Day 123: Tackling the weight loss/gain patterns

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive going out to eat with my partner/family/friends/alone as a special and pleasant activity. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel better, more than, superior and good, whenever I go out to eat with my partner, friends and/or family, as opposed to eating at home, which I have defined as normal and ordinary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive going out for a slice of cake or other sweetness with my partner/friends/family as a bonding activity, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel cheated out of being able to have sweets, because when I have sweets, my body gains weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that when I gain weight, I become ugly, and think/believe/perceive that my partner thinks that I am ugly, when I gain weight, and then be sad and angry with myself and resentful towards my partner, instead of realising that I am projecting my own fears and beliefs onto my partner, which I will then believe him to be holding, and will feel inferior and less than and negative, not realising and understanding that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I believe that when I loose weight, I look better, and when I gain weight, I look worse/ugly.

When and as I see myself being angry with myself for gaining weight, and wanting to compromise my body by not eating, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I judge/define/perceive myself as inferior and less than, whenever I gain weight, and will want to compromise my body by depriving it of food, and will feel superior, more than and good about myself, whenever I loose weight, and will on this side think/believe/perceive that now I can afford to eat "normally", and will eat the foods that I eat that make me gain weight, thus capturing myself into the same cycle of weight loss and gain. Therefore I release the trigger point and thought patterns with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for my body, and eat what I know makes me feel ok and not bloated and heavy and tired.

Day 122: "The diet is always tomorrow"

Throughout my life I have been caught up in overeating and dieting. I would indulge in eating whatever I wanted for a while, then I'd gain weight, and set up a goal for myself, which was always completely entirely unrealistic, like loosing ten kilos in 20 days, thinking that if I starve myself, I can reach this preposterous goal. The preposterous time frame was always connected with some or other event, for which I wanted to loose weight in order to look my best for it. This is connected to a particularly silly procrastinating pattern of behaviour that I developed, which encompasses my whole life: I am always late, and therefore always in a hurry.
Of course, reaching this goal never worked, and the sadness and almost hysterical anger at myself for eating always completely possessed me. Eventually I rendered myself into a very unhappy being. This has been going on since I can remember, as I can hardly remember the time in my early childhood when I wasn't dieting and thinking about food. In the past few months I have caught myself into another one of these vicious cycles, and noticed a symptom that has been following them ever since they emerged: the diet is always tomorrow, and until then I will indulge in some more binging. It is a symptom of classic addict behaviour, where I will take this reward, and punish myself for it afterwards. This stops here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overeat in order to make myself feel better about some or other emotional turmoil that I am experiencing, and after gaining weight because of it, promise to myself that I will starve myself and restrict my food intake to the max in order to fix the damage that I have done to myself and loose the weight that I have gained during the binge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive gained weight as damage that I have done to my body, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for having gained weight during a food binge, instead of realising that by hating myself, I am furthering the separation from myself and all that is here by generating negative energy for my mind to survive as ego in it's constant unhappiness and turmoil about being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as a very unhappy being due to being fat, instead of realising and understanding that this is a definition of the mind, with which I power myself to exist as ego and separate myself from myself and all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set completely unrealistic and preposterous goals for myself to loose lots of weight in a short period of time, and think/believe/perceive that I can/could manage to reach them, despite knowing fully well that I am setting up unrealistic goals for myself, and therefore setting myself up for failure and disappointment, within which I will make myself feel even worse about myself, instead of realising and understanding for real what I already know: that weight loss and a healthy body are directly linked to listening to my body and observing what makes it run effortlessly, and which foods should be avoided, because they make me feel heavy and not good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my body's signs and eat food that does not make it feel good, but makes me feel heavy and sleepy, but I would eat the food anyway, because I have defined it to be tasty and good, knowing fully well that I am using it in order to make myself/my mind feel better, and by eating it, I am not supporting my body in any way whatsoever, instead of breathing and not allowingmyself to listen to my mind and believe that I will feel better after these comfort foods, because I know that I never do afterwards.

When and as I see myself wanting to eat food that I know is not supportive to my body, and I want to eat it from a starting point of comforting myself because of an emotional turmoil, and for which I know that it will make me feel heavy, sleepy and render me ineffective, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am compromising myself by giving in to these mind patterns, in which I will eat food that I have defined as tasty in order to make myself feel better, and I do not support my physical body in any way whatsoever, therefore I release the trigger point of the desire to eat the unhealthy food and direct myself in breath towards what I know is best for my body.

I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness identify and remove all points, where I use food in order to make myself feel better and remove the pattern of comforting myself with food after and during emotional turmoil, because I realise and understand that if I keep participating within these patterns, I will only harm my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself time frames in which I should loose a certain, usually unrealistic, amount of weight, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set my goals up always for tomorrow or the next Monday, where I would promise myself that tomorrow or the next Monday I will start dieting, in that giving myself a short period of time in which I can continue with the abuse of food and eat foods with which I comfort myself and make myself feel better, instead of realising and understanding that this plot and plan of the mind was a tactic, with which I abdicated my self-responsibility and my perceived responsibility towards my weight loss onto the "future me", who would compensate for my past sins, not realising and understanding that this future me does not exist, and that I have separated myself from myself and all that is here into a mind dimension of hoping and wishing and planning in the future, instead of remaining here in breath.

When and as I see myself wanting to give myself the excuse to eat whatever I want in the now by promising myself that tomorrow or next Monday I will start dieting, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind construct, where I am abdicating my self-responsibility by putting off responsible behaviour towards my body into the future, therefore I investigate and release the origin of the thoughts with self-forgiveness and direct myself towards what is best for my body here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for eating whatever I wanted in order to make me feel good and consequentially gaining weight, and therefore afterwards punish myself with severe dieting and starving myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts about how I deserve the pain of hunger that I am experiencing during the restriction of my food intake, because I have been bad when I was eating whatever I wanted in order to make myself feel good.

When and as I see myself wanting to punish myself for eating whatever I wanted in order to make me feel good during an emotional turmoil and gaining weight because of it by starving myself and/or forcing myself to do some extreme diet with severe caloric intake cuts, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I feel inferior to myself for allowing myself to eat whatever I wanted to make myself feel good and am defining/perceiving myself as a weakling for giving into the cravings for comfort food, and therefore I will compensate for that inferiority towards myself with superiority as anger and strictness towards myself in terms of what I eat and will severely restrict my food intake in order to prove to myself that I am able to adhere to a strict dieting/eating plan, within which I will completely disregard my physical body and it's needs, and will only play out these obsessive thoughts about it in my mind. Therefore I release the trigger point and investigate the obsessive thought pattern with writing and self-forgiveness, and direct myself IN BREATH towards what is best for my physical body WITHOUT listening and giving in to my mind's perceptions and energetic claims about my physical body.

I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness and self-corrective application stop and remove all obsessive compulsive patterns of the eating disorder that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up within myself over the years, because I realise and understand that by giving into these mind thought patterns and believing them and my knowledge and information about food and eating and myself and my image, I am compromising and disregarding my physical body, the only thing that is in fact real about me.

Day 121: Releasing various perceptions about food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to food in terms of using/eating food in order to make myself feel better, whenever I feel bad, instead of eating food only to support my body. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create bad feelings within myself in order to have an excuse to eat food that I make myself feel better with, instead of realising and understanding that I am compromising myself with this behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire that I could be like the thin people that can eat anything and everything and not get fat, instead of realising and understanding that I am desiring this from a point of addiction to food, where I am wishing that I could be able to indulge in food without any consequences to my body/appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worried about how other people/my partner perceive my appearance/body, and whether they notice my excess weight, instead of realising and understanding that this fear is coming from a desire for acceptance from others, indicating to me that I have not accepted myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept and love and care for myself unconditionally regardless of how I look, and how much I weigh. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I am searching for this in other people, instead of giving it to myself directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of eating in public, and of what other people will think/say about me, when they see me eating, because I perceive/think that they will judge me for eating food, when I am fat already. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people, who are fat, whenever I see them eating, and allow backchat such as "Why are they eating, if they are fat already" to run through my mind, within which I completely disregard the fact that every human being needs to eat, and am judging them and myself according to the knowledge and information that I have in my head about food and feeding, for which I know that it is limited and wrong.

When and as I see myself being afraid of food/feeding in public/in front of my partner, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within some or other judgement that I have accepted and allowed to exist within me, therefore I identify it, release it with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards what is best for my body and eating food without judging myself for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I/everyone should be eating at least three main meals a day, breakfast, lunch and dinner, instead of realising and understanding that I and all of humanity are following a belief system, supported by the working ethics and habits of humanity, about a certain time that meals should be eaten at, not realising and understanding that we are not eating directly to support our body, but have adjusted feeding times and supporting our physical bodies to the systems of managing our time in order to make money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that whenever I am hungry, I am loosing weight, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself due to this perception, whenever I am hungry, although my physical body feels bad and weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about myself, whenever I feel full, and think/believe/perceive that I will now be gaining weight, because I have allowed myself to eat until I feel full.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in foods, for which I have realised and understood that they do not support my body, and justify it with my anger towards people whom I perceive to be able to eat anything without any significant weight gain, instead of realising and understanding that within this I am abdicating my responsibility towards my body in order to support my food addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that what is good food for other people, must be good for me too, and that if I eat the same amount/type of food as another, I should get similar results, instead of realising and understanding throughout the years of experience that i have with food that this is clearly not the case.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad and left out, because I perceive that I cannot eat certain foods without consequences , therefore feel cheated out of the experience of being able to go eating with someone else and socialize while eating, instead of realising and understanding that here I am using food towards a completely different goal than supporting my physical body, which is socializing and bonding with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive food and eating as a social lubricant and a means of making friends and maintaining friendships, instead of realising and understanding that within this definition I have separated myself from food and everything else within this one energetic dimension.

Day 120: "Finish your meal, because there's children starving in Africa"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as inferior, less than, bad, negative and be angry with myself, frustrated, sad and disappointed, whenever I gain weight, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then remember the times, when I was less heavy, and think back and be angry at myself for allowing myself to gain weight again for eating things that I just felt like eating, instead of continuing to restrict my food intake in order to prevent myself from gaining weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create whole constructs in my head about what I can and cannot eat, how many calories and other nutritional value food has, and to check those nutritional values each time, when I look at the packages of foods, and wonder and think about the nutritional value and caloric value of food, whenever I eat them, and how much it will impact my weight gain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear gaining weight, whenever I eat food, instead of simply eating food to support my body and stopping, when I don't feel hungry anymore, without fearing that the food I just ate will cause me to gain weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad for not eating all of my food and to feel bad, whenever any food in the house spoils, because I used to listen to how African children would kill and swim across oceans just to have a plate of soup, when I was a child, instead of seeing through this manipulation tactic of my parents, who were trying to get me to eat all the food off my plate so that they wouldn't have to deal with leftovers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with my parents for manipulating me with stories about hungry African children so that I would eat everything that I have on my plate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a construct in my mind, in which I believed that I must eat everything off my plate and not leave any leftovers, within which I would feel good about myself, whenever I ate everything, and I felt bad about myself, whenever I wanted to leave something and not eat it, but would then force myself to eat it anyway so that I wouldn't feel bad about myself for having food, while African children do not have it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty, whenever I didn't eat everything that was on my plate, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force myself to eat everything that was on my plate in order to avoid feeling guilty for throwing away food.

When and as I see myself wanting to eat just in order to finish a meal and not throw away food, despite feeling full, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind construct of guilt, and amcompromising my physical body by forcing it to take in more than it needs, therefore I release the trigger point with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath without feelings of guilt towards throwing away food. I realise and understand that through observation I can determine how much my body needs in order to function, therefore I can in advance take/ask for smaller portions or save the food for later, and I do not need to eat everything at once. 

I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness release all thought patterns that I have about food, and to though observation determine what foods and how much of them my body needs to function optimally, because I realise and understand that by following old knowledge and information patterns that I have been following until now, I am only compromising my body and not supporting it.

Day 119: Feeling uncomfortable around others due to being fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable around other people, because I am fat, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of other people judging me and ridiculing me for being fat, instead of realising that I am judging and ridiculing myself for being fat, which I have learned at an early age, when I was being judged and ridiculed by my peers and parents and family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern of self-judgement and self-ridiculing and self-deprecation within myself, based on the judgement, ridiculing and deprecation that I used to endure as a child, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, angry and resentful, and create a self-pitying pattern, for being ridiculed for being fat when I was a child, instead of realising and understanding that within self-pity I am abdicating my self-responsibility for what I feel and what I allow within myself through thinking that I have no control over it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and resentful towards people, whom I perceive to be making fun of me and judging me for being fat, instead of realising and understanding that this can only have an effect on me, if I allow it to have an effect on me, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt and inferior and less than, whenever I perceive that other people are making fun of me and judging me for being fat.

When and as I see myself feeling uncomfortable with myself around other people for being fat and fearing their judgement, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a self-judgement construct, where I will fear that others might perceive me as inferior for being fat, because I myself am perceiving and judging myself as inferior for being fat, and will want, need and desire to be thin in order to not perceive and judge myself this way, instead of breathing and being here and not allowing myself to go into self-judgement about my appearance. Therefore I release the trigger point and pattern with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath without judging myself through the eyes of others.

I commit myself to through writing and self-forgiveness and self-corrective application stop and remove all points of feeling uncomfortable with myself around other people, and when I am alone, because I realise and understand that this discomfort is coming from a point of self-judgement, therefore I will identify and release the point immediately.

Day 118: Spitefulness towards the fashion industry for promoting thin girls

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at and spiteful towards the fashion industry for promoting thin girls and making thin girls popular in this world, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to the thin girls of the fashion industry and envy them their appearance and want/need/desire to be/look like them. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be a fashion model, and feel inferior, less than, negative and bad because I perceived that I am not able to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sad and angry, because I perceived that I was unable to compare and compete with the girls in the fashion industry, because I am not tall and not thin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have spiteful thoughts and angry words for the fashion industry, and blame it and hate it for apparently making me feel inferior, instead of realising that I am the one that is making myself feel inferior through comparison and competition with the images of girls from the fashion industry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate fashion designers and blame them for the way that I feel about myself, instead of realising that I am making myself feel this way by allowing myself to have thoughts, definitions, perceptions about my body in comparison and competition with the bodies of women in the fashion industry that get chosen by those designers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine and fantasize about how it would be to be in the spotlight and have all the attention that fashion models have, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that fashion models are happy women due to having perfect bodies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive the bodies of fashion models as perfect, and then feel inferior, less than, imperfect and negative about myself within comparing my own body to theirs. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my body to those of fashion models, instead of realising and understanding that I am playing into a mind construct, where I have defined my own body as imperfect, and will therefore create friction within myself and generate negative energy for my mind to survive as ego.

When and as I see myself having any kind of opinions, perceptions, definitions, thoughts about the fashion industry, fashion models and fashion designers, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am participating within a mind polarity construct, where I will feel inferior to the whole concept of fashion because I perceive myself as fat and therefore unfit and unworthy of participating with the fashion industry, and I will want/need/desire to be thin and fantasize about how superior I would feel and experience myself, if I was thin. I also realise and understand that wishing to feel superior due to feeling inferior is not equality but the ego wanting to validate and prove itself, therefore I release the points, thoughts and constructs with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath without having thoughts/perceptions about the fashion industry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be able to wear small clothes that models are able to wear, and perceive/define myself as unable to wear those clothes, instead of realising and understanding that most of those clothes support sexual manipulation within this world, and when I wish that I could wear those clothes, I am in fact an abuser.

When and as I see myself wishing that I could wear skimpy clothes in order to sexually manipulate men, and perceive myself as too ugly and fat to do so, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I am participating within an energetic pattern of the mind, within which I keep myself preoccupied with myself only, my own happiness/unhappiness in self-interest, and disregarding myself in equality and disregarding all that is here. Therefore I release the thought with self-forgiveness and direct myself without them.

I commit myself to stopping and removing all spitefulness that is existing in me towards the fashion industry, because I realise and understand that as long as I have any kind of energetic movement in me about the subject, I cannot take into consideration everything that is here objectively.

Day 117: Fat people are second grade people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my life as ruined, because I was fat, and I perceived that I couldn't express myself as I wanted to, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous and envious of girls who were thin, because I perceived that they could express themselves freely, while I didn't allow myself to wear girly clothes and act in a girly manner, because I thought/believed/perceived that I am not worthy of being girly due to being fat and that I do not deserve to be girly, because I cannot solve my problem of being fat. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to be able to act and dress in a girly manner, instead of realising and understanding that "girly" is separation with which I wished I could define myself and perceive myself as desirable to men, whom I would want to sexually manipulate with my girliness  into liking me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive fat people as unattractive people who are not allowed to be sexual because they are fat, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad, inferior, less than and negative, because I believed that all these things apply to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be thin and to be able to compare and compete with thin girls in terms of things that I have defined/perceived as girly, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always feel like an outcast and actually cast myself out of the company of thin girls, because I perceived that I cannot compare and compete with them, therefore I would withdraw into myself and be alone instead of socializing with thin girls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be thin in order to feel accepted in the company of thin girls, instead of realising that I am feeling this way, because I have never accepted myself due to being fat, and would therefore always feel like an outcast and I would feel inferior, less than, negative and bad, because I have in fact never accepted myself, but was looking for acceptance from an outside source/thin girls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive thin girls as popular and loved, and fat girls as unpopular and hated, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for being fat, instead of accepting myself unconditionally and not defining myself according to what my body looks like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as terribly troubled because I looked differently from thin girls around me and in magazines and on TV.

When and as I see myself comparing and competing with thin girls, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I have caught myself into a mind polarity construct, where I will feel bad about myself for being fat, and will want to achieve being thin, which I would readily sacrifice my physical body for, by compromising it with not eating, therefore I release the trigger point of comparison/competition with self-forgiveness and direct myself in breath towards removing my thought patterns about fat people and their participation within the world.

I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application stop and remove all thought patterns, perceptions, beliefs, definitions.. about fat people, because I realise and understand that with all of these things in my mind I am separating myself form myself and not accepting myself and therefore I am making myself eternally miserable.