Day 211: Deconstructing resentment towards my mother - continuation

This is a continuation to my previous blog. In this blog I will be focusing on me blaming my mother for the past in order to have the 'upper hand' in arguments with her, to manipulate her and subdue her. I have been participating in this pattern extensively throughout my life with all the people in my reality, and it became very apparent for me within communication with my mother, therefore I will apply self-forgiveness for the general point.

I will also write forgiveness for/to my mother in this blog. The need for this came up in a heated conversation with her and she asked me to do it, and I recognize the need for it in order to clear up things within myself and in our relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, whenever I perceive that my mother/someone has done something unto me that I don't like, to go into inferiority and remember past occurrences of conflicts between me and her/that person, use these memories to charge myself with negative emotional energy and lash out at her/the person with the information of the memories in order to have the upper hand in the conflict with the goal of subduing her/them, making/forcing her/them do or say what I want her/them to do and say in order to make me feel good, not realising and understanding that I am trying to compensate for the feeling of inferiority that I felt during the conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it easy to, when in conflicts (my mother), manipulate her/people with what I perceive to be her/their mistakes and transgressions from the past, especially people close to me like my family members and partners, not realising and understanding that I am deliberately hurting them in order to compensate for the feeling of being hurt myself, not realising and understanding that within that I am making them responsible for the way I feel instead of taking full responsibility for creating whatever is going on within me and thus empowering myself to change that within myself instead of trying to manipulate my surroundings (by bringing up the past) into adjusting to me.

When and as I see myself participating in a conflict and wanting to bring up the past in order to win the conflict, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am acting out from inferiority, which I'm generating myself, therefore I commit myself to investigate and clear up the feeling of inferiority within myself and to not lash out at people by bringing up the past and try to manipulate them so that I would feel superior and compensate for the feeling of inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in conflicts assume the position of a victim, someone that had something be done unto, and use that as a justification to lash out at other people participating in the conflict by bringing up the past to feel superior to compensate for feeling inferior/as a victim, not realising and understanding that I am trapping myself into an energetic ping pong game for the sake of generating energy for my mind as ego and staying limited within the confines of my own mind, where I do not consider/regard the other being(s) as equals, but am abusively using them to build my ego, be right, be the winner.

When and as I see myself feeling like a victim, as if something 'unfair' is being done to me by someone else (and therefore wanting to bring up the past in order to manipulate the other into feeling bad so that I would feel good, superior, as a winner), I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am limiting myself in that moment and not seeing all that is here in equality, but building up energy for my mind to survive as ego. Therefore I commit myself to not allowing myself to go into the experience of feeling like a victim of another and feeling like something unfair is being done to me, rather I stay here in breath and direct myself in common sense towards what is best for all.

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I forgive my mother for not effectively directing me to develop my talents for dancing, singing and music into skills that I could use in life. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my mother was neglectful in not doing so, not realising and understanding that she was acting in the belief that she is allowing me to make my own choices by not directing me herself.

I forgive my mother and father for being/behaving spiteful and sarcastic towards me because they perceived that I loved my grandmother more than them. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt by my parent's sarcasm and apparent spitefulness, not realising and understanding their starting point for doing so, and therefore developing within me a deep resentment towards them, instead of realising and understanding that they were fighting a battle for my love and appreciation that they were perceiving to be losing and therefore resorted to the hateful polarity of love.

I forgive my mother for physically hitting me and yelling at me, when I was child, and having what I perceived as evil remarks towards me. I realise and understand that my mother was acting out her programming that she took over from her own parents and surroundings and at that time had no directive principle over how she behaved towards me.

I forgive my mother for always taking care of other people's children at a party first, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt by MY mother apparently putting other children higher on her priority list than me, not realising and understanding that within doing so, I was building and developing my mind as ego, where I would perceive that I should have priority over other children in my mother's life.

I forgive my mother for becoming and being an alcoholic and thereby fortifying the abusive nature of her communication with me. I also forgive my mother for not keeping her promises, especially her promise to stop drinking. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel personally diminished, hurt and violated by her not keeping her promise, because I would build up hope within me that things are going to change in our relationship, and then felt disappointed when they didn't due to her not keeping her promises, not realising and understanding that I am conditioning my inner experience of myself with an outside factor, thus abdicating my responsibility for the way I feel, for the feelings/emotions I am generating within myself.

Day 210: Deconstructing resentment towards my mother

Recently my mother and I had to spend a few days together, and I was having a lot of reactions that I had not cleared up yet because we haven't spent that much time together in years. Out of sight, out of mind. So in this one and the next few blogs I will be focusing on deconstructing my behavioral patterns in relation to my mother.

The first thing I'd like to focus on is my childhood. In our time together I noticed that I blame my mother for not giving me direction in childhood, for not being the directive principle for me to develop and use my 'many talents'.
I also noticed that since childhood I was perceiving her and my father to be spiteful towards me, to have a sort of hatred towards me because my grandmother in their eyes spoiled me rotten and kind of took me over from them, stole me from them (emotionally). Which was the easiest thing in the world to do considering how they were violent alcoholics, and she was not, therefore she represented a safe haven for me form my parents.
The third thing I'll be focusing on is my mother's inability to keep a promise and my resentment towards her for it. This is a pattern that I have developed within myself as well, therefore I will turn the point inwards and work on correcting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mother, to resent and blame her because I perceive that she was not giving me the opportunity to develop my talents in terms of music, especially singing, and dancing, especially ballet. Within this I also forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and resentful towards my father, for whom I have learned after his death that he had said to my mother that it is a pity that Hilda didn't go into singing, but he never said that to me.

When and as I see myself remembering/thinking that my parents didn't give me the direction that I perceive would have been right for me, and wanting to feel resentful towards them and blame them for me "not reaching my utmost potential", I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am dwelling on the past in order to feed energy to my mind as ego with shifting the responsibility for the way my life turned out onto my parents. Therefore I commit myself to stop myself in that moment and not allow myself to go into blame and resentment, because I realise and understand that by staying in that mind pattern I am dwelling on the past, thus taking my power away from myself in that very moment, instead of empowering myself to create the direction I want to take for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dissatisfied with the way my life turned out and where I am at the moment, to feel unrealised and incomplete, because I perceive that I should have pursued a career in music rather than science. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for apparently not showing me the way to pursuing a career in music, especially singing, instead of realising and understanding that I myself have also never moved myself to realise this part of me, thus the responsibility is on me.

When and as I see myself dwelling on the past in terms of my parents not doing anything to push me into the direction of singing, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment in my mind shifting responsibility for my life and how it turned out onto my parents, which is unacceptable, therefore I commit myself to bring myself here with breathing and do not allow myself to dwell on the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I was never good enough to pursue a career in music, specifically that I wasn't a good enough violin player in order to become a professional violin player, and have therefore rather directed myself towards science.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel remorse for not recognizing my own talents "soon enough" and not pursuing a career in singing and music myself, and be angry at myself for that, instead of realising and understanding that by having remorse and anger at myself for the past, I am locking myself in the past, I am not being here and I am taking away my power/directive principle in the present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it is too late for me to pursue a career in music/singing, and feel bad about this, like I have missed something big in my life, and due to that feel incomplete, unrealised, less than and inferior to the potential I see within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare even consider pursuing a career in singing/music, because I thought/believed/perceived that I am not pretty enough to do so, not realising and understanding that I am being influenced by and am comparing myself to the images I see in the media, which are not even real to start with, but generated with makeup and artistic illusions.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like my parents, especially my mother, were being spiteful towards me because I liked to be at my grandmother's place more than at home, because I perceived it to be more safe and peaceful there than at home where my parents were fighting. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt and attacked every time my mother would bring up the subject of my grandmother having stolen me from her, and feel like she is making me responsible for something that was the consequence of her own doing, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like an innocent victim of my mother's delusions and victimize myself instead of realising and understanding that this is how I take my power away from myself by acknowledging that she had more power than me to make me feel a certain way.

When and as I see myself thinking back and perceiving that my mother/my parents were blaming me and being spiteful towards me for my grandmother stealing me from her/them emotionally, and feeling like an innocent and powerless victim within this, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am only feeding my mind as ego (negative) energy, therefore I commit myself to immediately bring myself back here and do not allow myself to feel like a victim of my mother, because I realise and understand that I am in that moment shifting responsibility for the way I experience myself onto her, which is unacceptable.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with and resentful towards my mother for never keeping her promises, especially about quitting drinking, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like her victim every time she didn't fulfill her promise that she will quit drinking. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop the belief that not all promises need to be kept.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior, less than and unimportant to my mother every time she failed to keep a promise to me, instead of realising and understanding that her not keeping her promises had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.

When and as I see myself thinking back on my mother's unkept promises and feel like I was not good enough or worthy enough for her to keep her promises to me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within self-victimization, therefore I commit myself to bring myself back here with breathing, because I realise and understand that I am abdicating my self-responsibility with self-victimization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not respect and fulfill my promises and commitments, and find it easy to not keep/fulfill them according to the way I felt or didn't feel in the moment of having to keep them, instead of realising and understanding that this is how I crumble and ruin my integrity and standing.

When and as I see myself wanting to back out of a promise/commitment and not do what I promised/committed myself to do for any reason, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment compromising my integrity, therefore I commit myself to investigate the reasons for not wanting to keep a promise and/or fulfill a commitment, I remove the reasons with self-forgiveness and correct myself and direct myself towards keeping the promise/fulfilling the commitment within common sense and the principle of what is best for all.

Day 209: Taking credit for my partner's success

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the saying "behind every successful man there is a great woman", by feeling like responsibility for my partner's success in the system is being pushed onto me by this statement and people who are saying it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel responsible for my partner's success in the system, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad/negative/less than/inferior whenever I perceive that my partner is not successful in the system, and on the flip side feel good/positive/more than/superior whenever I perceive that my partner is successful in the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate myself according to my perception of my partner's system success, and feel like I'm worth a lot when I perceive my partner to be successful, and feel worthless when I perceive my partner to be unsuccessful, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's relationship construct for the sake of generating energy for my mind to survive as ego.

When and as I see myself validating myself with - or reacting to something due to validating myself with my partner's success - I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating in my mind as a system that connects to another system in order to survive and thrive, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for all, not allowing myself to validate and be influenced in any way by the success I perceive my partner to have in the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  wish/want/need/desire to have a partner, who is successful in the system and rich, with which I could brag in front of people and make myself feel good about myself on account of my partner's success, not realising and understanding that I am supporting an illusion within myself by generating within myself a false sense of accomplishment, because I practically had nothing to do with my partner's success except for being his partner while he did it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to take credit for the help I might have offered/given my partner on his way to system success, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel accomplished (whenever I perceive my partner to be successful in the system) just for having been with him and helped him with tasks that lead to his success, and then own part of his success as my own in my mind, instead of realising and understanding that I am using minimal physical effort to get a big sense of satisfaction and gratification and generate a lot of positive energy in order to sustain and perpetuate my mind as ego.

When and as I see myself wanting to take credit for and make myself feel good about myself with my partner's success within the system, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am generating positive energy in my mind by feeling proud of my partner, feeling accomplished simply for being his partner, which I do not accept and allow anymore. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern, I direct myself in breath and do not allow myself to validate myself with my partner in any way.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all triggers and thought patterns with which I want to validate myself with my partner's success in the system, because I realise and understand that I am only generating energy to survive and thrive as the mind and I am keeping myself enslaved with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope and dream and act towards getting a partner who will be successful in the system so that I wouldn't have to be putting in the effort to survive and sustain myself in the system but have a life of leisure that success brings, not realising and understanding that in this selfish pattern I am ignoring all of reality, all that is here, except myself and my own, which I realise and understand is unacceptable.

Day 208: Reacting to the tone of people's voices

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with annoyance, anger, resentment, blame, furiousness and wanting to get revenge, whenever I perceive that someone is being demanding of me, instead of realising and understanding that I am feeling inferior and that I am trying to compensate with superiority as all those emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define being demanding as an act of superiority, and feel inferior whenever I'm being demanded something of, and feel like a servant, a subordinate, instead of realising and understanding that I am creating this experience for myself and can stop it.

When and as I see myself reacting emotionally when I perceive that someone is being demanding of me, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating in my mind's polarity construct, where I have defined being demanding as an act of superiority, towards which I feel inferior and then need to compensate with power feelings of anger, resentment, annoyance, frustration, blame, fury, wanting to get revenge. Therefore I stop, I breathe, I investigate and remove the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness, and I direct myself in breath towards what is best for all with common sense.

I commit myself to stopping and removing my emotional reactions towards someone I perceive to be demanding, because I realise and understand that their beahviour doesn't influence me unless I create their influence within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define the word 'demanding' as negative, bad, and connect and equate it with power - someone forcing me to do something - and in that feel inferior, whenever I see/perceive myself to be in the position of being demanded something of, instead of allowing myself to breathe and be stable here and not allow myself to go into an emotional reaction towards the tone with which something has been said to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react energetically, emotionally - positively and negatively - towards the tone of voice that people have when they talk to me, and go into projections of what they are feeling inside when they are talking a certain way - using my own behaviour as reference - instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions, therefore I am not aware of and equal to all that is here, and might misunderstand what is being communicated.

When and as I see myself reacting towards the tone of voice of people - positively or negatively - I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind and am therefore not being aware of all that is here, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath towards what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react positively to people's tone of voice that I perceive to be positive, and be happy to hear them having a positive tone of voice, and feel good/positive/superior/more than, when I am in such a conversation, and work towards keeping the conversation positive and pleasant, instead of realising and understanding that I am feeding my mind as ego the energy of positive feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively to people's tone of voice that I perceive to be negative, and be afraid to talk to them due to my perception of their tone of voice being negative, and feel bad/negative/inferior/less than when I am in such a conversation, and work towards retaliating and overpowering the person or subduing myself to the person based on the starting point of my self-interest, not realising and understanding that I am in that moment feeding my mind as ego the energy of negative emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assess the direction I'll be taking within communication with people based on their feedback through their tone of voice, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating in my mind's construct of social behaviour, where I'll feel happy to communicate with people with positive voice tones and be scared to communicate with people with negative voice tones, and in that I will adjust to them and not go into the direction that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adjust my responses in conversations based on the feedback of the tone of voices of other people and work towards keeping them positive in order to be able to feel positive about myself, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating in my mind as ego.

When and as I see myself wanting to adjust my response based on people's tone of voice, I stop and I breathe. I check my starting point and clear it of self-interest with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath towards what is best for all.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my reactions to people's voice tonalities, positive and negative, because I realise and understand that whenever I am reacting to them, I am participating in my mind with self-interest and am not being equal to all that is here.

Day 207: The 'convenience' of euthanasia for animals

A family cat is dying. I don't live with the cat, so I can't know for sure, but yesterday when visiting I didn't get the impression that it's in such a bad shape that it needs to be put down. I was cautious about this subject because I didn't want to come off as wanting to put the cat down because it is cheaper and more convenient than treatment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive/consider/regard putting animals down as more convenient for me than treatment of the animal because it is cheaper, quicker and generally less of a hassle, not realising and understanding that in that moment I am only considering myself and my own needs/wants/desires/ and not the animals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive people, who consider money before the well-being of an animal - regardless of what their financial situation is - as heartless, and therefore feel like a heartless person because I am taking into consideration my own survival within the system when considering the treatment or euthanasia for an animal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider/define/perceive my own financial situation and saving money to be more important than an animals well being, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that spending money on the treatment of animals is an unnecessary and unfair expense, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within fear of loss of money and am therefore putting money before life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of considering my own financial situation/well-being before the health of an animal that needs medical treatment, and want to hide it from myself and others by not wanting to put an animal down even when it is needed due to not wanting to come off as if I am rushing it only to save money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being seen/perceived as neglectful and selfish if I suggest an animal to be put down without exercising every other available option no matter how much it costs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not being prepared to spend all of my money on the treatment of an animal, when I perceive that the treatment would not be efficient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a villain, like I am doing something evil and bad, whenever I need to put down an animal to relieve it of it's suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to counter/balance the feeling of doing something bad when putting down an animal by calling/perceiving/defining it as an 'act of mercy', with which I would try to feel superior in order to neutralize the feeling of inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive any act of killing as 'bad', regardless of the starting point, instead of realising and understanding that the starting point is everything and accepting death as a part of life without judging it as 'bad'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define putting down an animal as a relief for me because I don't have to worry about it being in pain anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone putting down an animal because I felt bad about killing it.

When and as I have an energetic emotional reaction to putting down an animal, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my 'death is bad' construct, and am therefore not able to be clear about the situation, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath towards what is best for all and do not allow myself to be influenced by my own perceptions and definitions of death.

I commit myself to investigating and releasing my mind construct of 'death is bad', because I realise and understand that death is a part of life and only the mind fears death due to not knowing what is beyond it.

Day 206: "Doing accounts is so boooring and I don't want to!"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to shift my responsibilities for taking care of my business onto other people, and have them take care of those responsibilities of mine so that I wouldn't have to work and educate myself in order to be absolutely responsible for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have other people, like my accountant, take care of my expenses sheets so that I would not have to be bothered with them. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive having to do expenses sheets for myself/my business as a hassle, as a burden, as a bother, instead of allowing myself to learn and be the directive principle of my own business, not realising and understanding that with these negative perceptions about doing expense sheets about my business, I am limiting myself from being able to look at the point, learning and educating myself about the point, and taking full responsibility and be the directive principle in whole of my business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up resistances towards accounting and doing accountant responsibilities for my business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate accounting business with mathematics, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a negative attitude towards doing my accounts and my expense sheets, instead of realising and understanding that I am severely limiting myself from being absolutely self-responsible and in control of my business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as the non-accounting type, as one that is too dumb and too limited and too uneducated to be able to be doing accountant work for my business such as expense sheets, and too dumb and limited to educate myself about the way my business works within the system, instead of realising and understanding that with these perceptions I am making excuses for myself to not have to take absolute self-responsibility and could rather shift that responsibility for my business onto my accountant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think in this moment that "if my friend's mother can do expense sheets, then so can I", instead of realising and understanding that I am going into comparison and competition, and I am also feeling ashamed of myself for not wanting to take responsibility for my business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate doing my accounts, my expenses sheets to boring mathematics.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive mathematics boring and uninteresting, instead of realising and understanding that with this definition/perception I am giving myself permission to not learn it, thus I am limiting myself and abdicating my responsibility towards learning mathematics.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as one that is not naturally talented mathematician, instead of realising and understanding that I have been limiting myself my whole life with this perception and abdicating my responsibility towards learning mathematics.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that some people are naturally gifted for mathematics, and some are not, instead of realising and understanding that learning mathematics is only a matter of exercise, which I have proven to myself numerous times when I passed tests for which I actually studied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of mathematics because I have within myself built up a mind construct about mathematics being hard and incomprehensible to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself when I thought that I am not able to be good with mathematics, instead of realising and understanding that I was simply giving into laziness because I didn't feel like doing the necessary exercises in order to fully grasp mathematics.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I have been limiting myself my whole life from learning mathematics by creating a perception within myself about mathematics, which I charged negatively and so have created resistance towards mathematics.

When and as I see myself feeling any kind of polarity energetic movements within myself towards mathematics or any other school subject, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment compromising myself and limiting myself from effectively learning about that subject, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself towards effectively learning about the subject without any polarized energetic perceptions about it.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my energetic, polarized perceptions about things that I need to learn, because I realise and understand that by allowing myself to have those perceptions, I am limiting myself from effectively learning and I am compromising myself with ignorance about those things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that accountant's work is too complicated and hard for me to comprehend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to accountants for not knowing and understanding the work that they do so that a business may be fully operational within the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself inside a cycle of not wanting to learn new things about how my business is set up and works within the system, and make excuses such as "I just want to be a translator", instead of realising and understanding that by not knowing anything about how my business works within the system, I am severely limiting and compromising myself and putting myself up for failure and to be a victim to the mistakes of other people who are handling my business in terms of accounts and how it is set up in the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed by the amount of data that I have to read and learn about how my business works within the system, instead of realising and understanding that I must take things one by one, breath by breath, and not allow myself to become overwhelmed, because that is me as the mind wanting to abdicate my self-responsibility for learning and expanding myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define learning new things as overwhelming and impossible and a hassle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated if I do not understand something right away, instead of allowing myself to be patient with myself and collect all the necessary data in order for me to effectively learn something new.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to give up in the moment when I do not understand something, instead of realising and understanding that this is how I have ruined my life up until now, and by giving up understanding something, I am severely limiting and compromising myself within the system.

When and as I see myself experiencing resistance towards taking absolute self-responsibility within the business system as not wanting to learn something new or being frustrated because I do not immediately understand something, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment compromising myself and limiting myself and abdicating my full self-responsibility for being the directive principle of my business and my life, therefore I immediately release the cause of resistance with self-forgiveness and I direct myself towards becoming fully educated about how my business is set up within the system.

I commit myself to fully educating myself on and about how my business is set up within the system, about doing my accounts, expense sheets and learning about taxation, so that I may never become compromised and limited and a victim of the system because I didn't know something, because I realise and understand that in order to be fully directive in the system, I must know how the system operates.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel resistance towards learning how businesses operate within the system because I have defined/perceived businessmen to be greedy people who are abusers, and I didn't want to perceive/define myself as such. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate businessmen and define/perceive them as abusers who take advantage of other people and the system for their personal gain, instead of realising and understanding that I am with this perception putting myself in a superior position, thus I have used this perception as a definition of myself, my personality, to feed my mind as ego energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to businesspeople and their ability to take advantage of the system for their personal gain, and their knowledge of how to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that I was one that had knowledge and information about how to take advantage of the system for personal gain and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel jealous and envious of businesspeople who have the knowledge, information and ability to be successful and rich within the system, not realising and understanding and being aware of the fact that those people also had to at some point learn about how to create and develop and direct their businesses in order to become successful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel reluctant to learn about how to build a strong business because of my fear of not being able to understand the knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define economics as a subject that is boring and complicated and impossible to learn, instead of realising and understanding that I am with this perception limiting myself and giving myself permission to not even try to understand it.

When and as I see myself perceiving anything that has to be learned as difficult, boring, complicated, too much or too vast for me to learn, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment giving myself permission to limit myself, to not put in the work and time that is needed for me to understand the knowledge. Therefore I immediately release the trigger point and thought pattern of my limiting perception with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath towards learning what I need to learn in order to be effective, one thing at a time, breath by breath, until I have learned it effectively, and I do not allow myself to go into any kind of polarized perceptions about what I am learning in that moment.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all of my polarized perceptions and definitions about things that need to be learned/that I need to learn, because I realise and understand that nothing is impossible to learn, and for me to learn something, I must put in the necessary time and effort, and by having polarized perceptions/definitions about the knowledge, I am limiting myself as ego and compromising my ability to learn the knowledge.

Day 205: Stopping my judgments towards healthy living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and laugh at people, who consume organic foods and are interested in organic solutions and body cleanses and health tips and ayurveda and holistic medicine, instead of realising and understanding that by doing so, I have put myself in my mind onto a pedestal of 'knowing better', thus in a superior position to them, with which I generate energy for my mind to exist as ego. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now feel ashamed of myself for investigating the same things, after being concerned that my body has become toxic after years of consumption of polluted processed food, and I also forgive myself for being ashamed of making fun of these people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/perceive/define people who are interested and are investigating healthy living as health freaks and hypochondriacs, instead of realising and understanding that I am using this perception as a way of making myself feel superior to them, and I am on the flipside of this construct feeling inferior to them as being someone who doesn't have the money to play along in this what I perceived to be a fad. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label/perceive/define looking for organic foods and caring about health as a fad, not realising and understanding that I have also created this perception in order to make myself feel superior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become irritated and feel superior, whenever someone talks about organic food and alternative medicine, not realising and understanding that I am doing so from my own limited standpoint of having been educated within the westerner medical/pharmaceutical system, in which I learned (and adopted this knowledge as an ego point to feel superior through knowledge) only about western research and experiments, which are kept in strict separation within different disciplines, and I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that separate disciplines are a way to take on science, not realising and understanding that everything within the physical bodies of all beings and everything in nature is interconnected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive holistic medicine as a bunch of bullshit, not realising and understanding that I have picked this belief up from my father, and have taken on his negative view of it and made it part of my ego/personality, instead of investigating holistic medicine for myself and making my own conclusions about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive myself to be an expert on medical/health/pharmaceutical issues due to having been educated in those fields, and thus become irritated and angry, frustrated, resentful and spiteful, whenever that knowledge is challenged, by reacting with inferiority by taking it personally by feeling that I am not being respected as an individual who was educated in these things, thus I am reacting by lashing out with superiority and try to discredit the source of information and act like my source of information is the only valid one, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct of superiority and inferiority, within which I am only generating energy for my mind to exist as ego, and thus am limiting myself from learning new things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive myself to be an expert in dieting and healthy eating because I have read some books on it years ago, instead of realising and understanding that I have trapped myself into a very limited mind construct of considering only that data to be reliable, and shunning all other data as not reliable, not realising and understanding that I have allowed this to become an ego point with which I generate energy for my mind and am not taking into consideration any other type of research or even considering trying out new things for myself.

When and as I see myself in any way energetically reacting to topics about health, weight loss, diets, natural healing, organic foods, ayurveda, holistic methods, alternative medicine and anything that is related to the health of the physical body and nature, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I have allowed myself to become limited by knowledge that I took in throughout my life, and have started to shun any other knowledge that doesn't relate to and fall in with my own sources of knowledge, and that in the moment of reaction I am participating within my mind's polarity construct of inferiority and superiority around knowledge, with which I only fuel my ego with energy. Thus I stop myself, I breathe, I do not allow myself to act on the reaction, but I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself within the awareness that I do not know everything, that I have much to learn and that different things work differently for different people.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all my energetic reactions towards knowledge and information about the physical body and nature, about health and dieting and medicine and pharmacy, because I realise and understand that any kind of energetic reactions towards this knowledge means that I have created a personal relationship with it in my mind, with which I generate positive or negative energy within myself to keep my ego going, and am thus limiting myself and not allowing myself to expand by taking in new knowledge and information.