not allow myself to participate within comparison and competition with models, designers and the fashion industry.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all of my energetic reactions, thoughts, perceptions, definitions, feelings and emotions towards the fashion industry and people within it, because I realise and understand that otherwise I am limiting myself into mind polarity constructs about the subject and am not allowing myself to see things as they really are here in equality to all that is here.