Day 116: Being fat ruined my life - introduction

I've been "fat" ever since I can remember. I've been dieting since my early primary school days, because my mother was a ballet teacher, I was attending her classes, and it's not for a ballerina to be fat. Somewhere along the line it was decided for me that I would quit ballet and focus on my violin classes (my father's trade), because it became clear that I'm simply not built to be a ballerina.

The consequences of this were immense. I loved to express myself through dancing, I still do, but because I was fat, I couldn't keep doing what I loved. I was always incredibly troubled by my appearance, and I couldn't understand why this is happening to me. When I was comparing to my thin schoolmates, and being all depressed about it, my mother would try to console me by telling me that I am "big-boned". It wasn't much of a consolation, though, because the kids at school kept picking at me for being fat. When I told my mom about that, she'd tell me to reciprocate by finding some fault in them and picking on them for it. I tried doing that, but it didn't seem to bother them nearly as much as them picking on my fat bothered me. I grew up into a frustrated, unhappy, forever dieting and overeating individual. When I wasn't dieting, I was overeating to deal with the depression and unhappiness, thus catching myself in an eternal vicious cycle of self-destruction.

What I have noticed in my life was that I wasn't eating much more than my peers. I did have a different relationship with food, though. Sometimes I'd eat to make myself feel better, not to not be hungry, but I also tried controlling that and eating only as much as my peers. It didn't work, I was still heavier than them. I couldn't understand, why the hell I'm fat, and others are not. I didn't know anything about the obesity system design that triples all of my food intakes. I didn't know it existed. I started believing the limited accepted knowledge of how obesity works in this world, that it is a consequence of calorie intake, and that it is my own fault that I am fat. That made me even more frustrated about not being able to solve this problem. I've been trying since forever, but I could never ever achieve the perfect ideal body figure of ideal women in the magazines and on TV. What bothered me even more, something that I've been able to put into words only recently, was the fact that everyone else also seems to believe that fat people want to be fat and that it's their own fault for not being thin, and therefore it is ok to pick on them. It's a socially accepted paradigm. I can guarantee that there is not one fat person on this planet that didn't try at some point in their life to restrict their calorie intake. It simply doesn't work, unless the cut is so drastic that it impairs normal life, so one is either forever stuck in battling with food patterns, or giving in, making peace with forever being picked on for being fat and developing some or other coping-mechanism for it. I belong to the former. My weight fluctuates a lot, and it follows a certain pattern. When I eat whatever I want, it goes up. Afterwards I stick to a low calorie intake for a while, and it goes down, but never enough for me to feel "normal" and not standing out.
The only time in my life that I was able to approximately get myself near to a "normal" weight was when I discovered ephedrine. It is a under-the-counter drug that can cause heart problems, but I didn't care enough to not try to escape this hell of being fat with it. It makes one not hungry, so my food intake dropped to only one meal a day, and even that one was very small. For about six months I would literally eat about one serving of soup a day or something equivalent to that. And I still didn't manage to become "thin", but I did feel a bit more "acceptable". As soon as I quit the drug, my weight began to go up again.

When I discovered Desteni, I found out about the system design and a bit about how it is connected to my relationship patterns with men. Theoretically I should be able to get rid of it by investigating and removing those patterns, so that is what I'll attempt to do within my Process.

This is an introduction to my research of that realm. Stay tuned.

Day 115: My relationship with sweets

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed, cheated, angry, sad, resentful, frustrated and feel sorry for myself, because I perceive that I cannot eat cake/sweets, because cake/sweets will make me fat.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that eating cake will make me fat, and feel cheated out of the experience of eating cake, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive eating cake as a treat, as a special experience, and define/perceive it to be better than salty foods.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define deserts and sweets as comfort foods and reward foods, with which I will reward myself or make myself feel better about something, whenever I feel bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a special intimate relationship with sweets/food, where I would in my childhood steal money from my parents in order to go to the sweet shop alone on my way to music school, and I would buy myself a treat, because I have defined those bought treats as/with happiness and equated and connected them to the experience where my mother took me out to buy sweets, and I felt happy that day and that my mother is with me only, and therefore I connected sweets with safety and security and happiness and I tried to recreate that feeling within myself by buying sweets, whenever something was wrong in my life, and I wanted to recall that feeling of safety, security and happiness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to buy sweets every time I get my paycheck, because I used to buy sweets from my mother's paycheck, when she would send me for it, when she didn't feel like going to get it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crave sweets, whenever I feel bad or perceive that I have problems, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to treat myself with sweets in order to make myself temporarily feel better, instead of realising and understanding that I am giving into an addiction, a sugar addiction, with which I want to run away from facing my problems and myself within them.
When and as I see myself wanting to eat sweets in order to compensate for a bad/negative feeling within myself, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I have defined sweets as something that comforts me and makes me feel better, but on the flip side I perceive that they make me fat, thus I will feel bad for eating them and believe that they will make me heavier, which they essentially physically do, therefore I release the trigger point of feeling bad with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that a life without sweets is unimaginable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to live without having sweets in my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive/feel that I couldn't survive/live happily without sweets.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive sweets as one of life's pleasures, and therefore want/need/desire to eat them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it would be hard to live without eating sweets, instead of realising that sugar is the enslavement tool that keeps me addicted to food/sweets.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that it would be hard to live without sugar and that I could never do it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bake and make sweets for 'my loved ones' in order to show them 'love' and 'appreciation', instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within amind construct of wanting to be loved and appreciated and am buying those things with sweets so I would get them in return.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner and my family and friends will like me more if I feed/give them sweets.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel love for the people that give me sweets.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive/equate sweets with love.

Day 114: My relationship with food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about food the first thing in the morning, when I wake up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about food and eating it to make myself feel better, whenever I perceive that I have a discord and problems with my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the attitude of "I don't care how much weight I gain", whenever I perceive that I have a problem with my partner and want to eat in order to make myself feel better, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to punish my partner by gaining weight and not looking my best for him anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to restrict my food intake in order to loose weight for my partner so that my partner would be satisfied with my looks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I gain weight every time I think about food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated that I have to be careful about what I eat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ask myself how people who have no problems with weight live their life without thinking about food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define my morning coffee as a treat and running away from reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated, whenever my partner looks at me and then think/believe/perceive that he doesn't like the way I look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and think about what food is made of, what kind of ingredients it has and how many calories it has.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/define food as bad and something that will harm me if I eat it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of eating in front of my partner and think/believe/perceive that he is judging me for the amount of food I'm eating, instead of realising that I am judging myself about the amount of food that I am eating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the amount of food I eat, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat more than my body needs in order to make myself feel good with food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must eat everything that is on my plate, because children in Africa are starving, instead of seeing the fallacy of this statement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive tortilla chips with nachos to be a reward food and a food that I can enjoy when watching a movie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate food that I eat while watching a movie with having great pleasure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat while watching a movie and think/believe/perceive that this is making both experiences more enjoyable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and equate food with enjoyment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse food in order to create a feeling of enjoyment within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel happy and satisfied, whenever I eat food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive eating food as a social activity and an activity that will bring me and my partner closer together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from food in defining it as something that I enjoy, that brings me joy, and also as something that brings me grief, because I believe that I get fat when I eat food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame food and hate food, because I become fatter when I eat it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy and be jealous of people, whom I perceive to be able to eat all the food they want and not get fat, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with my partner and blame him and accuse him that he doesn't understand why I am fat, because he doesn't have the same problems with food that I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my relationship with food as 'problematic'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define food as my biggest problem in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as a food addict, instead of realising and understanding that within this I am giving into the pattern of hopelessness and abdication of self-responsibility, because "I cannot do anything about being fat, I am a food addict"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I cannot loose weight no matter how hard I try, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated, because I perceive that I cannot loose weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to loose weight in order for my partner to like me, instead of realising and understanding that I am playing into the construct of being afraid of loosing my partner, if he doesn't like the way I look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel feelings of shame and disgust with myself, whenever I take twice to eat, and think believe and perceive that my partner and people in my surroundings are going to judge me for it, instead of realising and understanding that I myself am judging people who take food twice and enjoy their food as guilty of being fat and being pigs that indulge in food without consideration for their weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose awareness of the food that I am eating when watching something or reading something while eating.

Day 113: Discomfort about sharing personal information

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/feel uncomfortable, whenever people share with me information that I perceive/define as personal, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that personal information and problems should be dealt with personally, and that sharing them with another is a sign of weakness, instead of realising that I am participating within apolarity construct, in which I will feel inferior and less than and 'vulnerable' when and as I am sharing my personal information with others, and perceive that they can now somehow use this information against me, and on the flip side I will feel superior and more than and powerful, when other people share their information with me, and will perceive and define this information as power that I can hold over them in order to manipulate them into doing what I want in self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I feel uncomfortable in situations where I share 'personal' information and when it is being shared with me because I perceive and define 'personal' information as a manipulation point, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive information that I perceive as personal as a manipulation point that I can use with people, whenever I want them to do something for me in self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable in intimate situations where I perceive people to be sharing their personal experiences and information with me, instead of allowing myself tohear them out and put myself in their shoes and direct the situation as myself.

When and as I see myself feeling uncomfortable within intimate situations, where 'personal' experiences and information are being shared with me and where I am sharing my 'personal' information and experiences, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that the discomfort is a consequence of participating within the "knowledge is power" construct, where I have defined 'personal' information as a manipulation tool for gaining power over others, creating 'trust' and 'co-dependency', therefore I release the trigger point of the discomfort with self-forgiveness and direct the situation in breath as myself.

I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness stop and remove all points and constructs within which I feel discomfort with others (and myself) in intimate situations, where personal information and experiences are being shared, because I realise and understand that otherwise I am separating myself from myself and all that is here within some judgement towards the situation, thus making myself superior/inferior to it, and am not able to direct it within myself in equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the experiences that are being shared with me by defining them as 'personal', and therefore as a manipulation point, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like there is 'trust' being built in sharing 'personal' information, and then feel responsible to create an 'equilibrium' by reciprocating with the same amount of trust, instead of remaining here in breath and not judging the situation as 'personal'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from an intimate situation and the 'personal' experiences and information that is being shared with me by feeling uncomfortable within it and judgethat information, and then use reciprocation as a diversion point from actually looking at the information that is being shared and directing myself within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must create an equilibrium between me and another that is in an intimate situation sharing their 'personal' experiences and information with me, and create a sense of obligation within myself to reciprocate by sharing some personal experiences and information of my own, instead of realising that I am participating within the construct of knowledge being power that I have allowed to exist within me, where I will want to reciprocate with vulnerability, so that I would show the other person a sign of 'good will' as in "I will share some personal data with you so that you wouldn't think that I will use your personal data against you, because I trust you as much as you trust me", instead of realising that I am doing so, because I fear that otherwise the other people will think and be afraid that I might use the 'personal' information that they shared against them.

When and as I see myself wanting to reciprocate to an intimate situation where 'personal' information and experiences are being shared with me with my own 'personal' information and experiences that I perceive to be of the same/similar magnitude, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a preprogrammed design of "knowledge/information is power", where I will want to ensure the other person that their trust in me is not in vain, where I will be afraid that if I do not do that, the other people will feel vulnerable and inferior and afraid that I will use the information against them, and will thus want to create equilibrium, and on the flip side I will be afraid of sharing my own 'personal' experiences/information because I fear that other people might use it against me. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to share myself to create equilibrium with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath by making myself equal to the information that is being shared.

I commit myself to stopping and removing any and all points and constructs of using information as power, because I realise and understand that this creates inequality as secrecy, secluded grouping and polarity friction within this world.

Day 112: "I'll leave you, before you leave me"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to leave my partner, before it happens that he leaves me, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I will perceive/define myself as inferior, if it so happens that my partner leaves me, and will perceive/define myself as superior, if I leave my partner first, thus being in control instead of being the victim.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as a victim, if it would happen that my partner would leave me, and feel negative and inferior about myself, which I would then try to compensate with superiority as anger and violence towards my partner and anger at myself for trusting my partner and allowing myself to be burned again.

When and as I see myself wanting to run away and leave my partner, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that this is due to my fear of me feeling inferior and powerless, if it so happens that he leaves me first, and will perceive myself as a victim in that case, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for me and my agreement.

I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application stop and remove all victimization points in my mind, where I abdicate my power and self-responsibility to fears of my partner leaving me, because I realise and understand that if I don't, I will compromise myself and our agreement by trying to compensate for that inferiority with superiority through and as wanting to control him and threatening to leave, whenever I perceive that something is not going my way.

Day 111: The Privatization of Water

Today I learned that the government in my country has agreed to the privatization of water resources initiative in Europe. There was no public discussion about this, it happened behind closed doors and far away from the public eye.

It is interesting how dissociated from reality we are as participants in this world; we're not even remotely aware of how we're all allowing this to happen. We are so busy chasing our own "happiness" and "fulfillment" and "love" that we don't even notice, when invisible shackles are put on our wrists in the form of taxations, and for what? Certainly not for the infrastructure to run smoothly, because governments of the world have been cutting and saving money on the infrastructure since the beginning of this man-made financial crisis, and before it as well.

If we do not pull our heads out of our collective asses soon, we'll soon be paying for the air that we breathe, which nature provides for free, just like water and sunlight. We all need to realise that we, as part of the 99%, give permission to the elites, the 1%, to abuse us like this.

We need to realise that we are all part of this system, of the 100%, or else we're going to ruin ourselves with 100% certainty.

Wake up. Join the Desteni courses, and learn how to take responsibility for a better future, and investigate the Equal Money System, or the children of today will have no tomorrow.

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Day 110: Wanting to do more things at the same time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel restless, impatient, unproductive and like I'm wasting time, when listening to interviews and not doing anything else. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I should be doing something simultaneously, because I'm not using my hands and am only using my ears when listening to interviews, instead of realising and understanding that listening to interviews and being focused on what is being said is a tremendous support to my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to easily become bored and look for energetic stuff to do, when I'm listening to interviews, instead of realising and understanding that with doing this I am compromising myself, because I'm missing out on parts of the interview by turning my focus elsewhere, and am not allowing myself to hear everything that is being said, not realising and understanding that every single word counts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind label/define/perceive listening to interviews as boring and not interesting, instead of realising that I am used to having energetic movement within myself about what I am doing/listening to, and am looking for that movement while listening to interviews, which doesn't happen often.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become easily distracted, when listening to interviews, instead of remaining here in breath and hearing every word and realising that every word counts.

When and as I see myself becoming distracted and looking for additional things to do when listening to interviews, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am looking for energetic movement, which is what mymind is used to doing, and without it, it becomes bored and restless and wants to entertain me with thoughts, which cause me to miss out on what is being said in the interview. Therefore I breathe and release the entertaining thoughts with self-forgiveness and direct myself towards effectively hearing what is being said in the interview.

I commit myself to become effective in listening to interviews and hearing all the words that are being said, because I realise and understand that the interviews hold tremendous support and information, with which I can assist and support myself in my process.