Day 122: "The diet is always tomorrow"

Throughout my life I have been caught up in overeating and dieting. I would indulge in eating whatever I wanted for a while, then I'd gain weight, and set up a goal for myself, which was always completely entirely unrealistic, like loosing ten kilos in 20 days, thinking that if I starve myself, I can reach this preposterous goal. The preposterous time frame was always connected with some or other event, for which I wanted to loose weight in order to look my best for it. This is connected to a particularly silly procrastinating pattern of behaviour that I developed, which encompasses my whole life: I am always late, and therefore always in a hurry.
Of course, reaching this goal never worked, and the sadness and almost hysterical anger at myself for eating always completely possessed me. Eventually I rendered myself into a very unhappy being. This has been going on since I can remember, as I can hardly remember the time in my early childhood when I wasn't dieting and thinking about food. In the past few months I have caught myself into another one of these vicious cycles, and noticed a symptom that has been following them ever since they emerged: the diet is always tomorrow, and until then I will indulge in some more binging. It is a symptom of classic addict behaviour, where I will take this reward, and punish myself for it afterwards. This stops here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overeat in order to make myself feel better about some or other emotional turmoil that I am experiencing, and after gaining weight because of it, promise to myself that I will starve myself and restrict my food intake to the max in order to fix the damage that I have done to myself and loose the weight that I have gained during the binge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive gained weight as damage that I have done to my body, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for having gained weight during a food binge, instead of realising that by hating myself, I am furthering the separation from myself and all that is here by generating negative energy for my mind to survive as ego in it's constant unhappiness and turmoil about being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as a very unhappy being due to being fat, instead of realising and understanding that this is a definition of the mind, with which I power myself to exist as ego and separate myself from myself and all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set completely unrealistic and preposterous goals for myself to loose lots of weight in a short period of time, and think/believe/perceive that I can/could manage to reach them, despite knowing fully well that I am setting up unrealistic goals for myself, and therefore setting myself up for failure and disappointment, within which I will make myself feel even worse about myself, instead of realising and understanding for real what I already know: that weight loss and a healthy body are directly linked to listening to my body and observing what makes it run effortlessly, and which foods should be avoided, because they make me feel heavy and not good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my body's signs and eat food that does not make it feel good, but makes me feel heavy and sleepy, but I would eat the food anyway, because I have defined it to be tasty and good, knowing fully well that I am using it in order to make myself/my mind feel better, and by eating it, I am not supporting my body in any way whatsoever, instead of breathing and not allowingmyself to listen to my mind and believe that I will feel better after these comfort foods, because I know that I never do afterwards.

When and as I see myself wanting to eat food that I know is not supportive to my body, and I want to eat it from a starting point of comforting myself because of an emotional turmoil, and for which I know that it will make me feel heavy, sleepy and render me ineffective, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am compromising myself by giving in to these mind patterns, in which I will eat food that I have defined as tasty in order to make myself feel better, and I do not support my physical body in any way whatsoever, therefore I release the trigger point of the desire to eat the unhealthy food and direct myself in breath towards what I know is best for my body.

I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness identify and remove all points, where I use food in order to make myself feel better and remove the pattern of comforting myself with food after and during emotional turmoil, because I realise and understand that if I keep participating within these patterns, I will only harm my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself time frames in which I should loose a certain, usually unrealistic, amount of weight, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set my goals up always for tomorrow or the next Monday, where I would promise myself that tomorrow or the next Monday I will start dieting, in that giving myself a short period of time in which I can continue with the abuse of food and eat foods with which I comfort myself and make myself feel better, instead of realising and understanding that this plot and plan of the mind was a tactic, with which I abdicated my self-responsibility and my perceived responsibility towards my weight loss onto the "future me", who would compensate for my past sins, not realising and understanding that this future me does not exist, and that I have separated myself from myself and all that is here into a mind dimension of hoping and wishing and planning in the future, instead of remaining here in breath.

When and as I see myself wanting to give myself the excuse to eat whatever I want in the now by promising myself that tomorrow or next Monday I will start dieting, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind construct, where I am abdicating my self-responsibility by putting off responsible behaviour towards my body into the future, therefore I investigate and release the origin of the thoughts with self-forgiveness and direct myself towards what is best for my body here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for eating whatever I wanted in order to make me feel good and consequentially gaining weight, and therefore afterwards punish myself with severe dieting and starving myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts about how I deserve the pain of hunger that I am experiencing during the restriction of my food intake, because I have been bad when I was eating whatever I wanted in order to make myself feel good.

When and as I see myself wanting to punish myself for eating whatever I wanted in order to make me feel good during an emotional turmoil and gaining weight because of it by starving myself and/or forcing myself to do some extreme diet with severe caloric intake cuts, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I feel inferior to myself for allowing myself to eat whatever I wanted to make myself feel good and am defining/perceiving myself as a weakling for giving into the cravings for comfort food, and therefore I will compensate for that inferiority towards myself with superiority as anger and strictness towards myself in terms of what I eat and will severely restrict my food intake in order to prove to myself that I am able to adhere to a strict dieting/eating plan, within which I will completely disregard my physical body and it's needs, and will only play out these obsessive thoughts about it in my mind. Therefore I release the trigger point and investigate the obsessive thought pattern with writing and self-forgiveness, and direct myself IN BREATH towards what is best for my physical body WITHOUT listening and giving in to my mind's perceptions and energetic claims about my physical body.

I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness and self-corrective application stop and remove all obsessive compulsive patterns of the eating disorder that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up within myself over the years, because I realise and understand that by giving into these mind thought patterns and believing them and my knowledge and information about food and eating and myself and my image, I am compromising and disregarding my physical body, the only thing that is in fact real about me.

Day 121: Releasing various perceptions about food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to food in terms of using/eating food in order to make myself feel better, whenever I feel bad, instead of eating food only to support my body. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create bad feelings within myself in order to have an excuse to eat food that I make myself feel better with, instead of realising and understanding that I am compromising myself with this behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire that I could be like the thin people that can eat anything and everything and not get fat, instead of realising and understanding that I am desiring this from a point of addiction to food, where I am wishing that I could be able to indulge in food without any consequences to my body/appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worried about how other people/my partner perceive my appearance/body, and whether they notice my excess weight, instead of realising and understanding that this fear is coming from a desire for acceptance from others, indicating to me that I have not accepted myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept and love and care for myself unconditionally regardless of how I look, and how much I weigh. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I am searching for this in other people, instead of giving it to myself directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of eating in public, and of what other people will think/say about me, when they see me eating, because I perceive/think that they will judge me for eating food, when I am fat already. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people, who are fat, whenever I see them eating, and allow backchat such as "Why are they eating, if they are fat already" to run through my mind, within which I completely disregard the fact that every human being needs to eat, and am judging them and myself according to the knowledge and information that I have in my head about food and feeding, for which I know that it is limited and wrong.

When and as I see myself being afraid of food/feeding in public/in front of my partner, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within some or other judgement that I have accepted and allowed to exist within me, therefore I identify it, release it with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for my body and eating food without judging myself for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I/everyone should be eating at least three main meals a day, breakfast, lunch and dinner, instead of realising and understanding that I and all of humanity are following a belief system, supported by the working ethics and habits of humanity, about a certain time that meals should be eaten at, not realising and understanding that we are not eating directly to support our body, but have adjusted feeding times and supporting our physical bodies to the systems of managing our time in order to make money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that whenever I am hungry, I am loosing weight, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself due to this perception, whenever I am hungry, although my physical body feels bad and weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about myself, whenever I feel full, and think/believe/perceive that I will now be gaining weight, because I have allowed myself to eat until I feel full.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in foods, for which I have realised and understood that they do not support my body, and justify it with my anger towards people whom I perceive to be able to eat anything without any significant weight gain, instead of realising and understanding that within this I am abdicating my responsibility towards my body in order to support my food addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that what is good food for other people, must be good for me too, and that if I eat the same amount/type of food as another, I should get similar results, instead of realising and understanding throughout the years of experience that i have with food that this is clearly not the case.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad and left out, because I perceive that I cannot eat certain foods without consequences , therefore feel cheated out of the experience of being able to go eating with someone else and socialize while eating, instead of realising and understanding that here I am using food towards a completely different goal than supporting my physical body, which is socializing and bonding with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive food and eating as a social lubricant and a means of making friends and maintaining friendships, instead of realising and understanding that within this definition I have separated myself from food and everything else within this one energetic dimension.

Day 120: "Finish your meal, because there's children starving in Africa"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as inferior, less than, bad, negative and be angry with myself, frustrated, sad and disappointed, whenever I gain weight, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then remember the times, when I was less heavy, and think back and be angry at myself for allowing myself to gain weight again for eating things that I just felt like eating, instead of continuing to restrict my food intake in order to prevent myself from gaining weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create whole constructs in my head about what I can and cannot eat, how many calories and other nutritional value food has, and to check those nutritional values each time, when I look at the packages of foods, and wonder and think about the nutritional value and caloric value of food, whenever I eat them, and how much it will impact my weight gain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear gaining weight, whenever I eat food, instead of simply eating food to support my body and stopping, when I don't feel hungry anymore, without fearing that the food I just ate will cause me to gain weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad for not eating all of my food and to feel bad, whenever any food in the house spoils, because I used to listen to how African children would kill and swim across oceans just to have a plate of soup, when I was a child, instead of seeing through this manipulation tactic of my parents, who were trying to get me to eat all the food off my plate so that they wouldn't have to deal with leftovers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with my parents for manipulating me with stories about hungry African children so that I would eat everything that I have on my plate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a construct in my mind, in which I believed that I must eat everything off my plate and not leave any leftovers, within which I would feel good about myself, whenever I ate everything, and I felt bad about myself, whenever I wanted to leave something and not eat it, but would then force myself to eat it anyway so that I wouldn't feel bad about myself for having food, while African children do not have it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty, whenever I didn't eat everything that was on my plate, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force myself to eat everything that was on my plate in order to avoid feeling guilty for throwing away food.

When and as I see myself wanting to eat just in order to finish a meal and not throw away food, despite feeling full, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind construct of guilt, and amcompromising my physical body by forcing it to take in more than it needs, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath without feelings of guilt towards throwing away food. I realise and understand that through observation I can determine how much my body needs in order to function, therefore I can in advance take/ask for smaller portions or save the food for later, and I do not need to eat everything at once. 

I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness release all thought patterns that I have about food, and to though observation determine what foods and how much of them my body needs to function optimally, because I realise and understand that by following old knowledge and information patterns that I have been following until now, I am only compromising my body and not supporting it.

Day 119: Feeling uncomfortable around others due to being fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable around other people, because I am fat, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of other people judging me and ridiculing me for being fat, instead of realising that I am judging and ridiculing myself for being fat, which I have learned at an early age, when I was being judged and ridiculed by my peers and parents and family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern of self-judgement and self-ridiculing and self-deprecation within myself, based on the judgement, ridiculing and deprecation that I used to endure as a child, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, angry and resentful, and create a self-pitying pattern, for being ridiculed for being fat when I was a child, instead of realising and understanding that within self-pity I am abdicating my self-responsibility for what I feel and what I allow within myself through thinking that I have no control over it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and resentful towards people, whom I perceive to be making fun of me and judging me for being fat, instead of realising and understanding that this can only have an effect on me, if I allow it to have an effect on me, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt and inferior and less than, whenever I perceive that other people are making fun of me and judging me for being fat.

When and as I see myself feeling uncomfortable with myself around other people for being fat and fearing their judgement, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a self-judgement construct, where I will fear that others might perceive me as inferior for being fat, because I myself am perceiving and judging myself as inferior for being fat, and will want, need and desire to be thin in order to not perceive and judge myself this way, instead of breathing and being here and not allowing myself to go into self-judgement about my appearance. Therefore I release the trigger point and pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath without judging myself through the eyes of others.

I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness and self-corrective application stop and remove all points of feeling uncomfortable with myself around other people, and when I am alone, because I realise and understand that this discomfort is coming from a point of self-judgement, therefore I will identify and release the point immediately.

Day 118: Spitefulness towards the fashion industry for promoting thin girls

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at and spiteful towards the fashion industry for promoting thin girls and making thin girls popular in this world, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to the thin girls of the fashion industry and envy them their appearance and want/need/desire to be/look like them. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be a fashion model, and feel inferior, less than, negative and bad because I perceived that I am not able to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sad and angry, because I perceived that I was unable to compare and compete with the girls in the fashion industry, because I am not tall and not thin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have spiteful thoughts and angry words for the fashion industry, and blame it and hate it for apparently making me feel inferior, instead of realising that I am the one that is making myself feel inferior through comparison and competition with the images of girls from the fashion industry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate fashion designers and blame them for the way that I feel about myself, instead of realising that I am making myself feel this way by allowing myself to have thoughts, definitions, perceptions about my body in comparison and competition with the bodies of women in the fashion industry that get chosen by those designers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine and fantasize about how it would be to be in the spotlight and have all the attention that fashion models have, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that fashion models are happy women due to having perfect bodies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive the bodies of fashion models as perfect, and then feel inferior, less than, imperfect and negative about myself within comparing my own body to theirs. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my body to those of fashion models, instead of realising and understanding that I am playing into a mind construct, where I have defined my own body as imperfect, and will therefore create friction within myself and generate negative energy for my mind to survive as ego.

When and as I see myself having any kind of opinions, perceptions, definitions, thoughts about the fashion industry, fashion models and fashion designers, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I will feel inferior to the whole concept of fashion because I perceive myself as fat and therefore unfit and unworthy of participating with the fashion industry, and I will want/need/desire to be thin and fantasize about how superior I would feel and experience myself, if I was thin. I also realise and understand that wishing to feel superior due to feeling inferior is not equality but the ego wanting to validate and prove itself, therefore I release the points, thoughts and constructs with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath without having thoughts/perceptions about the fashion industry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be able to wear small clothes that models are able to wear, and perceive/define myself as unable to wear those clothes, instead of realising and understanding that most of those clothes support sexual manipulation within this world, and when I wish that I could wear those clothes, I am in fact an abuser.

When and as I see myself wishing that I could wear skimpy clothes in order to sexually manipulate men, and perceive myself as too ugly and fat to do so, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I am participating within an energetic pattern of the mind, within which I keep myself preoccupied with myself only, my own happiness/unhappiness in self-interest, and disregarding myself in equality and disregarding all that is here. Therefore I release the thought with self-forgiveness and direct myself without them.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all spitefulness that is existing in me towards the fashion industry, because I realise and understand that as long as I have any kind of energetic movement in me about the subject, I cannot take into consideration everything that is here objectively.

Day 117: Fat people are second grade people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my life as ruined, because I was fat, and I perceived that I couldn't express myself as I wanted to, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous and envious of girls who were thin, because I perceived that they could express themselves freely, while I didn't allow myself to wear girly clothes and act in a girly manner, because I thought/believed/perceived that I am not worthy of being girly due to being fat and that I do not deserve to be girly, because I cannot solve my problem of being fat. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to be able to act and dress in a girly manner, instead of realising and understanding that "girly" is separation with which I wished I could define myself and perceive myself as desirable to men, whom I would want to sexually manipulate with my girliness  into liking me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive fat people as unattractive people who are not allowed to be sexual because they are fat, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad, inferior, less than and negative, because I believed that all these things apply to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be thin and to be able to compare and compete with thin girls in terms of things that I have defined/perceived as girly, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always feel like an outcast and actually cast myself out of the company of thin girls, because I perceived that I cannot compare and compete with them, therefore I would withdraw into myself and be alone instead of socializing with thin girls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be thin in order to feel accepted in the company of thin girls, instead of realising that I am feeling this way, because I have never accepted myself due to being fat, and would therefore always feel like an outcast and I would feel inferior, less than, negative and bad, because I have in fact never accepted myself, but was looking for acceptance from an outside source/thin girls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive thin girls as popular and loved, and fat girls as unpopular and hated, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for being fat, instead of accepting myself unconditionally and not defining myself according to what my body looks like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as terribly troubled because I looked differently from thin girls around me and in magazines and on TV.

When and as I see myself comparing and competing with thin girls, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I have caught myself into a mind polarity construct, where I will feel bad about myself for being fat, and will want to achieve being thin, which I would readily sacrifice my physical body for, by compromising it with not eating, therefore I release the trigger point of comparison/competition with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards removing my thought patterns about fat people and their participation within the world.

I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application stop and remove all thought patterns, perceptions, beliefs, definitions.. about fat people, because I realise and understand that with all of these things in my mind I am separating myself form myself and not accepting myself and therefore I am making myself eternally miserable.

Day 116: Being fat ruined my life - introduction

I've been "fat" ever since I can remember. I've been dieting since my early primary school days, because my mother was a ballet teacher, I was attending her classes, and it's not for a ballerina to be fat. Somewhere along the line it was decided for me that I would quit ballet and focus on my violin classes (my father's trade), because it became clear that I'm simply not built to be a ballerina.

The consequences of this were immense. I loved to express myself through dancing, I still do, but because I was fat, I couldn't keep doing what I loved. I was always incredibly troubled by my appearance, and I couldn't understand why this is happening to me. When I was comparing to my thin schoolmates, and being all depressed about it, my mother would try to console me by telling me that I am "big-boned". It wasn't much of a consolation, though, because the kids at school kept picking at me for being fat. When I told my mom about that, she'd tell me to reciprocate by finding some fault in them and picking on them for it. I tried doing that, but it didn't seem to bother them nearly as much as them picking on my fat bothered me. I grew up into a frustrated, unhappy, forever dieting and overeating individual. When I wasn't dieting, I was overeating to deal with the depression and unhappiness, thus catching myself in an eternal vicious cycle of self-destruction.

What I have noticed in my life was that I wasn't eating much more than my peers. I did have a different relationship with food, though. Sometimes I'd eat to make myself feel better, not to not be hungry, but I also tried controlling that and eating only as much as my peers. It didn't work, I was still heavier than them. I couldn't understand, why the hell I'm fat, and others are not. I didn't know anything about the obesity system design that triples all of my food intakes. I didn't know it existed. I started believing the limited accepted knowledge of how obesity works in this world, that it is a consequence of calorie intake, and that it is my own fault that I am fat. That made me even more frustrated about not being able to solve this problem. I've been trying since forever, but I could never ever achieve the perfect ideal body figure of ideal women in the magazines and on TV. What bothered me even more, something that I've been able to put into words only recently, was the fact that everyone else also seems to believe that fat people want to be fat and that it's their own fault for not being thin, and therefore it is ok to pick on them. It's a socially accepted paradigm. I can guarantee that there is not one fat person on this planet that didn't try at some point in their life to restrict their calorie intake. It simply doesn't work, unless the cut is so drastic that it impairs normal life, so one is either forever stuck in battling with food patterns, or giving in, making peace with forever being picked on for being fat and developing some or other coping-mechanism for it. I belong to the former. My weight fluctuates a lot, and it follows a certain pattern. When I eat whatever I want, it goes up. Afterwards I stick to a low calorie intake for a while, and it goes down, but never enough for me to feel "normal" and not standing out.
The only time in my life that I was able to approximately get myself near to a "normal" weight was when I discovered ephedrine. It is a under-the-counter drug that can cause heart problems, but I didn't care enough to not try to escape this hell of being fat with it. It makes one not hungry, so my food intake dropped to only one meal a day, and even that one was very small. For about six months I would literally eat about one serving of soup a day or something equivalent to that. And I still didn't manage to become "thin", but I did feel a bit more "acceptable". As soon as I quit the drug, my weight began to go up again.

When I discovered Desteni, I found out about the system design and a bit about how it is connected to my relationship patterns with men. Theoretically I should be able to get rid of it by investigating and removing those patterns, so that is what I'll attempt to do within my Process.

This is an introduction to my research of that realm. Stay tuned.

Day 115: My relationship with sweets

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed, cheated, angry, sad, resentful, frustrated and feel sorry for myself, because I perceive that I cannot eat cake/sweets, because cake/sweets will make me fat.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that eating cake will make me fat, and feel cheated out of the experience of eating cake, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive eating cake as a treat, as a special experience, and define/perceive it to be better than salty foods.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define deserts and sweets as comfort foods and reward foods, with which I will reward myself or make myself feel better about something, whenever I feel bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a special intimate relationship with sweets/food, where I would in my childhood steal money from my parents in order to go to the sweet shop alone on my way to music school, and I would buy myself a treat, because I have defined those bought treats as/with happiness and equated and connected them to the experience where my mother took me out to buy sweets, and I felt happy that day and that my mother is with me only, and therefore I connected sweets with safety and security and happiness and I tried to recreate that feeling within myself by buying sweets, whenever something was wrong in my life, and I wanted to recall that feeling of safety, security and happiness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to buy sweets every time I get my paycheck, because I used to buy sweets from my mother's paycheck, when she would send me for it, when she didn't feel like going to get it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crave sweets, whenever I feel bad or perceive that I have problems, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to treat myself with sweets in order to make myself temporarily feel better, instead of realising and understanding that I am giving into an addiction, a sugar addiction, with which I want to run away from facing my problems and myself within them.
When and as I see myself wanting to eat sweets in order to compensate for a bad/negative feeling within myself, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I have defined sweets as something that comforts me and makes me feel better, but on the flip side I perceive that they make me fat, thus I will feel bad for eating them and believe that they will make me heavier, which they essentially physically do, therefore I release the trigger point of feeling bad with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that a life without sweets is unimaginable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to live without having sweets in my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive/feel that I couldn't survive/live happily without sweets.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive sweets as one of life's pleasures, and therefore want/need/desire to eat them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it would be hard to live without eating sweets, instead of realising that sugar is the enslavement tool that keeps me addicted to food/sweets.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it would be hard to live without sugar and that I could never do it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bake and make sweets for 'my loved ones' in order to show them 'love' and 'appreciation', instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within amind construct of wanting to be loved and appreciated and am buying those things with sweets so I would get them in return.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner and my family and friends will like me more if I feed/give them sweets.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel love for the people that give me sweets.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive/equate sweets with love.

Day 114: My relationship with food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about food the first thing in the morning, when I wake up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about food and eating it to make myself feel better, whenever I perceive that I have a discord and problems with my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the attitude of "I don't care how much weight I gain", whenever I perceive that I have a problem with my partner and want to eat in order to make myself feel better, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to punish my partner by gaining weight and not looking my best for him anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to restrict my food intake in order to loose weight for my partner so that my partner would be satisfied with my looks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I gain weight every time I think about food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated that I have to be careful about what I eat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ask myself how people who have no problems with weight live their life without thinking about food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define my morning coffee as a treat and running away from reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated, whenever my partner looks at me and then think/believe/perceive that he doesn't like the way I look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and think about what food is made of, what kind of ingredients it has and how many calories it has.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/define food as bad and something that will harm me if I eat it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of eating in front of my partner and think/believe/perceive that he is judging me for the amount of food I'm eating, instead of realising that I am judging myself about the amount of food that I am eating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the amount of food I eat, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat more than my body needs in order to make myself feel good with food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must eat everything that is on my plate, because children in Africa are starving, instead of seeing the fallacy of this statement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive tortilla chips with nachos to be a reward food and a food that I can enjoy when watching a movie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate food that I eat while watching a movie with having great pleasure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat while watching a movie and think/believe/perceive that this is making both experiences more enjoyable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate food with enjoyment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse food in order to create a feeling of enjoyment within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel happy and satisfied, whenever I eat food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive eating food as a social activity and an activity that will bring me and my partner closer together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from food in defining it as something that I enjoy, that brings me joy, and also as something that brings me grief, because I believe that I get fat when I eat food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame food and hate food, because I become fatter when I eat it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy and be jealous of people, whom I perceive to be able to eat all the food they want and not get fat, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with my partner and blame him and accuse him that he doesn't understand why I am fat, because he doesn't have the same problems with food that I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my relationship with food as 'problematic'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define food as my biggest problem in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as a food addict, instead of realising and understanding that within this I am giving into the pattern of hopelessness and abdication of self-responsibility, because "I cannot do anything about being fat, I am a food addict"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I cannot loose weight no matter how hard I try, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated, because I perceive that I cannot loose weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to loose weight in order for my partner to like me, instead of realising and understanding that I am playing into the construct of being afraid of loosing my partner, if he doesn't like the way I look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel feelings of shame and disgust with myself, whenever I take twice to eat, and think believe and perceive that my partner and people in my surroundings are going to judge me for it, instead of realising and understanding that I myself am judging people who take food twice and enjoy their food as guilty of being fat and being pigs that indulge in food without consideration for their weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose awareness of the food that I am eating when watching something or reading something while eating.

Day 113: Discomfort about sharing personal information

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/feel uncomfortable, whenever people share with me information that I perceive/define as personal, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that personal information and problems should be dealt with personally, and that sharing them with another is a sign of weakness, instead of realising that I am participating within apolarity construct, in which I will feel inferior and less than and 'vulnerable' when and as I am sharing my personal information with others, and perceive that they can now somehow use this information against me, and on the flip side I will feel superior and more than and powerful, when other people share their information with me, and will perceive and define this information as power that I can hold over them in order to manipulate them into doing what I want in self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I feel uncomfortable in situations where I share 'personal' information and when it is being shared with me because I perceive and define 'personal' information as a manipulation point, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive information that I perceive as personal as a manipulation point that I can use with people, whenever I want them to do something for me in self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable in intimate situations where I perceive people to be sharing their personal experiences and information with me, instead of allowing myself tohear them out and put myself in their shoes and direct the situation as myself.

When and as I see myself feeling uncomfortable within intimate situations, where 'personal' experiences and information are being shared with me and where I am sharing my 'personal' information and experiences, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that the discomfort is a consequence of participating within the "knowledge is power" construct, where I have defined 'personal' information as a manipulation tool for gaining power over others, creating 'trust' and 'co-dependency', therefore I release the trigger point of the discomfort with self-forgiveness and direct the situation in breath as myself.

I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness stop and remove all points and constructs within which I feel discomfort with others (and myself) in intimate situations, where personal information and experiences are being shared, because I realise and understand that otherwise I am separating myself from myself and all that is here within some judgement towards the situation, thus making myself superior/inferior to it, and am not able to direct it within myself in equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the experiences that are being shared with me by defining them as 'personal', and therefore as a manipulation point, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like there is 'trust' being built in sharing 'personal' information, and then feel responsible to create an 'equilibrium' by reciprocating with the same amount of trust, instead of remaining here in breath and not judging the situation as 'personal'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from an intimate situation and the 'personal' experiences and information that is being shared with me by feeling uncomfortable within it and judgethat information, and then use reciprocation as a diversion point from actually looking at the information that is being shared and directing myself within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must create an equilibrium between me and another that is in an intimate situation sharing their 'personal' experiences and information with me, and create a sense of obligation within myself to reciprocate by sharing some personal experiences and information of my own, instead of realising that I am participating within the construct of knowledge being power that I have allowed to exist within me, where I will want to reciprocate with vulnerability, so that I would show the other person a sign of 'good will' as in "I will share some personal data with you so that you wouldn't think that I will use your personal data against you, because I trust you as much as you trust me", instead of realising that I am doing so, because I fear that otherwise the other people will think and be afraid that I might use the 'personal' information that they shared against them.

When and as I see myself wanting to reciprocate to an intimate situation where 'personal' information and experiences are being shared with me with my own 'personal' information and experiences that I perceive to be of the same/similar magnitude, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a preprogrammed design of "knowledge/information is power", where I will want to ensure the other person that their trust in me is not in vain, where I will be afraid that if I do not do that, the other people will feel vulnerable and inferior and afraid that I will use the information against them, and will thus want to create equilibrium, and on the flip side I will be afraid of sharing my own 'personal' experiences/information because I fear that other people might use it against me. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to share myself to create equilibrium with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath by making myself equal to the information that is being shared.

I commit myself to stopping and removing any and all points and constructs of using information as power, because I realise and understand that this creates inequality as secrecy, secluded grouping and polarity friction within this world.

Day 112: "I'll leave you, before you leave me"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to leave my partner, before it happens that he leaves me, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I will perceive/define myself as inferior, if it so happens that my partner leaves me, and will perceive/define myself as superior, if I leave my partner first, thus being in control instead of being the victim.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as a victim, if it would happen that my partner would leave me, and feel negative and inferior about myself, which I would then try to compensate with superiority as anger and violence towards my partner and anger at myself for trusting my partner and allowing myself to be burned again.

When and as I see myself wanting to run away and leave my partner, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that this is due to my fear of me feeling inferior and powerless, if it so happens that he leaves me first, and will perceive myself as a victim in that case, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for me and my agreement.

I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application stop and remove all victimization points in my mind, where I abdicate my power and self-responsibility to fears of my partner leaving me, because I realise and understand that if I don't, I will compromise myself and our agreement by trying to compensate for that inferiority with superiority through and as wanting to control him and threatening to leave, whenever I perceive that something is not going my way.

Day 111: The Privatization of Water

Today I learned that the government in my country has agreed to the privatization of water resources initiative in Europe. There was no public discussion about this, it happened behind closed doors and far away from the public eye.

It is interesting how dissociated from reality we are as participants in this world; we're not even remotely aware of how we're all allowing this to happen. We are so busy chasing our own "happiness" and "fulfillment" and "love" that we don't even notice, when invisible shackles are put on our wrists in the form of taxations, and for what? Certainly not for the infrastructure to run smoothly, because governments of the world have been cutting and saving money on the infrastructure since the beginning of this man-made financial crisis, and before it as well.

If we do not pull our heads out of our collective asses soon, we'll soon be paying for the air that we breathe, which nature provides for free, just like water and sunlight. We all need to realise that we, as part of the 99%, give permission to the elites, the 1%, to abuse us like this.

We need to realise that we are all part of this system, of the 100%, or else we're going to ruin ourselves with 100% certainty.

Wake up. Join the Desteni courses, and learn how to take responsibility for a better future, and investigate the Equal Money System, or the children of today will have no tomorrow.

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Day 110: Wanting to do more things at the same time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel restless, impatient, unproductive and like I'm wasting time, when listening to interviews and not doing anything else. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I should be doing something simultaneously, because I'm not using my hands and am only using my ears when listening to interviews, instead of realising and understanding that listening to interviews and being focused on what is being said is a tremendous support to my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to easily become bored and look for energetic stuff to do, when I'm listening to interviews, instead of realising and understanding that with doing this I am compromising myself, because I'm missing out on parts of the interview by turning my focus elsewhere, and am not allowing myself to hear everything that is being said, not realising and understanding that every single word counts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind label/define/perceive listening to interviews as boring and not interesting, instead of realising that I am used to having energetic movement within myself about what I am doing/listening to, and am looking for that movement while listening to interviews, which doesn't happen often.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become easily distracted, when listening to interviews, instead of remaining here in breath and hearing every word and realising that every word counts.

When and as I see myself becoming distracted and looking for additional things to do when listening to interviews, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am looking for energetic movement, which is what mymind is used to doing, and without it, it becomes bored and restless and wants to entertain me with thoughts, which cause me to miss out on what is being said in the interview. Therefore I breathe and release the entertaining thoughts with self-forgiveness and direct myself towards effectively hearing what is being said in the interview.

I commit myself to become effective in listening to interviews and hearing all the words that are being said, because I realise and understand that the interviews hold tremendous support and information, with which I can assist and support myself in my process.

Day 109: Wanting others to solve my problems

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward and not know what to do/reply, whenever someone is sharing their personal data with me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obliged to help the person with advice, whenever they share their personal data with me. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obliged to reciprocate by sharing some personal data of my own in order to create equilibrium between us, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I will feel inferior and less than, if I cannot think of a way to help the person, and I will feel superior and more than, if I perceive to be able to help the person with sharing advice or my own personal data with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to help someone that is sharing their personal problems with me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to reciprocate by sharing personal problems of my own, in order to create equilibrium between us and not make the person feel bad for sharing something within which I perceive that they feel inferior and less than and lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to share my personal problems with other people and within that hope that they can help, support and assist me, instead of realising and understanding that I am abdicating my own self-responsibility and transferring it onto others and the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share my personal problems with other people in order to get direction from them as to what I am supposed to do to solve my problem, instead of realising and understanding that I am abdicating my self-responsibility onto them by sharing my problems with them and resonantly looking for their advice and direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope/want/need/desire for other people to fix my problems, instead of realising and understanding that with this behaviour I have manifested the situation that I am in today, because there is no one else that is and can be responsible for my life decisions and choices but me.

When and as I see myself looking for solutions within other people by wanting to share my personal data/problems with them, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within an automated mind polarity construct, within which I will abdicate my self-responsibility by wanting others to help me solve my problems/solve my problems, and will abdicate my self-direction and self-responsibility to HOPE that they will be able to do so, and will feel inferior to them and be thankful to them and feel indebted to them, and on the flip side I will feel superior and more than to people whom I perceive to have helped with their problems. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to share my personal data and problems with other people with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards solving my own problems within full awareness of my self-responsibility.

I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application stop and remove any and all points of desiring for other people to help me and solve my problems, and stop wanting to share my personal data/problems with them in hopes of them solving my problems, because I realise and understand that this sort of behaviour has manifested the global system of abdication of responsibility as it is today, hence the manifestation of politicians and authority that are 'called' to be the problems solvers for other people, instead of everyone directing themselves towards sorting out and solving their/our problems.