Day 170: "I am not like my mother!"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and avoid being and becoming like my mother. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become like my mother anyway, and have her "escapades" serve as an excuse for my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my mother as pathetic and sad due to needing my help, because of my belief that parents should be a source of stability and support for their children, and not the other way around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have financially and psychologically stable parents, to whom I could turn for stability and support, whenever I feel in need of them, instead of realising and understanding that within this I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility by wanting to have parents that I could run to away from myself and my self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with my mother and act spitefully towards her and want/need/desire to deny her my help because I perceive her to be weak and to be a less than an exemplary parent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that children should be able to rely on their parents all their lives, even after coming of age, instead of realising and understanding that I am within this belief looking for an excuse and reason to not take absolute self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger, disinterest, annoyance, resentfulness, frustration and spitefulness, whenever my mother asks me for help, because I feel like it is unfair for her to ask my help, when I perceive that she didn't do a good job in being a parent, and now I perceive her to be the same freeloader I always perceived her to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/perceive/define my mother as a lazy freeloader, who is not willing to work for a decent survival of her children, but would rather have and make fun only for herself no matter the consequences to others, instead of realising and understanding that I am projecting a part of myself onto her, because I too carry a very selfish part within myself, where I would put my own indulgences and energetic addictions before the actual physical needs of other beings, which I can observe every time I pass a "less fortunate" than myself, and do not share with them everything I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that a mother should always consider and regard her children first, before everyone else, even herself, and to label/define/judge/perceive a mother, who doesn't do so, as a bad mother, as one that does not deserve to be helped by her children, when they come of age.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to promise help to  my mother if she does process, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated, angry, annoyed and resentful, when I see/perceive that my mother is doing process from the starting point of making me happy in order to get my help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remember all the bad memories and instances, where I perceived that my mother has hurt me, whenever I talk to her, especially, when she is asking my help, and then use these memories within myself to justify and excuse my reluctance to help her, instead of allowing myself to have a blank clean slate and a common sense outlook on my mother's situation without allowing the polarity driven memories about my experiences with my mother, which I have not released yet, to dictate and direct my responses to her situation.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally let go of all the polarity driven memories that I use in order to generate the characters of the personality, within which I communicate and participate with my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into blame and resentment towards my mother, whenever she asks me for help, in order for me to not have to take responsibility to help her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for my mother to leave me alone and not ask me for help, because I perceive/define helping my mother to be a hassle, and I perceive that if I help her, she will not appreciate or respect it anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be appreciated and respected by my mother/parents/family/siblings/friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to help my mother from the starting point of wanting to get her respect and appreciation. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always feel unappreciated and disrespected by my mother because I perceive that she was being self-indulgent and always put her own wants/needs/desires before my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my mother doesn't respect of appreciate me, because I perceive she never cared to take care of my needs before her own self-indulgent behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive/judge/label my mother as a self-indulgent bitch, instead of realising that I am the self-indulgent bitch, who is projecting parts of myself onto her, and feeling superior within it, since "I do not have children that need my care and attention, which I am then not giving them, which is what my mother behaved like".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry within myself a constantly and continuously running underlying hatred for my mother, because I perceived/believed/thought that she didn't make an effort in order to provide her children with a dignified life, but instead counted on them to provide that for her, instead of realising and understanding that I am projecting myself onto her, because I myself was counting on other people including my mother to provide me with a dignified life, within which I was running away from my own self-responsibility to provide myself with a dignified life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to count on other people in my life - my parents, siblings, family, relatives, friends and partner - to provide a dignified life for me, and then react with resentment, anger, frustration, spitefulness and hatred, whenever I perceived that this didn't happen, instead of realising and understanding that within this I am abdicating my absolute self-responsibility to provide a dignified life for myself.

When and as I see myself reacting negatively or positively in interaction and participation with my mother, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that in that moment I am projecting onto her a part of myself that I have not yet dealt with, therefore I investigate the trigger point and release the thought/behavioural pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath with common sense towards what is best for both my mother and me in the given situation.

I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application stop and remove all my memories and consequential reactions to my mother, because I realise and understand that as long as I have reactions towards her, I am not standing and directing myself in stability and clarity, but am participating with/through my mind as ego.

I commit myself to observing myself, when interacting, talking to and participating with my mother, and immediately writing out the memories and reactions that come up within me, because I realise and understand that by doing so, I will gain clarity and self-direction necessary for directing the situation at hand and assisting and supporting myself and my mother as myself, instead of denying her my help due to spitefulness based on the polarity of memories of the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect my mother to always behave as she did, when I felt happy and content with having her around, where she devoted her time to me, spent time with me, and wasn't drunk, instead of realising and understanding that by having expectations of my mother to always behave in a way that makes me happy and content, I am setting myself up for disappointments and resentment and hatred towards my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  define/perceive my mother to be a cool mother, when she wasn't drunk, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire for my mother to always be sober and act like the "caring" mothers on TV, and show interest in how I am doing in my life and show interest in my school and grades, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind polarity construct of wishing to have the perfect mother and wishing to feel superior to other kids/my friends for having a perfect mother and being able to brag about it, and on the flip side feeling inferior for not having these experiences that I have come up with in my head about my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my mother as not caring and not loving and not attentive enough for me to want to help her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to swear to myself that I will never be like my mother, and hate being compared to her, instead of realising and understanding that this is so, because I am like my mother, and am projecting myself on her, and this is why I hate her. I realise and understand that for me to clear myself of energetic reactions towards my mother, I must release from myself the points that I judge in her, with which I will give myself a stable and clear outlook and self-direction in communication and participation with my mother.

Day 169: Relationship paranoia

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being cheated on and/or left by my partner and looking like a fool in front of everyone, instead of realising and understanding that I am projecting this possibility onto my partner from within, where I would look for ways in my mind to cheat on my partner after being fed up with him or dissatisfied with him in some way, and hide this form him, thus staying within the comfort of the relationship, where I perceived myself to be safe and secure form the world. I also forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I have built up the fear of being cheated on when I watched my mother cheat on my father, and I would feel sorry for him for having a wife that is not faithful to him.

When and as I see myself fearing that my partner is looking for ways to cheat on me, and that he is interested in other women, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am giving into my paranoia of not wanting to look like a fool, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath, not allowing myself to go into paranoia and projection that he is looking for ways to cheat on me, because I realise and understand that I am projecting my own personality onto him, and not seeing the reality of the situation as it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to see myself as a fool for trusting my partner in the possible event of him cheating on me, instead of realising and understanding that I am fearing this because I fear loosing the relationship and the comfort that I perceive it provides for me, not realising and understanding that I am separating myself from comfort by defining and perceiving it to only be providable within a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and perceive the relationship with my partner as comfortable and safe and secure, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel safe and secure within a relationship, instead of realising and understanding that I am abdicating my full self-responsibility within doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt and question my partner about cheating on me, instead of realising and understanding that I am feeling insecure, because I think/believe/perceive that he might run off with some other woman because I don't think I am pretty enough for him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure about my partner staying with me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that my partner might run off with some other woman, because he doesn't perceive me as beautiful enough, instead of realising and understanding that I am the one that labels/perceives myself that way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as not pretty/beautiful enough for my partner, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to be more beautiful for my partner, because I fear that he might run off with some other woman, not realising and understanding that it is me who is defining and perceiving myself as not good enough for him, and therefore fearing that he might leave me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am not good enough, pretty enough and beautiful enough for my partner to want to be with me. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for my partner for having to be with me, and wanting myself to be more beautiful, because I fear that if I am not more beautiful, I will loose the relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to hold on to the relationship with my partner, because I perceive myself to be not beautiful and young enough for him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my partner is still wanting to be with his old partner, instead of realising that I use this fear in order to fuel my mind by feeling inferior to his ex by thinking that he still wants to be with her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my partner still wants to be with his ex, instead of realising and understanding that I am using this fear in order to keep myself in my preprogrammed design of believing that I am not good enough for my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive/fear that I am not good enough, pretty enough, young enough and beautiful enough for my partner to want to be with me, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I will always perceive myself as not good enough, beautiful enough and young enough for my partner, and try to balance it out with superiority such as "I have more experience, I am better at sex, I make more money and I do better process", and I will use this polarity to keep myself occupied and enslaved by my mind

When and as I see myself thinking that I am not good enough for my partner, not pretty/beautiful enough and not young enough for my partner, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within relationship paranoia, where I fear loosing my partner and want to hold on to my partner, because I perceive that I have more worth , when I am in a partnership, especially with a younger man, because that might make me younger in the eyes of others, therefore I release the trigger point of thinking I am not good enough for my partner, and I direct myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that being in a relationship with a younger man makes me more desirable in the eyes of others, instead of realising and understanding that I myself have come up with that definition, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that women with younger partners are worth something more, that they are more desirable and therefore better/superior to other women.

Day 168: Rendering myself inactive with perfectionism paranoia

It was suggested to me to write a blog (series) about paranoia on beauty and physical appearance. I immediately went into fear and self-doubt about whether I’ll be able to do this effectively and whether other people are going to understand my writings and whether they’ll see me as more than for having such “deep insight”. I allowed these thoughts and fears to fester. I have neglected my daily writings, and caught myself in the same vicious loop of being inactive that I’ve been living since forever - the loop of simply not doing something because of fear and self-doubt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and self-doubt, whenever someone asks me to do something that I have not done before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing new things and trying out new things due to being afraid that I might not excel at them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that everything I do must be perfect, or it is not worth even trying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I would do less than perfect, if I tried out a new thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have perfect results with everything that I do, so that I would be praised by other people for being so good at things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things and try out new things with the starting point of being praised by other people for my results, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed my mind with energy by feeling positive, whenever someone praises me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crave other people’s appraisal for the things that I do in life, instead of me being the starting point of doing things for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself for being inactive and not writing blogs regularly every day, instead of realizing and understanding that I am giving into anger, because I feel helpless and worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel worthless, whenever I do not know how to do something, instead of assisting and supporting myself to try and find a way to learn how to do things that I do not know how to do yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself, and think/believe/perceive that I am unable to do something, just because I haven’t learned it yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I will be having problems with learning how to do new things, instead of realizing and understanding that I have accepted within myself the opinion/perception/belief about myself that I have trouble learning and that I am not a capable learner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as an incapable learner, instead of realizing and understanding that learning is a result of putting in the effort and time to assist and support myself to learn something. I realize and understand that if I assist and support myself efficiently and put in enough time to learn something, then I will learn it – it is only a matter of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from having to do new things, because I’m afraid of failure, by claiming to myself that I am a bad learner anyway and it is not even worth trying to learn to do something new.

When and as I see myself wanting to avoid doing new things and learning how to do new things, I stop and I breathe. I realize and understand that I am compromising myself by wanting to do things perfectly, even the first time, or not do them at all, therefore I release the trigger point of avoidance with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath and do not allow myself to go into self-doubt and want/need/desire to do the new thing perfectly, because I realize and understand that wanting to do something perfect is stemming from my desire for other people’s approval and appraisal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lazy and to feel lazy, whenever I should be learning or doing something new, instead of realizing and understanding that this laziness is actually my fear of not having perfect results, and the underlying fear of being criticized and the underlying desire to be praised.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be praised by other people for the results of the things that I do, which I have built up in childhood, where I was praised by my teachers and mother as a very bright child, which I then took as condition that I must justify by having perfect results, and if I cannot do that, I would rather not try at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crave/want/need/desire to have my father’s appraisal and approval, for him to be proud of me, so that I could have some positive experiences with him, instead of having to fear him all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my father’s response about the things that I am doing and the results that I am getting. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to do everything perfectly, so that my father would not be angry with me for not doing it perfectly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take what I perceive to be other people’s inactivity and laziness about process as an excuse for my own inactivity and laziness, instead of realizing and understanding that I am comparing and within that compromising myself and my own process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loop and spiral into weeks of inactivity due to fear of the unknown, whenever I have to do something new, and the fear of failure, instead of realizing and understanding that the longer I wait for myself, the more unwanted consequences I’ll have to deal with for not having taken responsibility immediately when I had the chance.

Whenever I see myself making up excuses and feeling too lazy or too tired or too busy to write a blog and do some self-forgiveness every day, I stop and I breathe. I realize and understand that by not moving forward in my process every day, I take steps backwards and render myself useless and ineffective. Therefore I release the trigger point of wanting to skip writing and doing process with self-forgiveness, and I direct myself in breath towards completing my daily writing and working through points, because I realize and understand that otherwise I will allow myself to unnecessarily loop and fall in life.

I commit myself to through writing and self-corrective application stop wasting my own time and stop running away from having to face myself by playing games and entertaining myself with watching movies and series as a compensation for the work for money that I have to do and define as less pleasant than the entertainment part (with which I balance the work), because I realize and understand that I am wasting time with only my own definitions and perceptions of how things are, thus I realize and understand that writing out and removing those perceptions and definitions with self-forgiveness is crucial, because then I stop defining things as positive and negative, with which I enable myself to do things that are necessary and need to be done in order to manifest a reality that is best for all.

Day 167: Grown ups are unstable and unpredictable monsters to children

When I was little, my mother and father tried to get me to say "thank you" to the nice lady that sold ice cream. I didn't want to do it, so they first yelled at me, and then punished me by throwing away the ice cream they had just bought for me. They didn't bother investigating, why it was that I didn't want to communicate with that lady. They simply saw me as stubborn and impolite.

The truth is that I didn't want to interact with grown ups, because I was horribly afraid of them, starting with my own parents. In one moment they would be nice and ok, and then all of the sudden they'd demand something from me, and if I failed to comply for whatever reason, be it not wanting to do it or not knowing how to do it, they'd turn into yelling monsters. The fear of them diminished as I grew up and learned more about the behavioural patterns that are accepted in this world, but before I did, I was absolutely terrified of them, because there was simply no stability and no way of predicting how they would react in new and unknown situations I constantly found myself in as a growing up child, a tabula rasa.

So if my own parents, whom I knew best and were closest to me of all grown ups, were like that, then what could I expect from grown ups whom I didn't even remotely know? They could jump at me any minute for something that I did, or failed to do, therefore I was absolutely terrified of them and didn't enjoy their company one bit.

Every child goes through this. I realised how monstrous and impossible the world of grown ups is, when I saw myself becoming angry with a 2 yr old girl I was babysitting . I stopped myself immediately, because I was already doing process back then, but most grown ups around children are not, and the consequences of that are horrifying. The situation was as follows: the little girl threw some food on the floor, and I felt anger coming up, because I had to get up and clean the floor. To a grown up that would seem as a perfectly normal reaction. But from the child's perspective, who has no concept of "dirt", "germs", "tidiness" and "cleanliness", let alone "work", "tiredness" and "duty", a grown up screaming at them for dropping food on the floor is an absolutely horrifying experience. There's the child, completely oblivious to those concepts, simply doing the physical act of throwing a piece of food on the floor and watching it land, just as it does with toys. It's interesting to the child to see how it lands, because children learn about their surroundings by testing out the physical effects of their body on stuff around them. So they drop something, just like numerous times before that, when the grown up didn't react, only this time, in this case with food, they get yelled at by a grown up, which absolutely horrifies them. So they become "educated" by remembering that throwing toys on the floor is ok, but throwing food will cause the big human to scream and yell and become completely different from what they were a moment ago. Only much much later in life will they find out why food on the floor is a no-no. Until then, they'll simply act within a reference frame of fear of  the big human, and will therefore many times not dare do something that would expand their horizons and understanding of this physical existence.

Grown ups are unpredictable monsters to children, and the fact that children eventually do learn why grown ups behave the way they do, is of little solace, because by then they adopt those same ways of behaviour, rendering themselves into the same sub- and unconscious fear driven biological robots as their parents are. This is a vicious cycle of human existence, and it should really stop.

If you're a parent, I warmly suggest walking the Desteni I Process in order to stabilize oneself and be able to bring up a child that can trust you and not be afraid of you, thus empowering their critical thinking and investigation, and not just turning them into another societal sheep that is conditioned by fear.

Day 166: VIP

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/equate happiness with having important and famous friends, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value people who are perceived as important and famous in this world as more than and superior to others, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my own mind's polarity construct, where I feel less than and inferior to people, who are perceived as important and famous in this world, and therefore wish to feel superior and more than others by making friends with those "important and famous" people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have "famous and important" friends, so that I could define/perceive myself as important, and could easily manipulate others in self-interest, because they would perceive me as important for having important friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yearn for importance, and want/need/desire to experience myself as someone important in this world, instead of realising and understanding that by wanting to be important, I am wanting to be superior and thus I am negating and not considering the equality and interconnectedness of all beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that being important and/or having "important" friends in life will make my life easier and more comfortable, and will open up all doors for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have "important" friends in order to be able to use those/my VIP connections to make my own life easier within the system by simply being able to say a name in relation to myself and have all doors open for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy and be jealous of people, whom I perceive to have important friends and/or who are important themselves, because I thought/believed/perceived that they have it easier in life, and that everyone loves and adores them for being important and/or famous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be adored, admired and loved myself by being an "important person", instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where on the flip side I make myself feel unimportant and inferior, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as unimportant and feel inferior for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that having important friends will give me extra value in the eyes of others, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive people with "important" friends as more than, superior and more valuable than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive famous people as more important and more valuable than others in this world, instead of realising and understanding that this is how I support inequality within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be a member of this worlds 

"high society", so that I could make myself feel and perceive/define myself as more than and superior to others, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating in my mind's imagination, because all people are physically equal, and "more important" and "less important" are only constructs of my mind with which I support the inequality between people in this world.

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive the human being to be more important and superior to all other beings, instead of realising and understanding that I am supporting the inequality of all living beings by allowing this perception to exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of not being important in this world, instead of realising and understanding that I am equating and perceiving importance as a trait that will help me have an easier life due to other people helping me and assisting me, within which I abdicate my absolute self-responsibility for my life and my survival within this system.

When and as I see myself wanting to be important and/or wanting to have important friends and/or wanting to be able to socialize with people whom I perceive to be important and famous in this world, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating in my mind's construct of believing and perceiving that mingling with "important and famous" people will make my life easier and more fun, which I realise is an abdication of my full self-responsibility and self-sufficiency, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern about "important and famous" people with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath in awareness that no being on this planet is physically more important than another.

I commit myself to through self-investigative writing and self-forgiveness stop and remove all my perceptions/definitions/beliefs of importance and about "important and famous" people, because I realise and understand that wanting to be important and perceiving some beings as more important than others, I am participating in and allowing a polarity construct of the mind in order to generate energy for it to exist as ego, in which I want to abdicate my self-responsibility due to my perception that "important and famous" people have easier lives than myself, which I realise and understand is a fuckup, because they physically breathe and move the same as me, and everything else, such as "easier and more comfortable life" than my own is just a perception of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be "important and famous", so that men would easier be infatuated with me, fall in love with me, and that I could experience myself as more desirable and have easy access to sex and admiration from all men. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive "important and famous" people as more desirable and sexually attractive than "regular people", instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's construct of believing and perceiving that those people have easier lives, and if I were to be sexually and emotionally involved with such people, I would have an easier life as well, which is all but an abdication of my self-responsibility.

When and as I see myself being sexually attracted to a "famous and/or important" person, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's construct, where I perceive and define those people as more attractive because I perceive that they have easier lives, and am being attracted by their lavish lifestyles, which I allow myself to desire, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath in awareness that the perceptions of my mind about those people and their lives do not reflect physical reality, only the perceptional reality of the human, which is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sexually attracted by famous men and want/need/desire to have their lavish lifestyles, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within my mind's construct of "class", which I have built up from data input from my family, the media and my surroundings, and am wanting to actualize my fantasies of having a classy lifestyle.

When and as I see myself defining and perceiving something or someone as "more classy" and "less classy", I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within my mind's polarity construct, where I feel inferior to people whom I perceive to be classier than me, and superior to people whom I perceive less classy than me, therefore I release the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself feel superior by defining/perceiving myself as more classy than others, and by telling other people/my partner  that they have no class, instead of realising and understanding that whenever I do this, I do it from a feeling of inferiority, which I then try to balance out with superiority, therefore when I notice myself wanting to feel superior to another by using class and classiness, I stop and I breathe. I investigate the feeling of inferiority with which I caused this reaction within myself, release it with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath within awareness that classiness and class are fuckups of the human mind that enforce inequality.

Day 165: More self-forgiveness on Mother

My mother recently asked me for help. I said I'd do it under the condition that she starts her process. She promised she would, but after a while it became apparent that she's doing it only to satisfy my demand. She wrote a few blogs in the beginning, and I was absolutely thrilled, because I saw self-honesty in them. I told her that, and that was probably the fuckup - she relaxed and started writing half-assed blogs, and then after a while they completely ceased.

I was quite busy for a while, so I didn't pay much attention to what she was doing, but one day I got a breather and I checked it out. When I saw what happened, I completely freaked out. Multiple thoughts started arising in my head of her "bad deeds" in life, and then anger at her for wanting me to help her in life after she had done all those bad deeds. I freaked out, called her and told her that I can see her deception, and that for every day she continues with it, the due date her receiving my help will prolong, so that if she in the end receives my help too late, it will be entirely her own fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obliged to help my mother only because she is my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire my mother to beg for mercy for what she has done to me, instead of realising and understanding that i am participating within a mind polarity construct, where i have in the past felt defeated and betrayed by my mother and I felt inferior to her, and now want to feel superior to her by wanting her to beg and cry for mercy and forgiveness for what she had done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to punish my mother for what I perceive to be the bad deeds that she had done onto me in my life, instead of realising and understanding that I am participating within the revenge construct, where I want to compensate with feeling superior to my mother by punishing her for the feelings of inferiority that I allowed within myself, when I perceived her to be haring me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my mother harmed me in the past, instead of realising and understanding that by allowing myself to feel harmed by her, I am giving in to self-pity and abdicating my full self-responsibility for what I accept and allow to come up within my own mind.

When and as I see myself remembering past occurrences with my mother, where I perceive to have been harmed by her, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that holding on to bad memories of experiences with my mother only powers my mind as ego within the polarity construct of love and hate, superiority and inferiority, where I will pity myself and abdicate my self-responsibility to that feeling and allow that feeling to define me, therefore I release with self-forgiveness the trigger point of remembering past occurrences with my mother where I perceive to have been harmed by her and the thought pattern triggered by those memories, and I direct myself in breath towards what is best for all within awareness that holding onto such memories is an abdication of self-responsibility for who I am in every breath.

I commit myself to through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application stop and remove all my feeling and emotional definitions, thoughts, memories of and towards my mother, because I realise and understand that my mother is not responsible for who I allow myself to be in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be able to run to my mother for protection and advice and consolation, whenever I feel bad, instead of realising and understanding that within wanting my mother's protection I am abdicating my self-responsibility for directing myself in breath with common sense and abdicating my self-direction onto her, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel cheated by my mother, because I perceived that she didn't provide me with protection and guidance, instead of realising that I am giving into self-pity and allowing myself to define myself as a poor thing for not having had what i perceive to be a good mother.

Day 164: Understanding Hitler and ourselves

In the first part of this video there is a rap battle between Hitler and Vader. When asked, who won, the viewers mostly chose Vader, because, as one simply and plainly put it - they just didn't want it to be Hitler. They didn't say why.

This is what an automated mind response looks like. We have been conditioned to believe and perceive Hitler to be the single most evil and bad individual in the history of human kind. Which is funny, because Hitler himself never actually killed any of the people that were murdered under his reign. It was done by his followers.

We like to judge Hitler, because we do not understand the situation that was going on. When hating on Hitler, we do not actually stop for a moment to remember or learn that before the war he actually saved an absolutely ruined Germany and lifted it's people from a devastating crisis by fixing the economy and creating jobs for everyone to be able to feed their families. 
But something went terribly awry, and he went nuts, absolutely bonkers. He started having ludicrous ideas, for which we oh so like to judge him and hate on him. But was this poor mad person, who lost his grasp on reality, to blame? Or are his followers to blame, who without questioning chose to carry out the mad ideas of an obviously mentally compromised individual? Where in this equation is the real crazy?

Is the so-called elite of rich people to blame for the state of this world, or is it us, who choose to blindly and automatically, without questioning, carry on executing the necessary mechanisms for this abusive world system to continue existing as it does? After all, we're all in this together, aren't we?

Start questioning and explore the alternative.